411’s WWE Smackdown Report 12.12.08

Welcome to 411’s Smackdown Report! I’m Steve Cook, and for one last week I’m doing the recapping thing for you fine folks. Next week brings a brand new permanent Smackdown recapper, and although Csonka won’t tell me who it is, I have an idea of who it might be. Just keep in mind…it wasn’t my fault.

Before we start, my friend Kenny “Starmaker” Bolin has something he wants to share with you 411 readers…

“Hello everybody! As some of you may know, I was quite critical of Brock Lesnar a few weeks ago on my # 1 Rated Radio segment on “Who’s Slamming Who” a few weeks ago. I may also have mentioned that i had got the better of Brock Lesnar a few times in his days at OVW and a few other stories he may not have wanted me to tell. Well… to my surprise and by special arrangements made by OVW owner Danny Davis, Brock Lesnar is returning to the Davis Arena for a one night special appearance and meet and greet Jan 7th. Doors open at A SPECIAL 3pm start time for the meet and greet.

Go to www.OVWrestling.com for special advance ticket prices cause tickets will be higher at the door the day of the event. Tickets will go very fast and we are expecting an all time record breaking crowd due to his limited appearances in this area.

I will also add that i can assure you i will have a HUGE surprise for Brock Lesnar if he even thinks of looking my way in a negative fashion.

We hope to see ya there for this once in a lifetime night at Davis arena @ 4400 Shepherdsville Rd. Louisville Ky.

You will NOT want to miss this!!!”

There you go, a big event for you folks in the Kentuckiana area! I know there’s some of you out there so go meet Brock and say hi to Kenny for me before Brock kills him.

On with the Report!

We start off Smackdown with a bang, as Jeff Hardy attacks Triple H during his entrance! It’s a complete scrum with fists a flyin and all that good stuff. General Manager Vickie Guerrero sends her nephew Chavo down to break it up, but H decks him and the fight continues until the referee corps comes down and separates the men momentarily. Dean Malenko sighting! Vickie gets a little too close to the action and H accidentally pushes Charles Robinson right into her. Was Chavo laughing? Vickie yells at them some and they continue to fight until finally they send H to the back.

Moments ago…that happened. JR & Tazz are your hosts.

Match 1: Black on Black Crime
MVP vs. R-Truth

MVP doesn’t get a televised entrance this week, while we have to sit through Killings’ lame rap. Who booked this crap? MVP with an early advantage, but that doesn’t last long as Truth catches him with a flipping hip toss. Soon after that MVP gets an overhead German suplex, hard drop toe hold and a series of elbow drops and a knee to the spine get about a one count. MVP hits a reverse chinlock about a minute into the match. Truth fights out but MVP throws him down by the hair for another one count. MVP works over Truth’s back with a punch to the back and a back suplex. This one gets a two count, so he’s making some progress. CAMEL CLUTCH~! MAKE HIM HUMBLE~! JR references songs even I don’t know. Truth fights out, MVP slams him for a two count. All of a sudden, Truth reverses into a rollup and gets a three count.

Winner: R-Truth

Well, that was a whole lot of nothing. MVP gets on the mike after the match and berates the fans for enjoying his misery. He was the longest reigning US Champion in SmackDown history? Who knew? He still has his pride and more money than any of us. He’s better than you. Mr. Kennedy interrupts him and says he’s disappointed in him. It’s the greatest time of the year, MVP should be filled with holiday cheer. He needs to smile. Ha, MVP’s microphone doesn’t work. Kennedy plugs his movie and hits his catchphrase.

SmackDown is in Bridgeport, CT tonight. Or was Tuesday. We get a 2008 Slammy Award recap. Yay.

Some FCW guy does a bad Christopher Daniels promo…after that, The Brian Kendrick introduces himself to the Bella Twins. His attempt at getting some jella from the Bellas is interrupted by the Colons, and we get a staredown with those three and Ezekiel Jackson. Carlito is unimpressed with Kendrick’s pickup line.

We get a recap of Miz & John Morrison winning the Best Tag Team Slammy. Yes they did.

