411’s WWE Raw Report 02.27.06

Last Monday Vince McMahon set up a 4-on-1 match with Shawn Michaels taking on the Spirit Squad. Shawn got some Sweet Chin Music, but then the entire Spirit Squad attacked and got DQ’ed. Marty saved his life, and now Marty has to kiss Vince’s ass if he wants to join the WWE.

Cue the Raw intro. Cue pyrotechnics. Cue thousands of screaming fans. All this can only mean one thing – MONDAY NIGHT RAW!

Joey Styles welcomes us to another edition of Raw LIVE from Washington D.C. Coach tells us about his exclusive interview with John Cena tonight. King tells us about the WWE Women’s Title match featuring Trish and Candace.

**You think you know me…..**

Edge and Lita appear from a cloud of smoke and make their way to the ring. Uhhh…I’m pretty sure I just saw Lita’s nipple.

Edge on the mic: Times up Mick Foley. It’s been a week since I challenged you – you and me, Edge and Foley at Wrestlemania. So what is it? Yes or no? You see I don’t know what you’ve got planned for April 2nd. I don’t know if you’re gonna whore yourself out at another indy show. I don’t know if you’re gonna write another book that nobody’s gonna read. But surely this has to be your best option. So what’s it gonna be, Mick? What is it gonna be? Just like I thought….baby, get the tickets out. You see what Lita is holding in her hands is two plane tickets to Long Island. And Mick we can be there by midnight. And I’ll do it – I’ll do it because I should be main eventing at Wrestlemania and it’s your fault that I’m not. So Mick – if you’re not man enough to show up then it looks like Lita and I are gonna have to make ourselves a little house call.

**Foley’s music hits**

Mick Foley is here with a microphone.

Foley: Edge, you’ve got it all wrong. It’s not that I’m not man enough to come all the way to…Washington D.C. It’s just that it was you that lost to John Cena at the Royal Rumble. It was you that lost to John Cena two weeks ago on Raw. So if you’re looking for someone to blame Edge. Don’t blame me, blame yourself. Because you had it and you…choked.

Edge: The only choking that’s gonna happen is my hands on your throat at Wrestlemania 22. So what is it – yes or no? Yes or no, Foley?

Foley: No – you see awhile back you called me a transitional champion. But it so happens I was a transitional champion on three separate occasions therefore making me the greatest transitional champion of all time. So I’m saying no because I have nothing to prove to you…

Edge: Yeah – nothing to prove. That’s right, because you’re the great Mick Foley. (FOLEY chants) Shut up! Well if I’m the Rated R Superstar…..then you’re Rated O. Rated O for Overrated. You see Mick – you’re not gonna be remembered for your three title wins. Oh, you’ll be remembered for three things. Number one – having your ear ripped off. Number two – being thrown off the Hell in a Cell. And number three showing up in Vince McMahon’s hospital room with a damn sock puppet. Mick, Mick – you’re pathetic! And Mick – you do have a lot to prove because you’ve never won at Wrestlemania.

Foley: That’s not true, Edge.

Edge: It is true – you’ve had your countouts and disqualifications and dumpster matches that nobody even remembers. But you’ve never had that classic, legend making Wrestlemania performance that you crave. Yeah, it’s true folks. But me – the Rated R Superstar, I’ve never lost at Wrestlemania. Oh yeah – triangle ladder matches, TLC matches, Money in the Bank matches – I won in my hometown of Toronto. But that’s ok Mick. I get it now. Tuck your tail between your legs because you know if you fought me at Wrestlemania, you’d lose!

Foley: You’re right – if I had a wrestling match with you at Wrestlemania I would lose. You’re younger, you’re in better shape, and apparently you care a whole hell of a lot more about me than I do about you. But you’re right – I’ve never had that one defining Wrestlemania moment. I’ve known it for a long time. So while I reject your challenge for a wrestling match at Wrestlemania – I’d like to challenge you to another match. Where there are no rules, no disqualifications, and no excuses! So, here’s my offer – you and me at Wrestlemania in a hardcore match! What’s it gonna be Edge? Yes or no? Just in case you need to make up your mind I’m going to give you a little bit of help. (Foley heads to the back and comes back with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire)

Foley comes to the ring, but Edge and Lita hit the road into the crowd and out of the building.

