411’s NWA TNA Report 10.29.03

NWA:TNA Wrestling — 10/29/03

— Hey folks, TNA recapper Jack Daniels here. My hobbies include weightlifting, groping women, and running America’s largest state. Put me in, coach, I’m ready to play.

— So where the fuck was I last week? On my way to a convention in New York City. So why the fuck didn’t I get somebody to cover for me? Well, actually, I did. Unfortunately, his cable provider had a major brainfart and he missed the last half of the show. So, rather than posting a half-assed report of half the show, we’re going to wait until I do a half-assed report of the full show before posting it. Work is insane this week, so I’ll get around to doing that as soon as I have time, and I imagine we can post it to the archives (glances hopefully toward Widro). And after reading some of the post-show reports, the NWA:TNA drinking game will be played during that one, and I fully expect to be rip-roaring shitfaced by the time I’m done.

— By the way, you guys gave me some great feedback two weeks ago, and in response to that, at the beginning of each report, I’ll give a brief recap of last week’s events to set up this week’s action. However, let’s get one this straight: I _don’t_ rate matches, at least not anything beyond “this entertained me” or “I flipped over to the Playboy channel and started stroking it.” A few people have asked me to give my opinion on whether or not I think people should buy the show on a week to week basis. My response to that is: I’m living in a three room dungeon in Buffalo, New York, am paying out an arm and a leg in child support to the Psycho Hose Beast because I was FUCKING STUPID and rushed into an engagement, and I owe about $20,000 in college loans because I refused to go to a school that offered me a free fucking ride. And you want MY advice on how to spend YOUR money????

— And THE YANK-MES LOST!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

— The following things happened last week on NWA-TNA:

• 3 Live Kru beat Sonny Siaki, Ekmo, and Joe E. Legend. I’ve got no clue if they’re going anywhere with 3 Live Kru. I know they’re going nowhere with the others.
• Kid Kash cheated to beat Sonjay Dutt. Kash did a postmatch beatdown, but Abyss ran in and stopped that. Dutt tried to thank him, but Abyss took out Dutt, too!
• Simon and Swinger beat Danny Doring and Roadkill in relatively clean fashion, meaning the Tennessee National Guard didn’t interfere in the match. They later tried to help “The Naturals” (talk about a letdown for a surprise tag team, huh?) beat AMW, but were unsuccessful.
• Shane Douglas gets hot chicks. He also will be introducing his “new franchise” this week.
• Michael Shane continued his streak as the luckiest sonuvabitch in wrestling, beating Chris Sabin and Chris Daniels in an X-Division title match. And now that Jarrett will be feuding with Hogan eventually (maybe very eventually), where does that leave Daniels?
• Jimmy Hart announced Bound for Glory is going to be postponed, and kayfabed Hogan’s injury by saying it was caused during Jarrett’s attack. Tenay and Hart call out Jarrett, ask for an explanation of the whole Bash at the Beach incident, and Jarrett responds by beating down Hart. Hart later threatened to bring someone in this week to make Jarrett pay.
• Raven beat the living hell out of Slash, setting up a match with Vampiro this week, where you can only win the match by hanging your opponent until he’s unconscious. The Gathering once again saved Raven from a New Church beat down, and Raven once again was pissed at them because of it. Ungrateful asshole.
• And in a special foregone conclusion match that surprised absolutely no-one, Jeff Jarrett beat AJ Styles for the NWA Title with a beltshot, because of the little known rule that NWA Heavyweight Championship title changes may not happen with a clean pin or submission.

— And without further ado, on to this week’s show!

— You know, Jeremy Borash isn’t too bad as an announcer in the pregame show. He’s not going to get you real excited and he might be a bit monotone, but he’s solid and he won’t fuck up. Sometimes that’s all you need.

— We start with Jimmy Hart and Scott Hudson outside in front of a limo. Hart teases showing his surprise, but says Jarrett has to wait for it.

— Nice Halloween outfits on the cage dancers tonight. Hollywood Hogan signs in the crowd. I want to see Hogan in TNA, simply because I always loved to boo him.

