411’s TNA Impact Report 01.08.09

Mike Tenay and Don West welcome us to the Impact Zone after the usual bells and whistles and they run down the card for Genesis before telling us that tonight we’re going to see Kurt Angle taking on Jeff Jarrett’s friend BG James, as well Awesome Kong in action before they throw it to the ring for the first bout of the night!!

Match One: X Division Championship Tournament Semifinal
Alex Shelley w/Chris Sabin vs. Eric Young

Random Impact Observation #1: Young needs to get rid of that faux-hawk thingie that he’s rocking. It makes him look like a tool and it’s hard to take anyone seriously with a hairstyle like that. The more he can do to change his look to get people to forget his goofy past, the better.

Referee Shane Sewell gets things underway and Shelley charges in quickly but gets caught in a powerslam that scores a quick two-count for Young. Shelley takes over and tries a tornado DDT, but Young reverses it into a bridging suplex for another two-count. Young hits a drop toehold and heads to the apron for a springboard, but Sabin drags Young off the apron. Shelley fakes a slingshot over the top, landing on the apron and hitting a HUGE knee on Young off the apron. Shelley back into the ring and he hits a SUICIDE DIVE through the ropes, sending Young crashing into the barricade. Shelley sends Young back into the ring and goes to the top for a swank-looking flying cross-bodyblock for a two-count. Shelley moves to a reverse chinlock and picks Young up for a snap mare into a kick to the back. Bootrake across the eyes from Shelley and he follows that up with some knees to the body before chopping Young down to the mat. Octopus submission hold from Shelley and he lets it go to try for a running charge, but Young stops the momentum with an elbow and a series of elbowdrops before going up to the second rope for a kneedrop that misses. Shelley hits a kneelift into an enziguri and grabs Young for a tornado DDT off of the second rope!! There’s the cover…1….2…Young baaaaaarely kicks out. Mule kick to the gut by Shelley and he tries for Sliced Bread, but Young reverses out of it, catching his breath for a moment before taking a superkick in the chops. Shelley tries a charging monkeyflip, but Young lands on his feet and counters with a superkick of his own. Irish whip reversal and Young flips over the turnbuckles to the apron, sliding under the rope and catching Shelley with a big powerslam before heading to the top rope. Picture-perfect elbowdrop from the top rope and Young gets a long, LONG two-count before trying for a death valley driver. Shelley drops behind and tries a roll-up, but Young reverses and pushes Shelley right into Sabin on the apron for a roll-up that gets two. Shelley kicks Young halfway through the ropes and Sabin hits a dropkick to the face that stuns Young!! He turns around right into SLICED BREAD!! 1..2…3…Shelley meets Sabin in the finals!!

Winner: Alex Shelley (pinfall, Sliced Bread) ***

(Great match with a ton of action. Shame they couldn’t give them a real finish, but I suppose that’s to be expected since they had Sabin at ringside and it plays into the Guns and their conniving, scheming gimmick. Shelley was in total control for most of the match and kept a great pace going which made this one really entertaining. More time and they probably would have gotten an even higher rating. All that being said, I can’t wait to see Sabin/Shelley this Sunday as that one could be fucking epic.)

After the match, Sheik Abdul Bashir comes down the ramp at the same time that Shane Sewell is coming up. Bashir slaps Sewell in the face twice and then lays him out with a big right hand. Bashir throws him into the barricade and hammers away with right hands before throwing him into the ring. HUGE stomps from Bashir and he picks Sewell up for a forearm, but Sewell ducks under and bounces off the ropes!! HUGE flying forearm from Sewell!! RIGHT HANDS!! SEWELL TELLS BASHIR TO SUCK IT!! Bashir charges and Sewell lowbridges him and sends him to the floor. Sewell follows him out and hammers away with chops against the barricade before throwing Bashir back into the ring. Bashir begs off, but Sewell hits him with a big kick and tries an Irish whip, but Bashir takes the low road to escape to the ramp. Referee Earl Hebner comes down to ringside, as does Jim Cornette. Cornette dresses down Sewell for putting his hands on Bashir, telling him that the next time he laid his hands on a TNA wrestler, it was going to be his job and that he has to honor his word. He fires Sewell and Bashir stands on the top turnbuckle celebrating to Allah or whoever. Cornette starts tongue-lashing Bashir, accusing him of using the system and instigating while using Cornette to do his dirty work. Cornette says that Shane Sewell is fired…..for three days. As of Sunday at Genesis, Sewell is back on the TNA payroll as a wrestler and he’ll be in the ring with Sheik Abdul Bashir!! Bashir goes crazy and the crowd loves every second of it!! From there we cut to the back and see the Main Event Mafia making their entrance in the bowels of the Impact Zone!! They’re on their way to the ring!! Commercial!!!!!!!!

