Ring Crew Reviews: WWE Royal Rumble 2012

• Relevant Storylines: Michael Cole is shocked to know that there is commentator wrestling going on in this establishment. Cody Rhodes has finally run out of paper grocery bags. Zack Ryder lets his girlfriend do his talking for him even though he has stolen D’lo Brown’s chest protector. And Johnny Ace will call it right down the middle.

• Scheduled Card:
1. Triple Threat Cage Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Mark Henry vs. Big Show vs. Daniel Bryan (c).
2. 8 Diva Tag Match: The Bellas, Natayla, and Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly, Eve, Tamina and Alicia Fox.
3. John Cena vs. Kane.
4. Drew McIntyre vs. Brodus Clay.
5. Special Guest Referee Match for the WWE Championship: Dolph Ziggler vs. CM Punk (c).
6. Royal Rumble.

• Video package starts out with a 2012-centric list of candidates as the frame dissolves aurally and visually from one to the next saying they will win the RR. Then we switch to a brief historic overview of some of the other winners and then back to ending on a countdown just like the RR clock. Decent enough.

• Triple Threat Cage Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Mark Henry vs. Big Show vs. Daniel Bryan (c). Lilian says the “only way to win is by pinfall, submission or escape.” Good to have clear rules. Dragon’s over the top enthusiasm at being world champ and thinking all of the fans are into him and his entrance is pretty awesome. Show tries to put his tobaggan on a little girl during his entrance and she cowers in fear from the big guy and then starts to cry when he tries to make it up to her. We get clips of Smackdown where Show said that what happened to AJ was an accident but it won’t be when he kicks Dragon’s ass. Crowd gets a mild chant going for the champ at the bell.

• Dragon tries a quick escape but Henry pulls him back to Earth and Show Spears him. Show and Henry slug it out with Show winning that and taking him down with a shoulderblock. Show Ho Trains Henry into the cage a couple times as Bryan tries to climb out. Show slams him back down and goes to the overhand chops in the corner. Show smashes him into the cage and goes for the KO punch but Dragon avoids and Show’s fist eats cage. Show comes back with some headbutts and the Runaway Samoan Semi. Bryan no sells and clips the knee with a dropkick. Now, we go to work on Henry with some DR FG kicks and a DR FG enzuigiri. Bryan tries to talk a walk but Henry recovers to pull him back in. Henry to the ref: “CLOSE THAT DOOR!” Henry timidly rakes the face across the cage for nothing and gives him a headbutt. Show recovers and busts out a SWEET CHIN MUSIC! Show tosses the champ around and into the cage a few times. Dragon uses Show to pull himself up and Show looks to have sympathy on him. Bryan smacks the hell out of him so Show wakes up and throws him around some more. Henry back up and he clubs Show down. This is slow and just pretty boring. It’s hard to do the triple threat format in a cage so credit to Cena-Morrison-Miz for having a lights out one last year at Extreme Rules. Crowd tries to get behind the champ again as Henry tosses him ahead. He goes for a Ho Train but Bryan ducks and Henry eats cage. Show Spears him. HERE’STHECOVER as Dragon covers for 2. Show takes offense and throws him around another CRYONIC KICK! Show calls for the ChokeSlam but Bryan avoids and hits a tornado DDT off the top. Lawler who’s been in the business for about half a century is perplexed at such an innovative maneuver: “MY GOODNESS! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT!” Bryan goes to the Labell Lock but Henry breaks it up to boos. Henry throws him into the cage and goes for the World’s Strongest Slam but Show cuts him off with the KO punch. He covers but Bryan breaks it up and sprints for the top of the cage. Show meets him at the top and chokes him to stop. Dragon punches his way free and escapes to win it fair and square at 8:08.

