411’s NWA TNA Report 11.05.03

NWA:TNA Wrestling — 11/5/03

— Hey fellas, Jack Daniels, TNA recapper here. By now, some of you have figured out that Jack Daniels is not my given name, but merely a pen name. My real name is Milton Obote.

— Not feeling particularly witty tonight, as I have just started a new diet program in an attempt to get cut up by next summer (which, in Buffalo, means by next August). No pop. No ice cream. Chicken for two meals a day, but no chicken fingers or chicken wings. No pizza. No whole milk. So, I’m a miserable shit right now. Deal with it.

— Well, I would be a miserable shit if not for the fact that my fantasy basketball team, the Samurai Cadaver Dogs, stands at 1-0 following a narrow victory over the Portland Salmon, and this week I’m facing the Colorado Cradlerobbers, who have only four players who are healthy/on parole. A 2-0 start is looking like a real possibility, even with Elton Brand out 4-6 weeks and Jamal Mashburn out indefinitely.

— Here’s what’s going on in NWA:TNA heading into this week…

— We’ve got the triple chance invitational tournament for the number one contender to the X-Division title. Tonight is a battle royal, with the winner going on to the finals of the tournament and the top four losers gaining semifinal slots.

— We’ve also got Ekmo and Siaki running interference for Glen Gilberti, taking on America’s Most Wanted in a tag match. I’ll give you three guesses who’s going over, and the first two don’t count.

— Shane Douglas had put off his unveiling of his new “franchise” until this week. Apparently, he also has a match against the Sandman.

— AJ Styles still searching for a rematch with Jarrett, and I think it’s a nice touch that the shoe’s on the other foot now.

— Raven supposedly finally getting his hands on Father James Mitchell. Color me curious on how they’re going to book this one, because I’ve got a hunch that Raven is just going to end up getting his ass handed to him again.

— And Sting joins the Jimmy Hart revenge tour, trying to do what Jim Duggan and Rick Steiner couldn’t, and beat the living crap out of Jeff Jarrett.

— And we’re LIVE from the TNA Monster Truck Pit in Nashville, TN, and my 3 room hovel in Buffalo, NY. Interestingly enough, someone broke into my apartment yesterday… and cleaned my bathroom. Seriously. I’d be pissed, but they did a damn good job.

— And we open, once again, with Jarrett beating the hell out of Hogan. Which, let’s face it, _never_ gets old. Whole package running down the Jarrett/Hart feud, Jarrett beating Styles for the NWA Title, and the events of last week. Amazing how negative the initial reaction to Duggan was, yet he still got a bunch of USA chants. Package finishes with Hart announcing Jarrett vs. Sting for this week.

— Cut to Hudson outside the arena with Jimmy Hart. Yes, it’s Sting vs. Jarrett this week, but Hart’s got another surprise.

— Fan made up like Crow Sting in the crowd… lots of Sting paraphenalia.

— Opening match: Kid Kash & Lazz (who?) vs. The Gathering: Lazz is playing a gay mime. I can’t possibly make that any funnier than it is. Julio Dinero has “Die Mitch Die” on his chest. This is a totally comedy match, with Lazz trying to cop a feel on CM Punk. Lazz trying to bury his face in Kash’s crotch on a tag… this is shit, I’m sorry. Kash and Dinero in the ring now, big hiptoss and armdrag by Julio, then he ducks a clothesline and hits a big backdrop. Tag to Punk, slingshot somersault legdrop, then CM stomps a mudhole on Kid Kash. Julio in, nice dropkick gets two. Punches, then Kash boots a field goal and tags in Lazz for a double back suplex, which gets 2. Northern lights suplex by Lazz gets two. Tag back to Kash, and a double back drop. Kash follows up with a rear chinlock. Julio fights to his feet and breaks out. Kash springs up top to counter an irish whip, then hits a missile dropkick. Kash hits a bodyslam and a double jump moonsault, Punk breaks up the pin at 2, and looks like he twisted his leg legit. Lazz back in with a flying neckbreaker for 2. Tag back into Kash… and we get the comedy spot where Kash tries to set Julio up for a Cha-Ching, but Lazz tries to fuck Julio up the ass. Julio breaks out and hits a clothesline, tag into CM Punk, who is a house of fire! All four men in now, Lazz and Kash whipped together, but Kash is able to dump CM Punk and Lazz and Kash hit a double team move on Dinero, but Punk pulls Kash off and they brawl outside for a bit. Dinero beats up on Lazz in the ring, then the Gathering hit the Near Death Experience (powerbomb/blockbuster combo) for 3!!! WINNERS: The Gathering. Kash with the post-match beatdown, powerbombing Lazz… and Abyss out to get him some. Running clothesline on Kash, and Kid Kash bails, but Abyss follows him.

