411’s WWE Thursday Night Raw Report 02.16.06

**It’s Time To Play The Game…**

Joey Styles welcomes us to a special edition of Thursday Night Raw. Triple H makes his way to the ring for the semifinal of the Road to Wrestlemania Tournament.

**WEEEEELLL…Well it’s the Big Show**

And making his way to the ring, one-half of the world tag team champions, The Big Show!!

Match 1: Triple H vs. Big Show

This thing starts before the bell. Show with a big headbutt. Show backs Trips into the corner and slaps the living monkey juice out of him. And again! Triple H off the ropes, Show ducks head, and gets a boot from Show. That doesn’t faze Show as he picks up Triple H and drops him in a press slam. Elbow drop by Show! And again! Show stomps on H’s hand and continues to apply pressure. Show slams Triple H’s hand into the turnbuckle. Hahhaah – big slap to the hand of Triple H! Show picks up Triple H by his hand – Show is looking to snap the wrist of Triple H! Show drops 500 pounds across Triple H’s forearm with a leg drop. Show backs Trips into the corner again and lands a big slappy wappy. Triple H goes Flair and drops face first to the mat. Triple H crawls to the ring apron and snaps Show’s neck across the top rope. Triple H back in the ring, but Show over powers him and sends him sailing over the top turnbuckle on an irish whip! Show chases Triple H to the outside now. Show picks up Triple H in a battering ram, but Triple H slides off the back and sends Show face first into the ring post. Show is busted wide open!

Ad Break (4:13)

Ad Break Ends (7:14)

We’re back as Triple H pounds away on the opened cut on Show’s head. Trips drops a knee across the forehead of the Big Show. All of a sudden Show gets a spark of energy and lands an atomic drop on Triple H. Triple H tries to gain back some momentum with some big rights, but they have no effect. Big head butt by Show. Triple H off the ropes and Big Show lands a big power slam. Show goes for a leg drop, but Trips moves out of the way. Trips off the ropes – Show has him by the throat! Chokeslam – no, countered by Triple H into a DDT. Cover gets 2 as Show gets an emphatic kick out. Show with a headbutt sends Trips sprawling. Trips off the ropes again, Show ducks again, knee lift by Triple H! Pedigree coming for Triple H – got it! Cover – 1…2…KICK OUT! See, I knew that was going to happen, but I must remain dramatic. Another pedigree forthcoming, but Show reverses it similar to how Batista did it at Wrestlemania XXI. Both men are down and the referee begins the count. The count gets up to eight, and both men are up. Triple H is staggered in the corner. Show with a big butt ram. Off the ropes and Show lands a shoulder block. Here comes the choke slam! EYE GOUGE by Triple H! Triple H to the top, comes off, CHOKESLAM by SHOW! Cover – 1…2…foot on the ropes for Triple H. Triple H rolls to the outside. Big Show follows him. Show drops Triple H facefirst across the barricade. Show rolls back into the ring, but now he heads back out. Both men are groggy on the outside. Show with a big slap across the chest of Triple H. Show sends Triple H shoulder first into the steel steps. Show rolls in and back out of the ring again. Show runs at Triple H, but Trips nails Show in the leg and drops his head on the steel steps. Triple H is about back into the ring, but Show grabs him by the neck and there’s the bell.

WINNER: Double Countout (13:35)

Triple H and Show continue to pound on each other on the outside. Show removes the top of the announcing table and all the necessary television monitors. Chokeslam attempt, but Triple H goes for the low blow. Triple H has a chair, but Big Show pushes Triple H THROUGH THE BARRICADE! Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. Triple H’s body is in shambles.

Ad Break

They show us when Shawn Michaels lost his smile on February 13, 1997. That gave me some goose bumps. It’s pretty cold here in Iowa.

Vince McMahon is in the back as Todd Grisham walks in. Grisham wants to know if the winner of the RVD-Masters match will go straight to Wrestlemania. Vince McMahon says there was a lot of aggression between those two so next week Triple H and Big Show will be in a triple threat match with the winner of the aforementioned match.

Shelton’s mama comes into the room with Shelton Benjamin pushing her in her wheelchair. She said she needs a little something from Vince. She says she needs Vince to give Shelton a shot at the IC Title. Vince says that if Shelton wins his match with Eugene tonight he will be the #1 contender. Vince tells Shelton to get his mama out of there.

Mick Foley is in the back singing “Big Time.” Edge and Lita are there as well. Lita flirts with Mick. Edge says nobody read Mick’s book, and he’s come too far to get screwed over in his match with Cena. Mick says Edge and him go way back. Mick says he doesn’t want to see Edge beat Cena for the title tonight, and he’s a huge Hacksaw Jim Duggan fan. Mick says he’ll call it right down the middle. Edge says if he doesn’t it will be the biggest mistake he has ever made. Mick says simply: “Have a nice day.”

