The SmarK RAW Rant – May 6 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – May 6 2002

– Well, you just knew that with the new name change, it was gonna hit the fan sooner or later, and it turned out to be sooner.

News services: Former WWF Letter Sues for Unlawful Termination.

Today in a bizarre press conference in New York, recently ousted letter “F”, most recently seen as part of the World Wrestling Federation’s “WWF” logo, launched a multi-million dollar lawsuit against his former employer on the grounds of unlawful termination, although the actual sum was undisclosed. Earlier this week the former Federation became World Wrestling Entertainment due to a separate lawsuit from the World Wildlife Fund.

“It’s a travesty and I don’t see how anyone can support the WWE in good conscience in this matter.” F’s lawyer was quoted as saying. “That letter stood by the WWE for almost 30 years, and this is the treatment he gets? Are you telling me that replacing him altogether and cutting his pension was a necessary step? That he couldn’t just add another stroke at the bottom and become an E himself? We’ll have Vince McMahon’s head on a platter once our case is heard.”

F himself was a little more pensive about the changeover.

“[Head of Talent Relations] Jim Ross called me into his office on Friday night, and I knew the news wasn’t going to be good from the expression on his face. I had always assumed that they were going to drop the second W, because there’s two of them already, but it ended up being me. He had a ‘buyout’ offer that I frankly considered insulting, and there was also small talk about sending me down to OVW to make them the OVWF, but I think that someone with as much service as I’ve given this company deserves better than that.”

When reached for comment, Ross noted that F had “weight loss issues that needed to resolved” and perhaps if he could from being an uppercase to a lowercase letter, they could find a place for him in one of their website URLs.

“That’s typical.” F replied when informed of Ross’ stance on the issue. “They’re already launching a new smear campaign against me called Get the F Out to emphasize my departure. I enquired about royalties, but it turns out that some guy named Rick Bognar is playing the F this time. But that’s the way it always is for departing talent — back in 1979, they turfed out the third W because of his supposed drug problems and some issues with the law stemming from an affair with the number 9 and a suspicious cannibal attack.”

Indeed, the third W from WWWF was under suspicion of murdering then-girlfriend 9 in 1979, but official police investigations led to the conclusion that in fact 7 ate 9. As a happy ending to the story of “Wide” from the former “World Wide Wrestling Federation”, he joined the then-unknown internet and today is a household name as part of the World Wide Web. When asked about the possibility of either joining the third W in that endeavour himself or possibly splitting to form his own promotion, F declined comment, but noted that “anything can happen.” His most immediate goal seemed to be getting a slot on Wall Street as part of a stock symbol, although most feel that this goal is a bit high.

F also hinted at a possible, separate $150 million sexual harassment lawsuit against the first W, but by then everyone had gone home.

It’s just sad that they couldn’t work this out in a more amicable fashion.

– Well, it’s Monday, so it must be time to change directions again.

– Live from Hartford, CT.

– Your hosts are Jim Ross & The King.

– The Wee-Wee: New look, same attitude! Yeah, guys, I think that’s part of the problem. And since when does changing one letter constitute a “new look”? Props to the creators of Photoshop for allowing the WWF to take such time and effort to create that brand new logo.

– Opening match, Wee-Wee Women’s title: Jazz v. Trish Stratus. How sad are things when the WOMEN’S champion is a better wrestler than the World champion? Trish attacks and gets a rollup for two. Mudhole is stomped, and another rollup is missed because Stevie is distracting the ref. Where’s Michael Cole to incessantly ask “WHAT’S THEIR RELATIONSHIP?” when you need him? Trish gets tossed and Jazz pounds her outside and stomps away back in. A pair of butterfly suplexes get two. Choking gets two. Flying chickenwing and she drops Trish on her face (ouch), but Trish cames back with the Kawada-Kick and Trishdog. That pesky Steven breaks things up again, and hits a Steviekick on Trish to give Jazz the win at 3:10. Stupid finish. Match was pretty stiff and good until the ending ruined it. *

– Then the silliness starts, as Bubba storms the ring and takes out Stevie with a Bubbabomb to regain the Hardcore title. BUT WAIT! Here’s Raven to win the title. BUT WAIT! Here’s Justin Credible. BUT WAIT! Here’s Crash Holly. BUT WAIT! Trish wins it next. BUT WAIT! Bubba threatens to put her through a table, but gets blinded by an errant fire extinguisher blast, and then does it anyway. Steven regains the title, and Bubba picks up the injured Trish and carries her off, while JR lauds him for “doing the right thing”. He put her through a TABLE! Does JR also give props to muggers who stab their victim and then leave them at the hospital?

