YouTubular: Kwang

I can’t take credit for that tag line. I think I read it on WrestleCrap, but it’s so true. During the New Generation era it was like Vince McMahon was virtually taking a crap in his hands and then throwing it against the wall to see what would stick. Case in point, Kwang the fat ass Puerto Rican ninja. He was played by Savio Vega in a mask and managed by Harvey Whippleman. Vega played the character from Jan. 1994, after a series of vignettes to introduce him aired, until May 1995 when Vega debuted as Razor Ramon’s old buddy at In Your House.

Kwang with Harvey Whippleman vs. Ray Hudson
Video Length: 5:27
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This is from “Wrestling Challenge” with Gorilla Monsoon and Jim Ross. Hudson is just another jobber with a mullet and porn star mustache. It’s Kwang’s debut. Ross and Monsoon are just crapping all over this gimmick in read between the lines fashion. JR refers to him as “thick,” because he hasn’t happened upon the word hoss yet for a giant unmotivated slug in the ring.

Kwang hits a series of thrusts and kicks. He nails a roundhouse kick to Hudson’s head and goes into tai chi. Kwang spits green mist and Monsoon has an aneurysm. Kwang scores a headbutt and a back handed chop off the ropes. He gets another kick to the back of the head. This match is like watching paint dry. Paint literally could dry in between moves. Kwang chokes Hudson out on the mat. Kwang works Hudson over in the corner. Hudson is hip tossed out of the corner. Kwang telegraphs a backdrop allowing Hudson to get a kick to the chops and a dropkick. He whips Kwang to the far corner and charges into a spin kick. He throws Hudson into the ropes for another kick. A thrust kick to the chops ends it. DUD. Wow, that sucked. At least the commentary was funny.

Kwang vs. Rich Meyers
Video Length: 4:39
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This is from “RAW” with Vince McMahon and guest commentator IRS. Myers looks like Shawn Michaels’ halfwit brother. Myers pounds on the arm, but Kwang just no sells and chops him down. Kwang whips Myers into the corner and gets a spinning kick that sends Kwang over the ropes to the floor. Kwang sprays red mist. Owen Hart is on the phone and talks about how he will face Bret Hart at Wrestlemania. Back in the ring it’s more ground and pound. Kwang gets a nice jumping kick to the back. Myers takes a big backdrop and Kwang does tai chi. He thrusts Myers in the throat about 57 times. He works him over in the corner. Kwang hip tosses Myers out of the corner and covers, but decides he wants to dish out more punishment. Myers catches himself on a whip and tries a twisting cross body off the second rope, but Kwang side steps him. A superkick takes it home. A little bit better than the first match, because Kwang just didn’t stand there like a lump between moves and it had a bit more flow. Still sucked though. DUD.

Kwang in the 1994 Royal Rumble
Video Length: 6:29
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This should be fun. Commentators are Vince McMahon and Ted DiBiase. Scott and Rick Steiner hang Samu up in the ropes as Kwang comes out as the number four entrant. Samu is dumped as Kwang walks to the ring. Kwang gives Rick a spray of mist to the eyes and Scott goes to work on Kwang in the corner. Scott checks on his brother and Kwang nails Scott from behind. Scott kicks Kwang on a backdrop try and knocks him on his rear. Scott checks on Rick again. Kwang attacks Scott from behind again. Scott cuts him off with an overhead belly to belly suplex. Kwang attacks Scott again as he tends to Rick.

Owen Hart is out next. He attacks Rick while Kwang works on Scott. Owen tosses Rick and goes after Scott with Kwang. Bart Gunn is next and takes on Owen while Kwang keeps on Scott Steiner. Scott gets on the offensive again and has Kwang on the ropes. They just kill time until Diesel comes out. He slugs away on everybody. He gets rid of Bart and Scott back to back. Owen’s next. Kwang gets some offense in, but Diesel hangs onto the ropes to avoid a kick and then pitches Kwang as Bob Backlund comes out. It’s just a chunk of a Rumble, so can’t rate it.

Kwang vs. Tatanka
Video Length: 9:55
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This is from “Superstars” with Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler on commentary. Worst Lawler joke ever: “The chief of Tatanka’s tribe died last week, his name was Shortcake. Squaw buried Shortcake.” Say that fast out loud and you’ll get it, but wished you hadn’t.

Kwang attacks at the bell. Tatanka runs into a sidekick coming off the ropes. Kwang poses and blows mist. Tatanka ducks a couple shots on a crisscross, but Kwang refuses to go down off of a shoulder block. Tatanka gets some momentum going with a couple chops and a dropkick. Kwang reverses a whip, but posts himself and bounces out of the corner to take a hip toss. Tatanka hits a top rope chop for two. Kwang telegraphs a backdrop and eats a neckbreaker for two. Kwang posts himself again and Tatanka schoolboys him for two. Kwang slugs back and they both go to the floor off of a roundhouse kick. Commercial break.

Kwang continues to control in the ring. He wears Tatanka down with a trapezes hold. Tatanka comes back, but Kwang cuts him off with a throat thrust. Back to the traps. Tatanka breaks, but then Kwang blocks a sunset flip. A leg drop gets two. Back to the traps. Irwin R. Schyster then appears to remind Tatanka that he’s running out of time to pay the gift tax he owes on the ceremonial headdress he was recently given. IRS starts inspecting the headdress as it hangs ringside. This puts Tatanka on the warpath. He dropkicks Kwang to the floor and then goes after IRS. Referees and officials come from the back to break them up. The match is ruled a double count out. I thought I’d never say this, but the Tatanka offensive portions weren’t too bad. The non-finish at least advances the storyline, so I can forgive that. *

Kwang with Harvey Whippleman vs. Bret Hart
Video Length: 8:46
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This is from “RAW” on April 11, 1994, with Vince McMahon and Randy Savage on commentary. Hart is the World Champion and it’s hilarious hearing McMahon and Savage trying to put Kwang over as having a chance to win here.

