wrestling / Columns

You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why 10.18.07: Teddy Hart

October 18, 2007 | Posted by Rob Halden

Readers, you’re all so gosh-darn lucky I can find the time to make fun of people this week, as I am currently on holiday. See, most of the year I go around as a hairy-ball-of-hate (and that was my actual nickname at Uni) but for a few weeks out of twelve months I take a vacation from myself. I become a pleasant and amiable fellow with nothing but love in his heart and a song on his lips. Why, just this morning I was kind to a poor person and restrained myself from slapping a small child. Yes, at this time of the year I’m a genuine humanitarian. As such, I find it hard to conjure up the necessary hate for our weekly meeting. Luckily for me some of my dear sweet readers out there are a bunch of pissed off bastards.

So Rob, you think you could drop some Teddy Hart idiocy on us? Seriously, the idea that he’s gotten every chance in the world to succeed and has fallen flat on his face in nearly every facet absolutely amazes me to no end. You could write a little something about that, I’m sure.

Keep up the good work. Cynics will always have room in my schedule if they keep writing good columns.

Tim Livingston (former 411 staffer)

…and also

Also, I have a suggestion for your next “Idiot” column: Teddy Hart. I’m sure you’ve heard by now that he and the WWE have “parted ways,” which is basically code for “he got shit-canned because of his notorious attitude problems.” More than anyone else in recent memory, Hart really needs to be labeled as a complete moron…..Fuck, I hate Teddy Hart. What an idiot.
Matt DK

Matt and Tim were just two out of scores of you who e-mailed me this week demanding that Teddy Hart get the Idiot Treatment. So before we do this, I just want to go on public record as saying that this was not my idea. This was demanded by the public. The people. The readers. And I am naught but their slave.

This Week’s Idiot: Teddy Hart

Teddy Hart, nephew to the Hart Brothers and grandson to the late, great Stu Hart (he wrestled a fucking bear!), is undoubtedly one of the most talented young athletes and hottest commodities in the wrestling circuit today. A high-flying Cruiserweight, Teddy possesses an arsenal of dazzling moves, a superstar look and name-value that immediately gives him what 90% of the rest of the talent lack; a selling point. The guy’s a slam-dunk, right? Whether in Ring Of Honor, TNA’s X-Division or the WWE, this guy should be a key player, right? So what’s holding him back? What’s preventing Teddy Hart from being the huge star his talent clearly could make him? Well, it’s due to a medical condition that doctors call Being A Complete Douche.

Although it’s not clear exactly how long Teddy has suffered from this condition, the symptoms have manifested themselves numerous times during his career, earning him a reputation on the Independent Circuit for being “a handful”. You know shit’s bad when people use phrases like “a handful” and “loose cannon”, as these are the most professional ways a company or employer can call you a fucking tool. Teddy’s ego began to outshine his name-power and in-ring skill.

Still, the lure of mucho-mucho Hart-based dollars was enough for the WWE to give Teddy a developmental contract in 1998, making him the youngest person to ever receive such an honor at the tender age of 18. Teddy began working on making his way towards the WWE by training in the Funkin’ Dojo (best name ever? Yeah, best name ever) under the one and only Dory Funk Jr. The WWE has previously trusted Dory to train hot commodities like Edge and Christian, the Hardy Boyz and Kurt Angle, so clearly the ‘E was putting a lot of stock in Teddy’s future. However, it wasn’t long before Teddy’s backstage behavior and reputedly massive ego caused the WWE to release him for these attitude problems. Let me put that in perspective. Randy Orton took a dump in a woman’s bag and all the WWE did was give him a slap on the wrist. Exactly what kind of “attitude problems” do you have to have for them to fire you? Did he jizz on HHH’s cereal?

Fast-forward to 2003 and Ring Of Honor’s Main Event Spectacle show in New Jersey. During a brutal, spot-fest of a scramble cage match Teddy takes some hellacious moves and should have been down for the count. The story and psychology for this part of the match is; Teddy Hart has had the crap kicked out of him, the moves were so painful and serious he may need medical attention. So what does Teddy do to sell this to the crowd? Why, he climbs to the top of the steel cage and performs many repeated flips from off the top, of course! See, Teddy’s idea of convincing people he’s in a lot of pain…is to climb a fifteen foot steel cage and then perform a Shooting Star Press onto the fucking concrete. His opponents in this match, understandably upset that Teddy has just made himself out to be some sort of un-killable superman, try to beat him down onto the mat so that he’ll stay down and…y’know…do his fucking job. Teddy, of course, has other plans, and decides to get back up again and perform some more amazing flips and jumps from off the top of the cage. “How many?” I hear you ask. So many that he throws up in the middle of the ring.