• I like all 3 guys a lot lately but this did nothing for me. There’s just not a lot here to sink your teeth into. Big Guy 1 throws Small Guy into cage. Big Guy 2 interrupts and takes out Big Guy 1. Big Guy 2 throws Small Guy into cage. Small Guy gets desperation reversal on Big Guy 2. Small Guy tries to take advantage of Big Guy 1. Big Guy 1 throws Small Guy into cage and we’re back at the beginning. Plus all the laying around is right in front of you because it’s a cage match and they are selling these tepid cage shots for minutes at a time. I really hope we’re not headed for one of those squashes of the century at Mania ala Warrior-Triple H, Show/Kane-Carlito/Masters, Warrior-Honky Tonk where Show just destroys a full blown hell Bryan in under 2 minutes. **

• Post-match, Dragon: “YES! YES! YES! YESSSSSSS!” King: “Try not to look too amazed.”

• Next up is an Elimination Chamber promo and Sheamus is the only one on it to hype the show. That probably should have foreshadowed something, but those sorts of details are just as often misleading as indicative.

• After that is a good 5 minutes-long hype video to get Cena over as a Make-A-Wish foundation volunteer, a big Tribute to the Troops guy, he signs lots of autographs for kids, etc. The best part of the video though is that it shows Cena doing some Olympic style weightlifting to show he’s not a curl monkey. Anyway though, granting all of the things the tremendously sympathetic video shows, it still doesn’t mean he should win almost every match he’s in and it still doesn’t mean he should stay a face or be champ 75% of the time. Nevertheless, solid video if a bit repetitive.

• 8 Diva Tag Match: The Bellas, Natayla, and Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly, Eve, Tamina and Alicia Fox. Booker: “I’ve been looking forward to this match all day. You’re going to see a lot of great moves and a lot of great curves.” Only one of the three is true. I’ll let you figure out which.

• Natayla and Tamina to start. Natayla with a headlock. They both no sell a shoulderblock. DIDYAKNOW that Tamina is the daughter of Superfly and Natayla is daughter of Jim Neidhart??? They smack and Tamina hits a headbutt for 2. Eve in with a backflip splash for 2. Beth in and Eve avoids a backdrop and clotheslines her down. She tries a frontflip leg drop but Beth gets the knees in. She elbows Eve a couple times for 2. Bella in with a Batista kick that almost exposed the entire business for 2. She goes to a chinlock but Eve hairdrags out. Alicia Fox in with some kicks and stomps a mudhole in the corner. The Bellas pull the switch and the fresh one avoids a charge in the corner. Fox sells a choke like she’s Melina hyping up MNM. Bella goes to some chinlock but Fox armdrags out. KK in to a pop for reasons that elude me. She hits a hair smash the anti-Newtonian rana II for 2. The match breaks down into a melee and a donnybrook according to the crew. KK heads up top and splashes on everyone. KK pulls in one of the Bellas. The Bella chokes her on the second rope but Beth smacks Bella and tags herself in (“GET OUTTA MY RING!”). Beth hits the Glam Slam to end it at 5:28. Harmless enough. * for Beth’s owning of the Bella twins and KK to get the victory.

• We get clips of Kane assaulting Zack Ryder. He’s in a wheel chair and wearing a back brace. Eve tries to talk trash to Johnny Ace but it kind of falls flat. Plus, Ace set up Ryder in his own personal dressing room with free catering. FREE CATERING! And they call this man a heel.

• John Cena vs. Kane. Cole referring to Cena: “It doesn’t matter if people boo him or cheer him.” Sounds about right. Kane’s pyro hits but then we have to wait about 20 seconds before his video and music play. According to Cole and crew, Kane is more heinous than he’s ever been. This is the same guy that’s set JR on fire, electrocuted Shane-o-Mac’s family jewels, killed Paul Bearer, killed his high school girlfriend in a car accident, put his brother into a coma, and beat up his own doppelganger just because his movie was coming out.