After the break, we hear that familiar music and out comes Kurt Angle and the rest of the Main Event Mafia!

Random Impact Observation #2: How silly is it for TNA to have the Main Event Mafia being run by Kurt Angle when they have the guy that holds the TNA World Heavyweight Championship in their group. If there’s anything we should have learned from The Four Horsemen, the nWo and Evolution, it’s that the guy that has the belt has the power. Sting has the belt and as such, should be in charge.

Angle starts talking about a shift in power coming at Genesis and that the MEM was formed because they wanted to decide where the business was going and to be leaders with honor, respect and dignity. He promises that on January 11th, their vision will become the new reality. He also tells Jeff Jarrett that tonight, his friend’s blood is going to be on his hands as he’s thrown BG James to the wolves. Angle says that there’s only going to be Jarrett and himself in the ring at Genesis and that he feels giddy at the prospect of being the man that’s going to hurt Jarrett and that he’s going to be the man that will bring Jarrett down for good. Angle also tells Jarrett that he feels sorry for him because he didn’t give him any other options or any way out. Angle swears that Jarrett’s whole world will come to an end at Genesis. We cut away to Jarrett’s office and he looks distraught. Sting cuts in now, talking about how he never had anything personal against Rhino until he decided to side against the MEM. He says that he swore that he would get respect and dignity no matter how much blood was shed and that there’s a war and that the war will only end when they get their respect. He says that it’s going to be Showtime at Genesis. Nash takes the mic and says that he doesn’t think that the war between the Frontline and MEM will be over at Genesis. He talks about how his father talked to him when he was younger and that since they’ve started they’ve taken out whoever they’ve wanted to whenever they’ve wanted to. Nash says why wait until Genesis and that tonight they need to take out Mick and Jeff. Scott Steiner gets on the mic and says that Mick laid out the first blows which means that he’s no longer untouchable. Booker and his crazy-looking Whoopi Goldberg hairbun grab the mic and he echoes the same threats as everyone else, adding that their punkasses belong to the Mafia, and can you dig that?

We head to the back and JB has Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley in Jarrett’s office and before Jarrett can get anything out, Brother Devon and AJ Styles come in to say that they’ve got Jarrett and Foley’s back. Devon presents Foley with Brother Ray’s plaid vest, saying that Ray wanted him to have it. Styles says that Jarrett took a chance to start TNA and because of that he can do what he loves to do for a living. He promises to be behind Jarrett and to have his back no matter what.

Random Impact Observation #3: This is one of the things that just bugs me about TNA. Kurt Angle comes through and cuts a SERIOUS money promo on Jarrett and it goes over like gangbusters. Instead of ending the thing with Angle looking intensely into the camera after laying down the law, they play hot potato with the microphone and everyone else gets to say essentially the same thing to completely deaden the impact of Angle’s strong promo. Then they head on and get Jarrett and Foley to talk too, making Angle’s mic work feel even more lost in the shuffle. Only TNA can be great and maddening all in the same segment.

After the break, we head out to a pre-taped segment with Lauren out on the farm with “Sarah Palin” and The Beautiful People and they’re freaking out standing next to a goat or something as Palin tells them that they need to do some charity work before getting to the White House. Palin talks about how horse manure is great for growing tomatoes and that they need to shovel it and recycle it. Velvet Sky doesn’t know what horseshit is because she obviously hasn’t been watching her own segments and starts to throw up as we cut back to the Impact Zone.