— Raven promo with Scott Hudson. Last man standing, Raven against Father Jim Mitchell tonight.

— In ring promo with Tenay and Jeff Jarrett. I refuse to call Jarrett “Mr. October.” As much as I detest the Yankees, that’s still an insult to Reggie. Lukewarm reaction for Double J, mixed cheers and boos, with neither of them very loud. Jarrett has brought a magazine with him to the ring for some reason. Jarrett cuts Tenay off right away. “Hogan” chant. Jarrett hyping up Hogan, saying he wants to know when Hogan is going to appear in TNA, just like everyone else. Tenay tries to bring up Bash at the Beach, and Jarrett kicks him out of the ring. Jarrett tries to move on to talking about Sting, and, and GOOD GOD! THAT’S AJ STYLES’ MUSIC!!! Dammit, I can’t stop doing that… it’s addicting. Styles in with the fans. Styles says Jarrett needs to be worried about him, and Styles says he’s impatient and he needs his rematch. Jarrett basically says it will come the first Wednesday after Hell freezes over, because Styles can’t compete on his level. Styles is showing all the promo ability of a young Buff Bagwell here. And that’s not a good thing. AJ refuses to go down to the X-Division, because the X-Division doesn’t need AJ anymore. AJ goes to the ring through the crowd, Jarrett drops him on the safety rail and on the steps. In the ring now, Jarrett goes for the Stroke, but AJ fights back with a huge dropkick. AJ beating on Jarrett in the corner, Redshirts break it up, AJ fights off the Redshirts until Jarrett LABELS him with a chairshot, and the Redshirts haul him out. Jarrett finishes off saying he’ll see “Batman” in the ring in less than an hour. The Redshirts throw AJ out… and Abyss comes back in and takes out the Redshirts! Sweet! Redshirts eventually gain control and bring Abyss into the ring, but Abyss puts them both down with a double clothesline, and Ryan Wilson eats a Black Hole Slam! Abyss clotheslines Northcutt out… then starts going after Callis! Almost gets the chokeslam, but Northcutt makes the save. Abyss gets Northcutt up in the Torture Rack, then Callis threatens to fire him if he doesn’t put Northcutt down… and Abyss does his backbreaker drop. Callis bails, and Abyss follows.

— Another fantastic James Mitchell promo. “How did you prepare for this match, Raven? By pulling the wings off of flies?” Mitchell says the one thing Raven can’t do is out-think him.

— Memo to Vince McMahon: Hire James Mitchell, lock him in a room with all of your wrestlers for 3 days. If they can’t cut a decent promo after that, fire them.

— Singles match: Shane Douglas vs. The Sandman: Typical five minute Sandman entrance… and he once again blades off the beer can! Tenay mentions that Sandman was the first man to beat Shane Douglas for the ECW Title. Apparently, this is not a hardcore match, because the ref isn’t letting the Sandman use the cane. Sandman with big left hands, and a back elbow. Shane begs off, then pulls the Sandman out and baseball slides him, then jumps out the ring out him. Sandman reverses an Irish whip into the rail, then grabs a chair and tries a springboard knee smash, but he misses, and the Franchise hits a belly to belly suplex into the rail. Franchise rolls Sandman in for a 2 count. Snapmare and a kick to the head. Suplex by Douglas. Reverse rolling neck snap, announcers selling the Sandman’s old neck injury, and Shane goes to work on it. Don West is selling a rear chinlock as if it’s a Tazzmission, circa 1998. Sandman fights out, but Douglas hits him with a elbow to put him down. Douglas tries to go up top, but Sandman slams him off, then drapes Douglas across the top rope and “hits” him with a legdrop, then actually does hit him with a more orthodox slingshot legdrop. Top rope hurricanrana by the Sandman… and that looked pretty good too. Sandman grabs the cane, Douglas tries to pull the ref in the way, but Sandman puts him out of the way and hits a white Russian legsweep… for 2? And we get the return of Tracy Brooks, who comes off the top rope and hits the Pie in the Sky on the Sandman. Apparently, Tracy Brooks is the first member of the new Franchise, which is a _huge_ letdown to me. Two belly-to-bellies puts Sandman down for the 3 count. WINNER: Shane Douglas.