• The bell rings. Booker: “A FIGHT JUST BROKE OUT HERE DAWG AND JOHN CENA IS WINNING IT!” Cena runs into a back elbow to start things and further sully Booker’s reputation as an analyst. Kane sends him into the turnbuckle and pounds him down. Dueling Cena chants as Cena no sells and clotheslines Kane over the top. Kane pulls him to the floor and throat thrusts him down. Kane gets sent into the ring stairs for the Foley bump. Back in, Cena wants the FU but Kane elbows his head to escape. Kane with a couple haymakers and chokes. Kane with a basement dropkick for 2. Kane goes to a chinlock as Cole waxes poetic about Kane’s Nietzschean moral philosophy. Personally, I’ve never seen Kane as the existential threat or the equivalent of the ubermensch. Instead, I’d compare him more to a Hegelian great man that is responsible for the movement and forces of time on the road to an eventual synthesis of the good and evil at the heart of spirituality. ANYWAY, Cena punches his way free only to run into another shot from Kane. Kane with a vertical suplex for 2. BACKTOTHECHINLOCK! They slug it out and again Kane wins that one. Did that sequence really necessitate a sequel? Kane with a weak clothesline in the corner. Cena drop toe holds him to come back. To be generous, we’ll say Kane lands in the “vicinity” of the top turnbuckle. Cena tries the bulldog but THE POWER OF THE KANE-INITES WILL NOT BE DENIED! Cena with a Stun Gun to boos so Kane clotheslines him back down. Kane goes for the Mandible Claw-esque move but Cena counters to a crossface. Kane escapes out and gets a desperation side slam. Double KO spot. Booker: “THAT’S SCARY RIGHT THERE, DAWG!” Kane with a top rope clothesline and wants the ChokeSlam. Cena avoids and hits a couple of shoulderblocks and the Protobomb. He wants the 5KS and the crowd is less than pleased. Kane with the zombie goozle to a pop. Cena slides out so Kane boots him down for 2. Kane wants a superplex but Cena headbutts him off and hits the 5KS off the top. Cena wants the FU but Kane again avoids. Cena clips the knee for the STF but Kane boots him to the floor. Kane sends him into the apron and the guardrail as they are in no hurry to get back to the ring and sure enough it’s a double countout at 11:00.

• I don’t really have a problem with them stretching this out into a couple of months but that was just a fairly tame match and an awful ending. If you want to convince us the bloodlust of the feud is too much for one match, then you have to have some brutality IN THE MATCH too, not just in segments on RAW. What was the most devastating move in the match? A Five Knuckle Shuffle? Neither of them even got to hit a finisher or have a halfway credible false finish. Plus, when the entire match takes place in the ring and they randomly stumble to the floor for some directionless brawling, the finish has no build and no one cares and just ends up pissed off. **1/4

• Post-match, they brawl into the back. Kane gets a chair to learn Cena some Schopenhauer “Will to Power.” Kane busts into Zack Ryder’s lounge and decides to hijack Ryder’s wheelchair. You see, this is the new and improved Kane that has learned the lessons of wheelchair-based attacks. He remembers Edge dastardly torturing a wheelchair-bound Paul Bearer all over Smackdown to great effect. Kane v2.0 is in desperate need of more Kane facts for his entrance to update us on what else has changed in his time off. Anyway, he brings Ryder down to ringside and Tombstones him in the ring over the pleas of Eve. Cena comes running out but his back is too hurt and he eats a ChokeSlam.

• Meanwhile, we get another few minute long promo just hyping Rock as a cool guy involved with various forms of entertainment.

• Drew McIntyre vs. Brodus Clay. Clay dances, Drew calls it a disgrace, and Booker steals Cat’s line about calling someone’s mama that’s in Brodus’s music. Drew blows someone a kiss to distract and then hits a series of right hands. Brodus no sells some clotheslines. Brodus shoves him over and hits an Exploder and a Ho Train and a crossbody to take it at 1:05. DUD. Nothing to see here.

• Special Guest Referee Match for the WWE Championship: Dolph Ziggler vs. CM Punk (c). Johnny Ace is special guest ref. This was set up by Ace and Punk butting heads for weeks. Foley finally got Ace to admit that he wanted to screw Punk over. However, that drew the ire of Trips who put him on notice so Ace is a little more by the book tonight. He gets the stick early and says that in the interest of fairness, he will instead ref from outside the ring in case there are any shenanigans and will leave the real stuff to a real ref in the ring. Before the match can get started, Ace ejects Vickie from ringside to a pop.

• Punk with a quick roll up for 1. Dolph with a BRUTAL forearm to avoid a lock up. See, that must be payback from that great smack Punk gave Mikey to avoid getting in the Spirit Squad.