Match Two: TNA Knockouts Match
Madison Rayne vs. Awesome Kong w/Raisha Saeed, Rahka Kahn and Sojournor Bolt

Rayne is making her TNA debut and she couldn’t have picked a worse opponent. Kong comes down the ramp snarling and holding an 8×10 of Christy Hemme before turning her attention to Rayne. Kong shoves her into a corner and tries a forearm, but Rayne ducks it. They repeat the same sequence and Rayne hits a few shots, bouncing off the ropes with a dropkick that doesn’t move Kong. Rayne off the ropes again with a charge and Kong just VADERS her down to the mat. Hair mare from Kong and she follows it up by standing on Rayne’s face in the corner before whipping her across for an AVALANCHE!! Kong lays in some boots and grabs Rayne by the hair before flinging her out to the floor. Bolt grabs her on the outside and throws her right back into the ring for Kong to hit a short-arm clothesline. Kong picks her up and hits THE AWESOME BOMB!! Someone get that bitch a spatula cause she’s a PANCAKE!! 1-2-3 and it’s done.

Winner: Awesome Kong (pinfall, Awesome Bomb) *

(Total squash that only gets an extra half a star for the extra zazz that Kong put on that Awesome Bomb)

Lauren’s in the back with Abyss and Abyss says that Matt Morgan’s mad at him and done talking to him. Abyss says that Beer Money took advantage of him with the booze and made Morgan mad at him, but that he’s going to make things right at Genesis. Don’t mistake his kindness for weakness because he’s going to make things better, even if it means reverting back to the “old” Abyss. He starts to scare Lauren and then apologizes to her, asking if she’s mad at him. She’s not and he’s relieved because he couldn’t stand to see his girlfriend and his best friend mad at him. Nice to see that they’re continuing down the “just like Kane” path with Abyss, as per usual.

Random Commercial Observation #1: What the fuck is up with that Shamwow guy’s eyebrow? He looks like Two-Face or something. I like that Magic Chopper one he does even better, just because of the line “You’re gonna love my nuts” while he uses that damn thing with his crazy eyebrow. That shit kills me every time.

We’re back from the break with Lauren and she’s got LAX with her. She congratulates them for their luck in the Feast or Fired match and Homicide says that they’re happy to have the briefcases and that they’re going to lay back to see who the champions are after Genesis. He says that the Gringo Killer is on his way to take whoever the champion is, no matter who it is. Homicide addresses the rumors that LAX might break up by ripping off Ric Flair and saying that diamonds are forever and so is LAX. From there, Tenay and West are at the desk to run down the card for Genesis and it actually looks like a half-decent card. If they can keep the Knockouts crap to a minimum and not over-book everything it should be good stuff.

JB is in the back with the Motor City Machine Guns and he asks them if the X Division Championship will get between them. Sabin mocks him and says it’s a tough question before Shelley interrupts him and gets in a great line about mistaking Mick Foley for Duke “The Dumpster” Droese because he smells like garbage. He also says that great things come in pairs including rock and roll, Mick Foley and hypocrisy and Mick Foley and poor hygiene. He says that nothing can come between the MCMG’s and is set to go on, but Mick Foley comes in and says that they will have the match of their lives at Genesis because he doesn’t have the time to worry about them stinking up the card while he has a match to prepare for. He tells them that they could tear the house down and steal the show, but they could also reach Kazmaier/Oz levels of suckitude. He tells them that if they don’t put their all into the match and decide to sandbag it, he’s going to send them packing back to Detroit and they’ll NEVER get another X Division Championship match again.

After the break we get the 2008 TNA Year in Review video again with some great highlights and some of the stinkers that you tend to expect from TNA as well.

Rough Cuts is back and they’re still talking about Beer Money and their future. Storm and Roode both agree that they’re the best and that they plan on being the best for a long time because they’re having so much fun. Storm says that he wants to be the TNA World Champion someday and that’s still one of his main goals. Robert Roode mentions that he doesn’t want to overstay his welcome in wrestling and that he’s still got his goals but he also knows that it won’t last forever. Storm talks about spending time with his daughter once he retires, while Roode says that he wants to be remembered as one of the top wrestlers of all-time and that he was always entertaining. Storm says he wants people to remember him as a tough SOB that entertained the hell out of the people. That leads us right into our upcoming bout!

