wrestling / Columns
411Mania’s Squared Circle News Report 10.03.09
Welcome back inside the Squared Circle! How is everyone doing this week? I’m personally excited because this is my 30th column here in the Squared Circle, which is surprising considering I didn’t think I would last past column #10. Not because I was afraid of being fired or anything (I have Larry’s phone number written down on a piece of paper right next to a list of his greatest fears. Can you believe he’s afraid of Tapioca pudding?) but because I didn’t think I would have the time each week to write this thing. However, I have managed to make time and punch these things out for you people, and I don’t care if you love me or hate me….as long as you read me!
It seems the big talk of the town right now was this week’s episode of the “Ultimate Fighter” featuring Kimbo Slice vs. Roy Nelson. The fight went down exactly like I (and 99% of hardcore MMA fans) predicted. While Slice looked impressive in the stand-up game, he was done as soon as the fight hit the ground. There was absolutely no way Kimbo was getting Nelson’s fat ass off of him. As a matter of fact, the only way Kimbo was getting Nelson off of him was if he pulled a Big Mac out of his shorts and threw it to the other side of the Octagon. Nelson’s so fat, he would chase down that burger and eat it…ball sweat and all. Either way, Nelson’s still my favorite to win the whole thing and I even believe we will see Kimbo fight again on the show. It’s not like “Big Country” did much damage to him anyway…..
Anyways…….
LET’S GET IT ON!!!!!
Biggest News Of The Week:
Chavo Guerrero Goes Off On Twitter
You know it’s a slow news week when Chavo Guerrero is the main headline….
For the two of you who have yet to experience the world of Twitter, let me explain to you why it’s a way better social networking site than say…MySpace. Twitter is simple to use and that’s one of the reasons why it could be the best social networking site on the Intraweb. All you have to do is post something using less than 140 characters. That means you don’t have to listen to people going off on rants or anything…..because who can really get off a good rant using just 140 characters? Ohhhhh, that’s right….douchebags like Chavo Guerrero, that’s who. Oh, you didn’t hear about this one yet? Apparently ol’ Chavito was getting messages on his Twitter account from fans who were poking fun at him because of his recent losing streak to Hornswoggle. So what does Chavo do? He posts like 6 straight messages blasting the fans. I know you want to read it, so here you go……
“u all realize that its not wrestling anymore, right? It’s entertainment, sometimes I wonder by your comments, u guys realize that I can out “wrestle” most guys in the WWE, right? The way u guys respond, makes me think that u actually think I’m losing. It makes me think that I’m responding to RETARDS! We’re not the UFC. It’s not real! I can beat up a midget any day of the week, and so could u! But who wants to see that.”
I have only one thing to say about this……
Actually, I have a lot more to say about the situation than that. The fans were obviously trying to see if they could get a reaction out of Chavo, and out of nowhere it was FISH ON! Chavo came out firing calling everyone who responded to him a “RETARD”! Way to be politically correct Chavo. While “retard” is an extremely funny word….people like him shouldn’t use it, seeing as he’s famous and all. Why not call them “idiots” or “morons” instead? Leave the word “retard” to scumbags like me, alright Mexican Warrior?
Here’s some other gems that Chavo has posted recently….
“This is how I feel now. Use to love everyone and thought Wrestling was just fun, but all the haters out there have changed me. Thanks! Hate me? ok. u paid a ticket,it’s your right, but say mean shit, expect to get mean shit back! Don’t dish it out if u can’t take it! if u wanna hate, follow someone else. I don’t want u! To all who love me; You are the reason I even have a twitter account! YOU!!!”
Chavo tends to forget that there’s a “block” feature on Twitter that’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.
Why not try using it? He doesn’t need to be so sensitive and cry about how “haters” are making him really hate wrestling now. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Kick sand! Perhaps the reason you hate wrestling now is because you haven’t been entertaining since Los Guerreros broke up?
OK, enough of picking on Chavo for the time being. But he was just the perfect example of why you should sign up for Twitter. There’s a lot of wrestlers currently on the social network site and it’s a good way to interact with them. Plus, you can send Chavo funny messages about how he always loses to an elf! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Remember This Guy???