• Spirit Squad sticks together. ANYWAY, Dolph wants the Rocker Dropper but Punk avoids. Punk wants the G2S but Dolph slides out. ECW STANDOFF! Lockup takes them into the ropes and we get a clean break. Punk with some kicks to the legs and tries a slam but Dolph floats over. He wants an O’Connor Roll but Punk counters to his own only for Dolph to grab the ropes. NICE! They do a ropes sequence that ends with Dolph avoiding a backdrop and going to the FARGO STRUT! WOOOO! Punk with a quick sunset flip for 2. Now, Punk tries to hook in the Anaconda Vice but Dolph gets the ropes. Excellent stuff so far. Punk with a go behind and goes to the ab stretch and elbows the breadbasket a few times and then throws some DAPPER DAN POMADE ON ZIGGLER! Fans love that. Punk hangs Dolph out to dry on the ropes and it’s not exactly crisp but it got the job done. Dolph takes a breather so Punk follows out with a suicide dive. Back in, Punk heads up top and Dolph trips him up and Punk eats turnbuckle. Dolph covers for 2. Dolph with a neckbreaker and drops a few elbows for 1. Dolph now goes to the chinlock to catch his breath. Punk counters to a back suplex. Double KO spot. As they recover, they slug it out and Punk goes to the MONGOLIAN CHOP! Dolph avoids a charge and goes to the SLEEPER! Punk tosses him over and wants the Anaconda Vice again. Dolph rolls through and back to the Sleeper. Punk escapes again so Ziggler takes him down with the Bluechipper dropkick for 2. Dolph wants a standing rana but Punk catches him and counters to the SPINNING LIGER BOMB! Cover gets 1, 2, – only 2! Punk tries to chop him down and hits a spinkick. Punk with a leg lariat and a swinging neckbreaker. He hits the raised knee in the corner and the bulldog. Punk calls for the G2S. Dolph slides out and tries to catapult Punk into the turnbuckle. Punk catches himself and comes back with a crossbody but Dolph rolls through. Cover for 1, 2, 2.7! They counter some more stuff and Dolph wants the Sleeper but Punk tosses him off. Punk with the enzuigiri and Dolph is toast but still kicks out at 2. Punk slams him and hits the Macho Elbow off the top but again only for 2. Punk calls for the G2S again. Dolph again out and shoves Punk who accidentally bumps the ref. Booker: “That was TOTALLY AN ACCIDENT RIGHT THERE GUYS! I think…” Punk armdrags Dolph into the Anaconda Vice and Dolph taps almost immediately but no ref and I am just really tired of that spot, but I digress. Ace is clueless because he’s checking on the ref. Punk shouts at Ace to get with it so Dolph O’Connor Rolls him. However, Punk winds up on top of that too and again the crowd knows who the winner should be. Ace slides in the real ref who still hasn’t recovered. Punk and Ace now start jawing. Punk hoists Dolph up for the G2S and in the spin takes out Ace. Punk hits the G2S and Dolph is still a sack of shit waiting to lose. Ace now argues with Punk over the assault and battery. Punk: “I JUST BEAT HIM THREE TIMES!” Punk wants ANOTHER G2S but Dolph counters in mid-air to the ROCKER DROPPER! AWESOME! Punk still kicks out at 2. Dolph is distraught that Punk gets to win three times and he can’t even win once. Dolph gets pissed and just starts hammering Punk with GnP. Punk catches Dolph out of another Rocker Dropper attempt and catapults him into the turnbuckle. Punk with another G2S and even Ace says it’s time to call the dogs off and counts the 3 for Punk at 14:31.