Match Three:
Robert Roode w/”Cowboy” James Storm and Jacqueline vs. Matt Morgan w/Abyss

Morgan rips off Brock Lesnar’s former entrance and then tells Abyss to stand in the corner and not fuck anything up. Roode attacks from behind before the bell and lays in some stomps and chops on Morgan before trying an Irish whip. Morgan blocks it and pushes Roode into the corner for some HEAVY back elbows to the head before whipping Roode into the ropes. He tries the Carbon Footprint, but Roode slips out under the ropes to the floor. Morgan follows him out and rams him into the barricade before hitting a pair of massive chops to the chest. Morgan rolls into the ring and Roode tries to bail up the ramp, but Abyss grabs him and runs him headfirst into Storm on the outside before sending Roode back into the ring. Referee Rudy Charles is out on the ramp with Abyss and in the ring Jacqueline goes to the eyes of Morgan, allowing Roode to hit a big neckbreaker and a trio of elbowdrops. All of that offense only manages to get Roode a one-count and he looks a little spooked. Roode rams Morgan’s head into the top turnbuckle and hits a Blockbuster for a long two-count, turning to a reverse chinlock afterwards. Morgan fights to his feet and rams Roode into the corner to break the hold, but Roode kicks him in the face and heads up to the second rope. Roode gets caught off the ropes and Morgan hits a big inverted atomic drop, following it up with a clothesline and a dropkick before hitting the CARBON FOOTPRINT!!! Storm’s up on the apron and Morgan catches him with a big right hand that puts him down to the floor. Roode charges Morgan and he eats a back-bodydrop over the top rope, with Roode landing wrong and hurting his knee. Roode hobbles around on the outside and they call for the trainer to check out his knee, with the referee out to check on the situation. Roode tells the referee that he can’t go on and the referee calls for the bell!! After the stoppage, here comes Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal and they have their briefcase with them to possibly take advantage of the injury!!

Winner: Matt Morgan (referee’s stoppage, Roode knee injury) *1/2

(A lot of stilted action and a screwy finish made for a fairly bland match in this one. There wasn’t a lot of flow and it was barely started before they were into the finishing sequence. When you add in the shenanigans with the briefcase, it shows that this was nothing more than a match to advance an angle. Bleah.)

Lethal gets on the microphone after the commercial break and says that since the champions are in perfect health, they figured it’s the perfect time to cash in their shot and that means that it’s time for a title match!!

Match Four: TNA World Tag Team Championship
Consequences Creed and “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. Beer Money Inc (c)

Storm and Creed get things underway with Creed taking the advantage with his speed. Lethal and Creed are both in the ring now, hammering away on Storm with jabs before leveling him with stereo right hands. Cover from Creed and there’s a two-count. Storm pokes Creed in the eye and tries an Irish whip, but charges right into a boot and eats a clothesline for another two-count. Roode cheers on from the floor as Lethal tags in and he and Creed hit a double-team sunset flip into a neckbreaker that gets two. Lethal to the top rope and he hits a double-axehandle that scores another two-count before tagging in Creed for more double-team offense. Creed hits a springboard bulldog on Storm for a two-count, but Storm follows with a jawbreaker to stop the momentum. Creed sends Storm to the floor and he hits a baseball slide dropkick as Lethal blind-tags in. Creed up on the apron to try a springboard, but Storm drags him off to the floor. Lethal comes charging in and HAMMERS STORM WITH A SUICIDE DIVE!! Lethal rolls Storm in and gets a two-count before tagging Creed back in for a huge bodyslam. Morgan and Abyss stand at the top of the ramp looking pissed and wondering what this could do to their title match on Sunday as Creed heads up to the top and Jacqueline gets up on the apron to distract the ref. Using the distraction, Robert Roode crotches Creed on the top rope!! Storm gets a two-count and we’re off to a commercial!!

