411Mania’s Squared Circle News Report 09.12.09

Welcome back inside the Squared Circle! How is everyone doing this week? I’m personally doing MUCH better than last week. You see, last Friday I was involved in a traffic accident on the horrible road known as I-5. I was in a company van and I wasn’t driving….yet it was the worst accident I have ever been. I’m fine and I was willing to get my column in on time, but that should explain why I wasn’t able to discuss the WWE’s signing of Nigel McGuiness. I happened to avoid all traffic disasters this week and was able to put more time into the column and hell, I even managed to score some BREAKING NEWS~!

That’s really all I have to discuss right now. I could talk about the NFL season starting, but I’m a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs and let’s face it…..they are at least 2-3 years away from being able to compete with the rest of the league (SCOTT PIOLI!).

I also could discuss the ugly scene that was the Oregon/Boise State opener. I happen to be a HUGE Oregon Ducks fan and I was absolutely disgusted by what I saw when LeGarrette Blount sucker punched the Boise guy. While I’m a fan of dudes who talk shit getting punched, you need to think about the consequences of your actions. He got suspended from college ball for the entire year and has now hurt his chances to ever play in the NFL, all because of ONE PUNCH! Was it worth it Blount? I sure as hell hope so…….

Anyways…….

LET’S GET IT ON!!!!!

Biggest News Of The Week:

Can’t We All Just Get Along?…..

I would seriously hate to have been the guy who broke up this fight…..

This past Tuesday, we learned that all is not so peachy keen in WWE land. Apparently at a house show in Puerto Rico last weekend, the Big Show and the Great Khali got into a “huge” backstage fight. According to rumors, Big Show has harbored some ill feelings towards Khali for awhile now mainly due to the fact that he believes Khali is stealing moves that should be exclusive to him. First of all, let me address this real quickly. Whenever I hear a wrestler complaining about someone “stealing moves”, I usually resort to a big “WAAA WAAA” thrown their way. Wrestlers always steal each others moves just like comedians always steal each others jokes. It happens. As a matter of fact, it was Eddie Guerrero who said it best….if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying!

Now, let’s move on to the actual fight itself. According to the report the two began arguing while putting together a six-man tag match for later that night. Big Show then threw the first punch which Khali then blocked and that caused Big Show to slip and fall on the ground. Khali then got in the mount position and was going to ground and pound Show’s ass into oblivion, but apparently some people got brave enough to step in between these two monsters and break the fight up. First of all, who were the guys who broke the fight up and did they proceed to do so unarmed? If so, they are some of the bravest men in the history of the planet. If I tried to break up a fight between Show and Khali, one of them would pick me up and proceed to beat the other guy with my lifeless body.

The way I see it, the Big Show is entirely to blame here. He got all butt hurt that Khali was stealing his moves and decided to try and exact some revenge by showing off some of that “excellent” boxing training he had. When did the Big Show turn into such a huge douche nozzle? On a completely different note, where does this rank on the list of “best backstage fights”? Personally, I have it pretty low considering there have been some gems through out the years. I’ll take Arn Anderson vs. Sid, Chris Jericho vs. Goldberg, and many more ANY DAY! It would have been much better had they let Khali turn Show’s face into meat loaf first. But what do I know?

And in “related” news…..

Does this look like a woman beater?….actually, it does…..

You know it’s a bad thing in the world of wrestling when you learn about a wrestler’s arrest through a website like TMZ (Editor’s Note: I wrote THAT sentence before the arrest of Jeff Hardy!). Well, on Wednesday morning I had the pleasure of waking up, checking my iphone applications and lo and behold….there’s news about Sean Merri…errr O’Haire getting arrested for choking his girlfriend. What? REALLYYYYYYY???? I know O’Haire may be a little upset at the fact that his wrestling career tanked after having so much potential, but is this shit necessary? Anyone remember how awesome those promos O’Haire cut before making his WWE debut were? Well, does anyone remember how bad that character actually stunk once he made his debut? Wouldn’t that make you want to choke a bitch out? Well…..me neither, but that’s what makes us able to function in society.

