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The SmarKdown Rant – January 2 2003

January 2, 2003 | Posted by Scott Keith

The SmarKdown Rant – January 2 2003

– Happy New Year! Although really the changing of a calendar seems to be a pretty arbitrary thing to celebrate. But hey, any excuse to drink…or make resolutions, like this one from The Scotsman.

[14:20] scotsmanwu: Hey I made up a New Years Resolution.
[14:20] RSPWFAQ: To stop bugging me?
[14:20] scotsmanwu: HA! Yeah right.
[14:20] scotsmanwu: No to not make any Scott Keith/Fat jokes anymore!
[14:21] RSPWFAQ: Close enough.

– So I spent a hectic 3 day marathon session watching 24: The First Season on DVD this week, before realizing that actually writing a review of it would entail giving away a million twists and turns and thus ruining the experience for the people I’m recommending it to. So I decided to review Minority Report instead and I’m just gonna summarize by saying that 24 is one of the most amazing TV shows I’ve ever seen. Never before did I think that I could jump off my couch yelling “OH MY GOD, HE SPEAKS SERBIAN!” but there it was. Kiefer Sutherland is BADASS and the WWE writers NEED to watch this shit and learn how to book a serial drama while paying attention to the smaller details that hold things together. I only have a couple of small criticisms – one or two of the plot twists are out of a BAD soap opera (In fact, I’m forgetting one of them as we speak…maybe I have amnesia…) and the final twist made absolutely no sense and almost took me out of the story completely. And a certain major actor’s attempt at a foreign accent was, shall we say, jarring. But that’s minor – this awesome, awesome stuff and you have excuse for not buying this immediately. It’s cheap and the video quality is great and it will restore your faith in network TV. Pick up
24 – Season One
at Amazon right now. RIGHT NOW. GO.

– LIVE! LIVE! LIVE…from Albuquerque, NM.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– C-Note & Bling Bling open things with a rap tribute to Rikishi.

– John Cena v. Rikishi. Rikishi attacks to start as this feud continues dragging onwards and downwards. They brawl out and Cena hits the stairs. Back in, big fat legdrop gets two. Superkick sets up the Stinkface, but Buchanan saves him. Cena takes over with a cheapshot in the corner and B2 adds his own to give Cena a two. Backdrop suplex and Cena stomps away for two. We hit the (LIVE!) chinlock, but Rikishi makes the comeback, only to miss a charge. He gets a chokeslam for nothing with Buchanan distracting the ref, but the ref gets bumped in a weird spot, leading to a bad rollup for the Cena pin at 3:50. Yeah, okay, let’s move on now. DUD

– This segues immediately into Dawn Marie coming out in her wedding dress and talking about nothing, before announcing that she’s going to wed Al in the nude. Yeah, I’m so sure we’ll see that. Even the promise of nudity doesn’t seem to excite the crowd.

– Elsewhere, Stephanie meets up with Dawn Marie backstage, but has a problem with all the nudity. She promises repercussions. Back to a heel again, I guess.

– Chuck Palumbo v. Bill DeMott. Man, Chuck’s stock has fallen lower than the WWE’s. DeMott overpowers him and they slug it out. DeMott clubs him down with ANGER and INTENSITY as the crowd yawns INTENSELY. ANGRY vertical suplex and Bill kicks away. Some INTENSE choking and an ANGRY headbutt set up an INTENSE chinlock. Or maybe it’s ANGRY. I have trouble keeping track after a while. Funny how much more boring DeMott’s matches are without the heat machine and editing. DeMott keeps pounding away, but misses a charge and Palumbo fights back with a corner clothesline. Overhead suplex, but DeMott walks into a lariat and DeMott gets an inverted DDT for the pin at 3:50. That’s a pretty lame finisher. Total yawner. ј*

– Undertaker video seems to promise another gimmick change for him. Yeah, that’ll spruce up his character – bringing back his character from 10 years ago.

– Elsewhere, Kidman and Torrie bump into each other backstage. SMELL THE CHEMISTRY. Kidman does his Al Wilson impression, which I guess is supposed to be funny. Torrie is banging him in real life and even she can’t come up with anything more than “That’s good” to sum up the bit.

– Elsewhere, Kurt Angle points out that it still says Marquee on the Wrestling, and he’s not worried about who Benoit picks as his partner against Team Angle tonight.

– Kidman v. Eddie Guerrero. Eddie has tragically cut off the hair again. Kidman works the armdrag to start, but misses a dropkick and gets stomped. Eddie makes with the chops and gets a blockbuster suplex for two, into the chinlock. Kidman walks into a knee, but Cena & Buchanan stop the match with a rap. It turns into a MELEE and Bull slugs it out with Chavo, but Rikishi hits the ring and attacks Buchanan as Kidman & Eddie keep fighting outside and we take a commercial break. We return with order MAINTAINED and C-Note on commentary. Eddie gets a backbreaker into an airplane spin/Gory Special for two. Back to the chinlock. Cena is apparently “thick like a 7-layer cake”. Well, that’s good to know. Eddie tosses Kidman and comes back in with the slingshot senton and a sleeper. Cena suspects that Cole is trying to beef him. Okay then. Tazz seems to be having trouble keeping a straight face. Kidman heads up and gets superplexed, and Eddie goes up himself but misses the frog splash. Kidman comes back with a powerbomb for two. Dropkick and Rydien bomb get two. Eddie tries his own powerbomb, but, you know. Cole calls it “unique”. Kidman comes off with a flying bodypress for two. Cena manages to rhyme “Dissin’” and “out of position”. They collide and Kidman goes down, which allows Cena to bop Eddie with a chain and allow Kidman the SSP for the pin at 13:29. That was quite the long and good match, and Eddie is God for making Kidman into an interesting wrestler. *** Extra points for Cena managing to rap his entire color commentary.

