411’s OVW TV Report 03.20.04

Note: I am doing this week’s report on Wordpad, as opposed to Microsoft Word as I do not have it on my home computer where I rarely do this column. So if I miss a few grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, don’t jump on me about it. Black text looks all alike to me.

Hello again, OVW fanatics. I’m sorry about not posting last week’s report as I was in Tennesee for this entire week as well as last weekend. This caused me to miss OVW. Because I missed it, I will go into full detail about the recaps of what happened last week.

The big OVW column is beginning to take shape, it will have abbreviated bios of the current OVW workers including: their height, their weight, their finisher, and their entrance music. Expect that within the next few weeks.

It’s hard to say when I’ll have the OVW Christmas Chaos 2000 report up, as that’s 2 hours of tape, and I don’t have a VCR handy. So you’ll have to wait a few weeks for my opinion of Big Show vs. Mark Henry. That match is in OVW. No national TV spot, so neither of them had anything to prove. It’s THAT bad.

For those die hard Mitch fans who want to know everything thing about my life (there are none, I just need to fill up some introductory space before I feel right about going into the OVW results), I recently bought two CDs.

Probot – Probot

Arch Enemy – Anthems of Rebellion

Both of these are fantastic metal albums. I highly suggest you check out both of these. Arch Enemy would be easier to check out, as they are an actual band. Probot is a metal project by Dave Grohl with a different metal
icon providing the vocals for each song. No Ozzy on here, he’s an overrated drunk asshole (please direct your hatemail to [email protected]). We’ve got fucking LEMMY.

Steven is an impatient git. May this bastard catch gonnorhea. From Jane. Fuck smarky smark wrestling shoots, these are REAL shoots.

I also bought a cowboy hat.

LAST WEEK:

Even I don’t know.

THIS WEEK:

YOUR Commentators: Jim Cornette and Dean Hill

YOUR Venue: The Davis Arena

YOUR Commentator: Wanking in the porno room out of spite.

Elimidate is on right before OVW so if my keyboard flubs up, it is because it is being clogged by the blood flowing from my wrists after an attempted suicide.

We open with the mad current OVW vid.

Match 1: Johnny Jeter vs. Sylvan Grenier

Match Sequence: We start with a headlock into Grenier bitchslapping Jeter. We get another lockup into his own headlock and Grenier shoots him into the ropes for a clothesline then a slam then a dropkick. JOHNNY’S ON FIRE. Jeter with his own bitchslap. Linda Miles distracts Jeter allowing Grenier the cheapshot. Jeter gets choked in the ropes and Grenier jumps on his head and gets two. Grenier hits a vertical suplex for two. Grenier irish whips him into the corner and Jeter gets his head beat into the corner. Jeter gets backdropped for 2. Grenier locks his knee into the back of Jeter while the crowd chants USA to help him escape. Jeter mounts a comeback but it fails. Grenier shoots him into the ropes and Jeter gets powerslammed for two. Grenier attempts a DVD and gets a spinkick as a result. Jeter mounts his comeback. Jeter hits a jumping elbow and misses his flying kick from the top. Grenier tries a suplex and and it gets reversed into the Crippler Crossface for the submission victory.

Winner: Johnny Jeter.

Rating: This was actually really good. It was good formula stuff. ***1/2

Commercial.

Last Week: Dinsmore cuts a promo. He says last week ( he pinned Doug Basham and he proved he was the best. He said he would’ve won had it not been for Jim Ross. He says he’s taking his belt and Venus to the WWE where he belongs. Jeter comes to the ring and says he pinned the champion and that should get him a title shot. The Team Players come to the ring. Impact informs Nick Dinsmore that if he loses one more match or causes Lauranitis anymore problems with the office, it’s all over. Impact says to Jeter if he wants a gift (a title shot) he has to pass a test. He has to beat one of the Troubleshooters. Impact flips a coin and it ends up as Brent Albright. Sean O’Haire hits the ring. Sean O’Haire says the match is right now. O’Haire says he’s in Jeter’s corner. We cut to Albright locking in the ARMBAR and Jeter makes the ropes. That’s the first time someone has gotten out of albright’s ARMBAR. Jeter sells the arm as he mounts his comeback, backdrops Albright for a 2. Jeter charges the corner and gets kicked in the head. Jeter gets in the Crippler Crossface but Impact puts Albright’s foot on the ropes. O’Haire and Impact get into it. Dinsmore charges the ring and and O’Haire and Jeter get taken out by the Team Players. Adrenaline hit the ring with chairs for the save. Seemed like it would’ve been a good match. Albright is the more talented of the 2 Troubleshooters.

