The SmarK RAW Rant – January 5 2004

The SmarK RAW Rant – January 5, 2004

– Live from Memphis, TN.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– I just want to point out that I got the Flair DVD in the mail today, so if this show sucks I’m gonna be upset, since I could have been watching THAT.

– We begin with Mark Henry cashing in his favor in exchange for Teddy Long being GM for one night, so Bischoff gets the night off. Oh, and Steve Austin is the “Sheriff” of RAW, which makes absolutely no sense and completely contradicts the whole point of the match that “retired” him in the first place, but you have to expect that every time RAW changes “forever”.

– Opening interview: Teddy Long comes out for his first speech as GM as the camera catches people leaving to go to the bathroom. Can you feel THAT, playa? Long does his usual racist rant, but Jerry Lawler stands up for the cracka population of Memphis. Randy Orton runs in and lays him out with an RKO as this must mark the most bizarrely unconnected series of run-ins in some quite some.

– Meanwhile, Randy Orton sucks up to Long, but Mark Henry wants the I-C title. Long makes that match, but Deus Ex Austin immediately overrides him and puts RVD in there too, in the form of Henry v. RVD, winner meeting Orton next week. Well, that all sounds completely terrible.

– Coach joins us to take over color, with an LSU chair (which is one of those college football references that I can’t be bothered to care about). I’ll just play along and assume it makes him a bad person to have that chair in Memphis or beside JR or whatever.

– Spike Dudley v. Rene Dupree. Dupree shrugs off Spike’s attack and clotheslines him down, then lays in the chops. Faceplant and he does the OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH STRUT~! Delayed vertical suplex gets two. Rene chokes away, but Spike headbutts him low and tries the Dudley Dog, which is easily reversed by Dupree. Whip to the corner gets two. JR chides Coach for not calling the pinfall. COUGH HYPOCRITE COUGH Dupree goes to a neckvice as I discuss Sealab 2021 in a chat to assuage my boredom. Dupree blocks a sunset flip, but uses the ropes and gets caught. Spike gets a fluke rollup for the pin at 3:50. Don’t care. Ѕ* Those ghastly ghasts, Flair & Batista, attack the Dudley Boyz whilst they celebrate Spike’s fluke over a jobber, casting doubt over the upcoming tag title match tonight. That’s SHAKESPEARE, kids.

– Meanwhile, Christian apologizes to Jericho, and they reminisce about ass cream.

– Video recap of last week’s awesome HHH-HBK match. As I noted on the blog, I more than likely overrated it (at ****3/4) and I’d likely put it closer to ****1/4 with a sober second viewing (well, second viewing, it’s not like I was drinking the first time), but huzzah for positivity.

– King returns to reclaim his spot, but Long forces him to be the third man instead.

– Hurricane & Rosey v. Chris Jericho & Christian. Rosey clotheslines Christian to start and the superheroes double-team him, as Rosey hiptosses Hurricane onto him for two. Jericho comes in but walks into a lariat, but comes back with a leg lariat of his own. Hurricane gets a Buff Blockbuster, but misses the Shining Wizard. He slugs away, but gets pulled out by Christian. Back in, Jericho with a backdrop suplex and Christian helps to work Hurricane over in the corner before going to a facelock. False tag allows more heel shenanigans, but Hurricane comes back with a double DDT and makes the supposed hot tag to Rosey. Slams abound. Samoan drop gets two on Christian. Rosey clotheslines them both and tosses Jericho, and Hurricane follows with a plancha. Rosey gets the Bossman slam for two. Rosey misses a charge and hits the post, and Christian finishes with the inverted DDT (Note to JR: NOT CALLED THE UNPRETTIER) at 4:59. Highlight here was Coach dogging Lawler and JR at the same time. Ѕ* I think we can pretty much declare the whole Jericho thing dead and buried at this point.

– Test v. Steven Richards. The epic Heat feud carries over to RAW! Test attacks to start and posts Richards, and hits on Victoria. Can you blame him? He grabs an armbar and I guess Richards is the face tonight? Test charges and hits elbow, but slams Stevie into the post, but gets rolled up for two. Carpet muncher and Steviekick, but Test blocks and pumphandles him. Victoria distracts him to break it up, and Richards gets another rollup for two. Uncle Slam ends that rally and he goes for Victoria again, and then tries another pumphandle, but Stevie escapes. Big boot misses and Stevie gets a third rollup for the pin at 2:47. Well that finish is pretty much beaten into the ground. This was a total car wreck. But Victoria is still yummy. Ѕ*

– Sheriff Austin, in a role that makes no sense and violates the stipulation that the PPV was sold on and is about to announce a rematch for Royal Rumble, but HHH interrupts…and makes Dukes of Hazzard jokes? And Andy Griffith jokes? This is like Kevin Nash making Grand Wizard references on Nitro or Bobby Heenan drunkenly referencing comedians from the 40s during PPVs. However, Austin draws the line at HHH making fun of his badge, and lays down the law. If that’s the same badge that Angle gave him in 2001, that’d be pretty cool. He’s the Sheriff, you know. I feel like I’m stuck in a Suzanne Somers sitcom. They banter back and forth for a bit, but now Shawn Michaels interrupts. Hey, remember when Shawn was the new Sheriff in town? Anyway, Austin makes the rematch a Last Man Standing match at the Rumble, and JR is already going on about physicality and intensity. Geez, at least give it a week, man. HHH lays out Shawn, because he’s a bad person.

