411’s NWA TNA Report 12.10.03

NWA: TNA WRESTLING — 12/10/03

— TNA recapper Jack Daniels here. First-rate commentary and high-speed typing contracted for, sarcasm adding free of charge. No, I’m not Stewart Mandel. I get more chicks than he does, but then, I’ve got lower standards, too.

— Just to give fair warning, I’ve been in full out “Fuck the World” mode all this week. Getting screwed over on a $500 bonus will do that to a person. So, for this show only, negative comments are going to be harsher than usual, and I will try to make any positive comments sound like I’m damning with faint praise. Basically, it’s going to be just like a Scott Keith rant. Before we get to the recap from last week, though, let me take some time to talk about the one thing that has truly brought me joy in life lately…

— SAMURAI CADAVER DOGS UPDATE! The Dogs are a pristine 6-0 heading into this week’s showdown with the 5-1 E Street Shufflers. I’ve benched The Ricky Davis Experience, but it’s looking like maybe I should’ve started Fuckin’ Radmanovic this week instead of Matt Harpring, who is turning out to be a big useless piece of white space, kind of like Iowa. Oh well, at least Elton Brand is back, and that pleases me mightily.

— Yes, I know I have a blog on 411 where I can post crap like that now. No, I don’t really care. See paragraph #2. Although my little contribution for Black will be in Widro’s box Friday morning, to be posted sometime, eventually. Of course, he’s heard that before. Actually, it’ll be a semi-regular contribution, and the first chapter of it is just prologue.

— I’m only going to pimp one thing this week, because you know by now to read Stephen Randal and Melchor. But you should also read Grutman’s latest A Wrestling Tale. Sad and deeply moving, best thing I’ve read on the ‘net since Hyatte wrote “The Road.”

— Major Developments from last week: Dutch Mantell is telepathic and books a show with no blood for every week when I roll out the NWA: TNA Drinking Game. Low Ki won a shot at the X-Division title, but Christopher Daniels beat him down backstage, Pillmanized his arm, and took the title shot instead. America’s Most Wanted won a title match against 3 Live Kru by beating Simon and Swinger and David Young and Glen Gilberti in a 3-way tag match that sowed the seeds for Simon and Swinger to turn on Gilberti and Young. Michael Shane and Shane Douglas (The New Franchise) cheated more than Guerreros to beat Sonjay Dutt and Chris Sabin. The Redshirts and Abyss beat Raven and The Gathering, and a post-match beatdown set up a Raven vs. Abyss match for this week. Roddy Piper will return live this week, only so he can be kicked off of TV by Don Callis again. And Jeff Jarrett, with the help of Abyss, Don Callis, The Redshirts, Kid Kash, and the Tennessee National Guard, beat AJ Styles to retain the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. Got all that? Good.

— And we’re MORE OR LESS LIVE from the TNA Dog Show Emporium in Nashville, TN, and my 3-room cesspool in Buffalo, NY. I’m not playing the drinking game tonight, but I will be drinking massive amounts of alcohol in an attempt to… well, I don’t really know what I’m trying to do. I just wanna drink.

— And TNA production managed not to screw up anything in the pre-game show that I saw. We’ll see how long that lasts.

— And we get the “Malice” tribute graphic. I’ve got dibs on Misawa next, I just have the feeling that the next one is going to come out of nowhere. And he’s certainly been dropped on his head enough.

— Video package. Jarrett pimping that he has news that will shock the wrestling world: He performed oral sex on his dad in order to get his title reign. Styles/Jarrett highlights, and I use that term very loosely. That was the worst title match I’ve seen since Styles/Rhodes.

— Cut to backstage. Jarrett going over his victim list. Gilberti is convinced 3 Live Kru will be with Jarrett. Simon and Swinger conspicuous by their absence. I see what they’re trying to do, put every shitty wrestler with Jarrett. Callis says Piper is nowhere to be found.

— Faces waiting for Watts, who says Piper will be there, and Watts has some surprises.

— TNA open. The cage dancer’s ass is keeping my mind off the fact that her mouth looks like a horse’s.

— Opening match: Kid Kash vs. “Heavy D” Don Harris: And mercifully, the Redshirts jump Harris , thus saving us from this abortion of a match, hopefully. Legend is an improvement over Ryan Wilson as a Redshirt. Then again, Nikolai Volkoff would’ve been an improvement. Kash with some bitch slaps. Kash, be a man and use some pimp slaps, at least. Kash with brawling as Heavy D gets to his feet. Clothesline by Kash, to no effect. Harris catches a Kash crossbody and hits a fallaway slam, then a big backbody drop. Kash bails. Harris controls with some brawling on the floor. Harris catches the Smashmouth and _nails_ Kash with it. Don West wearing puke yellow, for those wagering on it. Kash gets out of a chokeslam, but Harris with a twisting back suplex. Redshirts attack, Jarrett in with a guitar shot, game, set, match. WINNER: Kid Kash. Thank God it was short.