Ad Break

**Ain’t Stopping Me Noooooooow**

Shelton Benjamin and Shelton’s mama make their way to the ring.

**Eugene’s music hits**

Eugene makes his way to the ring. Eugene tries to give Shelton’s mama some candy, but Shelton knocks them out of his hand, and kicks him down.

Match 2: Shelton Benjamin vs. Eugene

Now the bell rings. Shelton slams Eugene’s head into the turnbuckle not once, but twice. Eugene is getting pissed. Another slam into the buckle, and Eugene starts pounding away on Shelton. Lefts and rights topped off by a roundhouse right. Helicopter by Eugene. Both men are dizzy. Shelton goes for a t-bone, but Eugene lands a northern lights suplex for two. Shelton somehow ends up landing a samoan drop. T-bone suplex and that’s all.

WINNER: Shelton Benjamin (1:29)

Shelton on the mic: We did it mama. And next week they won’t be calling me mama’s boy – they’ll be calling me the new Intercontinental champion after I beat the Nature Boy Ric Flair. Woooooo!

Shelton’s music hits and he and mama head up the ramp.

They show when Triple H and Shawn Michaels showed footage of the Kliq saying goodbye in Madison Square Garden.

Ashley and her boobs are getting ready in the back. She is getting ready to face Torrie Wilson.

Ad Break

**Be Yourself……**

Ashley makes her way to the ring for this next contest.

**You’re Not Enough For Me…..**

And from Boise, Idaho – Torrie Wilson. Torrie is accompanied by Candice Michelle tonight.

Of course, Candice was on Jay Leno last week. She touched Terry Bradshaw’s penis.

Match 3: Ashley vs. Torrie Wilson

Torrie attacks Ashley before the bell and knocks her to the outside. Torrie stomps on Ashley on the outside and sends her back in the ring. Torrie swings Ashley around by her hair. Candice hands Chloe to Torrie and she shoves her butt in Ashley’s face. Ashley in control now. But not for long as Torrie lands a big clothesline out of the corner. X-Factor by Torrie! Torrie is so hot. I just want to make sweet love to her all night long. Torrie spanks Ashley as if to read my mind. Ashley goes for a crucifix roll-up but messes up but still gets the three count.

WINNER: Ashley (1:19)

Candice says it’s OK because she has great news. On March 10th she’ll be on the cover of Playboy magazine. And it’s going to be the hottest cover ever, I guess. Candice says she can’t wait to take it all off and removes her robe. Torrie is just downright flabbergasted!

Another Shawn Michaels moment is aired from December 26, 2005 when all this nonsense began. The retirement party is next.

Ad Break

We’re back as Mr. McMahon’s legal team awaits in the ring.

**No Chance That’s What You’ve Got….**

Mr. McMahon makes his way to the ring.

Vince on the mic: Tonight in this very ring, history will be made because this will be the very last night Shawn Michaels ever graces the squared circle of the WWE. Tonight marks the official retirement of Shawn Michaels. So without further ado allow me to introduce to you for the very last time – here is the Showstopper, the icon, here is the main event, here is the Heartbreak Kid, here is the single biggest pain in the ass I’ve ever experienced in my life. Here is Shawn Michaels.

**Oooohh…..oooooh….Shawn**

Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring for the very last time.

Vince looks for a handshake, but then decides to pull away.

Vince: Shawn, you – (big HBK chants) – you don’t look too happy Shawn. But I’m going to make you happy because of all of your accomplishments in the WWE, I’ve put together one of the greatest ever music video tributes you’ve ever seen in your life. But I’ve got something better. I’ve got every superstar from Smackdown and from Raw to come out here and shake your hand Shawn Michaels. So gentlemen – no, I’m not gonna do that either. Now wait a minute…because this is such a special night. I’ve spared no expense. I flew up your family from San Antonio so they could be with you on this very last night, Shawn. Well actually – I didn’t do that either. The reason I didn’t do that is because you deserve something extraordinary. Everybody give it up for the Spirit Squad.

The Spirit Squad come out for a cheer.

Vince: Ladies and gentlemen – the Spirit Squad. What a tremendous tribute to you Shawn. What’s the matter? What’s the matter – this isn’t exactly the way you envisioned your last night in the WWE. What with five male cheerleaders cheering you on, and coming out her surrounded by a bunch of North Carolina hick rednecks. That’s not what you envisioned Shawn? Give me the papers. That’s just too damn bad. Sign the papers Shawn. Sit down and sign the papers.

Shawn grabs the mic instead.

