The Smark RAW Rant – June 11 / 2001

The SmarK RAW Rant for June 11, 2001

– Greetings, and welcome to the post-CRZ era of RAW here on Wrestleline. For those who don’t read my other stuff, I do PPV recaps and the occasional column here on the big site, and I’ve been doing TV recaps over on my own little slice of webworld, TheSmarks.com, for a couple of years now. So when Downtown Dave needed a new RAW guy, I figured I might as well trade up and take RAW over in addition to my regular PPV duties. Generally speaking, I’m going to have a new Retro Rant or column up on Monday, and RAW on Tuesday, so you can hopefully expect some sort of set schedule from me from now on. Before we begin, I should remind you that for better or worse, I am NOT CRZ and I have a completely different writing style than he does, so please don’t e-mail me and ask why I don’t transcribe interviews or mention the little bumper segments with people walking or give match times. And boy, could I give you a doozy of a reason not to transcribe interviews these days. On the other hand, I will give my opinion whenever and wherever I feel it’s warranted, I will rate matches, and I will make fun of Undertaker and his family tree on a regular basis. And that whole “glass ceiling” thing? That was mine. Those who visit TheSmarks know this already, for the rest of you, welcome to heck. I figure I should cut down on the swearing since I’m officially a corporate sellout and all now.

– Live from Richmond, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

– Your hosts are JR & Paul E.

– Opening interview: William Regal is out and he’s quite disturbed by the lack of sportsmanship shown on Smackdown. I’m more disturbed by the lack of wrestling in the last three matches myself. So he decides to punish Jericho with a handicap match against Rhyno & Big Slow, while Benoit gets to face Kurt Angle in a cage match. Mick Foley interrupts and mercifully doesn’t plug the book (beyond the minimum), but admits to a great deal of tomfoolery during his reign in the commissionary position. I lost an uncle to tomfoolery once – tragic stuff. I hear they’re increasing the mandatory sentence next year and making convicted tomfoolerists register when they move. Anyway, Foley decides to suck all the heat, fun and interest out of a perfectly good verbal sparring match by bringing Linda McMahon out to wreck everyone’s night. She makes the main event of King of the Ring two singles matches: Jericho v. Austin, Benoit v. Austin. Regal protests, so she instead makes it a triple-threat match, Austin v. Benoit v. Jericho. We spend a few minutes mulling this shocking and entirely-unexpected announcement over before the interview grinds to a peaceful death, much like Timothy McVeigh. Speaking of which, I’m aware of the whole “cruel and unusual punishment” thing, but I’m sure there was a building being demolished somewhere in the area where they could have “accidentally” left McVeigh tied up in the basement. Just saying. I mean, those needles are expensive, and this way they can save the taxpayers a few bucks.

– King of the Ring Qualifier: Kane v. Christian. Total squash for Kane as he tosses Christian around like a midcarder, but Edge saves when Kane hits the top rope clothesline. Unprettier is shrugged off and a chokeslam seems imminent, but Albert makes the run-in and hits the Albertbomb, giving Christian the meaningless win to advance into a tournament without brackets. I tells ya, I don’t think I can sleep for the next two weeks knowing I have to wait that long to see Albert v. Kane. Doesn’t the WWF hear the pops Albert gets? Man, they should really push that guy harder, he’s so underappreciated by the announcers. I hear he’s a stud with a bright future and a potential WWF champion who can walk on water if given the right opportunity in this industry. DUD

– Meanwhile, Austin reminds us what his name is, and lets Linda know what he thinks of her. Foley plays Dr. Exposition by laying down the main event for King of the Ring.

– Speaking of Mick, here he is on the Tonight Show, shilling you-know-what. God, I hate guys who just won’t take a hint and shut up about their books, don’t you?

– The Hardy Boyz v. X-Factor. Just saw it last week, don’t forsee it being any better. Eddy’s name is actually mentioned, although in the context of a bogus injury angle from two weeks ago. X-Pac & Matt start and exchange wristlocks, but X-Pac dumps Matt. Back in, it gets a two count. Justin gets his corner powerbomb for two, but X-Pac misses the Broncobuster. Hot tag Jeff, and they hit Poetries in Motion on both, but the swanton is stopped by Justin. Lita interjects herself, ranas X-Pac, and another shot at the swanton finishes for the Hardyz. Standard issue stuff. X-Factor gets their “heat” back (HAH!) by punking them out afterwards. I actually don’t think splitting this into singles programs would be the worst idea in the world, but I don’t think anyone in the WWF is even booking more than a week ahead at this point anyway. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Austin has some bad intentions for Regal for approving that KOTR main event, but it’s poor Tajiri who gets the crap kicked out of him instead. Nice to see them making such good use of Tajiri.