– Molly Holly v. Trish Stratus. This was supposed to be a title match against Victoria, but she’s injured, so Long put Trish in there, and now it’s suddenly non-title. Okay then. Molly attacks and lays her out with a hairtoss to start, and gets two. Snap suplex gets two. Molly hits the chinlock, but Trish rolls her up for two. Another one gets two. Spinebuster gets two. Molly comes back and goes up, but gets hit with the handstand rana and a sunset flip for two. Trish gets dumped, but gets a high kick from the apron and goes up, and that draws out Jazz for the DQ at 2:49. ѕ* If it was gonna be a DQ finish, why bother making a big deal about the non-title aspect? I’ve never understood that. Jazz attacks Trish for round #9459843983 of their feud. Jericho makes the save. Seen it, seen it, seen it. Jericho and Trish are color coordinated this week. You can’t fight fate! Okay, we’ve been down this road before, it’s time to go somewhere or dump it.

– The show is almost saved by a paid announcement from the Friends and Supporters of Randy Orton, running down Mick Foley as a coward.

– Rob Van Dam v. Mark Henry. Mark overpowers RVD to start and no-sells a shoulderblock, but Rob slugs away and dropkicks the knee. Seated dropkick, but Henry catches him with a slam. Rob pops up with a missile dropkick and Henry bails, allowing Rob to follow with a quebrada that they completely blow. Henry hits the post and Long sneaks him a chair, which he uses for the DQ at 2:09. But no, Long overrides the ref and makes it a no-DQ match. Oh god, that shit is so played out. However, Sheriff Austin drives out on an ATV, apparently not heeding the lessons of Ozzy, and chases Long around the ring. Oh wow, it’s a new era and a new beginning and RAW is forever changed or something.

– Rob Van Dam v. Mark Henry, Take Two. We rejoin the match from the commercial with Rob getting bearhugged and beaten down by Henry, and he does the running rope thing (called “a devastating maneuver” by the professional JR), and pounds on RVD in the corner. Blind charge misses and Rob applies a triangle choke (I guess) and gets a somersault legdrop to set up Rolling Thunder for two. Now Rob grabs a chair and dropkicks it in Henry’s face, but Henry no-sells it and clotheslines him. Van Daminator and frog splash finish at 3:12. Why they split up a 5:00 match over two segments is beyond me. *1/2 for the whole thing. Austin now chases Long back to ringside as JR & King talk about Long’s “abuse of power”. Putting Trish in a match is abusing your power? Austin stuns him. Wow, he beat up a helpless manager, my hero. Austin, role model to children everywhere, gets plastered and then drives away on the ATV. I’m so sick of this guy. I mean, here’s a guy who gets very publicly arrested for beating his wife and is revealed as an alcoholic, and he has a very real chance to influence people for the better by DISCOURAGING that sort of thing, and as soon as he’s back he’s out there engaged in a DWI situation two weeks in a row on national TV.

– Meanwhile, Jericho barges into Trish’s dressing room to talk to Trish, but she’s in the shower. He reveals his feelings, but we can’t see Trish, so it’s obviously not her in the shower. And in fact, it’s Mae Young. Hilarity ensues. You know, if it had been Lita in the shower and she heard Jericho confess and Trish didn’t believe her, or something like that, it could have been interesting and worthwhile. Instead, it’s yet another unfunny Mae Young punchline.

– Kane comes out to complain about Undertaker eliminating him from the Rumble last year and JR talks about the Survivor Series match that no one will forget, even though everyone already has. Booker interrupts the boring promo and chases Kane off, and both of are entered in the Rumble. He seems to have trouble remembering how many goals he has, however.

– RAW tag titles: Ric Flair & Batista v. The Dudley Boyz. I love the pre-match pep-talk from Bubba, where he’s all “Let’s make it 18 times!” as though winning the titles those first 17 times were just a warmup for this, the REAL test, the 18th tag title. D-Von goes after Batista to start, but he gets stomped down. Batista pounds away in the heel corner and gets an elbow for two. D-Von slugs back and Bubba comes in for the double-team and gets a high cross for two. Flair comes in and has a strutting contest with Bubba, then starts chopping. Bubba returns the chops and backdrops him, setting up a corner splash and sideslam for two. Batista breaks up the count and it’s BONZO GONZO, but he wipes out both Dudleyz and Flair clips Bubba and goes to work on the leg. Figure-four is reversed to a cradle for two, however. Back to the leg as Coach finally points out Bubba’s tanning problems, and Flair gets the figure-four. Batista comes in with a leglock, but it’s a false tag to D-Von, and Evolution keeps on Bubba’s leg. Flair goes up, but you know. Hot tag D-Von, and he cleans house and powerslams Flair for two. Neckbreaker for Batista and clothesline for Flair, and he dumps Batista. Flying elbow misses, however. Bubba gets the Flip Flop and Fly into a rollup for D-Von that gets two, and the Dudleyz get the double-team neckbreaker on Batista to get rid of him. Wazzup Drop for Flair sets up 3D, but now HHH comes in to run interference and Batista powerbombs D-Von to give Flair the pin at 9:40. An okay match that wasn’t exactly main event level stuff. **1/4 Shawn returns the favor to HHH, laying him out with a superkick.

The Bottom Line:

Total nothing show, with a bunch of bad wrestling and no real advancement on the storylines leading up to the PPV. Plus there was zero followup on the angle from last week with the enforcement of the rules. Having Teddy Long be Steve Austin’s foil for a week was mildly interesting for a bit, but it’s back to the same old Bischoff v. Austin stuff that’s been going on forever next week.

The more this show changes forever, the more it stays the same.