Big Show and Kane walk in the back. They will defend the titles NEXT!

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We’re back.

**Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeelll……Well it’s the Big Show – BOOOM**

The tag team champions – Big Show and Kane – make their way to the ring. And their challengers in the ring…

Val Venis and Viscera.

Match 1: Big Show and Kane vs. Val Venis and Viscera

Val slides under a lockup and lands a few rights to Kane. That doesn’t faze him so he goes off the ropes and attempts a clothesline. That doesn’t faze him again so he tries again, but he gets a big clothesline from Kane. Kane with a series of uppercuts in the corner staggers Val. Val whipped from buckle to buckle, comes off, and walks into Kane’s patented side slam. Kane looks for a vertical suplex, but Val slides off the back and lands a knee chop. Val off the ropes and lands a bulldog. Kane sits up so Val tags to Vis. Vis in the ring and he’s getting pounded on. Vis backed into the buckle and Kane rushes into him with a clothesline. Vis gains control and sends Kane off the ropes – Samoan Drop, GOT IT! Cover gets 2. Headbutts from Vis. Kane off the ropes again and he lands a big boot. Tag to Show. Show off the ropes, ducks under a clothesline and lands a flying shoulder block. Val in the ring and he gets some clotheslines from Show. Show with a boot to Vis and now a BODY SLAM! Off the ropes comes Show and he lands a leg drop. Cover is broken up at two by Val. Kane off the ropes and lands a clothesline on Val for his troubles. Clothesline by Kane sends Val to the outside. Double chokeslam on Viscera! Cover and that’s all.

WINNERS: Big Show and Kane (3:25)

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The Burger King Slam of the Week was Shelton Benjamin’s IC title victory last week.

Todd Grisham’s guest at this time is “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair. Todd says many feel that will be the last championship ever wins again. Flair says people thought he was done fifteen years ago, and he says he has another title run in him.

Marty Janetty is in the back. Shawn Michaels comes up behind him and apologizes to Marty for getting caught up in all of this. Marty says it’s not his fault. Marty says what is happening now is something that is helping himself. Marty says he has never kissed ass, and he doesn’t want to do that now. Marty says things are different now, and he doesn’t have a job or a car. Marty tells Shawn to stay out of this one.

Maria is with Carlito who has an announcement. Carlito speaks some Spanish. Maria doesn’t understand it so Carlito tosses her a line. Carlito says he just got done speaking with Vince McMahon and got permission to do the second Money in the Bank match at WM 22. Maria wants to know who will be in the match. Carlito says there will be three qualifying matches. Nobody will know who they will be facing – Carlito says he is going to win his match and he’ll go on to WM. And that….that’s cool.

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Wrestlemania XXII is 34 days away.

The following match is a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match. Currently in the ring, Trevor Murdoch.

**RVD’s music hits**

And making his way to the ring, from Battle Creek, Michigan – Rob….Van….Dam.

Match 2: Trevor Murdoch vs. Rob Van Dam

Murdoch attacks before the bell. Murdoch sends RVD into the other corner, RVD hops up and over Murdoch and lands a leg sweep. Murdoch lands a cheap shot and stars to pound away on RVD. RVD slides of a body slam and lands a dropkick to the legs of Murdoch. RVD off the ropes – Murdoch grabs his leg, step through by RVD, and hooks the leg. Murdoch slides to the outside and gets a dropkick from RVD. RVD to the top rope, comes off, and meets nothing but the barricade. Murdoch rolls him in, covers, but his feet are underneath the ropes so he has to break it up. Big clubbing blow by Murdoch. Murdoch locks in a camel clutch. Someone tell me again why the hell Cade and Murdoch broke up? RVD chants ring throughout the crowd. RVD working his way out of the camel clutch, but Murdoch slams him back first into the mat and lands a splash. Cover gets 2. Back headlock locked in by Murdoch. Another RVD chant as RVD works out of the headlock. RVD up and off the ropes, but he runs right into a massive clothesline from Murdoch. Cover gets another 2. Back headlock by Murdoch is locked in again. RVD up and Murdoch sends him into the corner, but meets a size 10 from RVD. Murdoch whiffs on a clothesline again so RVD takes advantage and lands a spinning heel kick. Whip by RVD from corner to corner – rolling thunder maneuver. Dropkick by RVD – ROLLING THUNDER! Cover gets another two. Murdoch goes for a back suplex, but RVD slides off and lands a windmill kick to the face. RVD to the top – FIVE STAR! That’s all. RVD is going to Wrestlemania.

