411 WWE SmackDown Report – 02.12.04

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Tell you what, between all the controversy, intrigue, drama and outrage, it’s been one hell of a week here. A good thing goes to pot because some yokel thinks fooling an IWC writer is still funny in this day and age, another fool with an inferiority complex speaks up for everyone else (unsolicited), and the shit hits the fan all over the site. Personally I couldn’t ask for better entertainment, especially since two good sources of it for me, The Cat and Kanyon, are gone. Since nobody’s callin’ my mama and everyone else is betta, I’ll just sit back with some popcorn and Coke (the beverage, dummy) and enjoy this one. Wonder if there’s ever been a tailgate party for an IWC showdown before…?

And speaking of entertainment, there’s plenty of other good reading to be had elsewhere on the site, and therefore plenty of pimping to be done…

First, as always, is the Rick Martel to my Tito Santana, Stephen Randle and the News Experience. You notice it’s strictly a tag team deal, although Gagnon’s handling the TNA gig well enough so far.

Robert Ortega Jr continues to bring the excellent analysis with the Raw and SmackDown Lines.

Nute takes us to Oz by way of Japan…

Evocator graces us this week with smaller T.I.T.S. than usual…

…and his tag-team partner, Mathan Erhardt, pulls double duty again in Music and Black.

The six-man tag-team champions of Black – Ken Anderson, Chris Biscuiti, and Eric S cover everything you need to know in fine fashion.
Matt Biscuiti makes a rare foray into the wrestling zone with a dream match that doesn’t sound too bad at all.

And as it turns out, this will become a regular gig starting Monday, making that two zones I’ll be plaguing regularly. I can hear the moans, groans, and bitching now…

Ah well. Turn those frowns upside down – it’s time for some Rasslin’!

SmackDown – 021204

Time for the customary gambler’s report:
Cash 3: 455
Play 4: 9121

Show opens with a video recap of…Raw. Huh. Paul Heyman shows up to tell Goldberg he won’t ruin the main event of No Way Out. Goldberg simply Tells Paul that Brock Lesnar is next.

Opening credits and lots of pyro bring us to Tacoma, WA. TONIGHT: Kurt Angle and Eddie Gurrero face Brock Lesnar and The Big Show! But first:

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio (with Jorge Paez) vs. Tajiri
Apparently Paez will be at No Way out. Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start and Rey gets an arm-wringer. Corner-whip-and-charge by Tajiri misses and Rey with the headscissors takeover off the top rope before coming off the ropes with the modified bulldog that will no doubt be named any day now. The Chavos arrive to distract Rey and Tajiri kicks Rey in the kidneys before sending him of the ropes and hitting the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. More kicks for Tajiri before Rey comes off the ropes and almost slides under Tajiri but Tajiri stops that with shots to the head before locking Rey in the Camel Clutch. Rey escapes and gets the dropkick to the face for 2. Drop toehold by Rey and a legdrop gets another 2. Rey is sent to the apron but the springboard misses and Rey takes a kick to the ribs. Rey retaliates and gets Tajiri in the 619 and the springboard senton proper for 3. Post-match, Chavo Jr. jumps Rey and Paez is in to run him off, but Sr. is in to get him some of Paez. Jorge dances (?) and drops Sr. cold with a left hook. Why is it that one punch always drops a wrestler? Jr. is incredulous as Rey and Paez celebrate.

Cole and Tazz both bemoan Paul’s treatment (read: Spear) on Raw.

In The Back, Paul is still sore from Monday and Brock can’t believe what happened. Brock wonders what Goldberg’s message is (please tell me you’re not that stupid, Brock) and Paul says that Goldberg, in his mind, speared Brock. Lesnar says he’ll beat Gurrero on Sunday then bring Goldberg in to F5 him into oblivion, taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to Scotty Go Potty (with Rikishi) vs. Danny Basham (with Doug Basham and Shaniqua)
Replay of last week’s tag title win. Sunday, it’s Rikishi and Scotty vs. The Basham Brothers and Shaniqua at No Way Out for the titles.
Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start and Danny with the go-behind, taking Scotty to the mat with a headlock. Scotty arm-wringers out and comes off the ropes with a shoulderblock. And dances. Scotty kicks Danny in the gut and gets a vertical suplex. And dances again. Ugh. Two dropkicks in a row scores 2 for Scotty. Armbar by Scotty but Danny punches his way out. Scotty answers but gets taken outside by Doug and clotheslined by Shaniqua due to referee distraction. Heh. Back in the ring, Danny gets 2. Twice. Neck vise by Danny but Scotty fights his way out only to take a spinning back suplex for 2. Jawbreaker by Scotty leads to the Irish whip and a high back body drop. Corner-whip-and-charge misses and Danny covers for a Doug-assisted 3 count. Post-match, Shaniqua is caught in the ring by Scotty and Rikishi and bulldogged, setting up the Banzai Drop (finally?) by Rikishi, but Doug and Danny save the day for their manager. $5 says Rikishi lands the Banzai this Sunday.