• I just don’t understand the point of having a title contender you treat as if he’s a joke and clearly not in the league of the other guy. This isn’t a Punk or Ziggler thing or a Miz or Cena thing though it was clearly evident in both cases. It’s a WWE thing. Before that countered Rocker Dropper, Dolph had been getting his ass kicked for about 10 minutes straight. His last offensive move was a Sleeper and the dropkick before the Liger bomb. The first five minutes were excellent back and forth counters and just WRESTLING. After that, it’s 10 minutes of Punk hitting all his stuff and admittedly Dolph looks tough by kicking out through a lot of it but then he gets beat FOUR TIMES by Punk. Why couldn’t the last half be more like the first half? It’s just a waste of Dolph as a challenger. ***1/4

• Royal Rumble: We get the same “By The Numbers” package they’ve been using for about five years now only with updated stats. Apparently, “for the first time ever, every WWE superstar is eligible,” which doesn’t make a lot of sense to me compared to other RRs. They’ve had women in before, people from every brand, one shot deals, announcers, authority figures, celebrities, etc. Miz is first and gets his own bubble letter “AWESOME!” entrance. Nice little touch. He gets the stick and cuts a promo about how everyone has been making fun of him all day for “earning” the number 1 spot. He says he’s proven everyone wrong at every turn. He will be the last man standing because he’s awesome. Alex Riley is second so it’s mentor, mentee to get us going.

• They slug it out to start and Riley wins that one and takes down Miz with a clothesline. Cole wants to talk strategy with King and Book and both surprisingly admit the obvious: you just want to survive because you can’t win it early but you can definitely lose it. Miz blocks a toss and boots A-Ry down. Booker: “HOPEFULLY MIZ HAS SOME GINSENG IN HIS RAW JELLY BECAUSE IT’S GOING TO BE A LONG NIGHT, DAWG!” I wish I was making that up. Miz: “YOU REMEMBER ME, HUH KID?!” Miz tries to toss but Riley reverses. Miz hangs on and lowers the bridge and a charging Riley is out. Miz bows and waves bye to his former protege. Nice little interaction. Looks like 2 minute intervals early as Truth is out next. I thought Truth had a good amount of momentum as a heel even if they pushed him too much toward comedy, but bringing him back as a face was a mistake. ANYWAY, He takes down Miz but runs into a back elbow. He hits Miz with a leg lariat. WHAT’S UP?!? Truth tries to toss him but Miz hangs on. Truth avoids the SCF. Truth wants the Flatliner but Miz avoids. Truth botches his suplex into a Stunner and almost drops Miz. Finally, he says fuck it and switches to a powerslam. Alright, maybe it’s 90 seconds because Cody Rhodes is out after a minute and half. Truth with a low blow on Miz but Cody with a springboard gamengiri and a gordbuster to break that up. Cody and Miz team up on Truth as Lawler is disgusted. Cody with a low blow on Truth. Truth no sells and tries to toss him but Cody hangs on. Miz hits his neckbreaker combo as Justin Gabriel is out 90 seconds later. He hits a splash on the heels and a Blue Thunder Bomb on Cody. Justin with an STO on Truth but Cody ends his flurry. Cody and Justin pair off as do Miz and Truth. Yep, 90 seconds ago as Primo is next. He has some kicks and chops and an up and over rana out of the corner. Truth with his barrel roll burrito on Cody and Miz shitcans him to sizeable boos. Nice! Storyline continuity and that’ll leave Cody and Miz as the de-facto traffic directors and heat magnets for the majority of the match. Truth pulls him to the floor and hits the Leaping Flatliner on Miz to buy him some time. Mick Foley dressed as Cactus Jack is next to a big pop. He tosses Primo. In one respect, that’s kind of beat up because Primo is one of the tag champs. In another respect, WWE hasn’t put effort into protecting or building up their tag champs in at least a couple years so who cares. Cody jumps Foley and that doesn’t work out well for him. Foley looks blown up already as he can barely manage the testicular charge in the corner. Foley with the Double Arm DDT. Your favorite wrestler is back from injury at 8 and it’s Alberto Del Rio, apparently. It’s his music anyway and his honking car horn. BUT WAIT! It’s RICARDO RODRIGUEZ! And he’s in no luxury car either. Booker: “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? He got a Dotson 280 ZX? That’s worth about $600.” OH YES! THIS IS AWESOME! Cole: “Is that Ricardo?” King: “I don’t know but his back window is a hefty bag.” Ricardo is such an incredible performer. He gets over more with no mic time and no ring time than ¾ of the roster. Foley and Gabriel look on bemusedly as Ricardo goes for Cody. Ricardo wants to make peace with Foley and he agrees. Foley tells him to go for Gabriel. Gabriel dropkicks him but Ricardo fights back with kicks. And then he and Foley team up to TOSS GABRIEL! THE CELEBRATION IS ON! RICARDO FOR WORLD CHAMP! He goes the boyhood dream celebration as Santino is next. Ricardo Hulks up and wants Santino. He avoids the Cobra but eats a backdrop and an atomic drop. Santino with the rolling anti-Newtonian rana that sends Ricardo into the turnbuckle. Santino gives him the atomic wedgie and tosses him. It was fun while it lasted. Now, it’s Foley and Santino. Foley pulls for Socko and Santino pulls for the Cobra as the places LOSES IT! BOOKER: “IT’S LIKE A GUNFIGHT!” YES! I’m loving all of this. They circle each other.