The Bushwhackers
In the 1980’s and 1990’s, the WWE was a simple place. Their target audience just happened to be kids and teenagers and it doesn’t take a lot to entertain that demographic. As a matter of fact, if you were two retarded cousins who went around waving your arms in the air like lunatics, licking other people’s heads, and acting like cavemen….there was a great chance you would get over with the crowd. Actually, that’s exactly what happened with the Bushwhackers.
Who can forget the Bushwhackers? Butch and Luke were so over that even people who didn’t watch wrestling knew who they were. Why? I have no idea. It’s one thing that I will never understand. For as over as the Bushwhackers were with the live crowds, they never actually got a run with the WWE tag team championship during their long stint with the company. However, it’s really hard to win the WWE tag team championship when there are teams like the Hart Foundation, British Bulldogs, Demolition, and the Rockers around. But who cares…as long as you lick a wrestling fans head, they will love you.
Here’s the Bushwhackers vs. Damian Demento & Repo Man….
Random News Bits:
– Apparently the reason that RAW sucked this week was because the creative team was tired as hell from having to do a ton of television and getting only a three week break between PPVs. Most of the talent was also coming off of tours of Europe or Central America and they were also tired as hell. It’s called “overworked” and it never leads to anything good. Perhaps Vince should calm down, keep it to just two television shows a week and bi-monthly PPVs. In my opinion, it would only lead to a better overall product. But apparently Vince loves “overexposure” and so we will just sit back and continue to watch the ratings drop…..
– Jerry “The King” Lawler has come out and said that if he wins the Memphis mayoral election, he will keep his job on RAW. That is good news for all of us because it appears as though this is non-news anyway seeing as Lawler has NO SHOT at winning this thing. Seriously, the last poll showed that he only had 2% of the vote. I’m pretty sure even Marty McFly had at least 4% of the vote at last count. That just goes to show you that the people of Memphis don’t want a mayor who’s only interested in “PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”.
– Here is the current line-up for WWE Hell in a Cell on October 4:
*John Cena vs. Randy Orton for the WWE title – Hell in a Cell
*CM Punk vs. Undertaker for the World title – Hell in a Cell
*Legacy vs. DX – Hell in a Cell
*Chris Jericho/Big Show vs. Batista/Rey Mysterio for the WWE tag titles
*John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler for the WWE IC title
*The Miz vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston for the WWE US title
*Mickie James vs. Alicia Fox for the WWE Divas title
Maybe it’s just me, but this is actually a pretty decent line-up for a WWE PPV. I may actually purchase this considering there are no good MMA PPV’s until October 24 (UFC 104, MACHIDA vs. Shogun!!).
– Atlanta, Indianapolis, and Miami are the cities currently bidding for the 2011 WrestleMania. OK, now I can’t be the only person who wants to see the WWE return to Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Remember Jim Ross in a toga? Who doesn’t want to see Jim Ross wear a toga now? OK then, say it with me now……
– Chris Jericho recently sat down with Slam! Wrestling and had the following to say regarding the WWE’s brand extension:
“I think it was a better idea then than it is now. There was a lot more talent when they did the brand extension. You could actually split the rosters in two, create some competition for ourselves, especially afer WCW went under. Sometimes I wonder if we should still do that with the talent roster the way that it is with a lot of younger guys. It’s a good idea to give them a chance to shine, but for me the way right now, especially working Raw and Smackdown, it shows that some guys should do both shows because we need the diversity on both.”
I rarely disagree with Jericho (it’s not my fault the dude’s a genius) and once again he hit the nail on the head here. The brand extension was a good idea at the time, but I often question if they should end it now. I know the “young guys” won’t get any TV time, but if they are good enough…they’ll earn TV time like they had to do in the old days (Yes, YOU Stevie Richards!).
– Look for the Beautiful People to have less in-ring action in TNA with the addition of Lacey Von Erich. The group now is going to be more focused on skits and vignettes seeing as Von Erich can’t wrestle her way out of a paper bag. Then again, she’s probably better than Rosa Mendes (seriously…she is HORRIBLE!).
– The backstage reaction to new TNA agents D-Lo Brown and Pat Kenney is said to be pretty positive. Reports say that the two have been working really hard and apparently have been doing a fantastic job. But seriously, who would trade those two for Jim Cornette? Ohhhhh, that’s right! This is TNA…..
