The SmarK RAW Rant – March 22 2004

The SmarK RAW Rant – March 23 2004

– Live from Detroit, MI.

– Your hosts are JR, King, Cole & Tazz.

– This is from a slightly-rushed pen-and-paper version, which is pretty rare for me these days. I also couldn’t find my stopwatch until after the first match, so you’ll just have to suffer without knowing the time of the first match.

– So it’s lottery day, and Vince lets Eric and Heyman know that there will be 12 picks total, and each person will pick members of the opposing show. That’s a much better idea than throwing EVERYONE into one big hopper and just rearranging the shows.

– We start with Bischoff and Heyman on the stage like with Flair & Vince all those years ago, and Heyman makes his first pick from RAW – Renee Dupree. Good move on their part, since he has potential. Too bad Conway is stuck with the dead weight of Grenier, though. Dupree heads out to the ring to let us know that he doesn’t want his last RAW memory to be a beating from Austin, he wants a match! Man, the French just don’t stop whining, do they?

– Chris Jericho v. Renee Dupree. They slug it out to start in the corner, and Jericho hammers him down and gets an elbow, then chops away. Rollup into the Walls, but Dupree makes the ropes. Jericho dropkicks him off the apron, and back in, but Dupree comes back with a dropkick of his own for two. It’s the OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH DANCE, into an elbow for two, but Jericho rolls him up for two on another try. Chops from Jericho, but he walks into a clothesline for two. Jericho trips Dupree up, however, and gets the running enzuigiri for the pin. Decent little meaningless match. *1/2 Steve Austin gives Dupree another stunner afterwards, just to make sure he doesn’t get over.

– And now, it’s time for Bischoff’s first pick: Shelton Benjamin, thus breaking up my favorite tag team of the past couple of years. I guess they see big things in the guy, but there’s no way TWGTT had run its course yet, and there’s bubkus for other tag teams on Smackdown, so I have to count this one as a negative.

– Kane v. Rico. Rico attacks, but gets chokeslammed at 0:28. DUD. Kane threatens both GMs, wanting to not be on the same show as Undertaker.

– Heyman’s #2 pick: Mark Jindrak, thus breaking up my other favorite tag team…oh, wait, I don’t give a fuck about him, sorry. Although I still don’t get their continued fascination with pushing this guy, since he’s shown nothing in the way of payoff for their time and effort.

– Bischoff’s #2 pick: Nidia. This show gets lamer. I guess the idea is to help the women’s division out, but sending Lita down to OVW and teaching her to work would be 100x more effective, since she’s actually over.

– Heyman’s next pick is interrupted by John Cena, who totally should be on RAW. He cuts a hilarious promo against Heyman, and then makes the next pick for Heyman. It turns out to be HHH, complete with backstage spit-take. Oh my god, Benoit might make it past Backlash with the title yet! Everyone backstage is happy to see him go. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.

– Christian v. Spike Dudley. Yes, it’s the rematch the world demanded! I’m gonna be bummed if Trish’s whole purpose in life has been reduced to cheerleading for Christian, though. Spike spears him to start, and stomps away in the corner, but makes the mistake of going after Trish. Christian catches him and drops him on the tope, then chokes away and pounds him down. Spike comes back with a DDT for two. Rollup gets two. He dodges a charge and Christian hits the floor, and Spike follows with a plancha. Back in, Christian crotches him and tries a suplex, but Spike puts him down for the flying stomp, which gets two. Christian dodges a blind charge and finishes the Unprettier at 3:18. Man, Spike just keeps working his ass off. Too much offense for him in against someone who is supposed to be a pushed heel, but whatever. *1/2

– Bischoff and Heyman run off to find Vince, and the end result is Heyman pitching Eddie Guerrero v. HHH tonight for the title. Ever get that sinking feeling?

– Back to the stage, as Bischoff makes his #3 pick: Rhyno. And just because he wants to shake things up, Rhyno gets a title shot tonight.