— Opening tag match: Glen Gilberti and David Young vs. America’s Most Wanted: AMW is still waiting for a rematch with Gilberti’s team of Simon and Swinger for the title belts, two months after losing them. James Storm and David Young to start. Storm with a headlock, then puts Young down with a shoulderblock. Nice criss cross exchanges and countermoves, including both guys trying a dropkick at the same time. Drop toe hold by Storm, tag to Harris. Inverted Atomic Drop and Russian leg sweep combo gets two. Chris Harris with a SWEET stalling suplex (he held Young up there for about 25 seconds, and Young’s _not_ a small guy). Tag to Storm and some more double team work. Gilberti pulls Young out of the ring to berate him, and Storm hits a partner-assisted plancha onto both guys, then Harris hits a plancha on Gilberti and Young! 2 count on Young, but Gilberti labels Harris with a tennis racket shot (because he’s not a stereotypical wrestling manager) to the back. And Gilberti tags in with the advantage and goes to town on Harris. Spinning neckbreaker gets 2. Tag to Young, and we hit the chinlock. Harris tries to get out, but Young uses a handful of hair to regain control and tag in Gilberti. Irish whip and corner clotheslines by Gilberti, but then he eats a boot on an idiot charge. Gilberti hits a DDT for two and tags in Young. Snap suplex by Young for 2. Shoulderblock by Young, then he hits Storm and baits him in, letting Gilberti choke Chris Harris. You know, I’m thinking we should rename “playing Ricky Morton” to “playing Chris Harris.” Seriously, this guy is almost _never_ on offense. Young misses a big splash, but he counters a Catatonic with a spinebuster, but Gilberti stops him from making the pin, and Storm hits a missile dropkick while the ref is distracted! Hot tag to Storm, then a hurricanrana and side kick for two, but Gilberti makes the save! Gilberti tries to toss Storm, but Storm skins the cat and hits a powerslam on Gilberti, but Gilberti’s not the legal man. Harris with a double clothesline on both heels. Gilberti tosses Harris, but Harris pulls him out. Young misses a dropkick, and Storm with a sharpshooter! Gilbert tries to slide a chair in, the ref puts it out of the ring, and Gilberti sneaks in for a tennis racket shot but it only gets 2! Harris with a spear on David Young, but Gilberti hits a Stunner on Harris, then a Russian leg sweep on Storm. He tries for the People’s Elbow, but Storm pops up and hits a superkick! Hart Attack on Young, and then the Death Sentence for 3!!! WINNERS: America’s Most Wanted. Fun little match. AMW tries to beat on Gilberti post-match, but Gilberti bails. Harris on the stick, calls for the rematch against Simon and Swinger next week.

— Scott Hudson in the back with Michael Shane. Apparently his match against Sonjay Dutt is non-title, and there will be a tounament for the next title shot, or something. 10 bucks on Shane being the new franchise.

— X-Division match: Sonjay Dutt vs. Michael Shane: The “dark angel” cage dancer is… wow. Need a moment alone, fellas.

— Okay, I’m back. Quick rollups by Dutt get two 1-counts. Shane with some brawling. My God, Dutt’s a skinny little guy. Dutt with a nice leg lariat and a spinning headscissors to gain control. Mounted punches by Dutt, then he eats a boot on an idiot charge. Dutt with a front dropkick, then a slingshot plancha onto Shane. Springboard clothesline by Dutt gets 2. Shane bails, Dutt tries a baseball slide, but Shane catches him. Shane tries to powerbomb Dutt to the floor, but Dutt legdrops Shane’s head on the apron! NICE! Shane rams Dutt’s head into the post and rolls him in the ring and starts beating on Dutt and rubs his face into the mat. Dutt flips out of a German suplex attempt, then tries to skin the cat, but Shane shoulderblocks him off the ropes to the floor! OUCH! Shane rolls him in for the 2-count. Shane counters a clothesline with a sitout spinning neckbreaker. West teases Callis as Shane’s adviser, but we all know it’s Franchise. Dutt with the Calcutta Cutta Combo (C-cubed?) for a two count. Dutt hits turnbuckle on an idiot charge, and Shane tries to go up top, but dropkicks Shane to the floor and hits a running senton plancha, and someone apparently _finally_ remembered to pot up the crowd mic. Both men back in, Dutt with a Northern Lights Suplex, then a springboard elbow drop for 2. Dutt misses with the Hindu Press, and Shane rolls up Dutt and grabs the tights for 3. WINNER: Michael Shane.

