100 Percent Fordified: CHIKARA Watchmaker

Orlando, FL – 3.9.2013

Championship Rundown
Grand Champion: Eddie Kingston
Campeones de Parejas: 3.0 (Scott “Jagged” Parker & Shane Matthews)
Young Lions Cup Champion: “Mr. Touchdown” Mark Angelosetti

Commentary is provided by Bryce Remsburg, Steve “The Turtle” Weiner, Gavin Loudspeaker, Scott “Jagged” Parker, Leonard F. Chikarason, and Dasher Hatfield.

Just like last night, Gavin Loudspeaker sings to open the show. The song is something he wrote for a non-existant “CHIKARA World” theme park which is a medley of re-worker Disney and theme park songs. It’s probably the most clever song he’s done and possibly my favorite.

Oliver Grimsley introduces himself as the King of the Midway. He says fun and games are what Midway’s are known for, but the carny always wins. He says just like the balloon he’s holding, all of his competition is going to pop.

QWEST Wrestling Showcase
Oliver Grimsly vs. Eddie Graves

Both men are trainees of the Dudley Boyz. Grimsly applies a headlock to end a wristlock exchange. Graves finds it funny that Grimsly would try some shoulder blocks. Grimsly ends up going to the floor for some admiration after stomping on Graves’ foot. In the ring he rolls Graves’ legs out after an armdrag. He catches Graves in the ropes to block a baseball slide and gives him a tiger feint kick for two. He gets two with a Magistral Cradle. He twists up Graves’ nipples, so Graves knees him in the stomach. Graves misses a corner splash allowing Grimsly to give him a series of clothesline and a dropkick to the mid-section for two. Graves messes up a gutbuster, but is able to pull it off the second time. Graves drops him onto his rear before delivering a knee strike to the face. Grimsly comes out of the corner with a boot to the face. Grimsly delivers a couple dropkicks before dropping Graves with a quesadora bulldog. Graves kicks out. Grimsly gives him a couple DDT’s for another two count. Graves spins him out into a Complete Shot. Grimsly recovers in the corner. Graves blocks his offense with an Emerald Frosion for two. Grimsly enzuigiri’s him from the apron and gives him a knee strike to the back of his neck. He hits the Bed of Nails (an arm capture back cracker) for the pin at 10:29. This was not without fault, but certainly not the disaster many of these Showcase matches tend to be. They both had characters that would fit into the CHIKARA culture, especially Grimsly. I wouldn’t mind either of them coming back. **½

Soldier Ant & The Colony: Xtreme Force (Arctic Rescue Ant, Missile Assault Ant & Orbit Adventure Ant) vs. The Batiri (Ophidian, Obariyon, Kodama & Kobald)

Obariyon jumps Soldier Ant from behind. Soldier Ant takes back control with a bodyslam and a dragon screw leg whip. Kodama boots him to stop a submission. Soldier Ant fights his way out of the Batiri corner and gives Kobald a delayed vertical suplex. Missile avoids Kobald’s spear and double punches him in the stomach. His showboating causes him to get speared. He’s able to back Ophidian to the corner and tags in Orbit. He moves around as if he were on the moon. Ophidian calls him an idiot and beats him to the mat. Orbit carries him around whilst walking slowly, then puts him down. Ophidian swiftly kicks him in the side of the head. Arctic and Kodama tag in. Arctic pretends as if he were snowboarding. He drop toe holds Kodama into the Mogul Mash. Kodama brings him to the corner. Arctic counters Ophidian’s suplex and brings in Soldier Ant. The Xtreme Force pal around on the floor, paying little attention to what’s going on. This leaves Soldier Ant to fend for himself against all of the Batiri, which he does a remarkably good job of despite his partners’ ignorance. Soldier Ant barks orders for Orbit to get into the ring. Obariyon immediately jumps him and claws at his face. Orbit slams Obariyon. Kodama pulls a Killer Bees switch, catching Orbit and tossing him off the top rope. Soldier Ant comes back in. The Batiri beat him down while once again the Xtreme Force are too focused on appealing to the crowd and themselves. Soldier Ant fights off Ophidian and suicide dives onto Kobald and Obariyon. Arctic legdrops Ophidian. The other Batiri members break the pin. Kobald gives him a spear. The Seventh Circle gets two thanks to Missile breaking the pin. He slingshots Kodama into a forearm from Orbit. Arctic and Orbit slingshot onto Kodama who is on Missile’s legs. The Xtreme Force fight with the Batiri out of the building, leaving Soldier Ant with Ophidian in the ring. Ophidian puts on the Cobra Clutch Death Grip to submit Soldier Ant at 20:48. Something about this matched bothered me. I thought the Xtreme Force worked a lot better last night than they did here. They were barely in the ring at all and the action with Soldier Ant and The Batiri wasn’t good enough to be forgiving. In their debut I felt they were a lot more fun and here they were too relentless with their shtick and wore the crowd out. Soldier Ant basically carried the weight for four people which is not what I am interested in seeing from these guys. **¾

Amasis runs out to the ring now that Ophidian is all alone. He catches him with That Move I Beat Moses With. Ophidian tries to give him the red mist but Amasis ducks it. He then chases Ophidian to the back.

