The SmarK RAW Rant – March 29 2004

The SmarK RAW Rant – March 29, 2004

– Live from Cincinnati, OH.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: Evolution is out to further bury the legend of Mick Foley, and Orton (sans tonsils – I guess they’re at 0%) endures the pain to call Mick a coward. Well, apparently Foley appreciates pain, because he comes out to answer. Yup, Orton sure was able to beat a Hollywood actor and a guy who writes children’s books while 3-on-2, he opines. And so they set up the singles match to settle things at Backlash, with Evolution banned from ringside. And it’s for the title. Which is kind of the same situation as Foley walked out on originally. Ah, but it’s a street fight, too, and Orton’s up for it.

– Meanwhile, the RAW jobbers haze Tajiri by getting him to mist Coachman, which makes for a pretty funny sell by Coach. Funny stuff.

– Nidia v. Molly Holly. More miraculous hair growth from Molly, who now has curly brown hair. Eet ees not a vig! Nidia gets tossed to the apron to start and sent into the post, and Molly dropkicks her on the mat back in the ring. Nidia slugs back, and gets a rollup for two. Clotheslines and a catapult into the corner set up a northern lights suplex for two. God, how can she wrestle with those things? Molly takes her down again, working the arm, but misses a handspring, and Nidia pulls off the wig and gets the rollup for the pin at 2:51. God, it’s like someone out of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out or something. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Eric is REALLY disappointed with the quality of Johnny Spade’s toadying, and he books Edge v. Kane at Backlash, which is gonna make for a sucky match. I thought the idea was HHH v. Edge for that PPV?
And is it just me, or does Johnny remind anyone else of the lovechild of Raven and Steven Richards?

– HHH lays out Hurricane before gracing us with his presence again. Who needs Kevin Nash when we’ve got our own Poochie? And he promises us that he’ll get the World title shot at Backlash instead of Shawn, and if you can’t guess where THIS is going, you have no business reading this rant. And indeed, Bischoff joins us and immediately inserts him back into the title match, making it another three-way. The degree of sucking up by Bischoff is truly awe-inspiring. Hey, great to have HHH back after that, uh, ZERO WEEK break from him. You know, back in 1994, they didn’t IMMEDIATELY book a rematch between Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon, which is why it’s still remembered as a classic match. You’ve got three guys and another fresh match in Benoit v. Michaels or Benoit v. a few other people, and there’s no point in wasting the juice on another three-way.

– Meanwhile, Evolution lays out Shelton Benjamin for laughing at them during the draft. What is this, Oz?

– Lance Storm joins us, and he’s angry about the awful, awful music and silly dancing. Me too, man.

– Rhyno v. Lance Storm. Storm attacks to start, but gets caught with a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER and it’s GOAR GOAR GOAR at 0:32. Um, wasn’t he a heel last week?

– Meanwhile, Tajiri practices his “Sycophantic English”, but Coach out-bullshits him and gets him a match against Kane tonight.

– RAW tag titles: Ric Flair & Batista v. Chris Benoit & Shawn Michaels. Your special referee: Johnny Nitro, the former Johnny Spade. Chops are all over to start as Benoit starts with Flair, but Flair goes for the figure-four and gets taken into the crossface. Batista quickly saves, and Shawn hits them with a pescado. Back in, Benoit works on Batista’s leg and brings in Shawn for a splash on it, but Flair gets in, only to get taken down by Shawn into a figure-four. Oh, cheeky. Flair makes the ropes, so Shawn suplexes him and brings in Benoit for some more chops, and they’re the type that cause you to ring off the turnbuckles. Flair Flop and Benoit keeps stomping, but Flair chops him down again and brings Batista back in. Benoit elbows him down and Shawn comes back in, hitting Batista with a boot out of the corner, and he throws chops of his own. He wishes he was Benoit. Shawn pounds away in the corner, and Benoit baseball slides the arm. That’s pretty damn cool. He pounds the arm to keep Batista on the mat, but Shawn walks into the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER, and Flair drops a knee and whips Shawn into the corner. Butterfly suplex gets two. JR makes a joke about Johnny’s belt buckle before I can, but I will add that he could be an honorary Calgarian with that thing. Batista gets a snap powerslam for two. Flair comes in and works the ribs, laying in the chops, but Shawn returns fire. Oh man, why even try? Collision and Flair stupidly goes up, and gets slammed off for the millionth time. It’s so sad to see what used to be a big spot reduced to comedy. Benoit gets the hot tag and beats the shit out of Flair’s chest, setting up the rolling germans, and it’s Sharpshooter time. Hey, there’s history there, too. Batista lays him out with a killer lariat, however, drawing Shawn in for an argument with the ref, and we take a break. We return with tags on both sides, as Shawn makes the comeback and it’s BONZO GONZO, and Benoit suplexes Batista and dumps him off a double-team clothesline. Flying headbutt for Flair sets up the superkick from Shawn for the pin and the titles at 14:36. OK, where’s the Dusty Finish? Oh, there it is, as Batista complains that Flair wasn’t legal, so the match must continue. So we continue, and Shawn slugs down Nitro and the would-be champs clean house, and it’s a DQ instead. God bless Vince Russo for inventing these kinds of finishes. Match was going along really well before the commercial break killed it dead and the finish shoveled dirt on it. **1/2 New buddies Shawn & Chris beat up on Johnny Nitro afterwards.