An exclusive interview with Playboy cover girls Torrie Wilson and Sable is later tonight as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Earlier Tonight, Paez knocked Chavo Sr. silly.

In The Back, Rey tells Josh Matthews that Paez has his back on Sunday. Rey says Jr. is jealous of the magazine cover spot and the title, but Rey has earned it all in 10+ years in the biz and will keep it after Sunday.

Elsewhere In The Back, Jr. tends to Sr. and tells the trainer that come Sunday, he’ll take Rey’s mask and title, AND that Sr. will beat the hell out of Paez – which Sr. has a hard time believing. Too funny.

Elsewhere In The Back, Josh Matthews (man he’s busy tonight!) asks Kurt about his chances at No Way out. Kurt states that he’s always come out on top. John Cena thinks he’s Eminem and Show eats M&Ms. Lots of them! Kurt will go on to WrestleMania, and that is DAMN true!

Kurt Angle and Eddie Gurrero face Brock Lesnar and The Big Show later tonight as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to
Hardcore Holly vs. Rhyno
Rhyno piefaces Holly to start and Holly gets the go-behind and the front facelock of the takedown. Hammerlock by Rhyno turns into a hiptoss by Holly. Another pieface by Rhyno and this time Holly slaps the taste out of his mouth before unloading with the chops and scoring 2 clotheslines of the ropes. In the corner, Holly kicks Rhyno and gets a coupla chops in for 2. Corner-whip-and-charge eats boot and Rhyno drills Holly with an inverted powerbomb on the top turnbuckle for 2. Nice! Unfortunately, the crowd is still silent. Holly with more punches and Rhyno kicks him in the gut to stop that before locking Holly in the bodyscissors. For a WHILE. Holly finally escapes and covers Rhyno for 2. Rights and a chop by Holly but Rhyno scores a Arn-worthy spinebuster for 2. Rhyno charges with the Gore but Holly counters with a beautiful dropkick (!) for 2. Rhyno takes Holly to the corner and punches the snot out of him. The ref tries to break and Rhyno shoves him away, earning the DQ. Post-match, Rhyno and Holly beat the snot out of each other outside the ring and the referees can’t stop them.

In The Back, Kurt is out cold with only a chair and Orlando Jordan nearby. Boy would THAT piss a lot of people off if Orlando becomes Kurt’s substitute later on as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to In The Back, Kurt is tended to by the EMTs.

In the ring a mariachi band is playing. Okay. Brock is out in a sombrero and a faux-Mexican dance that’s pure comedy gold! Brock says he’s celebrating Eddie but Eddie rushes out to chase the band and Brock out of the ring. Brock tells Edie that was rude because the band swam a long way to be here. Ouch~! Brock says Eddie is a fighter and people love that but it won’t matter come Sunday. While Eddie was battling demons, Brock was dominating amateur and pro wrestling. People like Eddie always expect sympathy and try to take what people like Brock earned and he hopes Eddie’s addicted to losing because he’ll get his fix Sunday. Eddie relates a story from Minneapolis 3 years ago when he was so high he was carried out of the arena and straight to rehab. Eddie lost everything as a result and has since earned it al back. Winning the WWE Title on Sunday will symbolize an apology to his family for all he put them through and that title will tell them he can and will earn a living for his family. Eddie is an addict for the WWE Title and he will get his rush on Sunday. Good stuff from these two again as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Shelton Benjamin (with Charlie Haas) vs. Bradshaw (with Ron Simmons)
The World’s Greatest Tag Team takes on the APA this Sunday. Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start with Benjamin getting the headlock turned into a top wristlock by Bradshaw. Kicks by Benjamin take Bradshaw outside where he nails Haas for sport. Back in the ring, Bradshaw gets the Irish whip and the Last Call (already?). Benjamin with the fireman’s carry takeover and Haas is on the apron for the distraction but Simmons grabs the ropes and sends Benjamin over on the other side for the official backfire. Bradshaw follows to beat on Benjamin some before tossing him back in the ring for the 2-count. Back suplex by Bradshaw gets 2 again. Corner whip by Bradshaw and the Clothesline From Hell meets a block by Benjamin, injuring Bradshaw’s arm. Bradshaw punches with the bad arm and Benjamin goes to work with the fujiwara armbar and knees to the shoulder. Bradshaw reaches the ropes and a slugfest ensues with Bradshaw still selling the arm very well (!!). Irish whip and a big boot for Bradshaw followed by a clothesline in the corner and a powerslam for 2. Another Irish whip and Bradshaw eats a superkick for 2. Corner charge by Benjamin eats elbow and Bradshaw lands the Clothesline From Hell proper for 3. Do missed finishers early on finishing the match later on qualify as a Move Of The Night? Sure they do!