Match 2: Battle for the Bellas
WWE Tag Team Champion Primo (w/Carlito) vs. The Brian Kendrick (w/Ezekiel Jackson)

Man, the tag champs don’t get any entrance love either. Whasupwitdat? Slow start here, they trade arm drags, Primo trips Kendrick and mocks his dancing. That’s not nice. Kendrick tries an armbar, but Primo responds with a hip toss, arm drag and a dropkick. Kendrick slaps Primo and opts to hide behind Jackson. Back in the ring, some left hands by Primo, Kendrick gains the advantage with a leg lariat. Dropkick sends Primo out to the floor at the feet of Jackson, but Carlito makes sure no funny business goes on. Kendrick gets Primo in a seated cobra clutch back in the ring, which has to have some kind of name. Something to do with pot…how bout the Puff Puff Pass? I dunno, I’ll let my replacement figure it out. Primo fights back until Kendrick throws him throat first onto the middle rope and chokes away. He goes back to the Puff Puff Pass, lets him out and misses a flying knee in the corner. Floatover vertical suplex by Primo gets two, but Kendrick regains the advantage with a kick and some choking. Primo with a series of kicks and a clothesline, elbowblock, cartwheel into a dropkick! Springboard crossbody gets a two count. Big monkey flip by Primo. He sends Kendrick’s head into the turnbuckle, goes up top, but gets distracted by Jackson throwing Carlito into the steps! And in a finish straight out of Puerto Rico, Kendrick kicks the rope while Primo’s getting back into the ring and rolls him up for a three count!

Winner: The Brian Kendrick

Kendrick does some dancing and we go back to earlier tonight.

DX pimps their ugly merchandise. A Triple H bear! A Shawn Michaels bear! Triple H points out that the bear has more hair up top than Shawn does…that’s a low blow right there.

Match 3: Battle of the Carolinas
Hurricane Helms vs. United States Champion Shelton Benjamin

Ouch, only his second match back and no entrance for Helms! Quick start here, Shelton with a fireman’s carry and forces Helms into the corner. But Helms fights back and hits a Blockbuster. Helms up top, he flies right into a dropkick by Shelton. Shelton kicks Helms off the apron onto the floor and brings him back inside for a two count. Rear chinlock by Shelton about a minute and a half into the match, working over the neck of Helms. Swinging neckbreaker by Shelton gets two. Shelton works over Helms some more and applies a cross armbreaker. Helms kicks his way out of it, reverse elbow and clothesline by Helms, followed by a reverse Unprettier. Misses the shining wizard, Shelton hits an inverted backbreaker for two. Sunset flip by Helms gets two, then a low dropkick. Helms up top…Shelton jumps up top but can’t stay up there! A crossbody by Helms finishes it!

Winner: Hurricane Helms

Well, any injustice done by the lack of entrance has been rectified. Tazz interviews Helms in the ring….Helms feels it’s time for a new U.S. Champion…he’s just sayin’. Am I the only one who thinks his new catchphrase makes no sense?

Cutting Edge with Matt Hardy

Edge states that his two opponents at Armageddon are ready to tear each others’ heads off. He tells the story about how Triple H attacked Jeff Hardy the morning of Survivor Series, which obviously happened. People are unfairly pointing their fingers at Edge, including Matt Hardy, who now comes out for an interview. Ha, JR says Matt & Edge have shared a lot of things together! I don’t know what that means. Matt says that Triple H didn’t take his brother out, Edge did. Edge claims he didn’t do it, he just stepped up to the plate to help out his wife. Matt knows what Edge is capable of, he’ll do anything to get ahead. Edge is the scummiest person on the face of this planet! Edge says a lot of people in the company want Jeff Hardy out of the business. He tells Matt to look at the big picture. Maybe it was Randy Orton! Or Miz & Morrison! Or maybe the Undertaker! And of course, Triple H. They disagree over who the facts point towards. Matt came out here to get the truth. Edge gives Matt the truth…nobody cares about him! People actually care about Jeff Hardy, and nobody gives a damn about Matt. Matt responds by going all Joey Styles on Edge’s ass, suckerpunching him. But here comes Vladimir Kozlov! Edge hits a distracted Matt from behind. Big boot from Kozlov! Headbutts! Chokeslam and some yelling from Kozlov. Play Kozlov’s music, as Matt is left laying. Does Kozlov have the pink eye?

We get a recap of Great Khali’s Kiss Cam winning the “Damn” Moment of the Year. Good times.

Match 4: Handicap Match
The Slammy Award Winning Great Khali (w/Ranjin Singh) vs. Curt Hawkins & Zach Ryder

From tag team champions to being squashed by Great Khali…how the mighty have fallen. Khali throws one of them over the top rope and works over the other. The fact that I can’t tell them apart might tell you why they’re now getting squashed by the Great Khali. He Punjabi Plunges one on top of the other and gets the three count.

Winner: The Slammy Award Winning Great Khali

Well, that was that. I, for one, enjoy happy go lucky Great Khali.