– Meanwhile, Blackman & Trish light up the screen with their sexual chemistry. When a love angle makes you WANT to see more Spike-Holly for the acting, you’ve got a problem.

– Meanwhile, the Canadian Violence Connection plot Austin’s demise. Probably won’t work – us Canadians have never been good at scheming. Outside of Bret Hart, of course.

– Meanwhile, Austin pleads his case to Vince. Vince gets upset, so Austin digs deep into the heel bag of tricks and gives him a big heelish…hug. I wonder if even Vince is getting a wee bit weirded out by Austin’s act. This heel act would be so awesome if Austin had a strong babyface to play off, though. I mean, nothing against the Chrisses, but they haven’t had a chance to reach that level yet and Austin needs a Bret Hart or Rock to play this character off of.

– Classic KOTR Moment: Jericho gets screwed over against Kurt Angle last year, and kisses Stephanie. I think they’re reaching for classic moments.

– Chris Jericho v. Rhyno & Big Slow. Yay, another handicap match where the only two options are the plucky babyface getting his ass kicked and losing as a lesson, or the plucky babyface getting his ass kicked and getting a fluke win when the heels screw up or turn on each other. I mean really, has there been any other significant fluctuation in the results of these sorts of matches? Jericho tries to finish Rhyno quickly before Slow can even make it to the ring, and ol’ Paul lives down to his name by allowing Jericho the time to run through most of his arsenal, finishing with the Lionsault before Slow makes the save and punks him out. Rhyno gets a clothesline and shoulderblock in the corner, and Slow pounds away. Slowly. Rhyno comes in and gets enzuigiri’d, and Jericho comes back with a flying forearm. Slow turns the tide. You know, for a guy who gets bitched out by the WWF as much as he does, this guy sure gets a lot of offense in. Jericho manages to steer Slow into Rhyno and goes low on him, leading to a missile dropkick and Walls of Jericho on Big Slow. Rhyno breaks, so Jericho applies the move to him, but Slow chokeslams him to break that. Rhyno suddenly hits the Goar on Slow, then turns around and pins Jericho anyway. Oh boy, job Jericho to a midcard guy, that’ll give him cred for the main event. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Shane & Kane do some bonding. Shane points the marital havoc finger at Kurt Angle, and like an idiot Kane believes him. It’s just like Three’s Company without the social significance and Mr. Furley.

– Rhyno points out that if Jericho wins the title at the PPV, he’s in line for the first shot. Oh, well, that makes it perfectly okay then.

– Meanwhile, they make Jericho look like even more of a jerk by having Austin jump him in the dressing room and wipe the floor with him.

– Kurt Angle comes out to insult Virginia and hype the cage match tonight. The interview goes on and ON AND ON, going nowhere. Less chat, more splat. Angle finally calls out Shane McMahon, seemingly grasping onto something resembling a point, but the Undertaker answers and delivers the requisite beating, just in case Angle might be the Black Stalkion. And of course, the latest video plays on the Titantron, this time ripping off “I Know What You Did Last Summer”, complete with scary message written in the mirror in lipstick. If it turns out to be the Gorton’s fisherman, I’m giving up on wrestling. Next week: The Stalker interrupts Sara making popcorn and asks her if she likes scary movies. Meanwhile, Shane sneaks into the ring and gives Angle an Olympic Slam, which I guess is YOUR WCW Run-In of the Week.

– Hey, it’s the Rock on the MTV Movie Awards, complete with phony B-level celebrities saying how great the Rock is. I know my life would be complete with endorsements from Julia Stiles and the jock from American Pie. Now THERE’S a sequel begging for a walk-on from the Great One. Maybe he can kick Jason Biggs’ ass while he’s at it and make sure he never does another teen sex comedy.