– TNA has reportedly been trying to get Terry Funk to come in and be apart of the upcoming Mick Foley vs. Abyss match at Bound for Glory. However, Terry Funk is apparently smarter than we thought as even he wants nothing to do with TNA. Who said 88 year old men have no idea what they are doing?
– Ice T and his stripper wife Coco have apparently been contacted about possibly hosting RAW in the future. While I’m all cool with Ice T hosting, does he really have to bring his whore of a wife with him? Sometimes I really question who’s in charge of getting these people who guest host RAW….COUGHalsharptonCOUGH……
– There’s a rumor going around that Dennis Miller will guest host the three-hour RAW on November 23. Surprisingly this is actually a decent guest host for RAW. However, Miller’s jokes are usually targeted more towards people of intelligence…therefore don’t expect the majority of RAW’s fans to get them.
(Credit goes to The Wrestling Observer for the above news!)
Wrestling Top 10 Lists:
Top 10 Managers of All-Time
Well, my top 10 from last week caused up quite a stir (130+ comments!) so I figured I would go ahead and rank something easy this time. This go round I’ll be ranking the best managers of all-time and the reason this is an easy list is because I’m a freaking genius and you should worship my opinion like Scott Keith’s blog followers do (“Hey Scott, that dinner I ate tonight was pretty good. Can you review it please????”) …..
This list is in a particular order……
10) Paul Bearer
OOHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSSS UNNDEEERRRRRTAKKKKKEEEEERRRRR!!
If you were a fan of the WWE in the 1990’s, then those words could send chills down your spine! When Bearer made his debut in the WWE in 1990 to manage The Undertaker, the whole world pretty much gave out one huge “WTF?”. However, as time went on, we all learned to respect Bearer and Undertaker’s relationship and Bearer became a staple for the dead man’s character. If I sat here and described all the crap that happened with the Undertaker and Bearer over the years, most of you new fans wouldn’t believe me anyway. Seriously, this one time I was in the “WWF” AOL chat room for a scheduled online chat with the Undertaker (man, I was SOOO cool in the mid-90’s) and then all of a sudden….guess who came into the chat room? That’s right, a user with the name “WWFBearer”! OHHHHH SNAPPPP! IT WAS ON!!!! The two then proceeded to have the best “online fight” I have ever seen. To this day I still can’t understand as to why Bearer didn’t type likkkkkkkeeeeeee thisssssssssssss.
Paul Bearer reveals the Undertaker’s secret (and no, it has nothing to do with liking animal porn)………
9) Miss Elizabeth
Miss Elizabeth is an icon in the wrestling world, which is impressive for a lady who just stood in a corner and didn’t speak for the majority of her career. While that wouldn’t fly in today’s WWE, you can’t help but give Elizabeth the respect she deserves just for having longevity and the fact that when you think of “Macho Man” Randy Savage….you usually think of Miss Elizabeth as well.
Here’s a tribute to Miss Elizabeth……
8) Sensational Sherri
I was torn as to who to rank first, Elizabeth or Sherri. However, I decided to give Sherri the advantage due to the fact that she was involved in more storylines and was more “active” in trying to get her clients to win. Since I grew up watching the WWE in the 1990’s, the first thing I think about when I think of Sherri is “Scary Sherri” and her run with Randy Savage when he was the “Macho King” and she was the “Sensational Queen”. Man, those were good times. Sherri also gets bonus points for smiling at Booker T in that clip where he calls Hulk Hogan the “n” word……
And here’s the clip…..
7) Mr. Fuji
Ohhhh mannn. I use to HATE Mr. Fuji! Talk about a conniving son of a bitch. Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s if something was running afoul, you can believe that Fuji had a hand in it. But then again, that’s the sign of a truly great wrestling manager. A manager who tries to get his clients the advantage anyway possible (whether it’s dirty or not) is exactly what the manager position is all about. If you are doing that, then you are doing your job correctly. And believe me, not a whole lot of people did this better than Fuji did.
Mr. Fuji appears on Piper’s Pit…..
6) “Classy” Freddie Blassie
Perhaps no one in wrestling history could get a crowd riled up as much as “Classy” Freddie Blassie (well, except maybe the ECW Dudley Boys). Not only was Blassie a great wrestler, but once he was forced to retire from wrestling, he transitioned into managing as if he had been doing it his whole life. The people hated Blassie, but that’s one reason that they loved to watch him. While Blassie wasn’t very “classy” at all, he was still a great manager and is easily one of the best of all-time.