– The new World entertainment is out for a chat. Big Slow shows some footage of his turn. He’s bitter because he was in the main event of Wrestlemania 2000 and now he’s not. Hey, that’s fine, but does anyone actually remember two years ago in a promotion where they’re trying to convince everyone that it’s been WWE all along? I mean, if you want to open up that can of worms, you’d have to justify all the McMahon turns that have happened since then. But it’s an explanation, even if it’s lamer than Big Show stealing Kevin Nash’s Grecian Formula for beards. Flair interrupts and calls Show a whiner. Oh, TAG. Hall has an earth-shattering surprise that will change the face of sports entertainment FOREVER tonight. Um, he’s gonna show up at Judgment Day sober for once?

– Wee-Wee European title: Spike Dudley v. William Regal. Spike is still an ankle injury from Saturday, which puts him about 5 notches over HHH and his “quad hanging by a thread” these days. Regal offers him a choice to forfeit, but much like the Wee-Wee’s new logo, he has ATTITUDE. Regal beats him in 0:36, of course, to regain the title. Now that’s the message you want to send to kids: Try your best and lose in under a minute. It’s even weirder because it’s a fake ankle injury, so what’s the point of doing a 30-second match? Anyway, Regal declares himself the greatest European champion of all-time, and although I’m hoping for a showdown with Honky Tonk Man to find out who truly is the greatest secondary champion ever, D’Lo Brown instead does the honors of running in to argue the legitmacy of Regal’s claim. Hey, if it gets him back on TV, great.

– Meanwhile, Flair gripes to AA, and they make use of Arn’s awesome speaking skills by having him go “Yup”.

– Earlier today: Booker T hits a 7-11 looking for his own Slurpee Cup, and cuts a promo on an RVD cutout. Goldust stalks him, wearing full makeup and a backwards cap as an “elaborate disguise”, and he’s upset that Booker is seeing other tag team partners behind his back. He offers a truce: If Booker gives him a drink of his Slurpee, he’ll give Booker a bite of his weiner. Segment of the night here. Does nothing for either guy, but these guys are so funny doing these campy segments that I’ll take what I can get.

– Meanwhile, Flair finds an APA hat in the nWe dressing room, thus guaranteeing that the surprise won’t be Bradshaw turning. Why does the WWF feel the need to ALWAYS fool the fans, even within the same show? I mean, if you want Flair to turn heel, then make it obvious that it’s going to happen because at least it’ll make sense then. I mean, are they afraid that if they telegraph the turn people are gonna stop watching because they’ve figured it out?

– Meanwhile, the nWe hang out in the garage. No-good 40-year old punks!

– Planet Stasiak v. Brockberg. I know that they have this new edict stating that all WWEiners must be tanned, but when the lotion is staining the ring like with Stasiak, it’s time to lay off. Brock is apparently a “certified monster”. Is that like a certified accountant? Can you take courses at home like with those Sally Struthers commercials? Are there different levels of certification, and what are the standards involved? Can you lose your license to destroy if you are operating as a monster without proper certification? Who enforces these things? Brock pounds him down in the corner and the crowd starts a “Goldberg” chants. I’m shocked it took this long. TKO finishes whenever. DUD

– Meanwhile, UT is stupid enough to leave his bike with an arena staff member, with the keys in the ignition apparently, and Hogan steals it when he returns.

– Hogan brings Taker’s bike out, and JR & King once again stress how very popular and over Hogan is. Hogan makes veiled threats towards UT’s bike and calls him out. Taker comes out to respond, full of bluster, but Hogan returns that bitch card. And then we truly tap the potential of Sports Entertainment at it’s finest, as Hogan threatens to chase UT with the bike…and it stalls out. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Truly if you want a metaphor for today’s Hulkamania, there it is. He can’t figure out how to get it started again, so they desperately cut to JR & King, who spend about 30 seconds summarizing the situation while trying hard not to break into laughter, and finally we cut back to Hogan, who is slowly driving up the ramp as though he’d been doing that all along and it just took a REALLY long time to make it there. And they cut to a pre-taped segment next of Hogan riding the bike backstage, which is why he had to make it up the stage instead of just getting off and following on foot like a normal person. And indeed Hogan drives around at like 2 MPH backstage, thus completely defeating the purpose of riding a bike around in the first place, and he can’t find Undertaker anywhere. What a payoff! But wait, it gets better! Hogan finds a conveniently-parked semi-trailer (because, you know, they just happened to have one parked in the back with the keys in the ignition) and starts yelling to Undertaker about how he’ll destroy the bike if he doesn’t show…and they cut to a commercial, as though people are actually sitting on the edge of their seats waiting to find out if the bike gets run over! I’m HOWLING with laughter watching this shit! This is better than Evening at the Improv for comedy value. And this is actually supposed to make people buy the PPV! Will the Titan Bike survive the commercial break? FIND OUT IN TWO MINUTES!

– Okay, we’re back, and apparently Hogan has been sitting in the cab of the truck for the entire commercial break waiting for Undertaker to return, which he doesn’t, so he runs the bike over. OH, THE HUMANITY! THE HORROR! Truly this puts the “entertainment” in “World Wrestling Entertainment”.

