wrestling / TV Reports

411’s NWA TNA Report 10.01.03

October 1, 2003 | Posted by Jack Daniels

NWA: TNA WRESTLING — 10/1/2003

— Hello everyone, TNA recapper Jack Daniels here. My hobbies include playing video games, smoking, and performing abortions. If this is your first time reading, welcome. If this isn’t your first time reading, welcome. Let’s go.

— You know what the great thing about being a recapper is? Not only does no one bitch at you for being unoriginal, but only a certain amount of creativity is tolerated. Then, you get a wide berth on spelling and grammatical errors because speed is at a premium. Plus, being the TNA recapper, I might as well be a leper in a strip club. People may know I exist, but they avoid mentioning me or looking at me at all costs.

— You know, if someone wanted to do a really different column, they could do something like this: Rate the TV shows every week based on production values. I spent a couple of years doing TV production work some years back, so I’d have the experience to do it as far as being able to tell what probably happened when something goes wrong, but I lack the time and the inclination to watch that much wrestling. And honestly, the production (or lack of it) is what most people notice when watching a broadcast. I’ll never give star ratings to matches — I have no clue what makes a match a DUD or a 5-star encounter, I just know if I was entertained. On the other hand, misspellings, wrong video packages rolling, etc., this stuff sticks out like a sore thumb to me, and more people in TV land will notice if the wrong video is running than if an anklelock is applied on the wrong freakin’ leg. So if someone did a column on why TNA’s poor production values will keep them from getting a national live TV deal that would truly let them compete with the WWE, then that would be original. See what I did there?

— Yes, I stole Carless’ bit. No, it didn’t work for me, either.

OBLIGATORY FOOTBALL CURSING

— &*%^ Gregg Williams. &*%^ Kevin Gilbride. &*%^ Josh Reed and Bobby Shaw. TRIPLE-&*%^ Gregg Williams. How did the Bills go from being Super Bowl contenders to looking as if we want to enter the Eli Manning derby in two weeks? (And I’m sorry, there’s no way Clarett goes before Manning.)

— Oh, and there’s a pre-game hype show now. Sorry, it’s not in my contract that I have to recap this.

— And we’re LIVE from the TNA Asylum in Nashville, TN, and my hovel in Buffalo, NY, respectively. We’re playing the TNA drinking game tonight, by the way. You do a shot every time there’s a ref bump, and chug a beer whenever someone blades. I’ve got a bottle of my namesake sitting next to me, and a case of Miller Lite. Whenever a ref gets bumped, I will simply type SHOT. Whenever someone blades, I will simply type CHUG.

— We open with a of the Raven/Douglas feud. And the TNA production values rear their ugly head again, as the volume on the package is so low I can hear my computer over it. The TNA opening audio is playing over the FBI warning. Please, can someone in the production truck get their shit together????

— And we reroll the package… AGAIN with minimal audio! About halfway through tonight’s hype package, we actually get audio. Anyhow, we’ve got the debut of Vampiro, Kid Kash and Abyss vs. AMW, Jerry Lynn vs. Michael Shane for the X-Division title, Shark Boy and Mad Mikey vs. Ekmo and Sonny Siaki, and Jeff Jarrett and Dusty Rhodes vs. AJ Styles and Vince Russo. I give full marks for the replay of the spanking of Trinity.

— Cut to Russo and Styles arriving. The audio quality is so bad I can’t understand what was said. Jesus, people.

— Cubs fans in Nashville! CUBS! WOO! CUBS! WOO!