Match 5: Diva Tag Team Match
The Bella Twins vs. Maryse & Natalya

Is it just me or does one of the Bellas have only one dance move? Then again, I’ve known some girls that didn’t even have one dance move. They’re wearing pink tonight if you’re scoring at home (or even if you’re alone), Maryse thinks she’s Wonder Woman and I’m not sure what Natalya’s wearing. Anyway, Nikki & Maryse start things off. Maryse reverses a go-behind and slaps Nikki! Lou Thesz press by Nikki (oh, poor Lou’s rolling over in his grave, he hated women’s wrestling), and after some punching Maryse opts to tag in Natalya. Arm drag into a headlock by Nikki, who tags in Brie. Sunset flip by Brie ends up in the ropes. Flying mare by Brie, but Natalya reverses an attempted monkey flip into a backdrop. Brie knocks Maryse off the apron, but Natalya hits a spinning clothesline! Maryse tags in and hits a spinning backbreaker while Tazz calls Matt Striker & Todd Grisham divas. Zing! Camel clutch by Maryse, who’s legs get a lot wider than Iron Sheik’s ever did. Maryse hits the Stroke (kinda) and Brie is in trouble. Another wide-legged camel clutch, Brie kicks Maryse back into the corner, Natalya tags in and misses an elbowdrop so Brie can tag in Nikki! Two dropkicks and a flying move of some sort by Nikki, a lucha style arm drag gets a nearfall, but Natalya drives Nikki into the corner. Nikki with an elbow, knocks Maryse off the apron, a crossbody gets caught by Natalya but Brie dropkicks them over and Nikki gets the pinfall!

Winners: The Bella Twins

OK, there are two things I’ll miss about recapping SmackDown. Backstage, Eve (w/two more things I’ll miss about recapping Smackdown) asks Vlaidimir Kozlov about Armageddon, and for some reason Kozlov reminisces about his favorite memories of Boris Yeltsin’s presidency. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…there’s no place for political discussion in wrestling.

JR & Tazz pimp Armageddon. Go read the Roundtable whenever they put it up.

Match 6: Main Event
Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy

I was afraid they would take a commercial break before the water spitting, but fortunately we get to see it. Huzzah! It’s a slugfest as we start, with Jeff having an early advantage and taking it right to H. He tosses H outside and punches and kicks away. Back into the ring they go, H gains the advantage there, sending Jeff into the turnbuckle and kicking Jeff outside. He tosses Jeff back in, but Jeff does a running baseball slide into Triple H, knocking him into the barrier. A running crossbody takes both men out! Jeff reverses a whip and sends H into the stairs! Hardy uses the stairs as a launching pad and throws himself into Triple H! He doesn’t care, does he? They’re back in the ring now, where Jeff runs right into a Triple H clothesline. Both men are down as we go to commercial…

When we return, Triple H has gained the advantage, whipping Hardy hard into the turnbuckles. Another hard Irish whip by H gets a two count, and he probably has the best Irish whip in the business from where I sit. Hardy clotheslines H over the top rope and crossbodies him yet again! He misses a splash in the corner and H gets a two count out of it. H mounts Jeff & punches away. Nice delayed vertical suplex by Triple H, who tells Hardy to suck it and drops the knee! Two count. Rear chinlock! Hardy eventually fights out, but gets hit with a chincrusher by Triple H. It only gets two. H punches Hardy down and tosses him outside. Hardy goes headfirst into the announce table twice and gets thrown back in. Off the ropes, flying clothesline by Hardy! Both men slow to get up…Hardy hits H with a series of clotheslines. Two count! Wishbone legdrop by Hardy followed by a basement dropkick. Twooooooooooo. Reverse enziguri by Hardy, spinebuster by Triple H! Two count. Hardy slips out of a slam, H slips out of the Twist of Fate, no Pedigree but Hardy hits a Whisper in the Wind for two. H gets kicked when he comes down off the second rope, facebuster suplex by Hardy! Squeaaaaaaaaaaaaaal. H keeps Hardy from going up top, Hardy on the apron, H gets the double underhook and pulls him back in, but Hardy backdrops him! Swanton Bomb gets nothing but mat! Here comes Edge! Spear to Triple H! Ring the bell!

Winner: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I dunno

Spear to Hardy! Edge walks away and holds the belt high as we fade to black…

This is the part where somebody asks me if they should watch the show or not. It wasn’t a bad show, but you’re not missing anything too fantastic if you don’t catch it. H vs. Hardy was decent, but they’ve had better. Thanks to all of you for reading, and I’ll see you around…