The SmarK Rant For Girls Gone Wild

The SmarK Rant for Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break

“No no no, we can’t do that, that’s enough…”
– Coachman on about 18 different occasions.

– Just a reminder that recapping anything WWE-related can sometimes be a dangerous task and should not be attempted by anyone who isn’t either a trained professional like myself, or really drunk. Like myself on weekends. Sadly, today is a Thursday.

– This is pretty much a WWE show under the GGW name, so let’s try a recap.

– Live from South Padre Island, Texas, wherever the hell that is.

– Your hosts are (and I’m not making this up) The Coach & Stacy Keibler. Yes, because when you think of hot college chicks getting naked, think of JONATHAN COACHMAN.

– This was originally supposed to be in Panama City, but legal reasons forced them to switch to another locale, and SEVERELY tone down the usual content for the Girls Gone Wild stuff. That should have been a red light right there, but where there’s PPV revenue to be had, there’s the WWE. Now, having seen my share of the videos, I had a pretty good idea of what I was at the very least expecting to see going in. Tits, sure. Ass, definitely. The occasional softcore lesbian action, why not? At the very least, I figured, for $20 and with the WWE hyping the “who looks better naked” challenge with a former stripper and a current Playboy centerfold, there’d be SOMEONE from the WWE showing their shit as advertised. That’s not asking too much for a PPV clearly rated “MA”.

– The concept for the show is the “Miss GGW 2003” pageant, as they’re set up on a stage for the main part of the show, with throws to various locations elsewhere. Coach explains the rules as though anyone cares.

– Meanwhile, in Panama City, Josh Matthews encourages some girls to flash.

– Your judges: Torrie Wilson (carrying a drink and looking pretty liquored), Test (also carrying a drink and a video camera, which is a good combo), Kylie Max (a supermodel who I don’t know), Snoop Dogg (so drunk he could be an honorary Canadian – more on that to come) and Joe Francis (the guy who owns the company doing a Herb Abrams deal).

– First contestant: Robin, who can do it every night. Test asks if she spits or swallows. The answer is obvious.

– Next, Asimina, who loves mechanical bulls. Kylie wants to know how many orgasms she’s had in a night? 10.

– Kathryn (with nothing to flash) gets quizzed by Torrie on how to give a perfect blowjob (hearing her ask is a bit weird) and doesn’t really answer.

– Mayra, from Texas, gets asked by Snoop what her favorite position is. Coach cuts her off and we move along.

– Kerry the Virgin is next and is quizzed by Joe on when she lost her virginity (thus prompting HUGE heel heat from the audience) and Snoop calls her a bitch.

– Nikki (with glasses) would do both Superman and Batman at once.

– Donna Sun (who had a lesbian threesome before she lost her virginity) is asked by Test to demonstrate oral sex on the microphone. Coach cuts her off after about 2 seconds. “That bitch is a star!” declares Snoop.

– Bridgett is next, and she also does the microphone deal and also gets stopped by Coach after 2 seconds.

– Renee (“Yeah, bitch”, in the words of Snoop) is asked by Torrie about past lesbian experiences, but passes and gets booted off.

– Shahlah (who loves to climb long hard poles, apparently) shows her flexibility for Test. Joe wants to know her ultimate lesbian fantasy – she wants “two girls with the rabbits” and Coach freaks out.

– Foshah (looking like an even sluttier Heather Graham) gets spanked by Test on the way to the stage (which Stacy is remarkably cool with) and Snoop wants to know who she’d go down on to win. She picks Torrie.

– Last up, Staceie (with the first gratuitous flash of the night) is asked by Joe what she’d do with the $25,000 prize. She flashes again. Good answer! Joe is really lame and uncool, by the way.

End of round one.

– Okay, so far so good in terms of the more risquй attitude and general nudity.

– Meanwhile, back in Panama, Josh and more girls. They advocate drinking.

– Meanwhile, at the beach house, we get a lame video package of “funny” GGW moments.

Round Two.

– This is basically where the show runs out of ideas, for those keeping track.

– Robin (in lingerie) walks over the Testicle Cam. Asimina flashes. Kathryn (still no tits) does nothing of note. Mayra does nothing. Kerry is wearing even MORE clothes. Nikki is still wearing the glasses. Donna Sun loves Canadians, so she gives Test a lapdance, which we don’t see. Bridgett does nothing. Renee does the splits at the request of Stacy. Shahlah does nothing. Foshah is called over by Joe & Snoop and does some unfair influencing of them. Staceie takes off her top (showing more plastic than the Tupperware factory) and that’s it. The whole thing was like 5 minutes long and they were just rushed out there one after another.

– Wrestlemania XIX commercial. Gotta love cross-promotion.

– Another GGW clip and some chicks in a hot tub intro another “funny” moment.

– Coach stops to shill the new Playboy with Torrie. I stand in awe of the marketing machine that is the WWE.

– Body Challenge: Torrie v. Nidia. Nidia comes out, refuses to take off her top (despite being a former stripper) and thus draws heel heat. Why you would want to piss off your audience? Torrie comes out in a bikini and Stacy does a tequila shot off her chest (only lasted about 2 seconds), and she’s about to take off her top when Nidia clocks her with a chair in a lame bit and they get into a quick fight before being dragged apart by security. Yes, they booked a WRESTLING ANGLE on a softcore porn PPV. And a bad one at that. Torrie is “injured” and Snoop is so concerned that he yells “Get the ass shot!” as she’s lying in pain on the stage. You wouldn’t think that you could fuck up a challenge where girls take off their tops, but there ya go. So basically they get people to pay $20 to see something you can’t see on Smackdown, and then deliver the same stupid non-finish you see on Smackdown and just as much skin, if not less.