Here’s a tribute to “Classy” Freddie Blassie……
5) Paul E. Dangerously
WCW sure didn’t know what they had when they had Paul E. Dangerously on their roster. I rank WCW letting Dangerously go, right up there with WCW letting Steve Austin and Chris Jericho walk. Then again, that could just be my fanboyism. In the early 90’s, perhaps no one in WCW was a bigger heel then that cell phone carrying son of a bitch…Paul E. Dangerously. Dangerously only got more power when he decided to form a stable called “The Dangerous Alliance” (one of the best stables ever!) and then proceeded to take over WCW with ease. After some backstage crap with WCW ended his managing career, Dangerously went on to join ECW and turned that into one of the most memorable wrestling promotions of all-time. Let’s face it, this man’s a wrestling genius! WHY IS HE SITTING AT HOME WHILE VINCE RUSSO IS RUNNING TNA? That kind of stuff will never make sense to me…..
Paul E. Dangerously vs. the dude from “Wonder Years”…..
4) Jimmy Hart
Perhaps no one in wrestling history has been more annoying than the “Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart. He not only annoyed people in Memphis, but he annoyed people in the WWE and then annoyed people in WCW. The man was on a worldwide ANNOYING TOUR! However, the man was able to do his job. It didn’t matter who he managed (Honky Tonk Man, Hart Foundation, The Mountie, etc) it always seemed that at least one of Hart’s guys was wearing gold. He’s known for carrying around a megaphone and cheating his way to victory, but the truth is….Jimmy Hart was one of the best managers in wrestling history. He also gets bonus points just for being involved in the Andy Kaufman/Jerry Lawler storyline from years ago. Andy Kaufman was the shit!
Jimmy Hart on the Brother Love show, also featuring Hulk Hogan and EARTHQUAKE…..
3) Captain Lou Albano
“Captain” Lou Albano is the definition of “icon” when it comes to wrestling managers. He started out as a heel in the WWWF and ended his run as a “babyface” in the WWF. During his career, Albano managed the Wild Samoans, Fuji & Saito, The British Bulldogs, Greg Valentine, Pat Patterson and MANY more. As a matter of fact, according to Wikipedia….Albano has managed over 50 different wrestlers who won two dozen championships. How is that not impressive? If it’s one thing that the wrestling industry is missing the most now a days is the great managers like “Captain” Lou. Ohhhh, and did I mention he was “Mario” in the “Super Mario Bros” live action show? That show rocked all sorts of ass.
It’s the “Super Mario Bros Super Show!”…..
2) Jim Cornette
What makes Jim Cornette a “better manager” than the rest of the guys on this list? The fact that he probably has the best “wrestling mind” out of all of them and it shows. The man knows how to work a crowd, get his wrestler mega heat, and help intensify a feud (Midnight Express vs. Rock N’ Roll Express anyone?). You name it, Jimmy Cornette has done it. It pains me to see that this man is now unemployed and will probably never return to the WWE due to the bridges that he has burned there. But then again, this is pro wrestling and you NEVER SAY NEVER in this industry….right?
Jim Cornette and Jerry Lawler INVADE ECW (those were the days!)……..
1) Bobby Heenan
It doesn’t matter if you agree with my #1 pick, because it’s my list and in my opinion…Bobby “The Brain” Heenan is the best manager pro wrestling has ever seen. “The Brain” had this aura about him that just made you hate him and anyone he managed. For example, Andre The Giant was one of the most popular wrestlers ever, but once he aligned himself with Heenan, the fans wanted to see Hulk Hogan rip Andre’s head off! That was the kind of heat “The Weasel” got. Heenan did his job and he did it better than anyone else ever has in my opinion…..
Bobby Heenan buys Hercules from Slick. Man, Slick got the better end of that deal…….
YouTube! Find Of The Week!
Not only was Heenan a great manager, but he was a fantastic wrestler as well!……
And that’s it for me this week. Remember, don’t be a stranger to 411! Bookmark the site and visit it countless times a day. Hell, be brave and make it your homepage! Trust me, it will make you a better person……
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