Hallowicked vs. Jakob Hammermeier

Hammermeier suicide dives onto Hallowicked as he makes his way down the aisle. He slams him into the apron a few times before bringing him into the ring. Hallowicked slides through his legs and snaps off some armdrag. Hammermeier escapes an early Go 2 Sleepy Hollow attempt. He also blocks a step-up enzuigri with an atomic drop and a clothesline. Hammermeier throws some headbutts in the corner. From the apron Hallowicked kicks him in the chest. He slingshots into a schoolboy for two. Hammermeier blocks the Go 2 Sleepy Hollow again. He drops Hallowicked with a fisherman’s neckbreaker. He gets two with an STO. Hallowicked ducks some clotheslines. He misses Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. Hammermeier rocks him with a haymaker which hurts his hand as well. He yells at Hallowicked that Donst’s transformation is all his fault. He throws forearms at him while yelling “Give him back!” That devolves into weeping and the crowd chanting “this is awkward.” It sure is. Hallowicked is able to catch Hammermeier with an inside cradle for two. Hallowicked gives him a step-up enzuigiri and a super snapmare. He lands a Swanton Bomb. He finally hits the Go 2 Sleepy Hollow and puts Hammermeier down with a yakuza kick at 6:25. The wrestling only really got good in the very end, though the storyline bit was interesting. I’m worried that matches are being thrown away for the sake of storylines rather than being incorporated into good matches. **¼

“Mr. Touchdown” Mark Angelosetti wants all of us “nerds” to remember that he defeated The Colony in his debut match. At that time people thought it was a fluke, but he proved that it was not when he defeated Green Ant back at “Deep Freeze.” He says when he steps into the ring with assailANT tonight he is going to punt him out of the ring because he can.

assailANT vs. “Mr. Touchdown” Mark Angelosetti

Angelosetti is still selling his jaw from Hammermeier’s punch from last night. What a pro. He also stops to pop a girls balloon, making him more awesome. assailANT gets the better of the opening exchange, taking down Angelosetti with a few different armdrags. He knocks him down with a pair of back elbows. He suplexes Angelosetti into a uranage for two. He trips assailANT on the apron. He slingshots in through the bottom rope with a splash. Angelosetti drops a knee across his face for two. He tackles assailANT across the ring. Angelosetti lands a few splashes before striking the Tebow. He throws some chops. He arrogantly takes off his glove. assailANT puts it on and throws his own chops. Angelosetti suplexes him into the corner for two. assailANT shoves him off the top rope. He misses a super legdrop. Angelosetti gets two with a powerslam. He and assailANT knock each other down with stereo clotheslines. Angelosetti gives him some shoulder blocks in the corner. assailANT blocks the third one with a uranage for two. He calls for CHIKARA Special: Blue. Angelosetti escapes and gives him a spinebuster out of the corner. He goes for the Flea Flicker. assailANT blocks and drops him out of an Electric Chair position. He catches Angelosetti with the GTS! He puts him in the CHIKARA Special: Blue. Angelosetti taps out at 11:21! Definitely a big singles win for assailANT, which I think is well deserved. Definitely the quality match you would expect from these two. assailANT tells the camera that he is going after the Young Lions Cup, but we would find out in a blog shortly after this that he is above the age limit. Instead, he will receive a shot at Angelosetti’s Banana Championship in “Wrestling is Fun!” ***

Jigsaw feels sorry for Mike Quackenbush. He keeps pulling names out of the proverbial phone book to try to make him feel bad, but he doesn’t. He says he has the best partner and that they are going to keep collecting points.