See what happens when you miss OVW for a week? One of the main eventers starts using a new finisher. When was the last time you saw Benoit use a finisher that wasn’t the crossface or headbutt? HUH? HUH?

Commercial.

We rejoin the present with Dinsmore, Impact, and Venus hitting the ring for a promo with Cornette. Cornette says Impact must be happy with what happened last week. Impact says all these people piss him off. Dinsmore, clean shaven, says the Team Players are running things in OVW. Cornette says after last week, O’Haire and Jeter lodged a complaint to Jim Ross and at the Smackdown house show on Monday, March 29th we get O’Haire and Jeter vs. Impact and Dinsmore. Dinsmore says that he’s going to prove to EVERYBODY that the Team Players DO run everything. Cornette says that two weeks from tonight Jeter gets his title shot. Dinsmore says Jeter might not make it there. They say they’re coming after Jeter.

Cornette says coming up next is the TV debut of “The Real Deal” Ron Steel. Who?

Commercial.

Match 2: “The Giant Killer” Mike Mondo (w/Kenny Bolin and sign that reads “Godzilla fears Mondo”) vs. “The Real Deal” Ron Steel (from my current city of residence).

Impact comes to the ring before things can get underway and he wants the mic. Impact gestures towards Steel and asks if this is what OVW is fighting for? He asks if this is what O’Haire and Jeter get beat down for every week for. He says he was raised in a cornfield in Indiana. HEY! We have a mall. Impact says it was Bolin’s birthday, and by the looks of it he ate a lot of birthday cake. Impact gives Bolin $500 for this match.

Match 2: Inspector Max Impact vs. “The Real Deal” Ron Steel.

Match Sequence: Steel attacks Impact but Impact levels him with a clothesline. Impact then hits a chokeslam and gets a 2 count! Impact hits a powerslam for 2. Impact brings in a chair. Impact beats Ron Steel down with the chair. Steel looks like Randy Savage. O’Haire hits the ring and takes out Impact. O’Haire takes out the Troubleshooters only for the numbers to overcome him. Adrenaline hit the ring and take out the Troubleshooters. Adrenaline take out Impact as well.

Rating: DUD. Complete crap.

Commercial.

Matt Cappoteli comes to the ring with a hot woman for an interview with Cornette. She looks mad nervous. Cornette says he has a surprise for Hennigan. Cappoteli says he has been wanting to reveal what a jerk Hennigan is. He says she is Melina. She is from California. She used to be Hennigan’s girlfriend. Cappoteli says when they first started having their problems, Melina called and told him a few stories. Cappoteli pulls out a list of things. “Hennigan likes to sing karaoke just to sign autographs.” “He asked Melina to marry him and pulled out a pic of a ring she was going to buy.” “Spent $200 on a cutout of himself.” “He made Melina introduce him by his nicknames to people he already knew. Some of them: JOHNNY BLAZE. JOHNNY STARDUST. JOHNNY DREAMWEAVER. JOHNNY THE UNDERCOVER LOVER.” Hennigan comes to the ring and says he wants to be called JOHNNY SPADE now. Cornette says they’ve already had a johnny spade (lowercase). SPADE says it’s a cool name and he doesn’t care. JOHNNY SPADE says Melina is mad because she cant have anymore of “Russel the Love Muscle.” Cappoteli attempts a DDT and Melina lowblows him and they hug. They both lay a beatdown on Cappoteli. JOHNNY SPADE hits the cocky heel dance and they make out.