— Cut to the back with Scott Hudson and Jimmy Hart… and Sting!

— Tag team match: Sonny Siaki and Ekmo w/Trinity (grudgingly) vs. America’s Most Wanted: The cage dancers are not as hot tonight, imo. Trinity and Siaki have some heat between them. James Storm and Sonny Siaki to start. Siaki with an arm wringer, Storm does the somersault counter, they exchange armdrags, hiptoss and kicks, then Siaki gets a quick one count. Storm misses a dropkick, Siaki misses a legdrop, then Siaki with some fake applause, followed with a slap and an eye rake, and Storm gets a flying headscissors pretty much out of nowhere. Harris tagged in, inverted atomic drop/russian leg sweep combo gets 2. Siaki fights back, tag to Ekmo, and Harris will be getting the shit beat out of him for, oh, the next 10 minutes or so. Harris trying to knock Ekmo down, and he almost does, the Ekmo plants him with a clothesline. “Ekmo” chant? Tag to Siaki, scoop slam by Ekmo gets 2. Harris gets Siaki up in that AWESOME stalling suplex he does, and actually tags out to Storm. Double dropkick gets 2. Siaki with a big right hand, then Siaki baits Harris while Ekmo chokes Storm. Tag into Ekmo, and he goes to work on Storm. Scoop slam and a big leg drop gets 2. Headbutts in the corner, and apparently James Storm drew the Ricky Morton straw tonight. Tag to Siaki, and he rather awkwardly hooks a modified cobra clutch. Storm fights out, ducks a clothesline, and snaps off a DDT. Storm lunges for the hot tag to Harris, who hits Siaki with a big back drop then a full nelson slam. Ekmo with the Pearl Harbor job, but Harris fights back and hits a big backdrop and flying clothesline for 2. Storm dumps Siaki, and Trinity trash-talks Siaki. Harris up top, but Siaki recovers and pushes him off. Combination Gorilla Press/Ace crusher on Harris gets two, but James Storm recovers and manages to get a two count on Siaki. Ekmo puts Storm into the corner, whips Siaki into him, then accidently splashes Siaki! Spear on Ekmo gets 2! Siaki and Storm battling outside… and Trinity pushes a chair into the ring… apparently for Harris! And Harris hits Ekmo with the chair… but Trinity won’t let the ref make the count. Harris goes for the Catatonic, but David Young runs in and nails Harris in the back, letting Siaki hit the Siakolypse for 3. WINNERS: Sonny Siaki and Ekmo.

— Cut to the back with Hudson with Gilberti, Simon and Swinger. And David Young is apparently in the group now… but then he says he had an idea, and it’s Gilberti and Young verses the 3 Live Kru. Gilberti is pissed, and Simon and Swinger say they should cool him off, then invite Scott Young to get a drink with them. Have I mentioned lately I love Simon and Swinger? Not like a homosexual… more like a Viking.

