wrestling / TV Reports

The Cult Of Personality Heat Report 12.07.07

December 10, 2007 | Posted by Sam Caplan

We’re a little late this week because I got stuck out on Long Island for the weekend, but I’m back and READY TO WATCH HEAT!! YEAH!! I wanted to do a little reader feedback, but I’m a bit behind this week so let’s go right into the show and maybe we’ll do that feedback next time. Until then, email me with whatever. My email address is right down at the bottom there.

Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs Two Jobbers

Kendrick starts the match against Jobber. Lockup and Kendrick takes a hammerlock. Jobber reverses, but Kendrick flips through and reverses to a wristlock. Jobber goes to a side headlock and he’s wearing a bandana while he wrestles, which drives me up the fucking wall. Jobber off the ropes and runs right into an armdrag by Kendrick. Tag out to London and a double team Jap armdrag. London drops a knee to the arm and continues working the arm over with a wristlock. Jobber backs London to the corner and starts working him over, but London reverses a cross corner whip. London backdropped to the apron, but gets a sunset flip back into the ring for two, then it’s back to the arm. Tag out to Kendrick who…you guessed it, goes back to work on the arm. London and Kendrick tag in and out for a little more armplay, and are able to duck out of the way of a charge from Other Jobber, and both jobbers are sent to the floor. London and Kendrick come over the top with a double cross body to the floor, and then Kendrick back in with a cross body off the top rope on Jobber for two, but Jobber gets the boot up on a corner charge and tags out to Other Jobber. Other jobber starts giving Kendrick some of his own medicine by working over the arm, and Kendrick tries to fight back, but tags back out to Jobber, who continues working Kendrick’s arm. These guys are all going to look like dismembereed mannequins by the end of this match. Tag out to London who comes in and cleans house on Jobber. Flying clothesline over the top gets two but Other Jobber makes the save. Attempted double suplex by the Jobbers, but Kendrick catches him coming down and a double dropkick puts down the Jobbers. Kendrick gets Sliced Bread #2 and London gets a running shooting star press for three.

Winner: Paul London & Brian Kendrick

Advertisement for the Raw 15th Anniversary Show…a month before the actual 15th anniversary!

Santino Marella vs Super Crazy

This is my first time ever seeing Santino wrestle. Yeah, I watch a lot of WWE. He looks like Chavo Guerrero, and cuts a mildly entertaining promo where he calls his IC Title win over Umaga the greatest moment in the history of Raw, then teases challenging a crowd member to come in and try their hand against him, then changes his mind. I love how the fans are all out there going “OOOOOOH ME ME ME!!” when Santino would almost certainly stomp the fuck out of any of them if they ever got in the ring with him for a shoot. Lockup to start and Santino gets a fireman’s carry, then plays to the crowd. Actually, I take that Chavo remark back: he looks like MVP back when he was Antonio Banks in FIP. Hiptoss to Crazy and Santino takes another bow. Super Crazy is looking REALLY bloated these days. Crazy picks the ankle and gets a flying mare into la magistral cradle for two. Drop toehold and Crazy whips him in for a dropkick. Clothesline takes Santino down and Crazy works him over in the corner. Another cross corner whip, but Santino moves and Crazy eats turnbuckle. Santino goes to work on the ribs, but gets caught in a sunset flip for two. Santino with a gutbuster and continues attacking the midsection. Crazy into the ropes for a knee to the midsection for two. Well, he hooks the leg so he did learn SOMETHING from Jim Cornette. Crazy with a rollup off the ropes for two, but Santino with a knee to the gut to send him to the apron. Back in and Santino whips him into the corner and gets a shoulderblock, but Crazy leapfrogs over another try and gets a Jack Brisco rollup for two. Santino continues kicking at the midsection and gets a kneeling abdominal stretch. Santino lets go of that and starts firing away at the midsection with kicks, but lands on Super Crazy’s knees on a big splash attempt and Crazy starts the comeback. Super Crazy punches him a lot in the corner and gets a double stomp off the ropes, followed by an indy kick to the chest, then another double stomp, another indy kick, and a moonsault for two. Crazy whips him in, but Santino reverses to a headbutt to the ribs and gets the Hero’s Welcome for three count. Santino seems really happy about picking up the win, so I guess he loses a lot on the real WWE show on Monday nights.

Winner: Santino Marella

Another advertisement for the Raw 15th Anniversary Show! I wonder if my fiance would like it if I celebrated our anniversary a month early. Hey, at least I wouldn’t forget it that way, right?

The Highlanders vs Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly

Nice to see that Hardcore Holly has taken a break from watching his hardcore porno movies to make an appearance on Heat and by gawd, he’s getting a crowd reaction and actually smiled! The things you see these days. Robbie goes to the arm, but Cody shoves him off into Rory, who is unhappy. Cody with a waistlock on Robbie, and Robbie backs him into the corner, but misses a back elbow as Cody escapes. Cody looks like a taller, thicker Matt Sydal. Robbie beats him up and takes him to the corner and tags in Rory, who…beats him up. Rory off the ropes with a shoulderblock, but Cody gets a leapfrog and a hiptoss, then…goes to the arm. Tag out to Hardcore Porno Holly, but Rory scurries off into the corner and tags in Robbie. Hardcore…works the arm. Note to all prospective WWE performers: if you want to stay off Heat, don’t spend your entire match working armbars and wristlocks, it’s like the only move any of these guys know. So anyway, Holly works the arm a bunch and Robbie tries to fight out, but Hardcore counters a hiptoss attempt into a bodyslam and then they take turns hitting each other. The Highlanders really work stiff, I’ll give them that. Holly in the corner and works Robbie over with some Chris Benoit style chops, and then lays one in on Rory. Hardcore with a vertical suplex, but only gets two because that move hasn’t actually finished anyone since the 70s. Cody Sydal tags in with his Hogan tights and tan and gets into it with Robbie, then catches Rory in a hiptoss as he tags in, then gives dropkicks to both men. Well, there’s something you didn’t see much out of his old man. Hardcore in with the assist, but Cody gets tossed to the floor as we go to “commercial”.

Yet another ad for the Raw 15th Anniversary Show. I love how they feature the Rock, who is among the last people I expect to see pop up on Raw.

Back to the show as Rory hits and headbutts Cody a lot, then goes to the Zero Effort Surfboard. Robbie tags in and kicks Cody and goes to the WWE Chinlock Of Abstinence. Cody tries to fight out, but Robbie pounds him down and tags out to Rory, who headbutts him in the back for two, then gets on top and just punches the shit out of him. Cody tries to get to his corner, but no dice. Double suplex gets two for the Highlanders as Coach says this would be a huge win. Yeah, Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes are two icons of tag team wrestling if there ever were any. Cody fights out of another boring resthold and goes for a backdrop, but gets kicked in the mouth like all good babyfaces. Rory with more of the usual, then tags out to Robbie and Rory whips Cody into Robbie’s knees for two. Rory tags back in, but Cody starts fighting back. Rory catches him in a bearhug, but Cody rolls through with a sunset flip for two and a double clothesline takes both men out. Hardcore really wants to get in the ring, and Cody finally makes the tag. Hardcore’s in and starts beating the crap out of Robbie. Hardcore with a nice dropkick for two and Rory saves, so Hardcore suckerpunches him off the apron and gets the Alabama Slam on Robbie for three.

Winner: Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes

And that’s another one in the books. Thanks for reading, thanks for writing, and thanks in general for communicating, because communication is the key to solving all problems.

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Sam Caplan

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