— Hudson backstage with Dusty Rhodes. Rhodes says he doesn’t know who’s in the limo, then he says he’s in Jarrett’s corner… and I didn’t really understand the rest of this interview. Anyone got a good Dusty-to-English dictionary?

— Tag Team Match: Redshirt Security vs. Erik Watts and “Heavy D” Don Harris: Oh, I forgot to mention Heavy D cleaned house on the Redshirts last week. Trash talking to start, and Watts and Northcutt in the ring first. Boot to the gut and a hiptoss by Watts, then a dropkick and clothesline. Arm twist by Watts. Don Callis pulling off the Paul Simon bow tie look tonight. Heavy D tagged in, but Northcutt uses an eye poke to gain control, then gets backdropped out of a headlock. Corner to corner clotheslines by Heavy D, and a tag to Watts. Double elbowsmash, and Watts with a bodyslam on Northcutt. Wilson with a cheapshot, then he grabs Watts’ leg and lets Northcutt hit a legdrop. Pumphandle suplex hits 2. Drop toe hold into the ropes lets Callis get a few shots in on Watts, then Goldilocks comes out and slaps Callis. Watts with a double clothesline on both Redshirts and gets the hot tag to Heavy D. Double backdrop on Northcutt, and a clothesline on Wilson. Callis slipped in an international object, but Heavy D ducks it and hits a roll up for the win! WINNER: Erik Watts and Heavy D. Redshirts with a postmatch beatdown, but Watts saves and almost chokeslams Callis. Redshirts stop that, and hit a spiked piledriver on Watts.

— Video package of Jarrett’s attack on Hogan, his beatdown on Russo, his whipping of Jimmy Hart and his win over AJ Styles.

— Cut to Tenay in the ring. Y’know, we haven’t seen Don West yet tonight. And that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing. Tenay intros Jarrett to a lukewarm reaction. Jarrett coming in holding a piece of paper and the NWA title. Jarrett has had a busy month of October, and his referring to himself in the third person, which is another good thing. Jarrett brings out an e-mail to the TNA website, thanking Jarrett for everything he’s done for wrestling. I’m eating this up, folks. “We want Hogan” chant. Jarrett asks the people to hold on for a second so he can finish the letter. Letter thanks TNA for getting rid of Russo and Hogan. I’m sooooooo digging this promo. Jarrett says he hopes Hart brought out Hogan… and and… GOOD GOD! THAT’S AJ STYLES MUSIC! Sorry, couldn’t resist. “AJ” chant. AJ says Jarrett should be worrying about AJ Styles. Styles asks for a rematch, but Jarrett shoots that down and tells Styles to go back to the X-Division… and Styles says “X marks the spot” and Jarrett’s in the ring with AJ’s title. Jarrett tries to rush the ring, but security comes out, and the Redshirts take him out of the arena. Jarrett calls for Hart to bring out his surprise and… and… GOOD GOD! THAT’S DUSTY RHODES’ MUSIC! Again, you’re just getting the general gist of this. Dusty asks if Jarrett just put out an open challenge for the NWA title. Jarrett says he was challenging anyone who was a worthy opponent, knocks Dusty’s hat off. Leaving Tenay and Dusty in the ring disgusted.

— Scott Hudson in the back with Gilberti and crew. Gilberti asks Siaki to take out AMW, but Siaki and Eikmo have a match. I think Simon and Swinger accepted the challenge.