— Opening Match: America’s Most Wanted vs. Kid Kash and Abyss: The shot of Jack is at the ready. Heel section chanting for Kid Kash. If Tenay and West are talking, I can’t hear them. What, are we trying the Dolphins/Jets experiment here? Kash and Storm talking trash to start. Kash berates Abyss and tells him to start against Storm. Storm ducks a lockup, angering Abyss. Storm ducks another lockup and labels Abyss with a right hand. Lockup finally, and we’ve FINALLY got announcer audio, but the crowd audio is up so high I can’t understand what the announcers are saying. Abyss slap-tags Kash in. Drop toe-hold on Storm, reversed to a side headlock. Shoulderblock puts Kash down, then Storm reverses a hip toss and hits a couple of Mexican armdrags. Flying crossbody gets two, tag to Harris, atomic drop/Russian leg sweep combo gets two. Another tag and some nice double team work by AMW gets 2. Kash with a slap to the face that angers Storm, and Kash quickly tags Abyss, so Storm tags in Harris. Kash distracts the ref, I have no idea what the point of that was. Abyss throws Harris into the corner, and Harris looks befuddled. Lockup, and Harris gets a side headlock. Abyss throws Harris off and puts him down with a shoulderblock. Slap and chokes in the corner on Harris. Abyss misses a chop and Harris goes to town with WOO! chops. Abyss misses an idiot charge and about 20 punches by Harris put Abyss down. Tag to Storm and tag back into Harris, and Kash comes in and just slaps Abyss to try to wake him up, and that’s just what happens. Gorilla Press flapjack on Storm and a tag to Kash. Abyss backdrops Kash into a moonsault on Storm! Nice! That gets 2. Open-handed slap followed by a snap mare, then Kash hooks Harris in a Dragon Sleeper, then turns it into a bite. Irish whip reversed, and Harris tries to slingshot Kash into the corner. Tags for both teams, and Storm tries to put Abyss down, and this time it takes 40 punches and kicks to put him down. All four men in, and Harris crotches Abyss on the top. Kash slams down Harris, and delivers a moonsault off the top of Abyss’ shoulders, who was sitting on the top! Sweet! But Storm makes the save and hurricanranas Abyss off the top!!! All four men down. Harris slips out of a Gorilla Press and spears Kash, then a double spear on Abyss! The ref gets distracted, Kash hits Storm with a chair, and a Black Hole Slam by Abyss gets the three count!!! But Terry Taylor comes out, and I think we’ve got a Dusty Finish coming. Kash and Taylor start arguing and Taylor takes down Kash and goes after Abyss before Kash goes low, and we’ve got a heel beatdown until AMW makes the late save. WINNERS: Kid Kash and Abyss. And surprisingly, I’ve still got the shot still in the shot glass.

— Cut to Tenay and West. West wearing all-gold, for those keeping score. Jeff Jarrett versus AJ Styles for the NWA World Title on October 22nd. Hype for the Lynn/Shane match, and the return of the Sandman (?), Ekmo/Siaki vs. Mikey/Shark Boy, New Church vs. 3 Live Kru, Dream/Jarrett vs. Styles/Russo, etc., etc. And Don Callis interrupts, and I can’t understand what he’s saying until he says everyone will be very, very sorry.

— Cut to an interview with Scott Hudson and Michael Shane. Shane runs down the Heartbreak Kid, the X-Division and Jerry Lynn.

— Brief package detailing the match, putting over Lynn’s career at the crossroads and the youth vs. experience angles.

— X-Division Title match: Jerry Lynn vs. Michael Shane (c): Is it just me, or does the crowd seem dead? Antonio Pena from the AAA promotion in Mexico is here tonight, and in the ring for some reason. I love when TNA does the introductions in the ring, really makes it feel like a championship fight. Shane jumps Lynn before the bell, Lynn fights back. Shane with a go behind, Lynn elbows out, then an inverted atomic drop followed by a clothesline. Lynn gets out of the way of an idiot charge and kicks Shane out of the ring. Shane into the guardrail and Lynn slides him back in. Shane begs off, then goes low to take control. Shane pounding on Lynn in the corner, but Lynn counters an Irish whip with a roll up. Shane with a side headlock then a shoulderblock, but Lynn counters a hiptoss with a monkey flip. Shane with a punch, and Lynn tries to skin the cat, but Shane baseball slides him! Shane slides him back in then plays to the crowd. Chris Sabin out with his Super X Tournament trophy. Sabin bitching about his title shot while Shane gets a flapjack for two. Lynn with a sunset flip for two, but Shane puts him right back down with a clothesline. Shane is distracted by Sabin, who has offered to defend his Super X Trophy. Shane trash talks Sabin, allowing Lynn to take control with a backdrop, clothesline and a Tornado DDT for 2. Shane slips out of a vertical suplex, they exchange go-behinds, before Shane comes off the ropes with a flying forearm for 2. More trash talking on Sabin allows Jerry Lynn to get a spear and mounted punches on Shane. Lynn almost gets the fireman’s carry brainbuster but Shane slips out, Lynn blocks a superkick, hits a Yakuza kick then a TKO for 2. Lynn going for the Cradle Piledriver, but Shane counters into the fireman’s carry brainbuster for 2. Announcers say Shane has the flu. Shane going for a Tornado DDT, Lynn throws him off but eats a boot on an idiot charge. Shane tries to go up top, but Lynn crotches him and springboard dropkicks him to the outside. Lynn with a hurricanrana from the apron to the floor! Whip into the steps, then Lynn eats a boot on an idiot charge and bumps into Sabin. Lynn puts Sabin down, back in, backbreaker by Lynn and he goes up top but Sabin crotched him! Both men down in the ring. Superkick for 3! WINNER: Michael Shane.