Shawn: Vince..(HBK chants)…look – I know I was not the easiest guy to deal with, but this is not what I want. I don’t want to retire…

Vince: Cut his microphone. Only one microphone is going to work Shawn and it’s going to be mine from now on. I’m not going to listen to your crap. I’ve listened to it for too damn long. Now, I’m telling ya – sign the papers now.

Shawn takes a seat, sifts through the papers…….looks around…..huge HBK chants. Shawn rises from his seat without signing. Vince doesn’t like it one bit. Shawn shakes his head no.

Vince: Oh no – you’re not getting away with this. You don’t say no to me. Nobody, nobody says no to me. Nobody! I’m Vince McMahon – you don’t say no to me.

Shawn steals the microphone away.

Shawn: I can’t do it! I know that I said walking away was an option. But it’s not! It’s not. I love this job. To walk away from this ring. To walk away…..(huge cheer). To walk away from these people…would be walking away from one of the greatest joys I have ever known and I’m not gonna do it. I don’t know why you’re doing this to me Vince, but I am not going out this way.

Vince takes the mic back.

Vince: Alright you want to know why I’m doing this? You want to know why? I’m doing this Shawn because you have something that I want. You have something that I can’t have. You have something that money can’t buy. You’ve got that inner peace. You know who you are – you know what you want. I don’t have that. And I want it. Hell, half the time I don’t know who the hell I am. I don’t know what I want except I have an insatiable appetite for life. And I want MORE…MORE…MORE! You have no idea what it’s like being me. I mean I’ve got an empire to run Shawn. I’ve got stockholders to answer to. I’ve got a film division to get off the ground. You don’t know the pressure I’m under Shawn. You don’t know them. My life is a nightmare. (You Suck chants) But you’re gonna make that all better. You’re gonna make it all better because you are going to sign those papers. You are going to sign them because you have to. You see Shawn – I don’t like people like you. I hate people like you. I want what you have, and I can’t have it. Sign the damn papers and sign em now!

Vince grabs the papers and pen and tells Shawn to sign them. Shawn grabs the pen, shifts around a bit, throws the pen, and rips up the papers! Vince slaps Shawn! Shawn overturns the table, and disrobes himself. Vince heads up the ramp, and he is not happy.

Vince: Hey Shawn – just a little reminder. When you tore up those papers you opened the floodgates to your own personal hell.

Vince’s music hits as Shawn and Vince stare each other down.

Ad Break

They show us what just transpired. It was craaazy!

It’s time for a huge announcement. Bret Hart will be a 2006 WWE Hall of Fame inductee.

**Chris Masters’ music hits**

Chris Masters goes through his three-pronged muscle flex spiel.

**RVD’s music hits**

And his opponent, straight out of Battle Creek, Michigan – Rob….Van…..Dam.

Match 4: Chris Masters vs. Rob Van Dam

Lockup into a side headlock by RVD. RVD off the ropes and is staggered a little bit from a shoulderblock by Masters. Leg kicks and a leaping leg kick by RVD. Masters charges in again, but RVD locks in another side headlock. Masters grabs hold of RVD’s hair and lands a few knees to the face of Masters. Drop kick to the knee by RVD. Boots to the face of Masters by RVD. RVD with a sweet ass legdrop from the inside to the outside on Masters as his head hung over the apron. RVD vaults himself into the ring and lands another legdrop. Rolling thunder, but Masters counters. RVD up to the top rope and Masters lands a big power slam. Masters pounds on the back of RVD. Irish whip by Masters, and Masters lands a big back elbow. RVD to the ring apron. Masters lands some rights. Masters off the ropes and he lands a big shoulder block that sends RVD from the ring apron into THE STANDS! Wow. There have been some holy shit moments tonight – no question about that. Masters goes outside and rolls RVD back in the ring. Cover gets 2. Masters picks up RVD in the torture rack. Nice change-up by Masters. I like it. RVD fights out of it and counters it into a sunset flip for two. Whip by Masters into the turnbuckle. RVD lands a back elbow and then comes off the ropes with a big kick. Spinning heel kick by RVD. RVD to the top rope and he lands a big kick off the ropes. ROLLING THUNDER! RVD to the top rope, but Masters hits the ropes and drops RVD on his nutsack. Masters follows RVD to the top rope. Superplex attempt forthcoming! RVD fighting out of it! RVD with a head butt and a big back kick sending Masters to the mat! FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH!! GOT IT! 1…..2….3!

WINNER: Rob….Van….Dam (5:00)

Rob Van Dam heads to the Road to Wrestlemania Tournament Final.

Jack is here for another date with Trish Stratus. He knocks on the door, and Mickie James is in Trish’s locker room with a blonde wig on. Mickie starts to hit on Jack. Mickie goes in for the kiss, but Jack tells Mickie that he really likes Trish! Mickie wants to know why Jack is hitting on her. Mickie starts screaming and shit. Some police run in and escort Jack out of the building. Mickie turns straight from cry-cry to smile-smile. Bitches are always messing with our minds.