– Rob Van Dam & Jeff Hardy v. Eddy Guerrero & Booker T. Oh, man, I want more pointless backstage skits featuring Hogan self-destructing his career before our eyes. Rob & Eddy exchange mat stuff to start, and RVD gets a monkey flip. Superkick, but Eddy goes for a victory roll, and gets splatted. Booker comes in and pounds away in the corner, and gets a sidekick. Rob responds with a leg lariat, bringing Jeff in to clean house. Eddy cheapshots him and Booker sends him out for some Latino Beats. Back in, axe kick and SPINAROONI get two. Jeff dropkicks him, hot tag RVD. Eddy misses a charge and Rob monkey-flips him and gets a spinkick. Rana for Booker, and Rolling thunder gets two on Eddy. It’s BONZO GONZO and Goldust runs in, doing nothing. Rob & Jeff finish Eddy with stereo splashes at 5:42. Match was dead due to following the Angle of the Year, but the finish was great. *1/2

– Meanwhile, Flair & AA go over the clues.

– Swimsuit challenge: Terri v. Molly. Molly brings flippers. She’s wearing a 20s swimsuit. JR comments that it’s something his grandmother might wear. Well, Terri’s right there, why not ask her? Terri’s her usual slutty self, and Molly is AGHAST that she’d dress like a stripper. Please, what respectable stripclub would hire a 60-year old skeezer like Terri? Maybe if she ate a cheeseburger once in a while she’d raise her game to the level of “back-alley hooker”, but for now she’s got a ways to go. Molly covers up and attacks her with the flippers. See, Molly’s a prude. Just in case you didn’t get it by now.

– Meanwhile, Flair goes to confront Bradshaw, and he finds a Kane mask there.

– Meanwhile, Flair goes to confront Austin, and he runs into Bradshaw. Smell the angst!

– Hall, X-Pac & Big Show v. Steve Austin, Bradshaw & Ric Flair. Kevin Nash arrives fashionably late and is never seen or mentioned again. Austin starts with X-Pac and gets spinebusters a-gogo. He goes low and catapults him into the corner, but Hall comes in. Thesz Press and FU Elbow, but the stunner is blocked, possibly because Hall’s breath is so bad that Austin has no choice but to back off. Big Show’s turn, and he overpowers Austin, apparently regaining his magically no-selling powers since the heel turn. It’s amazing what a little Just for Men in the beard will do for you. Austin slugs away, but gets backdropped. Bradshaw’s turn to attempt to carry Hall, and it goes badly as Hall does his goofy selling. X-Pac comes in and gets powerslammed and Blockbustered. He comes back with a leg lariat, however, and Show pounds away. Again with the “tossed around like a double cheeseburger” reference from JR. He also managed to mention that Flair & Austin were getting “chillbones” waiting to get in. Maybe he’s just going senile. Headbutts and a big boot for Bradshaw, and the crowd is GONE as I wonder how much longer it’s humanly possible for this match to continue. Hall gets his own blockbuster for two. Back to Show, as the match gets more boring by the second, featuring lots of standing around and headbutting. Bradshaw gets pounded in the corner, but things are breaking loose in Tulsa. Crowd wants to see Flair and cheer him, and of course the WWF is all about giving the fans what they want, except of course when they know better than the fans what the fans want, which is why we don’t see Flair wrestle here. Austin gets beaten down as Bradshaw gets chokeslammed through a table and disappears. Austin comes back with a double-stunner on Ramon & The Kid, but he wants Show. Dammit. I added the dammit. Show beats him down as I check my watch to make sure it’s still actually working and the fabric of time hasn’t collapsed in on itself or anything else that would explain why this match is so long. Austin trips on an irish whip and hits the floor. Back in, Show tosses him around again. Yup, it’s still going. Everyone else has vanished and I’ve gotta think that Bradshaw must need medical attention or something. Austin gets a Thesz Press, but the ref is bumped. KICK WHAM STUNNER, but Flair turns heel and stops to announce a match between Austin & Flair/Show for the PPV. Man, talk about a double-shot of pain. Sportz Entertainment Finish at 15:14. You know, for a guy whose motto is “don’t trust anyone”, people sure turn on him a lot. Match was just brutally awful and drab, showcasing all of Big Show’s talents and thus explaining why he isn’t generally booked in either main events or 15:00 matches. ј* Give Flair three weeks before people start cheering him again. I mean, the turn was well-built for the most part, but what is the fascination with turning Flair heel all the time? Let the poor guy be a babyface to end his career.

The Bottom Line: Wow, did THAT show go on a major kamikaze nosedive after the first hour or what? And wow, Austin v. Evil Owner, haven’t seen that in, uh, weeks.

On the bright side, this was great for working on a reverse-entertainment level, as it just kept getting worse and worse in a manner not seen since the heyday of Russo’s Nitro. I’m almost looking forward to Hogan v. Undertaker to see just how excrutiatingly bad a match they can pack into one 20-minute segment.

It’s been said before: The fall is truly more fun than the rise. Bring the self-destruction! I’ll bring the popcorn.