Handicapping the News 10.19.12

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve been here, and I’ll be honest: it’s hard to come back. I’m one of those people that don’t own a laptop, and two weeks ago I was on the road. Getting the column done on an iPhone while driving just wasn’t something that I was capable of. I’m sure you were all broken hearted. Last week, I was just plain sick. I caught a stomach virus that’s been making the rounds where I live and sitting down at the computer and coming up with something to say – witty or otherwise – about wrestling headlines just wasn’t something that I was capable of. Again, I’m sure you were all broken hearted. Now, as I sit here on a Thursday and try to organize my thoughts and link to images in order to get this submitted on time (or really close to it), I realize how much easier it would be to watch Impact and then play NBA 2k13. I signed up for this voluntarily, though, it’s just a matter of getting back into the swing of things. With that said, I don’t think there’s any need to revisit the reader spotlight from weeks ago…and with the advent of the Disqus Age here at 411mania, it seems like an irrelevant feature now. I can just respond directly in the comment section below, right? Right. So I’ll cut that riffraff out and move on to what you’re all here for, presuambly. Headlines.

Dark Matches

10.15.12 Gail Kim ranked #1 in the PWI Women’s 50. What are the odds…
TNA mentions the “honor”? 40 to 1
Gail Kim leaves TNA within six months? 25 to 1
IWC Fanboys will use the list as a checklist of women to look up nude pictures of? 3 to 2

10.16.12 CM Punk tapped to write the intro for Marvel’s AvX hardcover. What are the odds…
Punk actually read the books? 3 to 2
This increases sales? 5 to 1
Punk mentions that all Cyclops wanted in the beginning was for Hope to take control of the Phoenix because it would lead to the creation of new mutants but then the Avengers got all high and mighty and started a fight over it by kidnapping Hope, causing the Phoenix to latch on to five people that weren’t prepared for it which led to huge brawls and mass destruction, only to have Hope take control of the Phoenix and create new mutants like Cyclops wanted to begin with? 10 to 1

10.16.12 Hector Garza retires due to lung cancer; torn scrotum rumored to finally be healed

It was announced this week that Hector Garza would be retiring from the ring due to lung cancer, specifically a form of cancer that is strongly linked to the inhalation of asbestos. Both of my parents have beaten cancer, and it’s not something to joke about. Don’t expect a lot of lighthearted stuff here outside of that headline. And really, who can’t laugh at a torn scrotum? Aside from the guy that has one, of course.

Garza has had an odd career. I remember him originally in the World Wrestling Federation, and somewhere at my parent’s house is an old WWF Magazine that contains about a ten page write up explaining why Hector Garza was going to be the next Shawn Michaels. Obviously, he wasn’t for a variety of reasons. The parallels are there, though. Garza was immensely talented in the ring. He could fly, he could work, and he could put on a show. At various times, though, Garza was his own worst enemy because of illegal substances (steroids). While Garza never got a lot of traction in the United States despite appearing in the WWF, WCW, and TNA, he was a huge star in his native Mexico and a former CMLL World Champion.

Now, at age 43, Hector Garza is facing an entirely different battle. His career has been interrupted, but he has vowed to return to the ring. What’s in Garza’s future?

A successful recovery: OFF THE TABLE
I’ve said before that I don’t put odds on certain things. I just hope for them. This is, obviously, one of those things. Regardless of the impact or lack thereof that Garza had on the American wrestling industry, or whether I’m a fan of the guy or not, he’s a human being with a family. I’m pulling for him.

A return to the ring: 30 to 1
Cancer is a tough battle, even when it’s caught early. Chemotherapy and radiation treatments can be absolutely devastating to the human body, and it takes time to recover from them. Garza has some things working in his favor, namely the fact that he’s young and in great shape. Even so, the fight ahead of him isn’t likely to be quick or easy, and a return to the ring may take years, if it happens at all.

Garza continues wearing a cup for everything: 5 to 1
That’s still the funniest wrestling injury of all time.

10.13.12 Adam Copeland no longer Edge; U2 guitarist reportedly relieved

Sporting a haircut that you’d see on a substitute history teacher desperately trying to stay cool, Adam Copeland officially relinquished the rights to the name Edge this week. This comes on the heels of Edge turning down a Legends contract with WWE. Through the years, Edge has shown himself to be a pretty smart guy, including knowing when to walk away from the ring as opposed to squeezing another six months out of his career at the risk of paralysis. If he’s dropping the name and turning down guaranteed money, there’s got to be a reason for it.