— Tag Team match: Ekmo Fatu.and Sonny Siaki w/Trinity vs. Danny Doring and Roadkill: The pirate-costumed cage dancer has a total butterface. As in, “She’s got a great body, butt ‘er face! Siaki and Doring to start. Chops by Siaki to start. Doring with a spinning headscissors, then an armdrag and a dropkick for one. Spinning side slam by Siaki, then quick tag by Doring to Roadkill, then a powerslam and a pump splash for 2. Running powerslam by Roadkill, tag to Doring, flying legdrop and Siaki bails. Doring tries a hurricanrana on the floor, but Siaki stops it and puts Doring face first into the steps. Siaki rolls Doring in, and Ekmo hits a knee drop and knee lift for 2. Gilberti out to ringside, trying to talk to Siaki. Big legdrop by Ekmo for 2. Trinity and Gilberti jawing back and forth. Siaki tagged in, but he eats a kick on an idiot charge. Siaki with a sweet Northern Lights Suplex into the turnbuckle. Ekmo tagged in and he damn near breaks the ring when he misses an avalanche. Hot tag to Roadkill and he beats the hell out of Siaki and hits a massive avalanche, but Ekmo counters the irish whip splash with an elbow. Ekmo with a Samoan drop on Doring, but Roadkill with a springboard clothesline to put Ekmo down. Roadkill goes up top, but Siaki pushes him off, and Ekmo with the Fat Ass Splash for the win. WINNERS: Sonny Siaki and Ekmo Fatu. Post match, Siaki agrees to take out AMW, and Trinity doesn’t like it one bit.

— Hudson in the back with Jimmy Hart again. I’m betting on Brutus “The Disciple Bootie Man Barber Without A Face” Beefcake. And there’s a hummer in the back now, too.

— Chair on a Pole First Blood Match: Kid Kash vs. Abyss: Kash talking trash to start. Kash calls for a handshake, and Abyss crushes his hand. Kash with a low blow and goes for the chair, but Abyss drags him down and just _labels_ him with a chop. Kash with a eye poke, but Abyss hits his Gorilla Press flapjack. Abyss going for the chair, Kash tries to stop him but gets shoved down. Abyss missed a splash, then Kash hits a somersault Van Terminator! Kash gets the chair. Kash misses a chairshot, then Abyss punches Kash _through_ the chair! Abyss sets up the chair in the corner, tries for a powerbomb, but Kash flips out, so Abyss catapults Kash into the chair, and Kash is covering up. Abyss drops the chair on Kash, but Kash uses the chair to go low on Abyss. Smashmouth chairshot on Abyss, then a double jump plancha using the chair! Kash going up top, but Abyss gets the chair up on a Kid Kash splash. Abyss setting up the chair in the corner. Kash whipped into the corner, but Abyss misses a spear and goes right through the chair and out of the ring! Black Hole Slam by Abyss. But he’s bleeding and the ref hasn’t seen it yet! The ref finally sees the blood, and calls for the bell. WINNER: Kid Kash. Abyss goes insane at the sight of his own blood, and takes out the referee! No one running in from the back, and who can blame him. Finally a couple of black shirts try to stop him, and Abyss takes them out with a black hole slam and a chokeslam…. And Abyss is staring at West and Tenay before finally exiting.

— Another Shane Douglas promo. Douglas yells at the cameraman to focus on the Franchise, not the T&A around him. Douglas talking to another worker off camera, says the kid was right to take his advice, and if the kid continues to take his advice, he’ll be part of the new Franchise.

— Hudson in the back with James Mitchell and Vampiro. Mitchell cuts his usual awesome promo. Seriously, you should buy a TNA show or two just to watch one of his promos.

