Universal Wrestling Federation (12.13.1986) Review

-Originally aired December 13, 1986.

-Your hosts are Jim Ross & Michael Hayes. Hayes says he took a few weeks off from commentary to think about things, and soon everyone will find out what he’s thinking. Jim Ross asks him why he brought a brown paper bag out for commentary and Hayes teases that we’ll find out. JR makes sure to plug the new issue of All Pro Wrestling, the official UWF Magazine. Holy crap, we’re in December 1986, Bill Watts could NOT have been planning to sell the company four months from now if he’s printing a magazine.

HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN & TERRY TAYLOR vs. THE LIBYAN & BOBBY PEREZ
-The jobber team could not possibly sound more like an Arlo Guthrie song title.

-Perez armdrags Taylor. Taylor hiptosses Perez and follows with a dropkick. Libyan seems to politely decline an attempted tag and just gives Perez a pep talk convincing him to go back out there. Donnybrook breaks out and we get a cute finish where Hacksaw and Taylor both hit their finishes and pin the jobbers simultaneously.

-JR and Michael Hayes step out of kayfabe for a few moments to discuss the very real car accident that Hollywood John Tatum was in recently and acknowledge he’ll be out for a few months. Michael Hayes offers well wishes and puts over Tatum, and reading up on the details of the accident, that would NEVER happen today–he was charged with negligent homicide. (There is very, very little news coverage after the initial report of the accident but it doesn’t look like he served any time.)

-We flash back to last week’s episode of Power Pro Wrestling, in which Victory breaks the news about the car accident, and the crowd seems 50% split about if this is real or not. Victory seems to turn babyface here while wishing his friend well, and announces he’ll be forming a tag team with Mike George until Tatum can compete again.

ELI THE ELIMINATOR vs. KEN MASSEY
-Michael Hayes says Eli is aptly name because he looks like an Eliminator. To my eye, he does not, in any way, resemble a treadmill on an inclined ramp.

-Massey whips Eli but runs into a big boot. Tombstone by Eli, and he jumps in the air with it to give it some sauce for the win.

-Bruce Prichard narrates an ad for more UWF merchandise–Power Paks! This is actually a pretty neat idea. Buy your Pak and name your favorite wrestler when you make the payment, and they’ll mail you a box of merchandise specifically for your wrestler. That’s an amazing idea that the WWF should have copied with all the merch they were pumping out. Imagine Christmas morning and opening up a box with a Jake the Snake t-shirt, poster, action figure, and a giant rubber Damien.

ONE MAN GANG & BILL IRWIN (with Skandar Akbar) vs. JEFF GAYLORD & BRETT WAYNE SAWYER
-Irwin hammers at Gaylord. Gaylord fires back and clotheslines Irwin down. Gaylord is pretty damn over here and I’m a little surprised that they haven’t pulled a trigger with him at this point.

-Sawyer tags in and makes a go at fighting both opponents, but we get a finish gone wrong with Irwin and Sawyer apparently not agreeing on what move Irwin was supposed to counter…anyway, it ends with Sawyer being slammed into position for a Gang splash, and that’s it.

-Jim Ross says that fans have been calling and writing in and they’re SICK AND TIRED of 2-on-1 and 3-on-1 sneak attacks perpetrated by all the heels in the UWF. This leads to a montage of all the shocking sneak attacks that have happened in the past few months. We get a statement from Bill Watts about this matter. Bill Watts is against giving the referees more power because if you need a referee to rescue you, then you don’t really belong in wrestling. His solution is a first-blood bunkhouse brawl, a battle royal in which the only way to be eliminated is to bleed or submit. This is not in any way a solution to sneak attacks happening during regular matches. What kind of solution is that? “The guys who have to ride in the car with Missing Link say he farts on long trips; therefore, everyone on the roster has to come to Showbiz Pizza for a pinball tournament to settle this thing.”

TV TITLE: SAVANNAH JACK (Champion) vs. BUDDY JACK ROBERTS (with Sunshine)
-Buddy gets a rematch from his title defeat a while ago.

-Buddy works a leg and an arm, then goes after the eyes. Kneedrop misses, and Jack superkicks Buddy over the top rope and onto the concrete. Michael Hayes immediately rushes to the ring with his paper bag and produces a cup of something, but seems to change his mind and nothing happens. That was odd.

-We get an encore presentation of the “Living in America” music video spotlighting Ted DiBiase & Steve Williams.

CHAVO GUERRERO vs. ART CREWS
-Chavo clamps on headscissors. Crews knees and hammers, but gets caught in a backdrop. Fist fight breaks out, and Crews tries an Irish whip, but Chavo turns it into a moonsault for three.

THE FANTASTICS & THE MISSING LINK (with Dark Journey) vs. EDDIE GILBERT, RICK STEINER, & STING (with Missy Hyatt)
It’s a pier sixer right away and the faces clear the ring with relative ease. Gilbert tries to sneak back in with a top rope axehandle, but Missing Link spots him in mid-climb and slams him off. Eddie tries to tag out but goes to the wrong corner, and Link takes a bite out of him.

-Another brawl breaks out and the credits roll as the referee struggles to regain control WE ARE DESPERATELY OUTTA TIME! This is an asshole move, too, because they ran a video package and SNME-style promos to hype this match beforehand.

5.2

The final score: review Not So Good

The 411

Weird week with a bullshit main event and the nonsensical Battle Royal to End All Outside Interference Somehow, and nothing of interest beyond that.