Adam Copeland doesn’t seem like he was too attached to the name, and doesn’t seem to be bothered by the fact that he can’t advertise himself as “WWE Superstar Edge” anymore. By his own account, he feels better than he has in years, and is simply awaiting surgery to relieve pressure on his spinal column. Wrestlers have a long history of walking away by force, not by choice, and appearing in front of 15 people in a high school gym for $20 before too many years have passed. I wouldn’t bank on Copeland being one of those any time soon. He’s started working his way into Hollywood, and while he probably won’t win any Oscars, is likely to have a relatively successful second career there.

As time goes by, though, Copeland will be faced with the same dilemma that faces all “ex-wrestlers.” The number of guys that can truly walk away from the business are few and far between. Right now, it’s easy to stay away. The itch can be cured with occasional appearances and autograph signings. What happens, though, when he feels the urge to get back in the ring? What happens when Adam Copeland starts itching to lace up the boots? What happens when he goes six months without a haircut and doesn’t look like a giant tool?

Adam Copeland stays retired, becomes an actor: 25 to 1
Possible, but not necessarily the odds on favorite. The odds will get better, however, if any of his acting projects are met with solid or better reviews.

Adam Copeland eventually signs a Legends contract: 15 to 1
Eventually is a very open ended word. It sort of covers from now until the end of time. With that being the definition, I’d say you’ll see the WWE Hall of Famer under a Legends contract at some point.

Adam Copeland returns to the ring: 2 to 1
If Shawn Michaels can make a comeback, anyone can. Modern medicine is getting more and more adept at working miracles. Remember, Shawn was out of the ring for almost four years. It was after all that time off that he was able to return to the ring better than ever. Necks are delicate things, but there’s no reason to think that with extended time off, Adam Copeland can’t return to the ring, either as Edge in WWE, himself in TNA or Ring of Honor, or somewhere else that doesn’t seem like a viable option right now. He’s already been gone for a year and a half. He’s 38. Give him another year and a half off and we can see a forty year old Edge making a big return. The precedent is there.

10.18.12 Tara is literally everywhere; I couldn’t do another Tammy Sytch rehab blurb

The TNA Knockouts champion has certainly been busy lately. Aside from appearing on television with “Mr. Pectacular” Jesse Godderz, feuding with Brooke Tessmacher, and being the focal point of the division right now, the 41 year old has a lot going on.

She’s announced that she’s going to be opening a restaurant, and that it will be her primary job. She intends on being at the restaurant “three or four days a week”, which considering travel time to and from Orlando to be on Impact, is about the maximum that she could devote to such a project. She’s ran businesses before, owning a pizzeria and an auto custom shop to some success. Owning any business is something that demands a lot of time and attention, but that’s not all she’s got going on.

Tara is apparently going to appear on an episode of Made for MTV, which should be interesting. As female wrestlers go, she’d be my pick to put on there. If she’s going to be on there for anything else, well..I’m less likely to watch, but may still check it out. As Billy Mays once said, though, “But wait…there’s more!”

She’ll also be involved with a documentary by Matt Goldberg, who has done short series for HBO focusing on boxing and Freddie Roach. With all of this going on, what else can we expect from her?

Another 3 years in wrestling: 3 to 1
Let’s be honest, at nearly 41 years old, Tara has exceeded the lifespan of most female wrestlers. We live in an age where female wrestlers are viable for about as long as they’re potential Playboy material, and then we move on. Well…Tara is still Playboy material. She’s in great shape, she looks fantastic, and there’s no indication that she can’t keep performing at a very high level for a long time to come.

Enough success with the restaurant to leave the sport: 5 to 1
Restaurants can be a lucrative business, especially when you don’t have to deal with franchising fees and things of that nature. A successfully self owned and operated restaurant can put a lot of money in the bank. It’s not Tara’s first go-round with a business, as was mentioned above, and there’s a solid chance that she can make a true career out of this.

An eventual induction to the WWE Hall of Fame: 100 to 1
Does she deserve it? As women’s wrestlers go, I’d say yes. However, she’s always done things on her own terms, and that can certainly be frowned upon by those in WWE. Beyond that, though, Tara never really gained the massive appeal that someone like Trish Stratus or even Lita did that would warrant the rare induction of a female to the WWE Hall of Fame.