WINNER: Rob Van Dam (4:53)

Women’s title match is next.

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The WWE went somewhere.

Mickie James is in the ring.

Mickie on the mic: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the greatest WWE Women’s champion in WWE history and my best friend, Trish Stratus.

**Heeeehahahahahahehehehhee**

The above is Trish’s opening to her music – ain’t that beautiful. Trish Stratus makes her way to the ring. Mickie helps Trish through the ropes and mimics her routine.

**You’re not enough for me…..**

Torrie Wilson comes out with a mic in hand.

Wilson: Trish is all fine and dandy, but I want everyone to get up on their feet for the next Playboy cover girl and the next WWE Women’s champion – Candice Michelle.

**Let me show you how to rock your body…**

Candice Michelle makes her way to the ring. I knew I was right in the spelling of Candice. Damn, I’m good.

Match 3: Trish Stratus vs. Candice Michelle

Candice attacks Trish with the wand as Torrie was distracting the referee. Kicks from Candice. Candice puts a boot in the neck of Trish. Big knees from Candice. Candice takes this time to do the Go Daddy dance, but Trish takes advantage of it and drops Candice. Trish rains down some bare knuckles. MaTrish by Trish and a big clothesline. Cover gets two. More forearms from Trish. Trish chokes out Candice with her boots this time. Candice pulls of f a leg sweep out of nowhere dropping Trish on the bottom rope. Candice chokes her out now with the bottom rope. Candice slams Trish’s head into the mat. And again. End this please. Trish off the ropes – sunset flip, but Candice grabs the ropes. 1…2…the ref sees Candice getting leverage from Torrie so he stops the count. Trish finally completes the sunset flip and gets the three count.

WINNER: Trish Stratus (2:11)

Mickie James comes into the ring and does the “I’m not worthy” praise of Trish. Mickie puts her head in Trish’s pussy and grabs tight. Trish finally shoves her off, and heads out of the ring. Mickie is bewildered!

Coach will interview John Cena next.

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During the break Torrie was apologizing to Candice in the back. Then Candice slapped the spit out of Torrie.

Coach is in the ring with a microphone.

Coach: Ladies and gentlemen, at this time let me introduce to you, the WWE Champion – John Cena.

**Cena’s music hits**

John Cena is here. It sounds to me like a mixed reaction. I’m booing from here.

Coach: Cena, Cena….last week Triple H won the right to face you at WM for the WWE Title. Triple H could be your greatest challenger to date. Triple H is a ten-time world champion. Triple H is arguably the greatest wrestler alive today. I mean..I mean…you don’t really think you have a chance do you. I mean – Triple H taking the title from you is like taking candy fro-

Cena grabs the mic from coach. Just before Cena can get the chance to talk we hear…

**It’s time to play the game….**

Triple H is obviously here, and he slowly makes his way to the ring.

Triple H on the mic: Coach…..Coach – go ahead and take a seat over there, I think I can handle this one. (Coach listens) John Ceeeeeena (Boos) – the champ. John before you answer Coach’s question I want you to think about what he just told you. I know you don’t need Coach to tell you how great I am, but please, please, please tell me that you weren’t just about to tell the whole world that you can beat me.

Cena: You gon’ come at me like that, man. Look here – it’s like this. I’ve been here four years. Now, I know that four years ago when I walked my ass through that door you probably looked at me and said – that jackoff won’t last two weeks. Well, I did. Lasted long enough to get me a main event shot at Wrestlemania twenty-two (boos) – against the king of kings, Triple H, for the WWE Championship. I’ll be honest with you man. I don’t have your resume. Like these people – with you – apparently, I don’t have your respect. But going into Wrestlemania there’s one thing that I got that you don’t. I got this (raises the belt to a chorus of boos).