Commercial.

Jillian Hall collects donations for the Crusade for Children.

Last Week: We join Skyfire vs. Magnus in progress. They are both down. Nikita throws some brass knuckles into the ring and Magnus has them. Alexis Laree takes the knuckles and Nikita turns the ref around for him to see Alexis with the knucks and the DQ. Magnus and Nikita take out Alexis and Skyfire. Standing Thunder runs to the ring and hits a backdrop.

Standing Thunder and Alexis Laree come to the ring for an interview with Cornette. Alexis says there isn’t enough room in OVW for Nikita and Alexis. Standing Thunder has a contract for a special match, but we can’t figure out what it is before Nikita and Magnus hit the ring. Magnus and Nikita accept without knowing the stipulations. Magnus calls Alexis a clueless circus midget. WOO. She’s like the babyface slut. She’s with all the babyfaces. Adrenaline, Standing Thunder, Seth Skyfire etc. Magnus says, “NIKITA. DESK.” She bends over and Nikita bends over and Magnus signs. Cornette reveals that next week we’ll have Alexis Laree and Standing Thunder vs. Mark Magnus and Nikita and the loser of the fall leaves OVW. As I said in the March Mayhem report, Nikita was fired. That kinda takes the suspense out of it.

Commercial.

Last Week: Nova and Idol says they have beaten all the teams in OVW and that they want a rematch for the tag titles. They make fun of Adrenaline. They say they are the best team in the history of OVW. They say if Cornette refuses, they wont kick his ass, they’ll release Trudy DeNucci on them. Then the Disciples of Synn come to the ring. Bane says that the Disciples were running OVW before they even became a team. Bane says they’ve never beaten them. Synn makes fun of Trudy DeNucci. Cornette makes this match and the winner gets a Southern Tag Team Title shot.

Main Event: Nova and The Idol (w/ Trudy DeNucci) vs. The Disciples of Synn (Seven and Bane) (w/ Synn)

Match Sequence: The DOS run to the ring and destroy Nova and Idol. Bane picks up Nova and starts with a hotshot and slams Nova’s head into the announce table in a SICK spot. The DOS double team Idol when Nova runs to the ring for the save. Bane leaves the ring to chase Nova and Nova throws powder in Bane’s eyes. Idol and Nova attack Seven and Trudy takes out Synn. Nova gets a one count of a move we didn’t see in the ring. Nova tags in Idol and they hit a double suplex. It gets a two with Bane interfering. Idol and Nova switch off, working over Seven. Nova drops Seven with a Russian Legsweep for a 2. Nova drops knees into Seven’s back and then stretches his back in a submission. Seven attempts to break it and gets thrown to the ground and has his face stomped. Idol gets tagged in. Crowd chants “Nova.” Idol locks in the same stretching submission Nova had locked in seconds earlier. Seven kicks Idol in the gut but Idol punches him. Idol tags in Nova and Idol gets whipped into the ropes and got taken out. Nova attempts to splash and gets wiped out too. Bane gets teh tag and dominates everyone. Bane hits a sidewalk slam but the ref is too distracted. Trudy attempts to break the cover, but Synn runs in. Both teams and managers brawl relentlessly. Security runs in and attempts to break it up. DeNucci is bad ass. The Disciples of Synn are left standing tall in the ring as we go off the air.

Rating: This was pretty good stuff, quite chaotic. *** There was a general lack of long term selling of moves that should’ve taken out some wrestlers (Nova’s table bump in the beginning, Synn having her head slammed into the wall, Bane getting powder thrown into his eyes). That brought down the rating quite a bit.

Overall: This was a really good show with Jeter and Grenier starting it off hot, but Impact and Ron Steel slowed everything down. The main event was good stuff as well. I am looking forward to next week.

NEXT WEEK:

Standing Thunder and Alexis Laree vs. Mark Magnus and Nikita, loser of the fall is fired.