The MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks: 06.20.08

Hey everybody, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled week-end dose of internet ‘rasslin optimism. Here’s hoping your summer vacation has been off to a rousing and rest-filled start, and thanks again for tuning in for the weekly wrap-up on all things wrestling ***RIGHT HERE*** on 411wrestling.com.

(pause for cheap pop applause)

A special thanks to everyone who’s taken the time out of their busy schedules to post a comment or two (or ten…) at the bottom of each of these weekly outings. Some might even say that the comment section of this column is a bigger weekly draw than Vinny Mac’s Million Dollar Mania 😉

HIYO!!!!

I keed, I keed.

Alrighty then — jibber jabber aside, let’s see what all we’ve got in the way of actual honest-to-goodness Wrestling News this week, yes?

Yeesh… that bad, eh?

Well let’s take advantage of the “FreeThinks” title of this column, for a second — and see how clever we can get in the “pad this sucker out” department in order to make it worth your reading pleasure all the same, eh? (Incidentally, you may have noticed that a pretty sizable chunk of the 411 community has resorted to a cadre of cheap video interludes and crudely executed PhotoShops in an attempt to mask the relative dearth of ‘rasslin news over the past few weeks. This column will be no exception).

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING WHATSOEVER
But Holy Crap is it Awesome All the Same

I’m sure you’ve seen this one before — but the remix totally makes it worth a second watch. Speakers on, folks:

Oh right — WRESTLING NEWS!

Rock & Roll.

WWE Draft Lottery Set to Return
Wrestling’s #1 Promotion to Reshuffle Rosters Next Week

Obviously the biggest single news item (heck — perhaps the ONLY real news item) of the mainstream North American professional wrestling week has been the continued talk of next week’s draft lottery. By way of recap, we’ve discussed this one in passing over the past several weeks… at which time I made the following predictions:

William Regal (quietly reshuffled off of RAW to return after his suspension wraps)
Umaga (who is totally wasted on the red brand these days)
Chris Jericho (whose career could absolutely take off with a swap to Smackdown)
MVP or Matt Hardy (the blue brand isn’t big enough for both men)
Batista or Edge (just because Undertaker has always been the cornerstone of Smackdown)
CM Punk (has accomplished everything he can on ECW, and could use a change of scenery)
Big Show (ECW-bound? Headed to Mondays? Don’t say I didn’t call it!)

Obviously, a few things have changed in the WWE landscape since those predictions were made just about a month ago. Most specifically, RAW mainstay Chris Jericho now finds himself smack-dab in the midst of a just-south-of-main-event storyline (opposite Shawn Michaels), and so the likelihood of him being jettisoned to a B or C show is looking slimmer and slimmer by the day. Ditto for HBK himself, who was once rumored to be Smackdown!-bound but then was revealed to be (presumably) sticking put on Monday nights on account of the fact that he has worship services each Wednesday morning, which would conflict with the Tuesday night taping schedule of Smackdown!.

So where does this leave us?

If Jericho is staying put on RAW (as I’m assuming he will be), that means that the red brand is suddenly +1 in terms of credible main eventers that won’t soon be headed elsewhere. While this is by no means a BAD thing, of course (after all, RAW continues to draw WWE’s highest ratings — and thus *should* continue to serve as the center stage for the promotion’s hottest stars)… the bottom line is that draft lottos in the past have typically ended up one-sided (translation: RAW wins and everywhere else loses), and WWE seems to be hinting at the notion that they’re going to give it a better effort of an evenhanded mixup with this year’s roster reshuffle.

Now, of course —

Whether or not WWE actually manages to follow through with this plan remains to be seen… but the long and short of things is that RAW seems to be headed for a talent influx, and so they’re going to need to trade away at least *one* “big name” in order to justify bringing in another similarly high-profile talent.

So who’s staying?