Ad Break

Stacy Kiebler continues to kick ass on Dancing With The Stars so we get to see it. I watched tonight as well, and she was looking fiiiiiiine.

Mickie James is crying in the back as Trish Stratus shows up. Mickie says that Jack attacked her. Of course, Trish believes her. This stuff is pretty decent.

Shelton Benjamin will take on Ric Flair next week for the IC Title.

We get a Cena/Edge highlight video. It’s really cool how the WWE has mucked up Edge’s heat. Bastards.

**Mick Foley’s music hits**

Mick Foley makes his way to the ring to referee the next contest. But before this thing can get started we go to an…

Ad Break

We’re back as Mick stands in the ring and smiles a bit.

**You Think You Know Me…..**

Edge – the Rated R Superstar – and Lita make their way to the ring.

**Cena’s music hits**

John Cena makes his way to the ring for this title defense.

Match 5: Edge vs. John Cena

Lockup. Cena backs Edge into the corner, Edge reverses into the other corner. Cena counters into a side headlock. Cena off the ropes with a big shoulder block. Cover gets nothing. Cena whips Edge from one corner to the next. Sideslam by Cena gets two. Back headlock by Cena. Edge fights his way out of it with some kicks and rights. Cena reverses an irish whip by Edge and Edge slides out of the ring for a breath.

Ad Break (1:41)

Ad Break Ends (4:55)

We’re back as Cena lands a flying body press, but Edge gets right back up and lands a massive clothesline. Edge pounds away on Cena in the corner. Whip by Edge, but Cena reverses it. Cena with another whip into the other corner. Fisherman suplex by Cena gets two. Cena locks in a back headlock. Cena backs off Edge for a clean break, but Edge attacks and nails Cena with a nice riiiiight. Edge with a knee to the back. Edge lands a standing dropkick on Cena. Cover gets two. Edge thought it was slow, and I think he has a point. Edge with a big kick to the ribs of Cena. Cena fighting back now. Cena with an irish whip reversed by Edge and Edge lands a big forearm to the kisser. Edge stalks Cena, and sets him up on the top rope. Edge lands some rights and follows him up. Edge on the second rope looking for a superplex. Cena fights away – Edge fallsoff, but he’s back up with another right. Edge on the second rope again. This time Cena pushes him off. Cena off the ropes with a SPLASH! Cover gets two! Elbows and rights by Cena. Cena with a quick vertical suplex – cover gets two. Lita is up on the ring apron and is getting rid of the top turnbuckle. Mick catches her in the act as Cena sends Edge to the outside. Mick tells Lita to get the heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell out of there. Cena waves bye-bye because he’s a moron.

Ad Break (10:56)

Ad Break Ends (13:50)

We’re back with Cena on the outside holding his back. Edge dropped Cena on the ring barrier before the break. Edge continues to pound on Cena with rights. Edge with cover, but Mick was there late and Edge only got two. Cena starts to fight back now. Edge locks on a sleeper out of nowhere. Edge has his legs grapevined over the midsection of Cena. Cena drops back and that’s all for the sleeper. Cena with a big clothesline. Shoulder block off the ropes by Cena. Edge off the ropes, Cena drops his head, and Edge lands a big kick. Edge back off the ropes and Cena lands a belly to belly. Big kick to the face of Cena by Edge out of nowhere. Edge climbing the ring apron. Cena is up though and he meets him at the top. F U from the top rope – no – Edge counters it into a power bomb off the top. Cover – 1….2….but Mick notices his feet are on the rope. Edge pushes Mick, Mick pushes Edge – belly to back sit down powerbomb by Cena. You Can’t See Me – five knuckle shuffle. F U – countered by Edge into Edgecution gets two! Edge looking for the spear. Cena moves out of the way. F U attempt again is countered by Edge. Edge shoves Cena into Foley. Edge goes for a big shot to Cena, but Cena moves and Foley gets it. Foley falls to the outside as Cena locks in the STFU. Edge is tapping, but Lita is out and nails Cena with a shot to the back. Cena goes after Lita, and Edge knocks out Cena from behind. Lita throws the WWE Title into the ring. Edge nails Cena with the belt! Foley gets rolled back into the ring by Lita. Cover….1….2….kick out. Blah – that’s bullshit. Edge to the top rope, Edge comes off with a flying body press, but Cena catches him. Heeman lifts Edge up into the F U position and that’s all. Neato.

WINNER: John Cena (19:44)

Edge is in the ring with Foley, and he isn’t happy. Lita comes from behind and lands a big nut shot to Foley. Spear by Edge! Edge calls him a bitch and stuff.

John Cena can lick my balls. See you all Monday or possibly on Sunday for the PPV.