— X-Division Battle Royal. Participants, in order: Low Ki, Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt, Shark Boy, Johnny Storm, Chad Collyer, Christopher Daniels, X. Tenay has no idea who X is, and neither do I. X outweighs everyone in the match by about 50 pounds. Sabin tries to toss Low Ki, but Low Ki 6-1-9’s him. Dutt tries to toss Storm, but Storm fights his way back in. Collyer with a nice German suplex on Daniels, then X comes after him. Sonjay Dutt with a sweet DDT on Storm, then Storm hits a 360 degree Michinoku Driver. Storm tries to go up top, Daniels tries to toss him, but Shark Boy makes the save. Storm hurricanranas Shark Boy into a Death Valley Driver by X, then X tosses both Shark Boy and Storm. Dutt with a spinning headscissors on X, then X catches him and tosses him into the corner. X then tosses Dutt. Everyone left in the match, X, Daniels, Collyer, Sabin and Low Ki all are in the semis. Shane Douglas and Tracy Brooks scouting the match. Low Ki and Daniels with a double team kick on Collyer, then Daniels tosses him. Collyer faces the runner up in the battle royal next week. X irish whips Daniels, then eats a boot on an idiot charge, and an enzuigiri, then X hits a chokebomb on Daniels. X now going after Sabin, then Low Ki tries to hit a Tidal Crush on X, then X powerbombs him into the corner. This guys’ offense is fucking SWEET! X trying to go up top, but Daniels stops him and Low Ki hits a Tidal Crush, Daniels with an Iconoclash, and Sabin with a frog splash on X. Daniels and Low Ki try the same double team kick move on Sabin, but Sabin ducks and hits them both with enzuigiris. Wind up backbreaker on Daniels by Sabin. Low Ki tries to toss Sabin, and Daniels tries to toss them both, but they land on the apron! Low Ki tries toss Daniels, but he lands on the apron! Daniels tries to tilt-a-whirl slam Low Ki, Low Ki hooks a Dragon Clutch, and Sabin tosses them both! Low Ki vs. Christopher Daniels next week! X goes after Sabin, Sabin tries to bail out of the ring, both men back in, and X hits a package piledriver on Sabin on a chair, then unceremoniously dumps him for the win! WINNER: X. So X gets a pass into the three-way dance finals, and it’s Collyer vs. Sabin and Low Ki vs Daniels next week in the semis.

— Scott Hudson backstage, trying to ask Don Callis about Abyss, but Don Callis only wants to talk about X. And apparently, we are going to hear from Roddy Piper this week.

— Roddy Piper interview. “I got up this morning and took a good Vince.” Piper says “I’m gonna get some white shirts and put them on the red shirts.” Rambling interview, not much of a point to it.

— Tag team match: Glen Gilberti and David Young vs. 3 Live Kru. How many nicknames do the guys in 3 Live Kru have, anyhow? Konnan does his shtick. Ron Killings (a.k.a. The Truth, The Sun-Tanned Superman) and BG James (a.k.a. B-Jizzle, Road Dogg). Truth and Young start quick rollup by Young for one. Spinning headscissors by Truth and an armdrag, then a tag to James, double hip toss and the soul handshake double elbow gets two. Dancing jabs by James, then the shaky knee drop, and Gilberti makes the save. David Young catches James with a huge spinebuster and tags in Gilberti, who hits a quick Russian leg sweep, then a people’s elbow for two. Double clothesline, and we get your standard issue double KO spot. Tags all around. Killings with a discus punch on Young, and a flying forearm on Gilberti, then counters an irish whip with a nice back kick. All four men in, the heels get whipped together. Gilberti pulls the Truth out, and Gilberti whips him into the rail. James goes low with a back kick. The ref is distracted, and Konnan throws Gilberti’s tenns racket into the ring, then Truth hits a twisting Ax Kick for the win. WINNERS: 3 Live Kru. 3LK tries to beat down Gilberti, but the champs save, which brings out AMW, and they clean house… and steal the belts! Harris on the stick, and demands a rematch… but James steals the mic, and says 3 Live Kru is the number one contenders… and that brings out Sonny Siaki, Ekmo, and Trinity. Siaki demands a shot at the champs. Gilberti tries to say he didn’t make a deal, Young says he did, and Gilberti says “I’ll make it work, I’ll make everyone happy!” Then he bails.

— Video package running down the Father James Mitchell/Raven feud. Starts with Raven’s scalping, then the hanging of the Gathering, then Raven going through the New Church and Raven making his challenge for the last man standing match.

— Last Man Standing match: Father James Mitchell vs. Raven: Actually, this is Texas Death Rules. The ref counts to 10 _after_ a pinfall or submission. Raven grinning, Mitchell looks terrified. Mitchell tries to bail, but Raven catches him and rams him into the rail, the ring steps and the announce table. Raven pounding on Mitchell on the floor, then into the steps again… and Mitchell is blading. Raven with a sleeperhold, then into the steps again. Back in the ring, Raven whipping Mitchell with the chain, then pulling it across his mouth. Raven with a chair… and the Gathering out here… and their appearance distracts Raven, allowing Mitchell to go low and hit a couple of chairshots on Raven, which gets a one count. Mitchell with the choke, and just why is the ref trying to stop the chokehold? Mitchell whipping Raven with the chain. Mitchell slapping Raven across the face. Mitchell wobbling, Raven fights back. Discus clothesline, two running clotheslines, Raven sets up the chair, drop toe hold onto the chair. Raven Effect. Ref counts to 10, the match is over… Raven hangs Mitchell! Mitchell tapped a gusher here… he’s totally out. WINNER: Raven. Raven cuts a promo on Jeff Jarrett afterward. Raven again tries to tell the Gathering to stay out of his business, then he says he’s setting the Gathering free… and that gets Punk all out of sorts.