Triple H seems like a lock, as does HBK and Jericho (for reasons discussed above). But guys like Umaga, William Regal, Randy Orton, JBL, Mr. Kennedy, and Jeff Hardy suddenly seem to be staring at a whole lotta nothing if they’re forced to stick around the red brand and wait for one of the other main eventers to end up on the injured reserve. Same goes for John Cena — who’s white hot in the merchandise and media-friendly department, but who has pretty well exhausted just about every viable top-level feud that Monday night’s current roster can throw at him. But then again, Cena is WWE’s biggest cash cow, and so it might be a longshot to see him shuffled away from their highest-rated program.

MeeThinks?

If I’m betting on who’s leaving RAW, I’d put money on some combination of Umaga, Regal, JBL and/or Jeff Hardy. Longer odds on Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton, and a total shot-in-the-dark, one-in-a-million chance at a John Cena departure being the “big surprise” of the year.

Switching our focus to the other brands (which we’ll take together, as they’re pretty well merged by this point all the same — though this is soon to change now that ECW will be touring with the RAW brand)…

Edge seems all but guaranteed to remain the number one guy on Smackdown, especially because we’re in store for a “wedding” between the Rated R Superstar and the blue brand’s general manager just a few days after the draft is in the books. Of course, they could always use the whole draft angle to pull a bait-and-switch on the promised Edge/Vickie payoff we’ve been hearing so much about in recent months… but I’m going to stick with conventional wisdom and say that this guy will be right where we left him come next Friday night.

The Undertaker is likewise a non-factor in this year’s draft, seeing as how his current “banishment” storyline has all but removed him from WWE programming (well, the televised stuff, at least). He’ll be back well before the next draft installment, of course… but don’t expect his name to come up in this year’s reshuffling.

Big Show is an interesting prospect, as the guy seems primed for a battle-of-the-big-men feud against just about everyone WWE has left on any of their three rosters. Kane is first in line, and Mark Henry seems to be just waiting in the wings… but perhaps a feud with Umaga could really help give each of these men something worthwhile to do as we wind our way through the summer months, and so MeeThinks a lot of where Show winds up will hinge on the fate (and ultimate destination) of the Samoan Bulldozer. And so if Umaga switches off of RAW, expect Show to stay put.

MVP and CM Punk seem about as close to “layups” as one will find for this year’s draft, as both guys seem to be nipping at the heels of full-on superstardom, yet niether man is doing anything of note on his respective roster. While a change of scenery doesn’t always work out in the favor of an up-and-comer draftee (just ask Mr. Kennedy), it seems all but certain that one — or both — of these gents will be headed to greener pastures come next Monday night.

That pretty much leaves us with Batista and the soon-to-return Rey Mysterio, both of whom are Smackdown cornerstones, and both of whom are insanely popular with the heavily Latino-based demographic of the show’s audience. Since a proper World Title program between Edge and Mysterio never really had the chance to see the light of day (thanks to Rey’s untimely injury this past winter), odds are good that WWE will be revisiting the Edge vs. Rey Rey rivalry in the very near future… perhaps even as soon as the much-rumored Edge/Vickie “wedding” angle in the near future (as we all know, wrestling weddings in general — and Edge’s in particular — never quite seem to go off according to plan). This leaves Rey right back in the thick of things, which might just mean that Big Dave is on the outside looking in. Needless to say, MeeThinks it’s only a matter of time before The Animal is unleased from the blue brand and allowed to bring his A-game elsewhere… possibly even right on back to the “A” show.

Regardless —

With ratings sitting just north of “uncomfortably lower than average,” WWE’s draft lottery has some serious work ahead of it if fans are going to be expected to tune back in to the program over the days, weeks, and months to come. Though this week’s RAW rating bounced slightly over last week’s 3.0 gaffe, the bottom line is that Million Dollar Mania alone simply ain’t enough to keep folks’ attention… and so WWE had better think big picture, new stars and fresh feuds when they serve up this year’s installment of the roster reshuffle in just a few short days. MeeThinks they *want* to do that, mind you — but only time will tell if they’ll actually be able to deliver on such a promise.