• Epico is next at 10 to end the lovefest. He eats the Cobra and Socko and he’s gone after a few seconds. Bad times for the Colon family. Miz and Cody recover to break up the battle of gimmicks. Cody tosses Santino to boos. Foley avoids the SCF and puts the Mandible Claw on Miz. Cody breaks that up and tosses him to boos. Perfect placement there. You frontload the comedy and some HOFer starpower but you don’t let them upstage the match itself or your current crop of main event heels to stain their credibility. Booker rambles some gibberish. Cole: “That’s Booker’s Jamaican accent, even though Kofi is from Ghana which is in West Africa.” Kofi has dropkicks for Miz and Cody. He springboards in with a double clothesline and then a double Boom Drop. He tries to toss Miz but he hangs on. Cody breaks that up with a dropkick. Lawler is next from the announce table as Book and Cole are aghast that he’d sacrifice his journalistic integrity for a shot at WM. Booker: “King, you didn’t tell me you were in it?” Cole: “Oh c’mon, Booker, he’s just taking away a spot from someone on the roster who deserves it.” Cole’s on fire tonight and on his game. Cody grabs King and Miz goes for the waffle but King ducks and takes both down. Nice follow up on their feud from last year that never really ended. King takes down all of them with rights and dropkicks. King heads up to the second rope and drops the strap for the fist drop to a POP! Cody breaks up nostalgia and dumps King unceremoniously. Cole won’t let up: “Now, King can come back to the table and do his job. No announcer should EVER enter the Royal Rumble.” Zeke is next. Zeke has hair but no heat anymore. He hits some clotheslines and is fired up. He boots Miz in the corner and generally yells really loudly. Zeke with rights on Cody but doesn’t try to eliminate anyway. Booker: “Did anyone tell Zeke the rules?” Funny. Jinder Muhammed Hassan Mahal is next to crickets. Cole spends more effort putting over his headgear than he does most matches. Still, no one cares. Mahal with a neckbreaker on Zeke and boots Kofi around as the crowd chants USA. Never one to let the good name of the US be disgraced, Khali the Punjabi playboy comes out to defend the red, white, and blue. He has brain chops for everyone and tosses Mahal like he’s Daniel Puder or something. Zeke makes a beeline for Khali and that gets him eliminated. Khali now chokes Miz as Kofi tries to backdrop Cody out but he hangs on. Hunico is next. He hits a springboard crossbody on Kofi and a DVD on Miz. Khali brain chops him down and chokes some more. I suppose some dead time was inevitable but it’s about time to bring out someone ELSE the crowd actually cares about. Sure enough, Booker is next at 17. Cole: “NOW YOU?! YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!” Cody goes straight for Booker but gets taken down by a right hand. Nice feud continuity there as well. Booker now goes for Khali but gets headbutted down. Crowd chants for Book as Khali chokes him in the corner. Khali now overhand chops Cody into next week. Miz tries to toss Kofi but he hangs on. Miz now dropkicks his feet off the ropes but KOFI HANDSTAND WALKS OVER THE STAIRS! AWESOME! I don’t think it one ups Morrison’s parkour safe but it’s damn close. Dolph Ziggler is out next to see if he can set a record by losing 5 times in one night. Dolph pounds down Cody and chokes him. Booker tosses Hunico but only one foot hits the ground. Booker now chops him in the corner and hits the hook kick. Khali with a headbutt on Ziggler. Hacksaw Jim Duggan is out next. Crowd eats that up though I swear it seems like he makes an appearance every year and every couple of years at the RR so it lessens the impact for me. He tosses around the heels and clotheslines Hunico down and gives the noggin knocker to Miz and Cody. HOOOOO! He tries a Stinger Splash but Cody avoids and tosses him to more boos. They are giving Miz and Cody the right eliminations to get heat but the guys themselves aren’t doing much in the meantime to keep the pace or momentum going. They need to be poking people in the eyes, giving low blows, sliding under the ropes to take cheap breaks, etc. Cody now mocks the HOOO chant awesomely. NICE! Cody and Dolph team up to dump Book and Khali.