Mike Quackenbush &; Fire Ant vs. Jigsaw & The Shard

Fire Ant tope con hilo’s right onto Jigsaw before the bell. Quackenbush gives Shard the Quackendriver III for two. Fire Ant comes off the top with a senton. Jigsaw breaks the pin, then gets double teamed by his opponents. Quackenbush comes off the second rope with a cannonball to Jigsaw. Shard kicks him out and gives Fire Ant a backbreaker. As you would suspect, he and Jigsaw focus their attack on Fire Ant’s hurt leg. Before he can be isolated for good, he rolls to the floor. Quackenbush jumps in but gets shoulder tackled right to the floor. Jigsaw and Shard go back to work on Fire Ant. That actually happens twice with Quackenbush finding the opening to jump in, but Jigsaw and Shard having the wherewithal to send him out and bring Fire Ant back in. Fire Ant eventually makes a legitimate tag. Quackenbush knocks Jigsaw down with a back elbow. He kicks Shard from the apron before giving Jigsaw a tornado DDT. Fire Ant dives onto Jigsaw on the floor while Quackenbush clotheslines Shard in the Corner. Quackenbush then dives onto Jigsaw. Fire Ant slingshot DDT’s Shard on the apron. Quackenbush moonsaults onto everyone. He confronts Jigsaw back in the ring. Jigsaw throws him to the floor. Fire Ant crossbody’s Jigsaw and Burns Down the House. Quackenbush puts Shard in the CHIKARA Special. Jigsaw stops him, but then gets rolled into the CHIKARA Special himself. Shard shoves Fire Ant into them to break it up. Shard waterwheel slams him into the corner before dropping him with the Gory Special. Quackenbush breaks the pin. Superkicks take out Jigsaw and Fire Ant. Quackenbush palm strikes Shard inside out, leaving all four men laying. Jigsaw whips Quackenbush to the corner. Quackenbush gives him a chop and goes for the Jig N’ Tonic! Shard kicks him, resulting in Jigsaw hitting a Yoshi Tonic. Fire Ant Yahtzee kicks Shard. He has three with the Beach Break, but pulls Shard off the mat before the three count! He goes for a super Beach Break. Jigsaw kicks out his bad leg. Shard comes off the top with a double stomp to that leg and puts him in an ankle lock. Jigsaw stomps Quackenbush so he can’t break the hold. Fire Ant taps at 14:54. Remember how I said they need to do a better job integrating stories into good matches? THIS is how you do it. I am continued to be amazed by just how well Jigsaw and The Shard work together. With all the CHIKARAbrmetrics whatnot, they could be called the best tag team currently on the roster. Really good action and a great way to build Quackenbush and Jigsaw’s feud. ***½

Archibald Peck vs. Tim Donst

This is a rematch from “While the Dawn is Breaking” where Donst got disqualified by fouling Peck. Jakob Hammermeier and Veronica Ticklefeather are in Donst’s corner. Steve “The Turtle”, who was smitten with Veronica last night, is back on commentary. Donst tries to attack Peck before the bell. Peck side steps it and clotheslines Donst from the apron. Peck slams Donst’s face into the ring steps. They fight in the bleachers where Donst lands a belly-to-back suplex! Peck is able to give him a back suplex on the floor ringside. Donst trips him so that his back lands on the apron. He then brings him to the floor in a backbreaker. The match officially starts now that they’re in the ring. Donst goes for a pin right away but only gets two. Donst continues to assault Peck’s back. He rubs his forearm in Peck’s face and chokes him with his wrist tape. Peck manages to sneak in a big boot. He drop toe holds Donst in the corner and drives his elbow into the back of his neck. He snapmares Donst across the ring before hitting the Snow Plow for two. The fans call for his New Move. Donst instead clotheslines him to the floor. He tries a suicide dive but ends up landing onto Hammermeier instead. Back in the ring Peck blocks Donst’s low blow. Donst however slams Peck face first into the mat for two. Peck comes back with his new move (a DDT) for two. Peck misses the Cranial Crescendo. Hammermeier grabs Veronica’s baton that she tries to give Donst. Veronica gets in the ring to check on Donst. Peck comes off the second rope with a forearm but Veronica gets pulled in the way! Turtle runs out to check on Veronica. When he notices that she is hurt, Turtle attacks Peck! That results in a disqualification at 9:13. Turtle being apart of this misfit group is an interesting twist. This match and finish were a lot better than their first encounter, but there’s definitely still some unfinished business. I’m still not sold on what Donst is doing these days, but it looks like we’re moving towards something **¾

Turtle carries Veronica to the back. Donst is encouraging Turtle for his behavior, saying she will love Turtle for doing that.