– Swimsuit competition. The girls are all rushed out again, this time in bikinis, and rushed off again. Asimina does a backflip and Snoop comments that he’d like to see her do it with a dick in her mouth. He is the ONLY thing saving this show. Stacy encourages Nikki to show her tits, but she refuses. Yeah, that’s what I want to see on this sort of show – the girls NOT flashing. Joe & Snoop keep encouraging them to do more and the producers keep rushing them off the stage instead.

– Video clip of a girl calling her mom before flashing.

And now the final portion (thankfully)…the Talent Contest.

– Test has a big wheel with various challenges on it for the girls.

– Robin is up first, and the wheel lands on “Build a Bikini”, so she gets whipped cream sprayed on her tits by Stacy. Test is so drunk that he can barely get the “lose your top” chant out. **

– Asimina gets the quaintly named “Balls in the Mouth”. This turns out to be stuffing marshmallows into her mouth. Yay. Coach, perennial wet blanket, keeps rushing her off the stage. DUD

– Kathryn gets “Juggle Water Balloons”, which is so lame that Test moves it to “Phalic (sic) Food Fun” instead. She deep-throats a pickle and a banana. Now that’s talent. Snoop chants “suck me” and his mic is cut off. ***

– Mayra draws “Be GGW” and goes topless. She adds the whipped cream, but it’s been done. **1/2

– Kerry the Virgin gets “Fake an Orgasm” after some deft wheel-fixing from Test while Joe suggests “Losing Your Virginity to Snoop” and Snoop chants “Suck this dick”. She does the worst fake orgasm I’ve ever heard and gets moved along. Thankfully. She’s cute, but entering a contest where nudity is the defining factor and then refusing to show anything is pretty counterproductive. Snoop turns on her when she refuses to lift her skirt. DUD

– Nikki and her glasses get “Spit or Swallow”. Stacy pours chocolate sauce down her throat while Snoop cheers her on. The crowning moment is Test holding a can of whipped cream to his crotch and spraying it all over her. That was worth at least $0.50 of the $20 price. ****1/2

– Donna Sun gets “Tounge (sic) Olympics” after a miraculous spin by Test, and she makes out with Shalah, who seems to be less than into it. Still, topless chicks making out, that’s gotta be worth something. ***1/4 Donna starts licking further down and Coach again cuts them off.

– Bridgett (“Look at the shit on that girl! DAMN!” declares Snoop) gets “Fake An Orgasm” and definitely does a better job than Kerry. She’s more the quiet type, though. Snoop sums things up: “She’s the type of motherfucker that watches the silent movie.” *1/2

– Renee gets “Be GGW” as Snoops wants to fuck her. Snoop is allowed to make the call on what going wild constitutes, but he leaves it up to her. He wants the panties pulled up her ass, but she won’t play ball. That draws boos. DUD

– Shahlah gets “Balls in the Mouth” and has to pass marshmallows from her mouth to Donna Sun. “Don’t you eat my balls!” warns Snoop. “Just nibble on them.” **1/2

– Foshah brings Snoop over to the stage and he does the honors of spinning to Tounge Olympics, and this time it’s a three-way kiss. Three-ways suck. On each other, I mean. **

– Finally, Staceie gets topless right away and gets Phalic Food Fun, with the twist this time being that she and Foshah have to eat a banana together. First, she takes what appears to be a giant Bavarian sausage in her mouth. “Now that girl right there can suck a dick!”, the always eloquent Snoop notes. ****

We get a 30-second “freestyle” where the idea is for them to go topless, but only a few of them do. And finally audience reaction declares Donna Sun to be the winner. With the show rapidly falling to pieces, they bring audience members on stage for a final flash, end of show.

The Bottom Line:

Well, the production was nice, that’s for sure. The WWE’s guys gave the show a slick, live presentation.

Now the bad.

First of all, it was scheduled as a two-hour show and it ended up running 80 minutes.

Second, the show was basically sold on the WWE divas and none of them showed so much as a boob, which is ludicrous on a show that’s clearly rated Mature and was heavily advertised in advance as such.

Third, the Girls Going Wild weren’t particularly attractive or wild. Whatever the selection process was for the “final 12”, it sucked.

Fourth, their choice to run a live, outdoor show basically crippled their ability to do ANYTHING the least bit crazy outside of endless flashing. Where’s the drunken lesbian sex? Hell, some of the contestants didn’t even go topless! The point of the GGW stuff is supposed to be random people showing their stuff, not the same 12 annoying people walking on stage 4 times.

Fifth, the main portions of the show were incredibly rushed and pointless, while two of the “competitions” (formal wear and evening wear) were redundant and needless.

I will say this – the concept as far as the WWE is concerned is worth looking into. This is the kind of thing they can use to pay off stuff like HLA and the Dawn-Torrie lesbian angle that they can’t do on free TV, and it’s catering to the exact demographic they want. Unfortunately, this was not the show that fulfilled those sorts of expectations for people who ordered based on the hype from the WWE. There are absolutely people who would buy a $10 PPV based on the promise of seeing the Divas naked or more. I wouldn’t throw out the baby with the bathwater in this case – it’s a good idea that needs someone other than GGW as the sleaze-merchants behind it.

Would I plunk down $20 to see it again? No, absolutely not. Unless more was shown or done, it’s not worth it in the least. Maybe $10 would have been acceptable, but even for that amount you can get actual porn on PPV.

As a curiosity it had its moments, as a show it sucked dick. Your call if it’s worth $20 to hear Torrie asking another woman what her ideal blowjob would be.

Thumbs WAY down.