I don’t know what’s going to become of this O’Haire news, but I’m sure it’s not going to be pretty. O’Haire has been competing as an MMA fighter for the past few years, so that doesn’t help his case at all. It’s one thing for a normal man to lay his hands on a woman, but it’s an entirely different thing if a professionally trained fighter “chokes” a woman. If I ever get the privilege of running into O’Haire in person, I will make sure to hit him with the nearest weapon I can find and then run away quickly.

With O’Haire and Sean Merriman both getting arrested for choking women out the last few days….does that make it a “fad”? Hmmmmm……

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SQUARED CIRCLE BREAKING NEWS~!

Jeff Hardy Arrested

While I was putting the finishing touches on my column this week, some breaking news happened! FINALLY! While last week, I missed the huge news of the WWE’s signing of Nigel McGuiness, this week I got lucky! It’s a damn good thing I check TMZ often because out of nowhere I see Jeff Hardy’s ugly mug staring back at me with the news that he has been arrested on drug charges. You see, the police served a search warrant at his house on Friday and guess what they found! If you said 262 Vicodin pills, 180 Soma pills, 555 milliliters of anabolic steroids, and some COCAINE…then you can consider yourself the winner!

Talk about a guy who’s looking to kill himself. Look, I know how popular Hardy is amongst the WWE fan base, but the truth is….the guy’s always been a loser and a drug addict and will always be one. How many wrestlers have died over the years mainly because of things like steroids and Soma pills? Yet you have a dumb bastard like Hardy popping them like they are freaking M&M’s. The man makes bad decisions (look how many times he no-showed in TNA) and it’s a proven fact that dumb people tend to make bad decisions. I’m not calling Hardy dumb by any means….well, OK….I am.

The facts are still a bit sketchy, so I’ll reserve a little bit more of a bashing for Hardy next week. That is, if Hardy is still alive. Looking at what they found in his house, I’m actually willing to bump Jeff Hardy above Jake “The Snake” Roberts & Scott Hall on the wrestling death watch list. Don’t be shocked if it happens…..that’s all I’m saying.

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Remember This Guy???

Men On A Mission

If you happen to be one of the “lucky” fans who was watching the WWE in the early 90’s, then you got to see the true blessing that was Mabel, Mo, and Oscar…..the “Men On A Mission”. You see, these guys were on a mission to help the “street kids” turn their lives around, and they were going to do so by beating up Billy & Bart Gunn on weekly WWE TV! Now THAT’S a mission! After sucking up the WWE TV airwaves for about a year, Mabel and Mo turned heel on Oscar and it even escalated into Mabel dying his hair black to show how angry he was (oh no, he didn’t!). Mabel then decided to become a singles wrestler and surprisingly ended up winning the King of the Ring (worst one ever btw!) and earning a title shot against Diesel at one of the worse SummerSlams ever. Oh, and then he turned into this…….

Gross….his nipples are bigger than my fists and the rest of his chest area looks like a sea creature. It’s actually terrifying me right now……

Here’s Men On A Mission vs. Diesel and the British Bulldog…..oh, and there’s a HEEL TURN~!

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Random News Bits:

– Jim Ross was recently asked on his website if the reports that he would consider going to TNA were true. Ross said “it’s just more gossip. I am of the mindset that I will end my career in WWE.” Why do people insist on starting the “ROSS TO TNA” rumors all the time? I’m pretty sure the old man’s going to stick with the WWE until he retires. Old people hate change…..

– The WWE has announced that they will move the 2010 Royal Rumble to January 31. The show was scheduled to air on January 24, which would have put it opposite the AFC or NFC championship games. This is a smart move by the WWE as you never ever ever want to go up against the big dog known as the “NFL”. Vince has learned his lesson before with the XFL.

– John Graziano, the passenger injured in Nick Hogan’s car crash two years ago, has finally been released from the hospital. This is great news for the Graziano family and one can hope that Hogan gets his taste of karma in the near future. I’m not one to promote violence (very often) but if you see Hogan walking down the street….hit him with your car.

– The reason the WWE has decided to drop the John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler match from this Sunday’s “Breaking Point” PPV is because of timing issues. However, you can expect the show to end with 10 minutes of run-time leaving us saying “WTF”?

