411’s Hogan Knows Best Report 8.14.05

Let’s meet the Hogan Family!

Father: Hulk
Mother: Linda
Daughter: Brooke
Son: Nick

Sorry about last week, VH1 showed repeats of all the shows so there was no report to be had.

This week on Hogan Knows Best: While Hulk and Linda away, the nasty boy will play!

We see Nick and Brooke chasing each other through the house. Nick spits on her, glorious. He then gives her a wedgie.

Hulk bitches at Linda for the maid moving his stuff. He is sick of the shit. Linda says he always blames her, and she is pissed. They argue more.

Hulk says they are arguing a lot and stressed. She gives him the silent treatment.

Brooke says they are stressed over helping her. Linda says it cam be a nightmare and the shit has to stop. She has too much to do and she loses her cool. There is no romance left for her and Hulk.

Hulk says they will work it out and get some free time.

Hulk and Knobs workout and discuss their issues. Knobs says they need a break, and Hulk likes it. Knobs is the voice of reason and offers to watch the kids. Hulk says he needs to be responsible and he says he will be.

Hulk tells Linda that this weekend they are going away. He has everything taken care of. She loves him.

Hulk is on the phone and has to spell his name to the travel guy! HA! He wants the whole package, limo and Crystal!

Linda is excited, but Hulk is worried and says Knobs isn’t that smart, but thankfully smarter than he looks.

They say bye to the kids and hop into a HUGE ass Hummer-limo.

Brooke and Nick are excited to be alone. KNOBS IS HERE! Knobs starts to drink beer already. Nick says a few beers and he’ll pass out, nice.

In the limo Hulk opens up some Crystal Champagne. He loves Linda and they start to drink. Hulk says it will be as exciting as she wants to make it. They can get their porn on! They are drinking a lot and kill the bottle. He says to pull over to another liquor store and they do and he buys some more. He asks for a discount, and it is $223. Dayum.

Back at the house Knobs yells at Nick. Hulk tells Linda to get a tattoo. She should get a tattoo on her finger he says, she declines.

Nick has friends over and Knobs says he is in charge and goes for more beer. They then ride a golf cart around the neighborhood. Nick moons some golfers.

Hulk and Linda arrive at the hotel and Linda is so happy and may cry.

Knobs discovers the golf cart is gone and is pissed.

Hulk and Linda order some grub, and discuss the virtues of rubbed steak. They drink some more.

Knobs finds the kids and asks about where they were. They hear sirens and Knobs is worried the cops were after the kids.

Commercial time.

We are back.

Linda and Hulk look at their view and Linda discovers that they are getting massages. They get naked and lay down for their massages. Linda ask who is watching the kids and Hulk says it is Knobs. Linda’s reply, “WHAT?!?”

We see Mick and his friends spraying silly string at Brooke as Linda says she doesn’t trust Knobs. Then back at the house, Nick is walking across the beams in the ceiling as Knobs asks his to stop. Safety first brother! Knobs says he will stick his crutch up his ass if he doesn’t get down.

Linda calls Knobs an overgrown 12 year old.

Back at the house Nick scares Knobs with a blow horn.

Hulk and Linda prepare to go out as Linda worries about Knobs. Hulk discusses helping Brooke and says that he knows he is stressing everyone out.

Back at the house, Nick says Ashlee is sleeping over, and Brooke says he is lying. Brooke calls to confirm this and Knobs says he will make sure nothing goes on as Hulk says they are going to eat. Hulk downplays it to Linda and says they were just checking. LIAR!

They get interrupted at dinner by people wanting Hulk’s autograph and photos with him. Linda doesn’t look happy, but Hulk has a plan.

Knobs now searches for Nick, and he and Ashlee were going in the Jacuzzi. Knobs puts the COCK BLOCK on him!

Hulk has a private dessert set up for him and Linda in the room, how sweet.

Knobs tucks in Brooke and Ashlee in Brooke’s room, as we head back to Hulk and Linda as Hulk says he will take Linda to the promise land BROTHER!

Commercial time.

We are back.

At the hotel Hulk and Linda prepare to leave. Hulk calls Knobs and gets the voicemail as Knobs was asleep. The house is a MESS! Knobs wakes everyone up to clean up the house. He wakes up one of Nick’s friends with, “hey numb nuts, wake the fuck up…where do you think you are, a Ramada or Marriott?” Then, “GET THE FUCK UP!”

The kids clean as Knobs gets a shower. Nick steals Knobs shit and pisses him off. Nick puts in on one of the ceiling beams, and then calls Hulk and says Knobs is wearing his red and yellow gear and chasing them around the house! He tells Linda and she asks is he is drunk! Nick says they need to come home and kick him out.

They return home and Knobs has his gear back and he explains why he wore Hulk’s stuff. Hulk talks to Knobs and tells them about the golf cart and all. Hulk thanks him and Hulk talks to Nick and Brooke.

Hulk says Nick is in trouble, and will lose the cell phone, and Ashlee for a week as well as an 8pm bedtime. Brooke was very good on the other hand.

Linda and Hulk make fun of Knobs in his spandex! Hulk is glad that Nick tortured Knobs, but still had to be punished.

Show ends.