The SmarK RAW Rant – May 19 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – May 19, 2003

– Quick note on the JD rant – I threw a softball out there to the readership (although not intentionally) when I noted that Edge and Eddie Guerrero had a ladder match on Smackdown in 2002. Of course, it was technically a no-DQ match where a ladder was used for much of the match, but I considered it the same thing for the purposes of the point (which was that Cole was talking about Eddie’s experience with ladders, which applies either way) and didn’t feel like going into a big explanation of it while trying to recap a match. Anyway, normally when I throw out something like that, I’m immediately bombarded with people correcting the point, but the unusually low volume of responses would seem to suggest that amongst the internet at least, Judgment Day was not exactly a big priority for those watching TV on Sunday. Not that it’s exactly shocking news or anything, but all the bad signs are really starting to pile up.

– Speaking of piling up, now that all of my friends and family have finished picking my author copies clean, I’ve got four copies left of “Tonight…In This Very Ring” that I was going to sell on Ebay to make a few bucks, but figured I’d offer them to whoever wanted to buy them from me first, if anyone is interested. Basically, if you’ve got a Paypal account, I’ll sell you a copy, autographed with your choice of personal message and shipping included, for $30 US. First come first served.

– For those who care, currently residing in the PS2 is 3D0’s rather cool High Heat Baseball 2004, which is a big improvement over last year’s disappointing and bug-filled outing on the PC and has a nice arcadey interface combined with enough stats and controls to satisfy anal baseball geeks and casual players alike. I personally just enjoy being able to build a better Jays team than JP Riccardi and pound the shit out of the Yankees on a regular basis, but I’m petty that way.

– Live from Greenville, SC.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: Co-GM Steve Austin puts over last night’s show and complains about Bischoff’s company. We get a tasteful replay of the Puke Heard Round the World, complete with several camera angles. Bischoff is hung over, so he’s not here tonight. Next month: Stone Cold Steve Austin Presents Bad Blood. He personally promises satisfaction guaranteed. That’s a dangerous promise to make the way things are going these days. Next item of business: Goldberg’s door-slamming assailant. He’s going to investigate tonight. Whoever did it, fights Goldberg tonight. Hope it wasn’t Rikishi again. Next item of business: Austin calls out HHH, who is morally injured but still makes sure to do his entire entrance, until Austin cuts him off. FINALLY! No water-spitting tonight, says Austin. Thank god the one person on the show who is allowed to stand up to HHH on screen is the most entertaining guy they’ve got. Austin is of the opinion that HHH shouldn’t be the champion (join the club), and thus he gets to wrestle again tonight. HHH thinks Austin’s drunk with power (*cough* pot kettle black *cough*), but he too has some stroke (*cough* Vince’s dick *cough*) and he refuses to wrestle tonight. Fine by me. Austin has compassion, so he’ll let HHH pick his own opponent as long as it’s a former World champion. So he can pick from Kane, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho or Kevin Nash. What about Flair? The poor guy gets no love even when he’s standing right there in the ring. And actually as long as we’re picking nits there’s also Booker T, Goldberg and Vince McMahon. Ah, but HHH was reading my mind, because Flair is the lucky winner. And it’s for the belt.

– The Dudley Boyz v. 3 Minute Warning. Big brawl to start and D-Von gets dumped by Jamal, and Rosie gets a legdrop and a big fat splash back in the ring. Jamal gets a kneedrop that gets two. D-Von fights back but gets kicked in the corner for two. Jamal goes up and misses yet another splash variation, allowing the hot tag to Bubba. He pulls out a cross body for two. Midcard neckbreaker on Rosie gets two. The Flip Flop & Fly is blocked by Jamal and Rosie clotheslines him for two. The Dudleyz enact a little double-teaming and the Whazzup drop, and D-Von gets the tables. Jamal breaks that plan up, but they charge Bubba in the corner and miss. Jamal gets a samoan drop as the match drags on and on, and Rico brings a table into the ring. Jamal goes up with D-Von on the table, but misses and splashes wood instead. 3D finally finishes Rosie at 6:07. For what the purpose was, they could have hacked 3 minutes off this easily. Ѕ* Rico is so upset that he leaves the team. I hope against hope that this is their excuse to change the character and do something with him.