— Cut to Tenay and Don West… West wearing a piss-yellow outfit tonight, for those who had money on it in Vegas. Next week, Chris Sabin vs. Chad Collyer and Low Ki vs. Christopher Daniels in the X-Division Triple Chance Tournament. And why the hell does a wrestler always interrupt West’s shill??? Merchandise shilling.

— Main Event: Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting: HUGE reaction for Sting. Jarrett stalls outside for a while. Not quite Zybyzko level, but it’s a valiant attempt. Jarrett tosses a Sting blanket back to a fan who tried to throw it in. Jarrett finally gets in… and bails right away. I like Jarrett much better as a cowardly heel than a badass face. We finally lockup, side headlock by Sting, Jarrett throws him off, Sting puts him down with a shoulderblock. Another lockup, another side headlock, another throw off, Jarrett with a leapfrog this time, and Sting puts him down with a clothesline. Jarrett slinks into the corner and begs off. “Let’s Go Sting” chant. Stings wins a test of strength, then boots Jarrett in the gut.. and gets a Scorpion Deathlock? Jarrett gets to the ropes quick and bails. Jarrett limping outside the ring, but Sting follows. Sting beating the hell out of Jarrett, even using the blanket Jarrett threw out earlier, which is a cool touch. Fighting into the crowd, Sting with two chairshots, then puts him into a garbage can, then throws the garbage can at him. Back at ringside, Sting rams Jarrett into the table, then hits him with an electric fan. Sting ramming Jarrett into the rail, and this is a Grade-A shitkicking right here. Back in the ring, and Jarrett has bladed. Jarrett with a desperation sleeperhold. Sting down to a knee, but he quickly fights back and breaks the hold with a couple of elbows. Toe-to-toe punches, then Sting gains control, hits two clotheslines and a Stinger splash! Sting goes for the deathlock, but Jarrett kicks him off into Rudi Charles. Jarrett goes for the belt, Sting ducks it, Scorpion Death Drop! 2 count… and Callis pulls out Rudi Charles! Jarrett with the belt shot on Sting… and Jimmy Hart keeps Rudi Charles from counting 3! Sting with a Scorpion Deathlock, and here come the Redshirts! Stinger splashes for both Redshirts! Jarrett back in with a chairshot on Sting… and cue the heel beatdown! WINNER BY DQ: Sting. And Raven from the back… and Raven starts beating on Jarrett! He almost gets a Raven Effect, but the Redshirts make the save… but Raven fights them off. Jarrett with an enzuigiri on Raven, and the Redshirts and Jarrett beat the heck out of him… and AJ Styles takes out the Redshirts with a springboard bodyblock! Styles beats on Jarrett, but the Redshirts hit Styles with a powerbomb/neckbreaker combo and then go to town on Styles…. and here comes Abyss!!! And all the heels bail. Styles raises Abyss’ hand… but Abyss gives him the Black Hole Slam. Jarrett going for the guitar shot on Sting… but Sting blocks it with the bat! Sting cleans house with the bat, even knocking Abyss’ fake jaw off! Abyss standing on the ramp with the Redshirts… is he heel now? Callis sets up Redshirts vs. Raven next week… but Sting says he’s coming back next week… as long as Styles is his tag team partner. Jarrett says okay, but it’ll be Styles and Sting vs. Jarrett and… LAWRENCE PFOHL! Okay, it’s Lex Luger. And it’s Sting’s turn to look stunned. And that takes us out.

— Some real nice angle development on this show, I highly enjoyed it. I don’t know that anyone would rate any of the in-ring action ****, but since my sole concern is whether or not it amused me, I don’t care. Well worth my money this week.