Triple H: Well excuse me if I’m not afraid of the guy whose one big move is pumping up his Reeboks (cheers). You know what – you are the champ. You’re the champ. And you know I heard Mick Foley and Edge out here talking about transitional champion. You know what that is John? A transitional champion happens to be a guy who happens to be at the right place at the right time and happens to get lucky enough to win the title. The whole time the whole world knows it’s just a matter of time before the belt goes back around the waist of the man who truly deserves to wear it (cheers). That, John, is called a transitional champion. And that my friend is all that you are. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want anybody to think that I don’t think that John Cena is tough. Hell, I know you’re tough. I have seen you take some really bad ass-kickings and you just keep getting up and getting up and getting up – and you never quit. You’re like Rocky Balboa in the movies. You’ve got all this passion and heart and desire and dedication. You happen to not be a very good wrestler (cheers), but in the movies Rocky Balboa always finds a way to win. But you know what – this isn’t the movies, John. This is real life, and in real life you can’t beat the bad guy.

Cena: Ahhhh man. I’ve gotta tell you man – thank you. You just won me 50 bucks in the I know what Triple H is going to come down here and say pool. It’s not that you come down here and say the same thing everytime it’s just that I hear that every single time. Let me ask you something homey – what makes you any different from them?

Triple H: I don’t even have to answer that question, and you know it. You already know the answer to that question. You know what the hell makes me different from everybody else you’ve ever faced. And the fact is – the fact is – that looking into your eyes that scares the crap out of you.

Cena: Facts, you want facts. You’re right – I am not the company’s greatest athlete. Fact – you are a ten-time world champion. Fact – you have beaten most every top superstar in this business. Hell, you’re one of the guys who can walk down that ramp without this championship, grab a microphone, tell everybody you’re the best alive, and they look at each other and say you know what he’s right. But if you think that makes me scared or afraid of you – you’ve got your facts twisted homey. You see because on that long line of superstars that you’ve decimated on your way to the top there’s one name that’s not on that list – John Cena (mixture of cheers and boos). That…is…a….FACT!

Vince McMahon appears on the big screen.

Vince: I know you’re going to be facing each other at Wrestlemania, but before that you’re going to be teaming together on Saturday Night’s Main Event. And on that night – representing the main event from Raw you will face the three individuals representing Smackdown in the main event at Wrestlemania. Let’s see – it will be Triple H and John Cena taking on Kurt Angle, Randy Orton, and Rey Mysterio. Good luck to both of you.

Cena and Triple H are downright bewildered as we go to an…

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We’re back and the Walter Reed Medical Center Wounded Troops are here.

**Ain’t no stopping me nooooooooooooooooooooooooo…**

The following match is another Money in the Bank Qualifying Match. Making his way to the ring led by Mama – the Intercontinental Champion – Shelton Benjamin.

**Oooooooooh Chavo**

And making his way to the ring from El Paso, Texas – Chavo Guerrero. God, it would be really sweet to see Chavo in the MITB match, but it probably won’t happen.

Match 4: Shelton Benjamin vs. Chavo Guerrero

Eddie chants. Lockup – knee to the midsection by Shelton. Shelton pounds away on Chavo in the corner. Chavo fighting back with some forearms and rights. Chavo off the ropes flips through a tilt-a-whirl, slides under a missed punch by Shelton, and Shelton throws Chavo really high in there dropping him face first onto the mat. Shelton pounds away on Chavo with some rights. Shelton chokes out Chavo on the top rope letting the world know he is now a full-fledged heel. Snap mare take over into a back headlock by Shelton. Irish whip by Shelton, Shelton tries to drop Chavo face first again, but Chavo lands a big dropkick. Right from Chavo – and again. Big uppercut from Chavo and another series of rights. Chavo and Shelton mess up a bit and Chavo lands a flying forearm. Standing dropkick by Chavo. The crowd is dead – and that’s to obad. Shelton reverses a whip and sends Chavo into the buckle. Stinger splash attempt, but Chavo moves out of the way. Unbelivable tilt-a-whirl head scissors b y Chavo. Vertical suplex by Chavo – and another. Chavo goes for the three amigos, but Shelton counters it and sends Chavo to the outside. Mama is up out of her wheelchair. Shelton follows Chavo to the outside. Chavo pounds away on Shelton as Mama distracts the referee. Shelton rolls Chav back into the ring. Shelton goes for a brainbuster, but Chavo counters that into a DDT. Randy Orton slides into the ring and lands an RKO! Cover and Shelton gets the pin. Shelton qualifies for the MITB match.