In The Back, Josh says that Kurt is semi-conscious and that his assailant is narrowed down to three people: John Cena, The Big Show…and Brock Lesnar, taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to Jamie Noble in the ring(with recap of Nidia giving away his money last week). Nidia has spent Jamie’s inheritance and he should have dumped her when she became blind. Noble makes Nidia an offer – go home and pack up everything except the stuff that Noble bought her, including the mink coat (pay attention – that will become important in a moment) and Noble will call off the match on Sunday. A truck and a wood chipper arrive with Nidia inside. Nidia tells Noble that he will be blindfolded during their match on Sunday. Because that’s what we needed, a replay of the epic Jake Roberts/Rick Martel classic from WMVII. There’s a cute exchange involving Noble’s “log” (“That’s how rumors get started!” exclaims Noble) before Nidia feeds the mink coat into the wood chipper and leaves, taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to the interview with Torrie and Sable re: Playboy dual cover layout. The shoot was fun, they have a lot in common now that they’ve gotten to know each other, they had a great time with the shoot, and Stacy and Jackie are jealous as hell over on Raw. Yeah, that about covers it.

Michael Cole and Tazz run down the No Way Out card before Brock Lesnar and The Big Show are introduced for the big tag team match NEXT~!

Commercial.

Back to Eddie arriving in a gorgeous blue lowrider. Show and Lesnar mock Eddie by playing band before Angle’s music hits…and Kurt is a no-show. John Cena’s music hits instead and he is apparently the replacement for the evening. Cena and Show start off with Show punching Cena but Cena fires back and crotches Show on the top rope before dumping him outside. Lesnar tags in and wants Eddie. Cena obliges with the tag and Brock and Eddie explode on each other! Lesnar with the corner whip and a press slam attempt, but Eddie escapes and rolls Lesnar up for 2. Eddie kicks and punches Brock’s ribs before landing a dropkick to the head. Lesnar gets the spinebuster and the shoulders in the corner before tagging in Show. Show with a chop and a headbutt before stopping a tag out to Cena with a headbutt. Show goes for the powerbomb and Eddie rolls into sunset flip position. Show drops for the squash and Eddie moves to tag Cena in. Cena with rights but Show punches and headbutts Cena down. Two legdrops by Show and an attempt at a third but Eddie leverages Show over the top rope. Lesnar charges with the same result. Cole pulls the oldest trick in the book and promises to show the decision if the match ends during the break. With 10 minutes left in the show, Cole? Who the fuck’re you foolin’?!

Commercial.

Sure enough, no one won during the break, but Eddie did land a plancha on Lesnar on the outside. Show in the ring with an abdominal stretch on Cena before a clothesline and a tag to Lesnar. Lesnar stomps on Cena and taunts Eddie before getting the horizontal fisherman’s buster (the Brock Drop? Or something more original? Please?) for 2. Lesnar gets a gutwrench bearhug on Cena on the mat and keeps it on long enough for the home viewing audience to take a piss break. The interplay between Brock and Eddie continues as Cena fights his way out only to get caught in a bearhug/bodyscissors combination by Brock Vertical suplex by Brock and Show tags in with kidney shots. Cena fires back but eats a big boot off the ropes. Punches by Cena and off the ropes again and he goes for the knee before finally knocking Show down. Cena nails the Throwback but still gets caught in a side slam. Show goes for the Chokeslam but Cena escapes and lands a DDT for 2. The standing 10 count is on and Show tags in Lesnar at 8. Lesnar rushes Eddie and knocks him off the apron, preventing the tag. Cena gets another DDT for Lesnar and Eddie is tagged in to become the CASA EN FUEGO~! Eddie with punches and a dropkick to Lesnar’s knee before hitting the clothesline and the rolling verticals~! Edie dropkicks Show in the knee of the apron and gets the tilt-a-whirl headscissors off the ropes on Brock for 2. This crowd is hot for Lesnar and Eddie! Show and Cena outside where Show goes for the Chokeslam again. Kurt Angle is out, chair in hand, and wallops Show – before doing the same to Cena! In the ring, Eddie grabs Cena’s chain and takes advantage of the referee’s distraction, nailing Lesnar in his nuts and covering for the 3-count. Lesnar is in disbelief as Eddie celebrates with the barely-conscious Cena to ends the show.

Not a lot to write home about tonight, although the build between Lesnar and Eddie has been excellent given the shortened timeframe. Aside from these two, the rest was there. I’m looking forward to Sunday, though, just for Eddie and Brock.

L8.

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