Kwang attacks Hart as he enters the ring from giving his shades to a fan. Savage and McMahon have no idea what to call the kicks Kwang is using. They debate on if one is a “savat-style crescent kick” or an “over the shoulder roundhouse kick.” Kwang blows the green mist. Hart comes back after Kwang posts himself on a charge. Hart works on the arm. He gets a roll up from behind for two then goes back to the arm. Kwang powers up and sends Hart into the ropes. Kwang sidesteps him and throws Bret to the floor. Hart hurt his right wrist on the fall. Kwang comes off the apron with a clubbing blow. He pins Bret up against the post, but he moves and Kwang kicks the post.

We comeback from commercial with Kwang hitting a flipping roundhouse kick on Hart in the corner so hard it sends Kwang over the ropes to the floor. Kwang returns to the ring to cover for two. Kwangs works a trapezes hold. Owen Hart joins the commentary by phone. Kwang sends Hart into the ropes and he hits a cross body for two. Kwang chokes Bret out on the ropes. He goes back to the traps. Owen hypes a rematch with his brother on the Wrestlemania Revenge tour. Bret gets a clothesline for two. A small package gets two. It’s five moves of doom time. Backbreaker, second rope elbow, Russian leg sweep, Sharpshooter for the win. Hart couldn’t even be bothered to work a fifth move in there on the finish. A bit pedestrian and formula, but ok as a match to just get Bret over. ½*

Kwang vs. The Undertaker
Video Length: 5:37
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This is from “RAW” with McMahon and Savage on commentary. This is from after the 1994 SummerSlam. Kwang tries to attack at the bell, but Undertaker blocks him and just clubbers him around the ring. Kwang chops ‘Taker in the back on a backdrop try, but that just annoys him. UT hits a throat thrust and a body slam. Kwang avoids an elbow drop, but UT does the zombie sit up. Kwang kicks UT to the floor. Kwang meets Undertaker on the apron with headbutts. He sprays red mist. It’s Undertaker, you have to step your game up. Kwang bends UT backwards over the ropes, but ‘Taker drops to the floor to jam Kwang’s throat on the top rope. Back in the ring, he gets the old school rope walk. Kwang chokes UT out on the ropes. The Undertaker misses a high knee off the ropes and splats to the canvas. Kwang baseballs slides UT to the floor.

We come back from break with Kwang pounding on ‘Taker in the ring. UT comes back with thrusts, but runs into a thrust kick in the corner. Kwang clotheslines the Deadman to the floor, but he lands on his feet. Kwang misses this and runs right into a big right hand. Kwang uses the mist to blind UT, it’s green this time. UT must have caught some mist in the mouth and spits it back at Kwang. That is badass super crazy. Choke slam, rest in peace. Good thing Undertaker isn’t a used car salesman or he would get fired for not selling anything. Ok for your basic UT squash. He let Kwang get some offense in, but didn’t really sell anything or put him over. ¼*

Kwang and Hakushi vs. the Smoking Gunns
Video Length: 6:57
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This is from “Superstars” in April 1995 with Vince McMahon and Dok Hendrix (Michael Hayes) on commentary. The Gunns are coming off of dropping the tag belts to Owen Hart and Yokozuna at Wrestlemania.

The heels attack before the bell. Billy gets tossed to the floor. Bart ducks under a double team clothesline and then slingshots Billy in from the apron for a flying clothesline to the heels. Pretty cool. It earns the Vince “what a maneuver” seal of approval. Double dropkick by the Gunns. Hakushi goes to the floor and Billy works on Kwang’s arm. Bart comes in from the top with a flying straddle to Kwang’s arm. Billy back in to leapfrog a backdrop attempt and hit a dropkick. A body slam gets two. Bart returns to work on the arm. Tag to Billy for a leg drop to the arm and he covers for two. Tag back to Bart. Tag to Billy. Bart holds Kwang up for Billy to clothesline. He covers, but Hakushi steps into the ring and just glares. Kwang kicks Bart on a backdrop and shoots mist. It’s red again. He tags Hakushi. He beats down Bart. Hakushi uses a body slam to set up a mule kick splash in the corner.

Back from break, Hakushi has Bart in a headlock. Tag to Kwang. Hendrix refers to the heels as the Shoguns. Not to be confused with the short-lived team of Show-Gunn. Kwang gets the Bossman straddle. Hakushi in. The two collide on a double body press try. Tags all around. Billy takes out both guys. Billy ducks a crescent kick and hits a body press for a cover. Hakushi breaks it up. Hakushi holds Billy for a roundhouse kick, but he moves and Kwang blasts his own partner. Kwang is shocked and Billy schoolboys him for the win. * The Gunns were high octane back in the day and worked together as a team well. Them controlling a large portion of the match and the hot start makes this a decent TV match for the period.

The 411: What can I say about Kwang that hasn’t already been said about Uwe Boll movies? It’s horrifying, but not in a good way. Kwang was nothing but a set of kicks in a cheap costume. He’s like the love child of Glacier and Ernest Miller. Later on, Savio Vega would show some charisma and savvy as a ring technician, but it doesn’t come across here due to the constricting character. While some of the opponents makes a few of the above matches tolerable, the squashes show that Kwang was just another huge misfire in a period where WWE had a lot of them.

Final Score:  3.0   [ Bad ]