– RAW tag titles: Booker T & RVD v. Ric Flair & Batista. I must have missed all the **** matches that Evolution had to justify getting another shot at the titles. Booker overpowers Flair to start and gets a dropkick, but Flair chops back and brings in Batista. He walks into an elbow and RVD comes in, going up with a high cross for two. He dropkicks the knee and catapults Batista into Booker’s sidekick for two. Booker gets caught in the heel corner, and Flair lays in the chops. Booker fires back, resulting in a Flair Flop and a backdrop out of the corner. Cheapshot turns the tide, however, and Flair gets a chop for two. Flair drops a knee and resumes chopping. Booker runs into an elbow, and Flair goes up, and you know the rest. Tag to RVD, which I wouldn’t call particularly hot, as he comes in with a frog splash, but bails as we take a break. We return with Booker coming back on Batista, bringing RVD in with a missile dropkick for two. Flair clips RVD behind the ref’s back, however, and goes to work on the knee. Figure-four, but Rob makes the ropes. Back to the corner, as Flair chops him, but RVD comes back with the enzuigiri and heel kick. Back to Book, who slugs away on Batista and overpowers him. Clotheslines abound and Bookend for Batista, setting up the axe kick for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Rolling Thunder for Flair follows, but RVD hits Booker with a kick by mistake, and Batista finishes Booker with a demon bomb at 13:30 to regain the titles. What an utterly pointless title reign that ended up being. Match was okayish, but a big mess overall with no real flow to it. *3/4

– Heyman’s #4 pick: RVD. What a HUGE coincidence.

– RAW World title: Chris Benoit v. Rhyno. Benoit elbows him down to start and chops away in the corner, then dodges a clothesline, but gets powerbombed into the corner for two. Rhyno goes for the Sharpshooter, but Benoit makes the ropes. Rhyno pounds the back, but gets taken down for a Sharpshooter attempt by Benoit, which is quickly blocked. Rhyno uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS, but Benoit gets the rolling germans. To the top for the flying headbutt, which gets two. Rhyno comes back with a spinebuster and sets up for the GOAR, but Benoit dodges and finishes with the crossface at 4:35. Same match they’ve done a million times. *1/2

– Meanwhile, Shawn wants to be traded to Smackdown, but Bischoff instead offers to suck up with all his might from now on and offers him a title shot at Backlash instead. OK, that should rock.

– Bischoff’s #4 pick is Tajiri (don’t get that one at all), Heyman picks Teddy Long for his #5 pick (ditto). Bischoff picks Edge #5, and Heyman finishes with Spike Dudley. I can’t stand much more of this excitement. Bischoff’s final pick is…Paul Heyman? That’s probably the start of the ECW angle, although I can’t say as I’m thrilled to see the gutter trash of the wrestling world getting another timeslot to bury. Hey, maybe they can pull the Hardcore title out of the trash like Hacksaw Duggan did with the TV title. And indeed, rather than change shows, Heyman quits and storms off. Eric head to the ring to gloat, but Edge returns and spears him to begin his presumed monster push. Quite the disappointing reaction, you’d have to think. And this was a super hot crowd all night.

– Smackdown World title: Eddie Guerrero v. HHH. Eddie plays mindgames to start, and HHH grabs a headlock. He overpowers Eddie, but gets hiptossed and armbarred. HHH quickly makes the ropes. Eddie works the arm (injured by Benoit, as they remind us) and HHH keeps going to the ropes. They head outside, but HHH meets the post. Back in, HHH USES THE KNEE and we take a break. We return with HHH in control after sending Eddie into the stairs. He slams him on the table and they head back in, as HHH whips him into the corner a few times to work the back. That gets two. HHH backdrops him for two. Backbreaker and he goes to the abdominal stretch, using the ropes. Eddie comes back with a headscissors and a dropkick. Back elbow, but he walks into a sleeper, then reverses to a backdrop suplex for two. HHH charges, but Eddie blocks and gets a flying armdrag for two. HHH hits him with a facecrusher for two. To the top, but he lands in an atomic drop, but since steroids have since shriveled anything there, he’s able to recover with a Pedigree attempt. Eddie reverses it into the rolling verticals. Evolution comes in for the distraction, however, and HHH gets a DDT, but Cena and Mysterio appear and chase them away. I sense a DQ coming. HHH grabs the title, but Shawn Michaels now sneaks in with a superkick and Eddie goes up, until Christian trips him up, and RVD runs in, and that’s FINALLY enough people for the referee to NOTICE, and it’s a no-contest at 13:55. This was going along quite swimmingly before the big schmoz finish, as HHH has been bringing the workrate as of late. ***1/2

– We finish with a giant RAW v. Smackdown brawl, as all the rosters empty out and fight to end the show. Well, that’s always fun.

The Bottom Line:

Not a great show wrestling-wise, but a lot more interesting and fun than the first draft, and it was the first show in quite a while that I was legitimately excited to see leading up to it. And if HHH keeps pulling these good matches out of his ass, he might get off my bad list for a while.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention there.