– Meanwhile, Eric is dying from his lite beer bender. Austin suggests the hair of the dog that bit him. See kids, fun and educational. Austin barfs again. You know, there’s really not much funny about forcing someone to drink until they puke, because lots of people die that way. Kevin Nash confronts Austin on the way out, and assures him that he’s still the #1 contender and will face the winner of the title match.

– Meanwhile, Flair is grateful to HHH for the chance. HHH thinks he’s missing the point of picking him, however, wink wink nudge nudge. They plan the Fingerpoke of Doom. The mere fact that they’d bring that up again blows my mind. Why can’t he blow out another quad when you need him to?
– Speaking of mind-blowing, check out the writing of Patrick Combs, specifically his long and engrossing story about his battle with a bank over a $95,000 fake cheque. You’ll be unable to stop turning the virtual pages, trust me. http://www.goodthink.com/writing/stories.cfm?popupid=11&page_id=12

– Chris Jericho and his Highlight Reel present…the Jeritron 5000, a plasma TV for his very own video packages. That’s so awesome. Jericho is upset at his best friend, Christian, and calls him out. It’s Jeff Jarrett! Okay, maybe not, but Christian with butchered hair sure looks like him. I like the new look, actually, gives him a nice edge, and makes him look like someone from a Tony Hawk tour. Some may argue he looks like Test after discovering his feminine side, but I’m willing to keep an open mind about the new People’s Champ. Anyone endorsed by the Rock is okay with me. Jericho is proud of his treachery and gives him a hug to affirm that. Christian’s side of the story: He’s got wicked cool new clothes, and the ref’s decision is final. Rob Van Dam interrupts all the hipness (bet he’s next on the long-hair hitlist) and Jericho rolls with the new. RVD thinks that the new catchphrase is weak. Rob wants a title match tonight, but no go, and Kane invades to set up a tag title match when we return from the break.

– RAW tag titles: RVD & Kane v. Vitamin C. We join it in progress, as Rob spinkicks Jericho and gets the standing moonsault for two. Jericho chokes him out in the corner, but charges and hits elbow, allowing Rob to get the moonsault for two. Christian comes in and gets spinkicked, and Kane chokes him out. Powerslam gets two. Kane tosses him and then sends Jericho out with him, and then Rob onto both of them. Back in, RVD gets Rolling Thunder on Jericho, but timely cheating turns the tide and allows a missile dropkick, and Christian uses his wicked cool shirt to choke him out. We hit the chinlock, and Christian gets the neckbreaker for two. Jericho adds some more choking and the Arrogant Cover gets nothing. Christian powerslams him for two. Jericho gets another chinlock and goes for the Walls, but Rob reverses for two. He fights off both challengers and makes the hot tag to Kane, and he unleashes the usual on Christian but misses an elbow. He comes back with a sideslam for two and the flying clothesline for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Jericho goes out, leaving Christian to get fed to the dogs. Jericho breaks up the party, however, allowing Christian to go low on Kane and DDT him for two. A conchairto situation is set up, drawing a DQ at 10:23. Booker T storms in and makes the save, however. You had to see that finish coming from a mile away and I’m not even sure why they bothered with the match. Match seemed thrown together and the guys had trouble getting organized most of the way through. **

– Meanwhile, Shawn gives Flair a peptalk and tries to convince him not to play dead for HHH. Flair totally sells the emotion because he’s still fucking awesome. Thanks to Flair, they’ve now set it up for a potential double-swerve, where everyone is convinced that he’s gonna swerve HHH and wrestle him for real, only to lay down in the clutch. Or this could just be HHH’s big chance to put himself over his idol once and for all.

– Rodney Mack and Teddy Long don’t see anything but white bigots in the audience. So they issue a challenge to any of the more established white boys in the back, and Spike Dudley answers.