– Wrestlers Rescue will be doing a cruise next summer and will feature such class acts as Scott Hall, X-Pac, Tammy Sytch, Rikishi, DDP, Mick Foley, Balls Mahoney, Nidia, and more. The cruise is expected to last from July 26-July 30. For anyone who goes on this cruise and “tweets” drunk pictures of Scott Hall will get MONEY OUT OF MY POCKET! That would be the most spectacular thing ever……

– Chris Jericho will be a regular on MTV’s “The Metal Show”, which will be a weekly series starting in October that discusses the world of heavy metal. Man…I love Chris Jericho, but even he’s not enough to get me watch to show this show. I’m not into music much, but I do know that heavy metal is crap.

– Hillbilly Jim recently sat down with ClubWWI.com and was asked if he was ever offered a contract from WCW:

“Absolutely I was. But you know what? I’ve used this analogy many times and I think you’d understand this. This is how I felt. I’m a guy – and it’s a strange word in this business that’s not used enough and it don’t really mean anything – loyalty. That’s ingrained in me. I have a little bit of loyalty. I would never do anything bad or say anything bad about the people at WWF or WWE now. ‘Cause they were good to me. They took a boy that didn’t have a whole lot and they made it possible for me to have a whole lot.”

Hillbilly Jim has always been a good dude and isn’t one of those guys who’s looking to make a name by blasting the WWE. Isn’t that right Billy Gunn?

– Mickie James popped a breast implant while wrestling on RAW last Monday. She will likely miss this weekend’s house show so she can have it replaced. I believe the WWE should throw that sucker on ebay and let us fans auction it. I’d love to have a Mickie James boob in my wrestling collection.

(Credit goes to The Wrestling Observer for the above news!)

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Wrestling Top 10 Lists:

Top 10 Wrestlers I Wish I Could Clone

This week’s top 10 is pretty self-explanatory. These are the top 10 wrestlers that are no longer wrestling that I wish I could clone! I’m also including wrestlers who may still be wrestling in bingo halls across America, but if they aren’t in one of the big two companies then it’s not really considered active in this list……

This list IS IN a particular order……

Honorable Mentions:

Let’s face it. This list is so broad and of course I’m going to forget a MILLION wrestlers who should be on this list….so of course we are going to have a few “honorable mentions.”

Bret Hart

Now, Bret Hart would make A LOT of people’s lists…but he just barely missed out on making my list. While I’m a huge fan of Hart’s, there are just more than a few guys that I would rank above him on this list.

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Terry Taylor

Poor Terry Taylor. Despite having a decent look and being a tremendous worker in the ring, the guy could just never catch a break. It didn’t matter if it was “The Red Rooster”, “Terrence Taylor”, or even “Terrific” Terry Taylor….the man just couldn’t get over. However, if we were too clone Taylor and let me run his career, I would get this man over! I was always a huge fan of Taylor’s and it would be my mission in life to make at least one of his characters a success.

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Ted DiBiase

Why would I clone Ted DiBiase? Because it’s a crime that this man wasn’t awarded the WWE title when he should have been back in the late 1980’s! His “Million Dollar Man” character was one of the greatest in WWE history and I still don’t understand why the WWE doesn’t have his two sons play wealthy SOB’s today. BRING BACK THE THEME SONG~!

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AND NOW…..THE TOP 10~!

10) Barry Windham

I don’t know what it was about Barry Windham, but when I was growing up I was a huge fan of his. It didn’t matter which federation he was currently wrestling for (and trust me, he bounced back and forth between WCW and WWE more than a lot of other guys did) or what gimmick he had at the time (US Express, Horseman, “Widowmaker”, “The Stalker”, etc), I was always cheering him on. OK, maybe not always. I can’t necessarily say I was a huge fan of “The New Blackjacks” or anything. Either way, Windham ruled and could have been one of the all-time greats had he just stayed with a company for longer than 5 years……

Hey look, it’s Barry Windham & Dustin Rhodes vs. DDP & Kevin Nash……

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9) Chris Benoit

Uh oh! Controversial pick…..!

