411’s WWE Raw Report 06.30.08

I’m Dan Wilcox, and we are LIVE in Oklahoma.

We get the “World is Watching” video. Your shoddy ratings beg to differ.

We are then treated to the conclusion of last week’s show, Vince McMahon falling victim to scaffolding that was mad because Triple H got drafted.

Shane McMahon addresses the incident. In respect of his privacy, they will not be forthcoming with an update on his condition. He wants the employees to pull together in this time of uncertainty.

Cue intro, cue crazy ass pyro and welcome to Monday Night Raw: the Michael Cole era!

Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler are our hosts.

Jim Ross is here! Oklahoma’s own, didn’t you know. He’s amazed by the ovation ad thanks the crowd. It is an honor to be standing in the ring on this night with the fans around the world watching to say, it’s damn sure good to be home. He’s excited about a new journey that he is embarking on SmackDown. Boos for that. He hopes that the fans will join him on that journey, where they will raise hell and take it places it has never been before. He’s excited about working with Mick Foley, the Hardcore legend, and he also wants to thank his “older brother” The King. Going into the Hall of Fame with him made that moment even more special. The good news is, Michael Cole will do a great job on Raw. Boos for that too. JR and Cole have always been friends and he wants them to give Cole respect. He brings up seeing his first live match featuring Danny Hodge, he brings up Mid-South Wrestling, and his experiences here in OC have involved Mr. McMahon. He’s proud to be here tonight despite Mr. McMahon and his situation. He wants the fans to join him on Friday nights. It’s been an amazing run. It’s good to be home, he’s excited, he thanks us all and he encourages them to eat more barbeque…

Edge is here with Hawkins and Ryder. Edge got drafted? No, I didn’t think so either. Edge says he had to make an appearance at this farewell address because his arrogance never ceases to amaze him. What makes JR think that anyone gives a damn about him, or the Sooners? No cares about King or Cole, or JR, and they never did. “Why don’t you put that in your blog, barbeque boy?” Ha. But now he can truly start his Hall of Fame career by coming on to Edge’s show, where he can call Edge’s Hall of Fame career. Edge mocks the Stone Cold line and says from now on it’ll have to be “Edge wins! Edge wins! Edge wins!” JR tosses the mic down. Edge says to put that in the record books, JR is actually speechless. Edge tells Hawkins and Ryder to escort JR from the building and they do. Edge steals Chris Jericho’s “hit the bricks” line. He did have an ulterior motive for coming here. He wanted to point out that the flagship show is missing a few things. Like a General Manager, unlike SmackDown which has the greatest GM in the history of the business, the love of his life, Vickie Guerrero. They’re also missing The Undertaker. But then, so is the entire WWE because Edge banished him from the WWE. You’re welcome. And there’s one other thing the show doesn’t have… a world champion. And he wanted to let everyone here know that they will never have a shot at his World Heavyweight Championship. They can challenge Triple H if they want, but unless it’s a Draft show, you will never see him on Monday nights again.

Batista is here. He meets Edge on the ramp and stares him down. Edge backs off and falls and Batista has him. Batista beats on Edge and tosses him into the ring post. Edge hops over the guardrail but Batista brings him back. He slams him face-first off the Raw announce thing. Batista tosses Edge into the steel steps now. In the ring, Edge pleads with Batista but to no avail. He sets up for the Batista Bomb… and nails it!

CM Punk is here! He’s cashing in!

World Title Match: Edge vs. CM Punk

Go2Sleep! Punk wins!

Winner: And NEW World Heavyweight Champion, CM Punk! NR for the match, but ***** for the moment. Just awesome stuff.

Punk celebrates.

Mickie James vs. Jillian

She sings her way to the ring. Dumb bitch. Mickie’s pissed off face is great here. Air Mickie! Mounted punches, Jillian bails. Mickie hits a dropkick through the ropes and then hurricanranas Jillian out on the floor. Jillian catches her coming in with a kick and Jillian goes to work on the arm James injured last night. Dropkick by Jillian, and King has some nice jokes here about the singing. Mickie comes back with forearms, tries for the DDT but Jillian counters by going back to the arm. She works in a key lock but Mickie fights her way, only to get tossed down by the hair. Jillian misses a handstand leg drop, gets caught with a kick, but then comes back with a big boot. Mickie counters an elbow attempt and hits a Mick Kick for the win.