Surprise, surprise, Teddy wasn’t too popular backstage after this took place. Samoa Joe reportedly threw Teddy and his luggage out of the locker room and made him change in the corridor. And that’s the second greatest thing about Samoa Joe in the world (the first? He’ll fucking kill you). ROH subsequently banned Teddy from working with them, and this incident, alongside public brawls with CM Punk and Steve Corino, has led to Teddy being black-balled from a large number of Independent wrestling promotions in the US.

Recently Teddy received a second WWE developmental contract, and it was hoped by many insiders (and publicly stated by Jim Ross) that Teddy had grown and matured since his last tenure with the company. God only fucking knows why they thought that. Teddy was put together with a number of other ‘famous-offspring’ wrestlers, including Nattie Neidhart (Jim Neidhart’s daughter), Harry Smith (the British Bulldog’s son) and Ted DiBiase Jr. (the Million Dollar Man’s son) into a promising and exciting group under the banner of The Next Generation Hart Foundation. It wasn’t long before those dollar-bill signs began spinning around in Vince’s eyes and the rumor-mill was rife with stories that this new stable would soon be brought up to the main WWE roster. But guess what folks? Can anyone out there guess? Having read what’s gone before, does anyone have the slightest inclination of what’s about to happen?

Well reports come out that Teddy is skipping training sessions, refusing to help the other workers clean up the building after training and has been taking phone-calls in the middle of production meetings. On top of all that Teddy apparently refuses to do as he’s told in the ring. The trainers say to Teddy, “we know you normally do a bazillion back-flips and 80-bazillion moonsaults, but slow the pace down for this match and only do 3”. Teddy nods his head and then proceeds to do eleventy-bazillion back-flips and moonsaults. Apparently Teddy hasn’t seen any WWE match ever, and doesn’t really know what kind of matches it is that they put on, so he just ignored the people who are in charge of his possibly-lucrative future at the WWE and did whatever the fuck that Teddy Hart wanted to do. Which got him shit-canned.

I personally think Teddy loves to back-flip so much he can’t make rational decisions. Like a blackbird who gets distracted by anything shiny, or a child with ADHD, Teddy’s brain works like this; Hmmm, I know I was told to hit a bulldog and then sell the knee injury…however…BACK-FLIP BACK-FLIP BACK-FLIP MOOOOOOOOONSAULT! WHEEE!

Hell, even if Teddy didn’t fuck up colossally whilst in training, there’s still a 98.4% chance that the moment he’s given a WWE contract to sign… Hmmmm, a full-time Raw contract that would put me on an international scale, make me famous, increase my name-value/merchandize-possibilities and increase my wealth…BACK-FLIP BACK-FLIP BACK-FLIP MOOOOOOOOONSAULT! WHEEE!

The IWC seems to have loved the idea of a new Hart Foundation, and the current outrage aimed at Teddy seems to be because the fans feel he’s taken that possibility away from them. In his letter from last week Matt DK went on to say;
Without the Hart name backing it up, the Hart Foundation 2.0 is shot to hell, robbing Nattie Neidhart, Harry Smith and Ted DiBiase, Jr. of a ready-made chance at stardom. Luckily, all three of them are very talented and their chances for success aren’t completely doomed. Still, what a fuck-tard. And on a personal level, he’s fucked me and many of my friends out of something that could have been fresh and entertaining, something the WWE has been seriously lacking as of late.
Which I think generally sums up the majority of IWC feelings.

Don’t expect Teddy to care though. He enjoys calling internet fans “faggots” which is just lovely.

You’re An Idiot Because – You Love Back-Flips And Moonsaults More Than Your Career And The Torch-Wielding Mob Of Fans Hastily Making Their Way Towards Your Next Indy Show

Let’s take a look at what Steve Sullivan over at The Happy Go Sucky Report had to say about Teddy Hart.

Happy: Ya know, if you can’t keep your mouth shut and grow up, then you get what you deserve. I don’t want to get myself excited for an angle only to have some punk ass, immature brat cry his way out of a contract and opportunity. Good riddance. I can tell you’re related to Bret.

Oooooooh snap! That just the level of anger, bile and name-calling I love to see in a man. Steve, keep that shit up and you’re a shoe in for this year’s Rob Halden Man Of Hate Award.

Before I go, a big thanks to everyone for their Smackdown Vs Raw feedback from last week. I’m holding on to those for a special report I’ll bring out when the game is finally released.

In the meantime, feel free to direct any hate-mail my way. This means you Teddy Hart fans.


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Rob Halden

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