The RAWtopsy – 11.06.06

Hey Mr. Dunn…

Great stuff man, I enjoy all of your work.

Don’t mean to nit-pick though, but I’d just like to
helpfully point out that ‘Jonathon’ Coachman’s name is
actually spelt ‘Jonathan’, w/ an A. Even though they
are no longer on TV, ‘Farooq’ is spelt w/ 2
A’s(Faarooq), and Golddust is spelt w/ only one D. As
a fellow writer I just couldn’t help but point that
out.

Keep up the good work man! Sean

Yeah, the Coachman thing is just my own preference. I don’t know. It seems to fit him more.

Golddust/Goldust I’ve seen both ways, but the official spelling is apparently “Goldust” (actually, I think if you look through the archives, I’ve spelled it both ways too).

Farooq is also both ways on WWE.com, but I believe convention says only one “a” after he joined the Acolytes.

WWE Raw
by J.D. Dunn

November 6, 2006

Live from Columbus, Ohio.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Randy Orton, Edge and a vamped-out Lita open the show. It’s the Rated RKO era so there will be no DX shilling their merch. I think I’m going to copy that skeezy T-shirt with a nice jacket look that Orton’s got going. Special Guest Referee Eric Bischoff comes out and thanks the fans for voting for him so he could screw DX out of a victory. The whole thing turns into an awards speech where he thanks everyone who helped him get to where he got today. As a result of his great performance last night, Bischoff gets to be General Manager for a day. His first act is to give Cena the night off. His second act is to ban DX from the building. His third act? Promoting Diamond Dallas Page to the Ambassador of Lichtenstein. Ric Flair and Roddy Piper interrupt the proceedings for no real reason other than for Flair to say he beat up Bischoff once and to give Bischoff an excuse to make a tag team title match for later tonight. Do you realize it’s been nearly a year that Vince has been “looking for a replacement GM?” I think he’s using the same method OJ is to look for “the real killer.”

John Cena make a movie film. If you not watch. He execute.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Hardy vs. Johnny Nitro (w/Melina).
Nitro and Melina were two of the four people who attended K-Fed’s album party. The other two were K-Fed himself and Paris Hilton, who just went there to get away from the media. Nitro has apparently raided Ric Flair’s wardrobe for his new coat. Jeff knocks Johnny and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat to the floor and hits a pescado. Melina interferes and gets a warning. She trips up Jeff a second time for the DQ at 1:28. Yeah, like that’s the fin–Eric Bischoff interrupts my sentence to restart the match as a “no DQ” match.

We ReJIP to Nitro ripping off Senshi’s springboard roundhouse kick. They collide for a double KO spot. Jeff busts out his reverse giri for two. The Whisper in the Wind gets two more. Melina interferes wholesale with a choke, so Jeff flips her over his shoulder and goes up for the Swanton. Nitro crotches him on the top and nails him with the IC belt for the win and the title at 3:36. *

A spot for Cyber Sunday brags that nearly 15 million people voted. That’s the difference between poling and turnout because the actual buyrate will probably be 1-percent of that.

In the back, Bischoff makes a match between the Spirit Squad and Eugene & Jim Duggan, the stipulation being that the losing team must split up. Oh, and he hasn’t forgotten that Maria testified against him at the trial, so he makes a Maria vs. Umaga match. They should have Umaga fall in love with her like King Kong.

K-Fed appears on the Titantron to challenge John Cena to a match on New Year’s Day. They finally do some long-term booking and THIS is what they come up with?!!! I use three exclamation marks to express my shock.

Losers Must Break Up: The Spirit Squad vs. Eugene & Jim Duggan.
They tease some dissension in the ranks of the Squad, but Eugene winds up playing face-in-peril. He comes back with a Rock Bottom and gets the hot tag to Duggan. Hacksaw cleans house on the Squad but gets distracted by one of the outside members, allowing Mikey to roll him up for the win at 2:38. EPIC~! After the match, Eugene hugs Jim Duggan and then turns on him and leaves him laying. EUGENE IS A COMMIE?! Wow, suckering Duggan into turning his back is quite an intricate plan for someone with a severe learning disability. 1/2*

Roddy Piper’s DVD comes out on Nov. 14. Wow, and he just defeated Dusty Rhodes and Sgt. Slaughter in a completely unrigged election! I love it when a plan comes together. Anyway, it looks pretty good with lots of stuff about Mid-Atlantic.