Back from the break and Storm is in charge, taking Creed down with a huge clothesline before tagging in Roode. Roode hobbles through the ropes and they hit a double-vertical suplex on Creed before Roode picks him up for a big short-arm clothesline. Roode hammers Lethal off the apron to the floor and as Lethal tries to get into the ring, Beer Money make an illegal switch. Storm throws Creed out to the floor and Jackie just WAYLAYS him with a ton of punches and knees before flipping him back into the ring. Storm gets another long two-count off of that and knocks Creed into the corner with a big headbutt. Roode tries to hold Creed in place for a charge, but Creed ducks out and Storm knocks Roode off the apron!! Big shoulderblock from Creed and both men are down!! Creed backflips over Storm and MAKES THE HOT TAG TO LETHAL!! RIGHT HANDS!! FLYING FOREARM! CLOTHESLINES FROM LETHAL!! Lethal hits a big dropkick and covers….1…..2….NOOOOOOO!!! Storm barely rolls a shoulder!!! Lethal heads out to the apron and tries a springboard, but Storm moves out of the way and then picks Lethal up for the EYE OF THE STORM!! He covers and gets a long, LOOOOOONG two-count off of that, looking extremely frustrated. Storm picks Lethal up and hits a huge right hand, but misses the Backstabber allowing Lethal to hit the Lethal Combination!! Lethal’s up top and he hits the MACHO ELBOWDROP!! The referee is distracted as Jackie is on the apron with Consequences Creed and HERE COMES ROBERT ROODE!! He’s got the briefcase and he’s going to try to take out Lethal!! Lethal dropkicks the knee and Roode hits the case face-first!!! Lethal picks up the case and WAFFLES STORM IN THE FACE!! THERE’S THE COVER! THERE’S THE THREE-COUNT!! WE HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS!!

Winners and NEW TNA World Tag Team Champions: Consequences Creed and “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal (pinfall, Lethal briefcase shot on Storm) **1/2

(A fun little match and it was cool to see Lethal and Creed take advantage of the stips of the briefcase, but after seeing it happen so often in the WWE it felt like a bit of a retread. I also don’t like that they took the titles off of Beer Money to essentially give them to a makeshift, thrown together team. Nothing outwardly bad about the match, but there was only so much that they could do with things essentially two-on-one and they’ve essentially muddied up the angle they had built up to Genesis.)

We come back from the break and after we see the highlights of the title change, we head to the TNA Frontline locker room and the celebration for Lethal and Creed. Lethal talks about how they’re a better team than Rocky Johnson and Tony Atlas while Creed mentions that Styles, Devon and Rhino have been an inspiration to them. They actually have a cool catchphrase as they say that from now on, the Consequences will be Lethal. Devon says he’s proud of them and that they know what they have at stake when it comes to Genesis. He tells Lauren that it’s Lethal and Creed’s moment and he wants to let them have it. We head further into the back and Jeff Jarrett’s talking to BG James, trying to get him out of the match with Angle tonight. James is emotional, saying that he’s going to be the one to shut that son of a bitch Angle up after all of the things he’s said about Jarrett’s wife and kids. He tells Jarrett that he appreciates his concern and everything he’s done for him, but that if he’s going to lay his head down on his pillow and look himself in the mirror, he has to do this and he has to be a man tonight.

After the break, we’re back on the farm with the Beautiful People and Sarah Palin and the slores are gagging away and saying that they won’t forget this for a very long time. Angelina says that none of this feels right, their clothes, their makeup, having to talk to people and touching the “marks”. Palin says she knows that they’re used to getting their way because of their looks, but that it doesn’t work that way in Washington. Palin says that next week they’ll sign documents to officially make them members of her Cabinet and that they’ll be on their way to the White House. The slores celebrate and get so excited that they slip and fall in the horse poop. Har dee har har.

Random Impact Observation #4: Remember what I just said about loving and hating TNA at the same time. Yeah, that’s totally applying again because they just undid everything cool they did with the BG/Jarrett stuff before the break by having that stupid nonsense with the skanks after it. And by the way, fuck TNA for using “inside” terms and trying to sound all cool. Stupid on multiple levels.

Match Five:
BG James vs. Kurt Angle

James makes his entrance first and hides in the shadows of the ramp to attack Angle after Angle’s usual entrance. James beats the hell out of Angle down the ramp and through the ringside area, whipping Agnle into the barricade before Angle goes to the eyes to break the momentum. Huge right hands from Angle, but James blocks one and knocks Angle down with some right hands of his own. Irish whip from James and Angle reverses it, sending James head-first into the ringpost!!! Angle finally gets to pull up his singlet and James is busted wide open on the floor!! Mounted punches from Angle on James and we’re off to a commercial break!!