Winner: Mickie James *3/4

Rey Mysterio is on his way to the ring.

Rey Mysterio is out. He congratulates CM Punk for his big win, bringing the title back to Raw. He says it’s strange. Up until last week, his whole career and his whole life was SmackDown. He was shocked when he got drafted. Now that he’s here, he likes it, he’s excited. Santino Marella is here! He says he is the most charismatic guy on Raw, and he is here to welcome Rey. He doesn’t see what the big deal is because anyone who hides behind a mask his either incredibly stupid, incredibly ugly or is the Batman. Rey is not Batman. Santino tells him to shut up… his face. Santino mocks the cover of the WWE magazine with Rey. It looks like he’s saying “look at me, I’m taller than Hornswoggle, I like cookies, Booyaka!” He submitted his own cover for the magazine, a picture of him in his underwear laying on bed holding a rose. We would all buy it and put it on the ceiling. There is a reason Rey has never been on Raw and that’s because it is for real superstars. He should mind his manners and behave because if he doesn’t, it’ll be very bad for him. He allows him to speak, but say it in a language we can all understand. Rey drills him with the microphone and sets up and hits the 619!

We will hear from the new World Champion momentarily.

We get replays of what went down earlier. Who would have thought that a dragging Jim Ross promo would segue into one of the greatest moments in Raw history, CM Punk winning the World Championship?

T-Grish is backstage with CM Punk! He’s speechless. He wants to thank people, and replace the name plate. He thanks Batista for the assist, the fans, his little sisters. He feels awesome. JBL is here. “You’re joking, right?” He finds it disgraceful and asks Punk if he’s proud. JBL says he can go to bed tonight as a paper champion, an asterix, or he can step up and get in the ring with greatness and put the title on the line against JBL, tonight. Please say no, Punk! He says yes. Damn.

Hot girls in the front row cheer on John Cena.

Cena has the microphone. He’s a fan of surprises and classic moments and he told everyone that the match between John Cena and Triple H would be one of those moments. No, he did not win the title last night. But it is a loss that he takes with pride because it proved that they are the two best in the business and that match will go down in history, just like tonight. The fans will be able to say they were there when CM Punk cashed in and won the title. But he’s not too impressed with JBL bullying his way into being the champion. Cena doesn’t know much about Punk but he likes him; he used his brains to win and his guts to fight for it. He thinks Punk will say yes to anyone, even him. That’s not a bad idea. Vince isn’t here, and there is no GM, so CM Punk should be the one to choose. Cena gives Punk some help. He asks the crowd if JBL should get a shot. Boos. Do they think Cena should? Cheers.

JBL is out now. JBL says Cena will not wrestle tonight for the title. That match is his. He declares Martial Law. He brings out security, paid for by JBL, to throw Cena out of the arena. People with money rule things, not crowd response. With Mr. McMahon gone, he is running things around here. He is going to win the title tonight. Security march down and Cena is ready for a fight. They surround the ring and they swarm him. He fights a few off, they grab hold of him and JBL fires off with rights on a defenceless Cena. Security drags Cena out of the ring and to the back. He briefly fights them off but JBL turns the tables and Cena is gone. They drag him all the way through the back and to the car park. JBL closes the door behind them.

Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase vs. Darren Wade and Steve Anthony

Only one winner here, folks. Technically, two. Rhodes and um, we’ll say Wade, lock up. Clean break. Rhodes grabs a side headlock and DiBiase gets a blind tag and drills Wade from behind. He hits a fist drop and brings Rhodes back in. He hits a knee drop. DiBiase takes out the other guy, Rhodes hits the DDT and that’s that.

Winners: Rhodes and DiBiase NR

Rhodes gets on the mic. Everyone wants to know why he did what he did to Bob Holly. When you’re the son of Dusty Rhodes and hear him talking about paying your dues and doing things the right way, you take that advice. But it got him carrying Hardcore Holly and keeping what was left of his career alive. So why wouldn’t he seek out DiBiase, to find a partner that was like him… young, good looking and dynamic. When you’re this talented, you don’t pay dues. DiBiase says most people of their generation don’t have the spine to do what they did. They think they’re rebellious because they upload a video on YouTube or shop at Hot Topic. But the people in this country under the age of 30 are sheep. They took matters into their own hands, and that makes them… priceless.