• Cole is number 20 to complete the announce team’s entries. Cole: “YES! YES!” Booker: “WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING?! YOU’RE NOT IN THE RUMBLE!” That’s some awesome heelish condescension from Cole earlier with a great payoff now. He’s even wearing his WM singlet under his suit. Cole slides in and says he’s going to Wrestlemania. The returning Kharma is next at 21 and Cole senses something bad coming for him. Booker: “I HOPE SHE EATS HIM LIKE A LITTLE PIECE OF CHICKEN!” She hits a Ho Train on Cole to a pop. Cole begs off and tries to eliminate himself. King and Book pull him off the apron to finish the job. Ziggler is pissed a woman is in it so she gives him the Tiger Driver for his trouble. Hunico leaps at her and he gets tossed as well. Dolph sneaks her and Kong is out. Vickie laughs at her misfortune. Sheamus is next at 22. He has CELTIC HAMMERS for all and powerslams. Cole on commentary informs the crew that Booker lasted longest among the three but that he was second and King was the shortest. Sheamus catches Kofi and tosses him out. Sheamus hits his CLUBBINGBLOW flurry on Cody and then another on Miz. Dolph tries the Zig Zag but Sheamus avoids and hits the Finlay Roll. Road Dogg Jesse James is next and Cole acknowledges that indeed he IS/WAS in DX. Glad to know we’ve rectified that whitewashing of history. He goes to the jabs and the shake, rattle, and roll on Miz and Cody. He wants the non-somody version of the Doggystyle pumphandle slam and hits it on Miz. Crowd chants that he’s still got it which is a stretch but a nice gesture. Road Dogg tells Ziggler to suck it as Jey Uso is next. Jey dances and superkicks Miz. Jey with the Samoan Semi on Road Dogg and stomps a hole on Miz. Dolph is hung up in the corner but still not out. Jack Swagger is US champ and 25. He abandons the title at the top of the ramp. I’m pretty sure he owes someone $25,000 for that. Swagger does nothing of note before blending into the background. Cody with a gordbuster on Dolph. Wade Barrett is next and he’s wearing a magician’s trenchcoat. He has some right hands for most of the ring but Road Dogg isn’t having that. Well, Wade boots him and tosses him casually. King: “Oh you didn’t know? Well, it’s time to go.” Dolph with a Rocker Dropper on Jey. David Otunga is next at 27. He throws Cody into the corner and chokes him. Speaking of which, Sheamus is just kind of there now and only eliminated ONE PERSON! Way to build him up in case he, ya know, wins it. For the first time, SOMEONE mentions that Dolph is pulling double duty and it’s Booker of all people. Orton is next and he sprints out. He takes down Barrett with a Thesz press and a powerslam. Cody jumps him from behind to stop the RKO build. Orton throws him and Dolph to the apron and he hits the double apron DDT. Orton tosses Jey and hits an RKO on Wade and shitcans him as well. Chris Jericho and his glow in the dark jacket are in the ring now. Crowd chants Y2J as Otunga is out. Cody and Miz at this point are at 40+ minutes.

• Showster is last at 30. Swagger gets thrown out and then shoves an entering Show. Show gives him a KO punch. Show clubs down most of the ring with chops and headbutts. Show goozles Miz and Cody over the top rope and out. That’s it? Show is the one who gets to shine on 40+ minutes of heat? Why not let SHEAMUS the guy who MIGHT go on to win it do that (pssst: he does)? Crowd pops anyway as Show chops the hell out of Ziggler and tosses him as well.