Angle’s choking the hell out of James against the second rope after the break and he pulls James up for a huge vertical suplex that gets a two-count. Reverse chinlock by Angle as he cranks on James’ neck as we get closeups of James’ bloody face. James fights to his feet and gets free, but eats a big knee to the gut from Angle that gets another long two-count. Angle goes back to the reverse chinlock as Tenay and West give some great backstory on James and Jarrett and their family’s history together. James breaks free again and tries to get out of the hold, but Angle goes to the eyes again. James ducks under a clothesline and hits the trademarks jabs into the Shake Rattle and Roll kneedrop for a two-count. He hits a HUGE pumphandle slam on Angle for another two-count, but Angle goes right into an Anklelock attempt. James kicks free of it and tries a charge into the corner, but Angle gets out of the way and HITS AN ANGLE SLAM OUT OF NOWHERE!! 1…..2…JAMES ROLLS THE SHOULDER!! Angle looks pissed and DOWN COME THE STRAPS!! Angle grabs a German suplex, but James fights it before finally taking a huge German suplex with Angle holding on. James fights free with elbows to the face and tries for a piledriver, but Angle back-bodydrops him over and CARTWHEELS INTO A TRANSITION FOR THE ANKLELOCK!! Holy shit, that was tremendous!!! James drags himself over to the ropes, but Angle drags him away, dropping down and scissoring the leg!! James fights it and fights it, but HE FINALLY TAPS OUT!!

Winner: Kurt Angle (submission, Anklelock) ***

(An unexpectedly great main event matchup. I didn’t think James would be able to hang with Angle after being out of action for so long, but Angle did well enough to carry him to a solid match that had the crowd behind it fully. Good match and a good finish with Angle finally getting the better of the emotional James with his calculating wrestling style)

Post-match, the Main Event Mafia are on their way to the ringside area and they slide a chair into the ring. Angle wraps the chair around James’ ankle and PILLMANIZES IT REPEATEDLY!!! They lay a beating on James and HERE COMES JEFF JARRETT AND MICK FOLEY!! The MEM backs out up the ramp and as Jarrett and Foley check on James, the ring fills with security and medical officials to tend to James and his shattered ankle. Angle looks into the camera on the ramp and promises to break Jarrett’s ankle at Genesis.

We come back from the break and we see BG James getting wheeled off on a gurney as Jeff Jarrett sits on a chair in the middle of the ring with Mick Foley, Brother Devon and AJ Styles with him. Jarrett calls out to Kurt Angle and tells him that words can’t describe how he feels right now. He says that the issue was between the two of them and that it had nothing to do with Brian. As the leader of TNA, Jarrett says he’s prided himself on setting the example to do things the right way every time because he has character. He says that this Sunday, all he can think of is beating the shit out of Angle. He looks into the camera and says that he’s talking right to Kurt, before cursing at him again. Mick Foley takes the microphone away from Jarrett and tries to calm him down in the corner before saying that with so much emotion going on in the ring and with BG sacrificing himself for the well-being of his friend, he feels ashamed. Foley feels ashamed because two weeks ago he looked up at the Main Event Mafia and told them that at Genesis he was going to cross the line. He says that he saw his face on the TNATron and that he thought that he looked pretty bad on the high-definition screen. He brings up how his beard is going grey and his skin is looking haggard, but then he remembered why things are the way they are. He remembers that his tooth is grey because he lost it in one of the most famous matches in wrestling history when it was jammed up his nose. He says that all of those things make him who he is today and that while he might be a little slower and a lot uglier, he is still the Hardcore Legend and at Genesis, the Legend comes home. He talks about how he’s going to draw strength from both Brother Devon and AJ Styles, calling Styles the gutsiest performer of this generation. He warns the Mafia that he may not be as good as he once was, but for one night he’ll be as good as he ever was. Jarrett gets up from the chair and gives him a huge hug as we cut to a video package of all of the Main Event Mafia’s carnage and the BIG final push for Genesis!! We’re out from Orlando!!