– Rodney Mack v. Spike Dudley. Mack overpowers him and pounds away on the mat. Spike goes for the leg, but gets thugged and bugged, to quote Teddy. Mack grabs a headlock, but gets tossed and hit with a dive. Back in, Spike gets a sunset flip for two. They blow a bulldog spot and Spike gets a small package for two. Mack gets the “Blackout”, but Spike does the Bret rollover out of the corner, and then succumbs at 4:59, thus losing the White Boy Challenge. The crowd was REALLY getting into this by the end, thanks to Spike’s mastery of the underdog role. **

– Meanwhile, Austin annoys Bischoff with a megaphone and offers him some female entertainment to help the hangover. Of course, it’s Moolah and Mae Young, because THAT joke hasn’t been beaten into the ground enough yet.

– Meanwhile, Flair styles and profiles in preparation for the match.

– La Resistance v. Test & Scott Steiner. The rematch the world was waiting to never see again! Why’d they even bother putting this on the PPV? The French attack to start and double-team Test after dealing with Steiner outside. Dupree hammers away, but Test boots them and collides with Steiner again and gets pinned by Grenier at 2:04. This is all just a backdrop for fighting over Stacy, as they pull her between them like Popeye & Bluto fighting over Olive Oyl until she gets fed up and leaves without either one of them. Yeah, I’ve been there. DUD

– Meanwhile, Austin sets up an Interrogation Room, as results from the website poll reveal that 29% of the people think Rock ran Goldberg over. Another leading frontrunner is “Chris Jerich” “Eric Bischof” is also a suspect. It takes true talent to misspell the names of your own talent.

– Meanwhile, Lance Storm cracks under the third degree from Austin and claims that we drive on the other side of the road in Canada and thus he was thrown off. So yes, he’s our perp. But he was working with someone and won’t say who.

– Meanwhile, HHH’s plug of the Blassie book is interrupted by Flair, who is full of piss and vinegar and ready to kick HHH’s ass. WHOO!

– Goldberg v. Lance Storm. Okay, let’s see if they can get it right this time. Storm’s music actually sounds a lot like Goldberg’s. Bill gets the snap powerslam out of the gates, and a pumphandle throw to set up the spear and jackhammer at 1:06. Hey, they finally figured it out! DUD Goldberg does his own interrogation (not exactly according to police procedures) and Storm fingers Jericho as the mastermind.

– Meanwhile, Jericho admits to being behind the attack, and hypes his show for next week, with Goldberg as the guest.

– RAW World title: HHH v. Ric Flair. The crowd is nuts for Flair, as you’d expect. HHH offers him one last chance to take the dive, and Flair struts in response. Flair goes to the eyes and starts chopping, but HHH elbows him down. He can’t get a suplex due to bad ribs, and Flair tosses him as a result. Flair gets a vertical suplex for two, but walks into a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER. They start exchanging chops, which HHH loses, but Flair Flips and goes up with a double axehandle. He clips him and gets the figure-four as the crowd goes berserk, but HHH makes the ropes. More chops, but HHH slugs him down. Flair keeps chopping, but HHH counters with the sleeper. Ref is bumped and HHH grabs his belt, but Flair goes to the eyes and then to the groin, before nailing him with the title and reviving the ref. Now THAT’S cheating. It only gets two, however, and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE is about to follow, but he backdrops out. Flair tries his own, but HHH gets the real deal for the pin at 7:24. **1/2 The crowd completely deflates as they once again bury Flair in his home area, and Nash does a saunter-in as it becomes about Nash & HHH and Flair is relegated to the trash heap. Meanwhile, Smackdown is built around kissing Hogan’s ass and he never has to so much as look bad without getting his heat back. It’s Hell in a Cell at the PPV, by the way, because apparently adding a cage around the ring will miraculously heal Nash’s legs. They just don’t even have a clue what road they’re headed down anymore, do they?

The Bottom Line:

Trust HHH to craft a show where they spend two hours making you care about his challenger and then have him get pinned clean by the Lord of RAW in the center of the ring in order to hype a gimmick match with his best friend in a rematch from what will be the least-bought PPV of the year.

A bit heavy on the talking this week, but not enough to dampen my enjoyment of the performances of Flair and Austin throughout the show and a fairly enjoyable effort all around this week. If only Rock were still around to take them over the top for shows like this one.