10.12.12-now Hulk Hogan Sex Tape saga paralyzes entire nation with nausea

An unspeakable punishment was turned loose on humanity recently as Hulk Hogan’s sex tape was revealed to an unsuspecting populace. Halfhearted jokes were made by several people about “Hulking up” and how many times the word “brother” was used, but all in all I’m pretty sure that the general reaction to such an abomination’s very existence was a huge spike in sales of Pepto Bismol. This blows Chyna’s porn career out of the water in terms of cringe factor, and that’s no small accomplishment.

There’s already been several twists and turns here, as Hogan has threatened to get the FBI involved, and like most disgraced celebrities is making half hearted attempts at stopping distribution of the tape. Since the number of people that want to see a video tape of me having sex with anyone comes to exactly zero, I have no idea what the legal precedents are for such things. I just know that there seem to be an awful lot of celebrity sex tapes out there that celebrities may or may not have actually wanted to be released. This does not bode well for keeping Hogan’s dong from being mass circulated.

There’s also been some he said-he said between Hulk Hogan and Bubba the Love Sponge, a man whose name I sincerely hoped I would never be required to type. Hogan says he didn’t know he was being filmed, Bubba says that the Hulkster was fully aware. I’m personally hoping that Hulk didn’t know, because the idea of a sex triangle that is two thirds Hulk Hogan and Bubba The Love Sponge is something that even HP Lovecraft couldn’t have dreamed up. Pure nightmare fuel.

This will continue to unfold until the horror is contained or officially unleashed upon humanity in retail form. What should we expect?

Hogan’s sex tape is officially released, mass blindness ensues: 4 to 1
Unfortunately, these things tend to sell to the highest bidder and then make their rounds on the Internet. This is because, as Avenue Q explained, The Internet Is For Porn. If there’s one type of porn that people love more than most, it’s celebrity porn. Hulk Hogan is, by all accounts, a celebrity. Thankfully there’s less demand for male celebrity sex tapes than female sex tapes, but I fear this one’s sheer ridiculousness will push it to be more accepted than most would in this situation.

It turns out Hogan was in on this and it’s just a way to keep his name out there: EVEN
Hulk Hogan loves him some Hulk Hogan. He is a shameless self promoter, and everything about this screams shameless. The difference is that Hogan was on camera with his friend’s ex wife. If this were Ric Flair, he would have been caught on camera drunk, wearing one of his classic robes, and getting busted with a $10 prostitute in a motel where you can pay by the hour while screaming about Space Mountain. There’s an image to carry with you.

Old 9mm footage of an Andre the Giant sex tape is unearthed: 500 to 1
Did 9mm cameras even have wide angle lenses?

The IWC has done it again.

At TNA’s Bound For Glory pay per view, Devon was revealed as a member of Aces and 8s. Not the leader, just a member. I’m not sure exactly who was expected, but there were cries far and wide that once again, TNA had screwed things up. They had delivered a disappointing surprise, and would now have to scramble to rewrite the angle so that it looked like they had a master plan all along. The IWC would have you believe that there’s no such thing as long term planning, and that anything that can possibly be construed as a mistake will be not only perceived that way, but relentlessly picked apart and analyzed beyond belief.

This isn’t about TNA. Whether you like TNA or not is irrelevant to the point I’m about to make. This is just the most recent example of one of the problems that exists with the internet wrestling community at large. What problem is that?

The idea of “swerves.”

See, if something unexpected happens, then people are up in arms about a “swerve,” and how it’s nonsensical booking. It shows a lack of planning, and everybody is chomping at the bit to tell you how they could do things better. Things should be planned out better, storytelling needs to make more sense, and creative teams need to work harder at telling coherent stories.

If there’s no swerve, though, then promotions are lambasted for having no creativity, and no imagination. Pay per views get ripped for being predictable and disappointing. Wrestling “fans” on the internet create a no win situation for themselves to ensure they don’t accidentally enjoy something. TNA pulled off a reasonable surprise this past Sunday by bringing both Devon and Matt Morgan out at different points in the show. In the context of things, both appearances made sense and should make for interesting angles going forward. I’m sure the Internet will find a way to tear it down, though, no matter how good it is.

That’s it for me. I’ll try to do better next time. You can message me on Twitter @GavinNapier411 if you want to tell me how much you love me or hate me, or just say hi. Fill up the comment section below and I’ll gladly respond and we can talk about what you loved or hated about the column. Odds are I’ll be back next week.