Backstage, Katie Lea and Paul Burchill talk about last night. She will be Women’s Champ. He leaves and tells her not to get into trouble. Jamie Noble is here. He’s new and wants respect, prison-rule style. He says he’s going to go up to the biggest guy in the lockerroom and draw a line in the sand. She says now is his chance. Kane stands around and breaths heavily. Noble says they’re equals because there are no rules. He tells him not to get in his way or go through his bag. “Don’t let me catch ya listening to my Larry the Cable Guy tapes without permission. Knock knock. Who’s there? Kane. Kane who? Kane you please stay out of my way before I knock you on your big red butt?” Ha. Kane goozles him. Noble squirms and runs away. Kane gives chase.

Ringside now, and Noble tries to hide underneath the announce table. Then he tries to go under the ring. Kane is out! SUICIDE DIVE BY NOBLE! Ha. Kane sits up! Upper cut and Noble is dead. In the ring and Noble goes on the attack but eats a big boot. To the floor and Kane CHOKESLAMS HIM ON THE ANNOUNCE THING! Kane laughs. It may be a delayed reaction to that “Knock Knock” joke.

Chris Jericho says he is an honest man and yet last night he was swindled out of the Intercontinental Championship, and everyone cheered at his misfortune. But Shawn isn’t in the building tonight. He was told the same thing last week and last night and it was a lie, involving Shawn Michaels Who would have thunk it? But every time he tries to attack him, he ends up on the floor with an eye injury. Jericho says Shawn Michaels is paying a price every time he comes out here. He is challenging HBK to a one-on-one match at the Great American Bash. HBK took something important away from him, and now Jericho will repay the favour. Tonight though, he will take the title back because the worse is yet to come.

Kofi Kingston gets a much better reaction than he did last night.

Intercontinental Championship Match: Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho

Immediately back from a break and Jericho has a modified chin lock. Kofi kicks his way out, rolls Jericho up and gets 2, but Jericho nearly beheads Kofi with a clothesline. Kofi comes back off the ropes and hits some forearms, and a flying forearm. Thunderclap Leg Drop! Jericho hits the ropes and rolls Kingston up for 2, then gets an enzuigiri for 2. Kofi up, charges into a boot and Jericho nails a bulldog. LIONSAULT! That gets a long 2 count. Kofi reverses a suplex into a roll up, and uses the tights, but Jericho rolls through and he uses the tights, but the referee catches him and DQs him!

Winner: Kofi Kingston by DQ **

Jericho attacks after the match and goes for the eyes of Kofi. He leaves Kofi squirming.

Awful ending to that match, but I guess it adds more fuel to Jericho’s fire.

We get more replays of Punk cashing in. To be honest, I’m not going to tire of seeing that any time soon. Long live Punk!

Earlier tonight, in the parking lot, Edge slaps around Hawkins and Ryder because it’s their fault. They leave the arena.

So who’s more likely to return to the arena, Edge or Cena?

CM Punk wearing that belt just looks so, so right.

World Heavyweight Championship: CM Punk vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

Excuse my lack of bias on the play-by-play. COME ON, PUNK! JBL’s Security are out now. Martial Law, baby. Lock up and JBL backs Punk into the corner and slugs away. Short arm clothesline now by JBL. JBL drops a couple of elbows and gets a 1 count. Clubbing blows to the back now by JBL, now he grabs a side headlock. Punk sends him off and catches him with a hip toss, followed by a spin kick to the gut and a knee lift that sends JBL to the floor. Punk misses a baseball slide and JBL kills him with a clothesline. JBL bounces Punk off of the announce thing and tosses Punk inside for a 2 count. Boot to a seated Punk now by Layfield. JBL grabs a modified vertical chinlock, but Punk knees hi way out of it only to run into a sleeper hold. Punk is fading but the crowd is really behind him, and he fights his way up, elbows out and hits a series of forearms, but charges into a shoulder block. JBL charges but he takes a boot. ENZUIGIRI by Punk! Both men beat the count, running knee lift by Punk, BULLDOG! That gets 2. Punk ducks a clothesline but gets caught in mid-air and JBL gets 2 off of a Fallaway Slam. Punk avoids another clothesline and hits a roundhouse kick. A SPRINGBOARD CLOTHESLINE gets 2. John Cena and Cryme Tyme hit the ring and brawl with security! Go2Sleep! Punk wins, Punk wins!

Winner: CM Punk **1/2

Punk hits a plancha onto security! The brawl continues as we go off the air.