• Final Four: Show, Sheamus, Jericho, and Orton. The others try to jump Show but he fights them off and clotheslines Jericho in the corner. Show with a ChokeSlam on Jericho as Cole nicely points out that they use to be tag champs together. Sheamus clubs Show and Orton hits the RKO. Sheamus and Orton team up. Show smacks away Sheamus but Orton tosses him instead easily. Jericho sneaks Orton and HE’S gone as well. Crowd pops BIG for that elimination. We’re down to Jericho and Sheamus. Just for the record, thus far, Jericho as eliminated Orton, Otunga and Sheamus has only tossed out Kofi and Jack Swagger which wasn’t even on camera. Jericho points at the WM sign to put over the mise en scene. Sheamus: “COME ON FELLA!” Sheamus takes him down with a back elbow and a shoulderblock. Jericho tries a bulldog but Sheamus shoves him away and Jericho almost falls over the top rope. Nice tease there. Jericho punches Sheamus away and hits a missile dropkick. Crowd chants for Y2J but Sheamus comes back with the half nelson backbreaker. Sheamus taunts to a mixed reaction but mostly cheers. He sets up the Razor’s Edge but Jericho slides out and clotheslines him over the top to WIN IT AT—errr… Sheamus hangs on. I would have bet the house on that being the finish live. Sheamus on the apron so Jericho follows up with the springboard dropkick and NOW IT’S OVER—no… Sheamus still survives! Jericho tries to boot him away from the bottom rope but Sheamus avoids and slingshots back in with a shoulerblock. Jericho avoids an elilmination and ducks the pump kick. Jericho with a double leg and hooks in the WALLS OF JERICHO! Sheamus gets the ropes but that’s irrelevant. Jericho releases anyway and says it’s over. Sheamus backdrops him to the apron but Jericho skins the cat to hang on. Jericho sends him back into the turnbuckle and they jockey for position on the top rope. They slug it out and crotch each other but still avoid the floor. Jericho with the Codebreaker out of nowhere. Jericho goes for a cover but we’ll forgive him for that because he’s the man. Jericho: “GET OUTTA THE RING!” Jericho smacks Sheamus a couple times and that seems to wake up the big fella. Jericho again avoids the pump kick. He wants ANOTHER Codebreaker but Sheamus catches him! Sheamus tries to dump him but Jericho still has his hang on the top rope! Sheamus though follows it up with the pump kick and Jericho eats it to the floor at 54:57.

• The first 15 minutes or so are incredible. Everything from the beginning until Epico’s entrance is pitch perfect and might be the best opening stretch in the history of the Rumble. However, after that, there is a real slow 30 minute stretch with nothing of significance really happening. The announcers all getting their opportunity to shine and act offended at the others getting in the match is funny but what’s the driving force — what’s the story of the match at that point? Miz and Cody were set up perfectly to carry the ball and well.. didn’t. Maybe, they should have let Miz cut some promos after eliminating someone like they did Punk a couple years ago. Maybe, Cody should have put bags on eliminated wrestlers. I’m not sure but they just didn’t generate the necessary heel hatred inbetween the eliminations of stars and faces. Also, I’m not thrilled with Show eliminating both since he’s kind of a RR stick in the mud. Good for a threat, but never wins. UT normally gets that courtesy wood-clearing run at the end of the match but he has more aura than Show to make it work. All that being said, Booker-Cody, Miz-A-Ry, Cole-Kharma, Miz-King, Khali-Mahal, Wade-Orton are all nice touches of intersecting storylines to show they care about continuity. Plus, the last 5 minutes with Jericho and Sheamus are phenomenal and Jericho really did a hell of a job putting over Sheamus better than the previous 50 minutes (or 15 or so since his entrance) did. ****

The 411: A very good rumble itself but just kind of an average show. The RR match saves it from being avoided but Punk-Ziggler is only an underwhelming good showing and Cena-Kane is generic for both guys. Skip to the last hour.
Final Score:  6.5   [ Average ]