– King of the Ring Qualifier: Perry Saturn v. Steve Blackman. Remember kids: Multiple head trauma makes for COMEDY. If Home Alone taught me anything, it’s that. Saturn cradle gets two, but Blackman pounds away. Saturn neckbreaker gets two, northern lights suplex gets two. Blackman gets a spinebuster and the chicks run around the ring bouncing their saline. Saturn crucifix gets two, but Blackman gets a belly-to-belly. Saturn finishes with a fisherman’s suplex. I know others think it’s really charming that Saturn is channelling Ralph Wiggum, but even Wiggum has become a parody of himself in recent eps. The Russo Law says that what smarks find amusing doesn’t necessarily draw money and/or make guys over. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Debra tries the healing power of carrots to calm Austin down. His name is still the same, in case you were concerned.

– Meanwhile, Terri petitions Regal for a night off for Saturn, and he comes in with a WACKY non-sequitur, much like Kramer without the hair.

– The Dudleyz v. The Hollyz. Speaking of angles that are becoming parodies of themselves, this feud needs to go somewhere in a hurry. Molly & Spike are part of the match, to provide the illusion of a new twist on the same formula. Molly and Spike start, and nothing happens. Bob tags himself in and beats on Spike, and Crash comes in and gets crotched. Hot tag D-Von, Wazzup for Bob, tables are gotten. Molly escapes the clutches of the Dudz, but Crash doesn’t escape the 3D and he’s done. Zowie. Ѕ* Buh Buh & Bob put themselves through a table in a dumb-looking spot, leaving Spike & Molly to finally pay off the angle with a kiss in the ring. “Just like Brad Pitt & whatshername”, quoth JR.

– Special update, with some words from HHH: “OUCH, MY KNEE HURTS!” god forbid we go more than a week without seeing the progress that his leg is making. Next week: James Andrews drains pus from the scar! BE THERE!

– Hey, let’s show all the Austin vignettes in order to kill time and make people think something interesting might happen with Austin.

– Cage match: Kurt Angle v. Chris Benoit. Austin is, of course, YOUR colour commentator. Angle rides Benoit down and gets a quick belly to belly, and another. Benoit tries the crossface a couple of times, but gets nailed. Angle sends him to the cage, and we get some Canadian Violence in return. Blind charge by Benoit hits cage, and Angle stomps away. Benoit comes back with chops and a double vertical suplex, blocked by Angle with a gutwrench suplex. Another follows, and Angle climbs the cage. They fight on the cage, and Benoit german suplexes Angle off the top rope up there, drawing a big piop. Benoit climbs, but gets shoved off and elbowdropped. Benoit sends him to the cage after recovering, but takes a ballshot. Angle Slam, but much to Austin’s chagrin Angle chooses to head to the top instead. I would be remiss in not mentioning Paul’s constant toadying to Austin during this match. Angle sets up for a top-of-the-cage moonsault, which misses. That’s a tad insane. Benoit comes back with the running knee, but eats cage. Mmmm, cage. Benoit counters another try with the rolling germans, and the crowd even counts along as he hits six of them. They like that. Benoit goes for the door, Angle charges, and Benoit dodges so he can hit another three suplexes and climb out. Austin leaves his announce position, however, and starts swinging a chair like a madman, so Benoit thinks better of leaving and chooses to debut the Flying Headbutt From the Top of the Cage in the WWF. Oh yeah, that’s the good stuff. Both men down, so Austin punks out Teddy Long and goes for the door, which Benoit promptly shoves into his face. Angle sneaks up and grabs the Anglelock, which Benoit counters with an enzuigiri. He goes to the door, and as any wrestling fan who’s been watching for more than two or so years can tell you, Austin then slams the door in his face and Angle climbs out for the win. Oh god, that was SUCH a great TV match before the hokey 80s ending. And Benoit jobs again, what a shock. Thankfully, they gave the match plenty of time and it delivered bigtime to save the show. ***3/4

– Austin destroys Benoit with a chair, no one saves.

The Bottom Line: As much as I’ve loved the last few weeks of WWF TV, that show wasn’t afraid to swallow the meat missile with some gusto. Flat angles, nothing matches, dull interviews…just an overall sense of senselessness heading into the King of the Ring. And at some point, they just have to bite the bullet and put Benoit & Jericho over a top guy to make their run mean anything. Undertaker & Kane, I’m looking at YOU. But hey, I can take solace in knowing that no matter how badly the WWF might screw up the Chrisses at this point, they’ll likely be there for a while because there’s no one else anyway.

Bienvenuti…