Since news is so ridiculously light this week (other news in brief: Michael Hayes is back from suspension — which we’ve already covered; Phil Astin is headed for all sorts of legal trouble — which we already knew), MeeThinks its only fair to put in a “bonus feature” of ‘rasslin-related distractions in order to make y’all feel as if you’ve gotten your money’s worth out of this week’s column. Well ok — so even if you didn’t actually *pay* to read this sucker… it’s the least I can do. Wouldn’t want those message board trolls to come out of their mama’s basements and call Mee lazy or anything…

Comment Section Guy With a Chip on His Shoulder and WAAAAY Too Much Time On His Hands:

Meehan: (groan) How original…

Comment Section Guy With a Chip on His Shoulder and WAAAAY Too Much Time On His Hands:

Meehan: Sigh… what’s next? LOLcats? Chocolate Rain? The Ooga-Chaka Baby? It never ends…

Which brings us to internet rule numero uno, kiddies:

ANYHOW —

Since news is light, I thought it’d be fun to take a few minutes and stroll down memory lane with a GRATUITOUS TOP FIVE COUNTDOWN! We’ll pencil this sucker in as a “casual” recurring feature, depending on how well it fares and how light the news may be in the coming weeks. But for starters, let’s kick it off right with a video-heavy countdown of the MeeThinks Top Five Awesome Entrance Themes in Recent WWE History.

Here goes nothing (of substance)!

Awesome Entrance Theme #5: Kerwin White

Short-lived on account of the untimely passing of Eddie Guerrero, the Kerwin White gimmick was probably going nowhere fast regardless. Still, it boasted one of –>THE

Awesome Entrance Theme #4: Victoria “All The Things She Said”

Rolling into WrestleMania 20, Victoria was riding high as WWE’s resident batshit-loco Diva extraordinaire. And who better to sing the themesong for a closeted psychopath than a pair of prepubescent Russian pseudo-sapphic-teenage girls? Though this gimmick and this entrance theme would eventually be phased out for Vicky’s current schtick (the *far* less impressive “I ain’t the lady to mess with”), for a time there it was easily the best intro in professional wrestling.

Awesome Entrance Theme #3: Rob Conway “Just Look at Me”

If it weren’t for the fact that this gimmick was so thoroughly flaming, Rob Conway might have actually found himself something of a niche in the RAW midcard not so long ago. Tragically, wrestling fans took the cue from the words “Just look at me!” to line up in droves for the arena restrooms. As such, The ConMan was relegated to jobber status in short order, and so televised entrance music became something of a rarity.

*And lest you think Mee a liar for calling this particular gimmick “flaming,” I’d kindly like to point out the staggering similarities between Rob Conway’s “The ConMan” look and South Park’s resident S&M aficionado, Mr. Slave:

I rest my case.

Awesome Entrance Theme #2: Maven

In addition to sporting the second best dropkick in the business (huzzah Bob Holly!), the original Tough Enough champion also happened to — in my mind, at least — lay claim to what was quite possibly the second coolest entrance theme in recent WWE history. Maybe it’s just because I’m a sucker for that opening guitar riff… but holy snow, Batman — Maven’s entrance kicked all sorts of ass.

Awesome Entrance Theme #1: Christian “At Last”

When Christian (Cage) finally made the split from his onscreen-brother-and-longtime-teammate Edge just before the ill-fated WCW inVasion storyline, wrestling fans were treated to this little ditty as our reward. Throw in the ridiculously self-important (ahem) “golden shower” of fireworks that accompanied this bad boy, and you had a tailor-made recipe for full-blown heelish success. Of course, we all know how THAT one turned out — but damn if the entrance theme isn’t all kinds of sweet nonetheless.

And With That, I’m Outta’ Here

Well, that’ll do it for Mee again this week. Like I said above (and time and again throughout), no news isn’t necessarily no news column — but it’s certainly no excuse to go blowing smaller news stories out of proportion in a desperate attempt to fill a word count. Have a great weekend wherever you are (I’ll be Crabfesting and enjoying the SilverDocs film festival, myself), and always stay positive.

– Meehan

The National Domestic Violence Hotline : [phone]-SAFE.