— And shockingly, no ref bumps yet!

— Cut to the back with Hudson, who has Mikey and Shark Boy in the back. D’Lo busts up the promo, and says he’s got their back, but Don Callis comes in and says if he interferes, Redshirt security will beat him up. D’Lo vs. Christopher Daniels next.

— Singles match: Christopher Daniels w/K-Mart Brood vs. D’Lo Brown: Headlock by Daniels to start. D’Lo switches it to a top wristlock, Daniels gets the headlock back. D’Lo with an armbar and some chops on Daniels. Somersault by Daniels to counter and he gets a headlock again. Daniels tries two shoulderblocks to no effect, then D’Lo hits a shoulderblock and hip toss, they exchange arm drags, and we’re back where we started. Short elbow puts Daniels down, then a high leg lariat on Daniels. D’Lo beating Daniels around the ring. D’Lo tosses Daniels over the top to the outside and hits a baseball slide. Body slam on the outside and the K-Mart Brood distracts D’Lo, allowing Daniels to hit a huge bodypress from the top! D’Lo reverses an Irish whip into the rail, then Gorilla Presses Daniels onto it! D’Lo up top, but misses a big splash and hits the rail. Daniels rams D’Lo into the apron and rolls D’Lo back in. Jawbreaker and a spear by Daniels. Daniels eats an elbow on an idiot charges, but gets his knees up on a D’Lo moonsault. Daniels steps on the ribs, then hits an Asai moonsault for 2. Knee to the midsection and an octopus hold by Daniels, D’Lo gets a hiptoss to break. Surprise roll up gets 2, then D’Lo gets a flapjack into an Ace Crusher for 2. D’Lo hits 3 punches, 2 clotheslines, and a big back body drop, then a spinebuster for 2. Another pair of clotheslines, then the Brood grabs his feet, so D’Lo takes them out with a plancha and snaps Daniels neck off the top. D’Lo tries to go up top, but the redshirts distract him, allowing Daniels to get a superplex and the Last Rites for the win!
WINNER: Christopher Daniels.

— Cut to the back with Erik Watts and Rick Santel. Apparently Rick Santel is injured, and Watts wants TNA to pay the medical bills. Callis says “There’s no health insurance in wrestling!” Blah, blah, blah.

— Still no ref bumps. My liquor is still in the shot glass. I will be totally shocked if it stays there.

— Part II of the Roddy Piper interview. Piper’s plan to change the wrestling business? And we’ve got another health insurance segment? I mean, yeah, I think everyone should have health insurance, but it doesn’t exactly make for compelling TV. Piper says it’s not time to move on to TV and movies, but says he was a born a wrestler. Piper ready to deliver his big line…. AND THE FUCKING AUDIO CUTS OUT!!!!!! Whoever is directing and producing this show should be fired, on the spot. Seriously, you don’t see this shit on local news.