– Meanwhile, Shelton Benjamin complains about his beating to Bischoff. Geez, what a pussy. Be a man and run him over with a truck or something. Austin butts in and concurs, telling him to challenge HHH tonight. Yeah, he’s gonna die. I would have gone with the truck.

– The Highlight Reel returns, as Jericho promises REVENGE, but not tonight. Trish is the guest. Her explanation: A real man would have hopped on one leg to sacrifice himself and save her from Christian. She’s kinda got a point – Jericho has been a bit of a woman since the bet. Trish finishes her spiel, and then Jericho hits a homerun with a whole slew of slut jokes and resurrects the “Filthy Dirty Disgusting Brutal Bottom-Feeding Trashbag Ho” line, just for her, and turns it into a singalong. I dunno, with anyone but Stephanie, it’s just not the same. Well, at least he’s over her. Thank god Jericho was there to bail her out, though, because her portion of the interview was like something out of her debut in 2000.

– Meanwhile, Christian comforts Trish, and it’s apparently Christian v. Jericho again at the PPV.

– Tajiri v. Kane. This is no-DQ, so you’d think he’d just use the black mist. Tajiri has also apparently turned face again after months as a heel. Tajiri throws kicks to start and gets nowhere, as Kane clotheslines him and no-sells the handspring elbow. Chokeslam is blocked with more kicks, but the big boot isn’t. Kane goes up and misses the flying clothesline, and Tajiri gets the Tarantula, but Kane dumps him. Kane pounds him on the floor, but takes a weak bump into the post and gets misted for the countout at 1:44. Yeah, and so what? Kane destroys him afterwards anyway, nullifying any point to the win, until Edge makes the save. Because Edge really cares about the Japanese, I guess. DUD I hate those stupid token non-wins where you make the guy look like a total jobber and give him a meaningless screwjob win. It doesn’t help anyone. And Kane looked terrible, stumbling around and just generally looking totally unmotivated to sell anything at any point. They’re gonna kill Edge dead out of the gates if he stinks it up like that at the PPV.

– Meanwhile, Benoit gives Shelton a peptalk. Apparently everyone hates HHH backstage. Go figure.

– HHH v. Shelton Benjamin. They must have a lot of faith in Benjamin’s future if this is the main event. HHH offers a clean (albeit sarcastic) break to start. Shelton takes him down and rides him as JR lists his college credentials, so you know he must be a hoss. Back to the mat, but HHH makes the ropes. HHH overpowers him, but Shelton pops up. HHH pounds him down and goes for the Pedigree, but neglects to either KICK or WHAM and Shelton escapes. Back to the lockup and they criss-cross into a backslide from Benjamin that gets two. Benjamin takes him down into an armbar and works on that, but HHH slugs him in the corner. He catches the foot, but Shelton turns it into a really cool spinkick for two, and goes back to the armdrag. Now THAT takes some balance. HHH tosses him as Flair gets involved, but Benoit evens it up and we take a break. We return as they do the wristlock spot, and Benjamin walks into a high knee. He recovers with a cradle for two, however. So HHH sends him into the post. Neckbreaker gets two as the pace slows WAY down with HHH on offense. They slug it out and HHH gets a suplex into the kneedrop for two. He slugs Shelton down as the pace just slows to a crawl, taking the crowd with it. Benjamin makes the comeback, but walks into the dreaded MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, the move that beat such luminaries as Spike Dudley. Benjamin powers out and comes back with an elbow and a backdrop. Legsweep gets two. Benjamin gets his own sleeper, but it’s turned into a backdrop suplex. HHH goes up and lands on a boot, doing a Flair Flop. You wish, buddy. HHH bails and Benjamin follows with a dive off the apron, but turns his back on HHH. Back in, Benjamin goes up with the inverted bulldog for two. He pounds away in the corner, but HHH drops him in the corner (and loudly calls a spot on camera), but gets powerslammed for two. Benjamin reverses a Pedigree for two, again called loudly. Flair nails Benjamin behind the ref’s back, drawing the WRATH OF BENOIT, but Benjamin recovers with a Stinger splash on HHH for the upset pin at 19:50. Did not see that coming. Well, credit where it’s due – HHH could have done another Taka job on him, but he took it like a man and put the new guy over, without needing phantom music playing or someone hitting him behind the ref’s back or whatever. Of course, he’s probably getting the title back now, but that’s as inevitable as a drum solo anyway, and just as welcome. A little long and too slow-paced while HHH was on offense, but solid enough and at least it was mostly clean. **3/4

The Bottom Line:

A pretty weak episode this week, but it looks like they’re going to give Benjamin the star push now, and it’s a fine choice if so because he can bring the goods in the ring. And making one new superstar effectively is more important than a million goofy skits hyping one PPV, so this gets the big thumbs up from me this week.