– Hey, it’s yet another video package of Dawn Marie and Torrie Wilson.

– The Wedding of the Century! Thankfully Cole & Tazz are in fine comedic form. Al’s leisure suit defies mere jokes. The preacher is a white guy who sounds like Slick. The entire crowd objects to the union, but that doesn’t stop things. Dawn also objects, however, and refuses to go on while wearing a dress. Once she gets down to the underwear, however, she announces that Stephanie told her that she couldn’t take any more off. But Al is apparently immune from that rule, however, and Dawn strips him. She decides not to show the world Al’s attributes. And thank god for that. I don’t know who to blame for this, but whoever it is deserves to be locked in a room and made to watch it 100 times. I’ll take Chucky and the Black Scorpion in a tag team match against Shockmaster and David Arquette over this nonsense. And that’s it – they’re married, no angle, no run-ins, no pay-off. Not even Bischoff unmasking as Al Wilson, or HHH revealing that he married Al the night before. I am truly at a loss to put into words what a gigantic waste of time this whole thing was. I’d whip out the hot pokers, but then that would conjure up images of Al Wilson’s package again, and no one wants that.

– Well, on the upside, the show probably can’t get any WORSE…

– Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas v. Chris Benoit & Edge. Edge seems to be playing second banana in tag matches a lot lately. And why even hype Edge as a mystery partner? He would have made sense as a partner anyway. At any rate, they need to DECISIVELY make Benoit into a face here. Benoit overpowers Haas to start, and then outwrestles Benjamin into an early crossface. Benoit & Edge work him over in the corner and Edge chops away. Benjamin charges and hits boot, and Edge gets a missile dropkick for two. A cheapshot turns the tide, however, and Edge meets the railing. Benjamin gets a backdrop suplex for two, and we hit the chinlock. Team Angle works over Edge with the usual heel stuff, including a shot from Angle. Haas gets an overhead suplex for two. Team Angle pulls out another Badd Company tribute, with the leapfrog-rope choke. Haas keeps pounding away and gets a faceplant into the Haas of Pain, but Benoit saves. Benjamin misses a spinkick, and Edge comes back with a faceplant as Angle directs traffic. Hot tag Benoit and he hits them with clotheslines A-GOGO. Release germans for both of Team Angle and a snap suplex for Benjamin set up the diving headbutt for two. It’s BONZO GONZO as the faces unload stereo rolling germans, but Angle goes after Edge. Benoit locks in the crossface on Benjamin, drawing Angle in for the DQ at 7:06. That was the right finish – you don’t want to make Benoit look weak or job the new kids in the their first match. Good little tag match. **1/2 Angle beats on the ring announcer for announcing that his team lost, and bullies him into announcing a win for Team Angle. Yeah, this guy really needs Heyman to talk for him.

– Paul Heyman joins us in the ring to put over Team Angle and introduce the REAL reason for the ratings: Big Show. And apparently he wants to make sweet love to Big Show down by the fire or something. They have a challenge for Brock Lesnar at Royal Rumble: Show v. Brock, winner gets into the Rumble. Brock comes out to answer, but gets jumped by Matt Hardy & Shannon Moore. Brock destroys them all and bleeds from the back of the head. Do we NEED another Big Show v. Brock match? This show is not so good this week. An interesting e-mail I just got points out that this Team Angle v. Brock Lesnar stuff is becoming rather reminiscent of Hart Foundation v. Steve Austin from 1997. The classics still work the best.

– Elsewhere, Dawn & Al head for the wedding car and announce that they’re videotaping the honeymoon and will be sending live updates next week. Kill me now.

– Cousin Nunzio v. Crash. Josh Matthews is doing ring announcing now as the show slips further down the slippery slope. Crash starts with a cross-body and a backslide for two, but gets clotheslined. These guys are both dead as of last week so I don’t know why they’re bothering. Crash hits the post somehow and Nunzio works the arm for two. Crash comes back with a rollup for two, but Nunzio goes back to the arm with a flying armbar for the pin at 1:58. Maybe they should have tried this BEFORE making all three look like ragdolls for Bill DeMott. Ѕ*

– Elsewhere, Matt gives an inspirational speech to Shannon Moore about the tenets of Mattitude. The gist seems to be “Don’t screw up”.

– Brock Lesnar v. Matt Hardy. We’re rapidly running out of time, so this should be brief. Matt Facts: Matt always stays awake until sunrise on New Year’s. Brock steamrolls him to start and gets a rather mean backbreaker. Brock stomps him down and gets an overhead suplex, which busts Matt open. That’s quite the suplex. He sends Matt into the corner and clotheslines him, and back into the corner again. Shannon interferes and gets tossed as a result, allowing Matt to go for the knee. That goes nowhere, as Brock suplexes him again and beats on both MFers. Matt gets the Twist of Fate for two, but Brock hulks up and finishes with the F5 at 4:36. Total by the numbers stuff. Ѕ*

The Bottom Line:

Let us not speak of this show, or Al Wilson’s genitalia, ever again. New rule: Live Smackdowns suck.

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