— Tag Team Match: Ekmo and Sonny Siaki w/Trinity’s Ass vs. Mad Mikey and Shark Boy: Mikey and Shark Boy suplex Siaki into the ring and double 619 Ekmo. Missile dropkick by Shark Boy and a comedy match breaks out! Dancing by Shark Boy and Mikey, but Ekmo plants Shark Boy. Shark Boy tries a spinning headscissors by Siaki gets a side slam for 2. Tag to Ekmo, neckbreaker by Siaki, but Ekmo pulls up Shark Boy at two. Shark Boy tries a sunset flip then bites Ekmo in the but. Shark Boy thrown into the corner, then a running butt bump gets two. Tag to Siaki, Dragon Sleeper/Splash combo gets 2. Siaki tries for the pumphandle slam, but Shark Boy hits a neckbreaker out of nowhere. Hot tag to Mad Mikey, and he tries to go to town on Ekmo. Mikey hits a tornado DDT on Siaki, using Ekmo as a turnbuckle! Stereo 10 count punches and shark bites by the faces. Ekmo catches a Shark Boy bodypress and Gorilla Presses him, then hits the Fat Ass Samoan Splash for the win. WINNERS: Ekmo and Siaki. Siaki with a powerbomb on Mikey postmatch, and he puts Mikey on top of Shark Boy, Ekmo goes up top… and D’Lo makes the save! Trinity tries to go low, but D’Lo catches her hand and hits a Sky High! Redshirt security comes in, then handcuff D’Lo and take him out of the building!

— Cut to an interview with Simon Diamond with Swinger. Simon and Swinger thank Gilberti for the opportunity, run down AMW. Swinger says he’s totally recovered from his appendectomy because he has guts. Gilberti says he’s not your stereotypical manager with a tennis racket, then Tenay asks if David Young is part of the group, Gilberti says no, Young takes exception, and Gilberti says Young can get a chance to get into the group if he beats up the Sandman tonight.

— Interview with Rhodes and Jarrett. It’s in my contract that I don’t have to try to recap Dusty Rhodes interviews, I just have to get the general gist. Vince Russo is excess baggage, yadda, yadda. Another night in the learning process with AJ Styles. Jarrett says Vince and AJ played right into Jarrett and Rhodes’ hands.

— Backstage, Russo says the match is off. No clue why, and AJ is as confused as I am.

— Singles match: David Young vs. The Sandman: Memo to the boys in the truck: Endless gratuitous ass shots of the cage dancers don’t make up for not having sound when you need it. Standard 3 minute Sandman entrance… CHUG!!!! A pre match CHUG!!!! He bladed off the beer can!!!!! David Young jumps the Sandman outside. Young rolls the Sandman in and hits a flying clothesline for two. Body slam by Young, but the Sandman gets the knees up on the moonsault. Somersault back splash by Sandman on Young in the corner. Sandman draps Young on the ropes, then hits a flying legdrop. Sandman takes the match outside in a huge shock. Sandman with a couple of hard lefts, and Sandman hits a springboard kneesmash off a chair. In the understatement of the year, Don West says the ref is giving Sandman a lot of leeway. We’re finally back in the ring, and Young rakes the eyes, hits a hard kick, then Northern Lights Suplexes him into the corner for 2. Young tries to go up top, but Sandman hits a hurricanrana off the top, then a Somersault Senton for 3! WINNER: Sandman. Gilberti runs in to put down the celebrating Sandman with a chair shot… then Gilberti and Simon and Swinger hit the ring… and if you can’t see what’s coming from here… Kiss of Death by Gilberti, and the beatdown on David Young starts. And 3 Live Kru comes to make the save.

— Cut to the back with Hudson and Russo. Russo tries to convince Jarrett that Rhodes is the enemy. Jarrett says he’s taking Russo out tonight.

— Six man tag match: The Disciples of the New Church and Vampiro vs. 3 Live Kru. Mitchell on the stick, which is always entertaining. Says Raven and the Gathering are finished, and Mitchell wants to publicly thank the Franchise for removing Raven. Mitchell says he’s moving on to Phase II. And the 3 Live Kru entrance hits… Konnan, sporting the Mexican flag, does his shtick. Truth and Slash start. Lockup, hammerlock switched to a Slash hip toss, then Truth gets a couple of armdrags. Truth eats a boot on an idiot charge, Sinn in. Truth gets back in control, hits an ax kick and tags in Konnan. Konnan with a hammerlock, then a rocking horse submission. Armwringer by Konnan, Sinn shoots him into the ropes, Konnan with a shoulderblock than a reverse DDT. Tag to Vampiro. And we’ve got Vampiro and Konnan in the ring. Konnan with a rolling clothesline on Vamp, tag into BG James. BG mocking Vampiro. Vampiro with a go behind then James hits a couple of elbows, takes out Slash and Sinn but eats a big boot from Vampiro. Vampiro baits Konnan, allowing the New Church to double team James. Russian Leg Sweep/dropkick combo gets two. Sinn with a choke on BG James. My JD is still in the class, but Rudi Charles is the ref, and he can always be counted on for a clutch ref bump. BG James hits a miracle pumphandle slam on Slash and makes a hot tag to Truth. Tag to Vampiro, the New Chruch tries to double team the Truth, but Truth dropkicks both of them and Vampiro. Everyone else outside, Truth hits a superkick and a front suplex, but Mitchell interferes and lets Vampiro get a cane shot, and the ref calls for the bell. Vampiro starts to beat on Truth, but Raven makes the save and takes out all the heels! He’s got the chain from last week, and tries to put the collar on Mitchell, but Shane Douglas stops him. Raven beats on Douglas and clotheslines him out of the ring. Match is a no-contest.