Umaga (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. Maria (w/Jonathan Coachman).
Don’t worry, Coach is just there to make sure Maria can’t run away. It’s not like they met at the Playboy party. Umaga gives her a Samoan Drop after copping a feel for a good sixty seconds. He sets her up in the corner and gives her the Buttalanche. Maria is clinically dead, so NOW John Cena makes the save. I like how Cena stops to cut a funny promo while they’re scooping up the pancake that was Maria. “Sure, I care about her, but I’m not going to cry about it!” He gives Todd Grisham an FU and accepts a match with just about everyone on the roster and K-Fed. 1/4*

Bisch and Lita bond in the back. Lita’s hair has gone from “teased” to “bedhead” in about an hour. Bischoff makes himself the special referee.

Elsewhere, Carlito and Torrie Wilson talk about how great their date was. Sure, he puts on a solid front, but he’s crying for Trish on the inside. Shelton Benjamin comes in to complain that he didn’t get voted in because he’s black. Remember kids, if you complain about racism, it’s not because it exists. It’s because you’re a whiner. Farooq, who actually did this gimmick right, gets off his catchphrase.

Chris Masters vs. Jerry Lawler.
Bischoff makes a Masters vs. Jim Ross match, but Lawler mouths off and winds up getting inserted into the match. Wow, if only Lawler had thought of getting up instead of complaining while Umaga was kicking the shit out of Maria. To make things fair, Lawler is handcuffed to the top rope. Masters gives him a beating and finishes with the Masterlock at 1:35. 1/4*

Shelton Benjamin vs. Carlito.
Cryme Tyme joins the commentary crew to replace Lawler, proving once again that all black athletes in the WWE have a gravitational pull toward one another. Like genetic mutation, I can observe it but not explain it. Carlito is way happy-go-lucky on the way to the ring, so Shelton jumps him from behind to take over. Carly counters the roundhouse kick to a rolling flapjack. Cryme Tyme decides to steal Shelton’s chain and Hawaiian shirt (wow, they’ll steal anything), distracting Shelton long enough for Carlito to finish with the Lungblower at 2:37. Hopefully, it leads to a Haas/Benjamin reunion. 1/2*

WWE Women’s Title: Lita vs. Mickie James.
Jonathan Coachman replaces Cryme Tyme on commentary, making fun of Ross being uncomfortable around black people. Lita announces a new stipulation: Mickie has to fight with one hand tied behind her back. Now that is totally and completely different than the stipulation in the Lawler/Masters match. Lita misses a moonsault early, and Mickie stomps a mudhole. Funny moment as Mickie falls forward and puts her tied hand out to brace herself, showing that she has virtually full range of motion. Lita comes back and finishes with the DDT at 1:28. 1/4*

World Tag Team Titles, No DQ: Ric Flair & Roddy Piper vs. Randy Orton & Edge (w/Lita).
Eric Bischoff is the special referee. He gives Edge a quick count off a missile dropkick. Flair rolls out of the way to avoid a flying crossbody. Bischoff gives Piper a slow count now. He also declares Piper’s sleeper a choke hold. Um, what are you going to do? Disqualify him? See, this is where only those with a frontal lobotomy can fully enjoy the match. Why do they bother with tags? If Bischoff really wants Piper and Flair to lose, why not just signal that they submitted? It’s not like it hasn’t been done before…in November. I know what you’re saying: you just have to turn your brain off and enjoy it. And my response to that is “why does everything have to cater to the stupid people?” And then you’re all like, “shut up!” Anyway, Bischoff gets bumped, allowing an impartial ref to come down. DX shows up (I know, I’m shocked too). Superkick to Orton. Flair’s on top. The champs retain at 7:14. Yeah, don’t want the heels to look good on two straight shows. That might lead to a hot feud over the tag titles. Bischoff takes a Pedigree for his sins. Big Dick Johnson comes out to give Bischoff a strip tease and a stinkface. I can read the PWInsider headline now: Many backstage were said to be upset with the Big Dick Johnson gimmick, but the gimmick is apparently a favorite of Vince McMahon’s. *

Final Thoughts: The “night of 1,000 stipulations” ruined any possibility of good wrestling on the undercard. Bad booking and wrestling all around tonight. Here’s a little storytelling tidbit: the protagonist is only as interesting as the hill he has to climb, and if your antagonist is taking two steps back for every step forward, that’s just not interesting at all. Sure, Bischoff getting a fecal facial was cute now, but it’s just another in a long line of “cute” segments that don’t add up to much.