Now, now, now. Settle down! I wouldn’t actually clone the SAME Chris Benoit. I’d make this one a little less of a murdering scumbag. Remember a time when Benoit was regarded as one of the greatest wrestlers ever? Perhaps with a new version of Benoit we could recreate that magic without having the tragedy we did……

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8) Brian Pillman

Perhaps no wrestler’s death has saddened me as much as Brian Pillman’s. When he was wrestling in wCw, he was one of the best up and coming lightweights in wrestling. Then after a terrible car accident, he was never the same in the ring. That’s the one thing that was lacking during Pillman’s WWE run….we never actually got to see the REAL Brian Pillman. If I could clone him, we would finally get to see how the Pillman who could “wrestle circles around everyone” may have actually done in the WWE.

Hey look, it’s “Flyin” Brian Pillman vs. The Undertaker….but in WCW! How weird……

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7) Curt Hennig

I think the real question here is, who WOULDN’T want to clone “Mr. Perfect”? Imagine being able clone Hennig and also being able to give him a healthy back and then imagine the greatness that could have been! “Mr. Perfect” was one of the greatest characters in wrestling history and I would kill a close family member to clone this man……(not you dad!)……

This one’s a surefire classic. It’s “Mr. Perfect” vs. “Chico” Santana for the IC title……

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6) Arn Anderson

Of course I’m going to want to clone “The Enforcer” Arn Anderson! The man was the epitome of “bad ass” back in the day. Not only could Anderson cut a decent promo, but he wrestled one hell of a match and knew how to get his opponent over. Arn was one guy that I really wish would have gotten a world title before injuries cut his career short. By cloning him, I could hope that he would finally get his shot.

Two of my all-time favorite wrestlers….Arn Anderson vs. The Great Muta…….

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5) Scott Hall

Speaking of guys who should have been world champions yet never reached that pinnacle. Perhaps no one defines that position more than Scott Hall. This man just bled charisma and really had the talent and look to carry a company in my opinion. However, demons got the best of them and prevented that exact thing from ever happening. By cloning Hall I would hope that he wouldn’t go that route this time around. But who knows, perhaps Hall version 2 would be even more of an alcoholic….if that’s even possible.

It’s Scott Hall as…..THE DIAMOND STUDD……

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4) Eddie Guerrero

I think the big question here is….who wouldn’t want to clone Eddie Guerrero? I don’t think I need to explain my reasoning for this one.

Brock Lesnar vs. Eddie Guerrero….can Eddie finally do it????

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3) Steve Austin

Perhaps no other wrestler in WWE history was more fun to watch than “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. His run on top of the company made for some of the best TV in wrestling history and was the most success the WWE had ever seen in the mainstream. Austin’s career was cut short due to a horrific neck injury he suffered during a match with Owen Hart. While he continued to wrestle after the injury, you could tell he wasn’t the same guy anymore. I would love to clone “Stone Cold” just to see some of the greatness that we all saw 10 years ago…..

Uh oh, Austin is looking to kick Vince’s ass…..again……

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2) Ric Flair

Why would I want to clone Ric Flair? Because a wrestling world in which Flair isn’t a part of….isn’t one that I wish to live in. I’d kill to see some 80’s-90’s Flair again. It’s really too bad that David Flair never turned out, it just goes to show you that the argument “he has good genes” means JACK and SHIT!

Ric Flair calls out Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat…..

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1) The Rock

I’ve made it known in the past that my all-time favorite wrestler is “The Rock”. Throughout the years that I’ve watched wrestling (over 20 now), no one has been able to entertain me as much as “The Rock” did. When he exploded onto the scene in the 90’s, everyone wrote him off…including me. He was way too generic looking and was getting a pretty decent push for a newcomer (which was kind of resented back then). However, once he joined the “Nation of Domination” and became “The Rock”, we all finally saw that this man had the potential to be one of the best ever….and man did he not disappoint. I wish “The Rock” never would have gone to Hollywood, but that’s just the wrestling fan inside me speaking…..

And here’s some of “The Rock’s” best work……

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YouTube! Find Of The Week!

Because Michael Jordan is got inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame yesterday…..

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And that’s it for me this week. Remember, don’t be a stranger to 411! Bookmark the site and visit it countless times a day. Hell, be brave and make it your homepage! Trust me, it will make you a better person……

See you next Saturday back in the Squared Circle! Until then, you can find me on MySpace or Facebook! .

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