— Weird ass bloody violent stipulation match: Vampiro vs. Raven: You have to lynch your opponent until he’s unconscious to win. For real. Raven has “Dream Blood” written on his chest. Staredown to start, before the “Raven” chant distracts Vampiro. Vampiro with a quick couple of kicks that do little more than annoy Raven. Raven with a couple of left jabs. Raven with a couple of kicks to the leg, then a spinning clothesline. Now a headlock and Vampiro takes control. Chops in the corner, but Vampiro eats a boot and Raven goes for a quick lynching. Vampiro bails, and Raven tosses in a bunch of chairs. Raven with a short powerbomb on Vampiro, and he goes for a lynching again, and hits the chair-assisted drop toe hold. Vampiro bails, and Raven follows him out. Raven puts a dog collar on outside, but the chains are set up so that unless you’ve got it set up the right way, you won’t be hanging the guy. Vampiro already juicing. Slugfest on the apron, and Raven tightens up the chain, but Mitchell interferes and goes low. Raven misses with a chairshot and gets Van Daminatored. Vampiro frees himself from the dog collar and goes to town. Raven bails, Vampiro follows and rams him into the steps, and both men are juicing pretty good now. Raven rolls in, Vampiro with a chainshot, then he wraps the chain around his own head and headbutts Raven! COOL! Vampiro continues to pound Raven. Vampiro sets up a chair and rams Raven’s head into it, then DDT’s Raven onto the chair. Vampiro puts the dog collar on and tosses Raven and starts hanging him. Raven tries to pull himself back in, but Vampiro beats him down. Ref lifts the arm once, twice, but Raven keeps them up on three. Vampiro tries to beat Raven down again, but Raven fights back and gets the dog collar off. Raven with a big clothesline, running clothesline into the corner, Vampiro avoids an Irish whip but eats a superkick. Raven gets a dog collar on… then gets a second collar on Vampiro! Raven gets a trash can, and just starts beating on Vampiro… but Vampiro can’t fall to the mat or else he’ll be hung. Raven sets up a table as Vampiro gets one dog collar off. Vampiro goes low and gets the other collar off… then licks his own blood and sets Raven up on the table, but Raven gets off the table and Raven Effect off the top and through the table! Raven gets the collar on Vampiro and hangs him! Vampiro turning purple and goes out! WINNER: Raven. Mitchell tries to hit Raven with a fireball, and runs off as CM Punk tries to save Raven. Raven gets pissed again, then cuts a promo on Mitchell. Raven makes a last man standing match between him and Mitchell for next week… and I’m wondering how Mitchell’s going to get out of that.

— Don West, in silver splendor, runs down next week’s card. X-Division “Triple Chance” Invitational. First a five-man battle royal, then the losers of that match go into semifinal matches, then the winners of the semis go into a triple threat match with the battle royal winner. West shilling TNA merchandise now. Also AMW vs. Ekmo and Siaki.

— Main Event: NWA Heavyweight Title match: Jeff Jarrett (c) vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan: And the crowd just shits on it! God, I hate Jim Duggan. I’m sorry, I’m not recapping this shit. I refuse to recap anything that involves Hacksaw Jim Duggan. I hated him, in the 80s, and I hate him now. Lots of “HOOOOO”, lots of “U.S.A.” chants. And this thing looks like it’s going to be 20 fucking minutes long. FUCK! Sorry, folks, I’m eating my mac and cheese now, I’m coming back when the match is done. Scott Keith is right about one thing. Surprises in wrestling almost always SUCK. Jarrett ends this mercifully short with a guitar shot, and Jarrett says “Jimmy Hart, is that the best you can do?” Hart comes out and says it’s just the tip of the iceberg. And Rick Steiner is in the ring behind Jarrett! Okay, I actually marked out a little for that. Steiner pounds on Jarrett, dumps him and takes him into the crowd. Lots of crowd brawling, but I’m having fun watching it, at least. Plus, there’s a sizeable chance Jarrett could be legitimately injured, which is a good thing to place wagers on. And they get back in the ring, and I guess this is an actual match? T-Bone Suplex by Steiner, and Steiner goes for the flying bulldog, but Jarrett pulls the ref in the way, and Jarrett’s got another guitar, and a guitar shot on Steiner. Hart says next week will be Jarrett vs. Sting! Jarrett sells it like it’s the end of his world. Okay, that’s a nice angle to finish the show off.

— Final thoughts: Hey, I had fun watching it. Outside of the five minutes Jim Duggan was on my TV, at any rate.