Shelton Benjamin (4:07)

Will Marty kiss ass for a WWE contract?

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Bret Hart and Eddie Guerrero will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year. The latest inductee is none other than Mean Gene Okerlund. Well deserved and probably a long time coming if you ask me. Hulk Hogan will be inducting him as well! Don’t forget the Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony will be broadcast on USA on Saturday, April 1st.

Vince is in the back on the phone talking about the Kiss My Ass Club on his cellular telephone. Shawn Michaels comes into the room. Vince says Shawn has come here to witness Marty’s ass kissing. Shawn says it’s between those two only and to leave Marty out of this. Vince says he has had this feeling of power all day long. Vince says Shawn needs to listen to Marty and stay out of it or Shawn might become the next member of the Kiss My Ass club.

**I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool….**

The following contest is a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match. From the Caribbean weighing in at 220 pounds, Carlito!

We’ll find out who is opponent is after this..

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We’re back as Carlito still stands in the ring. Who will be his opponent….

**WOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

From Charlotte, North Carolina – “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair!

Match 5: Carlito vs. Ric Flair

Lockup into a side headlock takedown by Flair. Flair keeps the headlock locked in. Carlito backs him into the ropes and the hold is broken. Carlito off the ropes and lands a shoulder block. Carlito off the ropes again, but Flair lands an arm drag. Side headlock takedown into a cover gets two. And another two count. Carlito rolls it over into a cover of his own which gets a one count. Both men up off the mat now. Carlito backs Flair into the corner. Clean break? Hell nah. Carlito pounds and stomps away on Flair. Carlito with a slap to the face of Flair. Chop by Flair out of nowhere! And again. And another. Again – Carlito off the ropes and Flair lands a back body drop. More chops by Flair. Carlito sent off the ropes, but slides under to the outside as Flair was looking for another chop.

Ad Break (2:44)

Ad Break Ends (5:57)

We’re back with Flair on the outside now. During the break Carlito uses his patented back cracker. Flair with more chops on the outside, Carlito backs away, and Carlito walks into a back body drop. Carlito rolls in and out of the ring. More lefts from Carlito as both men work their way back into the ring. Carlito decides to help Flair into the ring with a textbook vertical suplex. Cover gets two. Carlito continues to work over the tender back of the 57-year old Flair. Flair back to his feet and frees himself with a couple chops. Out of nowhere Carlito lands a beautiful enziguri to the back of the head. Cover gets another two. Carlito struts his stuff. Off the ropes, looks for a big knee drop but Flair moves out of the way. Big chop from Flair. Irish whip by Flair and he lands a back elbow. Carlito receives another chop. WOOOOO! Flair going to the top rope! Carlito up, but Flair lands a thumb to the eye. Flair off the ropes, but Carlito lands a beautiful standing dropkick. Cover gets another two. Carlito rolls to the outside and grabs his apple from Lilian. Carlito takes a bite. Flair lands a big kick to the jaw of Carlito, rolls up Carlito, grabs the ropes and wins the match. Wow, that sucks. Way to shit on Carlito’s push.

WINNER: Ric Flair (9:56)

Vince McMahon stands in the back feeling and showing off his ass. That’s something I didn’t want to see tonight. We’ll find out if Marty is going to kiss his ass NEXT!

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We’re back as The Spirit Squad is in the ring. Their cheer this week is about the Kiss My Ass Club.

**No chance that’s what you’ve got….**

The chairman of the WWE, Vince McMahon, makes his way to the ring.

Vince on the mic: Give it up for the Spirit Squad. The Spirit Squad reminds me a lot of the Rockers. They had that same spirit, that same vibrance, that same enthusiasm. Then they decided to go their separate ways. Everybody knows what happened to Shawn Michaels’ career. He had a meteoric rise to the top becoming one of the best in our industry. Then we have Marty Janetty. His lift has been a downward, daily spiral. Marty’s career will hit rock bottom tonight. Here is the man who will be the newest member of the Kiss My Ass Club tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Marty Janetty.