3.0 (Scott “Jagged” Parker & Shane Matthews), Gran Akuma, Green Ant & Dasher Hatfield vs. F.I.S.T. (Icarus, Johnny Gargano & Sugar Dunkerton) & The Devastation Corporation (Max Smashmaster & Blaster McMassive)

Green Ant is replacing Saturyne. He was supposed to face Eddie Kingston for the Grand Championship but that match has been canceled. Sidney Bakabella is in the Rudo corner. Dunkerton warms up for some karate. Akuma kicks his legs when he charges. Bakabella tries sneaking some thumb tacks into the ring but Dunkerton stops him. Matthews armdrags Gargano and clotheslines him to the floor. Jagged twists up Icarus’ arm something fierce. He goes out of his way to keep Icarus’ jacket on. Icarus rakes his eyes and finally takes it off. Jagged punches Icarus with the jacket. Dunkerton, Green Ant, Matthews, and Gargano join in the fracas. F.I.S.T. all get whipped into each other. Their legs get twisted up in a rowboat spot. The Corporation saves their partners. Akuma and Hatfield try helping out, but it ends up with Hatfield being splashed and double hip tossed. Hatfield gets mauled by the Rudo quintet. Dunkerton is tagged in, but tags Icarus in instead of helping his teammates out. Green Ant gets tagged in after Hatfield dives around Smashmaster. Green Ant takes out his legs. He throws Icarus to the corner and powerslams Gargano. 3.0 and Green Ant hit Gargano with the Ants Marching dropkick. Smashmaster backdrops Jagged onto Matthews. This of course leads to Jagged being beaten down by the Rudos. Jagged escapes Gargano’s grasp and tags in Matthews. Back elbows and headscissors for Icarus and Gargano. It doesn’t go so well with Smashmaster, so Jagged helps Matthews clothesline him to the floor. All of the Tecnicos help take Smashmaster off of his feet outside the ring. F.I.S.T. are poised to dive. Icarus lands a suicide dive while Gargano trips Dunkerton. That ends up costing them, as Gargano misses a pescado. Bakabella dives onto the Tecnicos. He gets caught and shoved down. McMassive dives onto everyone! In the ring, Icarus and Gargano give Green Ant F.I.S.T. kicks. Dunkerton helps Icarus with a Shiranui and Dunkerton elbow drops him. Hatfield sets up Dunkerton for the Suicide Squeeze. Icarus saves Dunkerton with a spear! He goes for a Shiranui on Akuma but gets caught with a Tenchi Crash instead. Gargano gives him a slingshot spear for two. Matthews drop toe holds Gargano. All of his partners drop elbows across Gargano’s neck. The Corporation suplex 3.0, Hatfield, and Green Ant all at once! Akuma throws kicks at the both of them. He baits Smashmaster into splashing McMassive in the corner. The Tecnicos all get shots in on them, ending with Hatfield running the bases into a baseball slide. Gargano superkicks him for two. 3.0 end up superplexing Icarus off of Gargano’s back. Akuma follows with a frog splash and Dunkerton makes the save. Gargano lawn darts Akuma. Green Ant gives him a dropkick but gets speared by Icarus. Matthews powerbombs him and goes for the Boston Crab. McMassive kicks him to stop it. Hatfield headscissors McMassive to the floor. Smashmaster suplexes Hatfield. He misses a moonsault. It takes offense from all the Tecnicos, but Smashmaster eventually is taken off his feet. Some miscommunication leads to Dunkerton accidentally hitting Gargano in the face! Dunkerton apologizes but gets superkicked. Green Ant puts Gargano in a Cloverleaf causing him to tap at 24:30. Chaotic in the most fun way possible. Everybody got to shine a little bit and do something a little different. CHIKARA really can’t go wrong in these types of matches. Gargano blames Dunkerton for the loss. ***½

The 411: I do not feel like this show carried the momentum from the night before very well at all. I guess when your Grand Championship match gets canceled you expect a slight drop off, but a lot of things did not seem to click. The significantly smaller crowd did not seem to be into certain storylines, the Colony: Xtreme Force burned them out as opposed to lifting their spirits, people seem confused or disinterested by Hammermeier and Turtle's actions, and nothing was significant enough to turn the crowd around. I unfortunately can't give this as strong a recommendation as the night before, though the main event and the tag match are quality. You can purchase the show on DVD, mp4, or steam it On Demand over at Smart Mark Video. Be sure to check out all of my CHIKARA reviews at my CHIKARA blog; "The CHIKARA Special" and all the CHIKARA news over at "The CHIKARA Special" Tumblr. In addition to that, you can check out a lot of promos from CHIKARA DVDs over at the CHIKARA Special YouTube Page.

Final Score:  6.0   [ Average ]