— Raven on the stick, says Mitchell and the New Church have left him beaten, battered and bloody. Says you’re looking at a man with nothing left to lose. Says he will make Mitchell suffer internally and eternally, but Raven says he will take out Vampiro, the Church, and Shane Douglas one by one, until only him and Mitchell are left standing. Says Mitchell’s heart will beat “Ra-ven, Ra-ven.”

— Cut to Tenay and West, hype for next week’s show. Kid Kash/Abyss vs. AMW, with Terry Taylor special referee, Sabin vs. Shane for the X-Division title, Chris Vaughn/D’Lo Brown vs. the Redshirts.

— Main Event: AJ Styles and Vince Russo w/Trinity vs. Jeff Jarrett and Dusty Rhodes: Russo coming to the ring in a New Jersey Devils uniform and brandishing a baseball bat. Jarrett brings his guitar, and I can live without seeing Rhodes in wrestling trunks ever again. Jarrett tries to chase after Russo right off the bat. Both heels refusing to get into the ring. Styles and Rhodes to start apparently, Styles avoiding a lockup to start. Dusty gets a few right hands to start, and Styles bails. Heel conference outside. STAAAAAAAAAAAALLL. Kick to the leg by Styles. Then another, but Dusty catches a third and hits a bionic elbow and tags in Jarrett. Elbow to the arm then Jarrett eats an elbow on an idiot charge. AJ misses a dropkick to finish a criss-cross series, then Jarrett hits a neckbreaker. Jarrett goes after Russo and AJ hits an enzuigiri. Snap Suplex for 1. Styles gets backdropped outside, tries to land on the apron and Jarrett hits a right hand. Jarrett goes after Russo again, allowing Styles to hit a SWANK missile dropkick. Styles tries an Asai bodyblock, but Jarrett counters with a German suplex that flips AJ onto his face. Tag to Dusty, and a big vertical suplex on AJ. Three punches and a bionic elbow, Trinity and Russo distract Dusty, allowing AJ to clip the knee. Jarrett tries to interfere, allowing AJ to get a couple of bat shots on the knee. Tag to Russo? Rhodes gets a couple of belt shots in, then a quick tag to AJ, who continues to work the leg. Tag to Russo again. Then some more belt shots, Russo removes the jersey, and Rhodes blocks a belt shot, but Russo scurries over for a tag. AJ tries for the Bossman rope spot, and a hot tag to Jarrett and a HUGE backdrop! Jarrett takes out Russo, Trinity tries a flying hurricanrana and gets powerbombed, and Jarrett goes for the figure four on AJ, but Russo interferes and figure four on Russo! Styles tries to use the bat on Jarrett, but Jarrett kicks the knee out. Bat shot on Russo! Top rope stroke? YES! Jarrett beats on Russo. Dusty with a Bionic Elbow for 3!
WINNERS: Dusty Rhodes and Jeff Jarrett.

— AJ on the stick. “Screw you and your fat buddy!” Styles makes the challenge Dusty Rhodes for a match, Russo tries to stop it, but Styles slaps him down! Rhodes agrees to a match for the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP. And Jarrett is pissed too! And SHOT! Yeah, I know it’s week, but that whiskey was calling me. Do we have a Jarrett heel turn here? Hmmmm…. And this takes us out to the end of the show.

— Final count — One beer, one shot. I really thought I’d get drunker than this.

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