Marty makes his way to the ring.

Vince: Good to see you. You know last week you looked pretty good last week helping your pal out, Shawn Michaels – in fighting with the Spirit Squad. You don’t look so good at the moment. You’re not thinking about backing out of this are you? You really want this job don’t you?

Marty: Yes I do.

Vince: Not only do you want this job – you need this job right?

Marty: Yes I do.

Vince: Not only do you need this job. Quite frankly, I don’t think it’s any secret – you’re flat broke. You’re destitute. So you desperately need this job am I right?

Marty: I need this job.

Vince: All right then – you shouldn’t have that sour puss on your face. You should be very willing to kiss my ass. In fact, you’re no different than each and every person in this arena tonight. And you people are no different than everyone else around the world. I mean – let’s face it, you all kiss your bosses ass. You all kiss ass – admit it! Marty, quite frankly you’re not going to do anything that they don’t do each and everyday. Go ahead and get on your knees. (Marty pauses a bit) Maybe you didn’t hear me. I said get on your knees. (Marty pauses some more) You want this job or not – get on your damn knees. (Marty starts to and then does get on his knees) OK – now we can get on with this. I’m just gonna unbuckle this here. Excuse me while I whip this out. All right so what we have here is – what are you smiling at Lilian – what we have here is Mr. McMahon’s ass. (McMahon pulls his pants down) You’ve got to admit – that’s a mighty fine looking ass. Flash bulbs popping everywhere. Matter of fact that’s not just a normal ass. A lot of you are saying to yourself right now – Mr. McMahon you have a magnificent ass. Ok – with that in mind Marty – go ahead and kiss my magnificent ass. I’ll even bend over for ya. Move it around a little bit. (Marty looks around) It’s not everyday you get to kiss Mr. McMahon’s ass come on. Get closer you can do it. (Marty leans in closer) I said kiss my ass. Damn it you kiss my ass now!

Marty gets up and Vince pulls his pants up.

Vince: You’re refusing to kiss my ass. Some other way? Some other way. All right. Maybe I got a little carried away – maybe there is another way in which you can gain employment here. There’s always a Plan B. With that in mind – Chris Masters come on down here.

**Masters music hits**

Chris Masters makes his way to the ring.

Vince: Ok – get me a chair. Let me have a chair right there. Take a look at this magnificent physique. So Marty – you want to know if there is another way. You don’t have to endure the humiliation of kissing my ass. All you have to do to gain a contract here is do one thing no man has ever done – break that man’s Master Lock. If you don’t know what that is – sit down in the chair. Come on – have a seat. He’s gonna apply what you used to know as a full nelson and what he calls the Master Lock. And if you break the Master Lock you get the contract. All right – just a minute now, I’ll be the ref on this. On the count of three we’re gonna go. Get in there, Chris. Make sure you hook it in good.

Masters locks in the Master Lock and lifts Marty out of the chair. Marty tries to fight his way out of it as Vince continues to yell at Masters to break the neck of Janetty. Marty continues to fight, but Vince lands a boot to the midsection of Marty. Vince says Marty is going to kiss his ass whether he likes it or not. Masters shoves Marty’s face near Vince’s ass when…

**Ohh….ohhh….Shawn**

Shawn Michaels runs out and pounds away on Masters. Michaels with a superkick to Masters. Shawn has Vince in the ring with his pants down. Shawn with a chair! And from behind attacks Shane-O-Mac. Shane with the chair – and he just killed Shawn Michaels!

Vince: You want to fight a McMahon so bad – guess what? At Saturday Night’s Main Event it’s you one-on-one in a street fight with my son, Shane. Hang on – wait a minute. My son Shane just had a brilliant idea. I told you Michaels you’re gonna have to kiss my ass. That’s exactly what’s going to happen. Make him kiss my ass Shane.

Shane lifts up Shawn, puckers his lips, and makes Shawn kiss Vince’s ass.

Vince: Ladies and gentlemen, Shawn Michaels has just kissed my ass. By the way Shawn – you kissed mine, but I’m gonna be kicking yours at Wrestlemania!

See ya’ll next week.