— Jarrett on the stick, which means that at least we won’t see him wrestle. Jarrett says those with him (Kid Kash) get rewarded, and those against him (Don Harris) get punished. Jarrett says no one can stop him. Post-match beatdown continues until AJ Styles makes the save. Heels bail, then try to surround a chair wielding Styles… and then the bagpipes hit! And it’s a LIVE BAGPIPE BAND!!! Okay, that’s enough to shake me from my bad mood. My god, these pipers are fat… then the lights go out. Where’s Piper, dammit? Piper coming in through the crowd.

— Piper shakes AJ Styles’ hand. Piper with an off-color Michael Jackson/Don Callis joke that I can’t possibly do justice to in print. But what the hell, I’ll try. “I was out in LA, and I drove past Neverland, and I saw a sign that said ‘You must be this high to ride Michael,’ and Callis wasn’t, broke his little heart.” See, it falls flat if you don’t get the delivery right. Piper is reclaiming his turf in 2004. Piper tells Jarrett wrestling made him, you didn’t make wrestling. Piper says Jarrett’s on his “victim’s list.” Jarrett says Piper has always been able to talk the talk, but he’s never been able to walk the walk. Jarrett says he’s going to take care of Piper tonight. Jarrett rushes the ring… and D’Lo Brown is back! Piper beating up both Redshirts. Erik Watts in the ring. Watts promises to make Jarrett’s life a living hell. Watts makes Jarrett plus a mystery partner versus AJ Styles and D’Lo Brown, and Piper is the enforcer. Works for me. 10 bucks on the mystery partner being Kid Kash.

— Scott Hudson in the back with AMW. Chris Harris really needs to stop looking at the cue cards during his promos. Storm isn’t too bad on the mic, except for the accent, and even that’s not at Dusty Rhodes level.

— X-Division Title Match: Christopher Daniels vs. Michael Shane (c) w/Traci (there, I spelled it with an i, are you freakin’ happy now?) Brooks: Traci looking as hot as ever tonight. I might suggest ordering the replay just to see her outfit. Shane stalls to start, then takes control with some right hands. Punches exchanged. More punch/kick. Eye rakes exchanged until Daniels hits a leg lariat… then more brawling in the corner. Two of the most talented guys in the fed, and all they’re doing is punch/kick. Shane with a backdrop, then Daniels floats over another one and chop block Daniels and starts working the left leg. Modified spinning toe hold by Daniels. Then a few knee drops to the leg, then a moonsault on the leg. Daniels plays to the crowd, then stretches Shane’s leg over the top rope in kind of a Tarantula type move. Traci distracts Daniels, and Shane runs Daniels into the steps, and we’ve got blading!!!! Daniels tapped a gusher there. Shane with a 2 count in the ring, then some kicks to the head, then he hits the chinlock. Choke on the ropes, then Shane distracts the ref and Traci chokes Daniels. Shane tries to hop onto Daniels, but crotches himself instead and Daniels gets a 2 count. Shane kicks Daniels off, and his leg injury seems to have disappeared. Daniels gets out of a suplex, but a Shane back elbow gets two. This is the worst X-Division match I’ve ever seen. Daniels up to his knees, and he pounds on Shane’s left leg. Shane pounds on Daniels, then tries a twisting bodypress and misses, tweaking his leg again. Daniels with two dropkicks to the leg and a dragon screw. Kicks to the leg and an enzuigiri gets 2 for Daniels. Daniels tries for the figure four, but Shane catches him with a punch. Neckbreaker by Shane gets 2. Shane tries a fisherman suplex, Daniels reverses to an STO, and Shane reverses to a Fisherman’s DDT, but Daniels has a foot on the ropes. Daniels with a back heel trip, then he misses the Best Moonsault Ever. Shane distracts the ref, and Traci hits Pie in the Sky. Shane tries to hit the superkick, but Daniels catches it and gets the Nagata Lock! Traci distracts the ref, but Daniels pulls her in the ring, gives us a SWEET shot of her ass in a thong, and sets her up for the Angel’s Wings, but Shane hits a superkick for … 2!!! Traci throws in a chain to Shane and distracts the ref, but Chris Sabin steals the chain and throws it to Daniels, who hits Shane, but the ref sees it, and disqualifies him. WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION: Michael Shane. Sabin and Daniels brawl after the bell.

— Hudson in the back with 3 Live Kru. 3 Live Kru respects AMW, but they don’t fear him… but Gilberti interrupts the interview. He wants an answer for Jarrett, and says he can help 3 Live Kru keep the titles… then Simon and Swinger interrupt. BG James “You fellas debate same-sex marriage on your own time.” Young apparently forgot to tell Simon and Swinger about the meeting… and Simon and Swinger threaten interfering in the title match, just to mess with Gilberti.

— Recap of 3 Live Kru winning the titles, and AMW earning the title shot.

— NWA World Tag Team Title Match: America’s Most Wanted vs. 3 Live Kru (c) w/Konnan: They teased new 3 Live Kru music, then switched to the same crappy theme song. DAMMIT! Konnan with a Kobe Bryant jersey for some reason. Borash, looking for all the world like a frat boy, doing the intros. If you’re going to do the classy in ring intro thing, the announcer needs to be at least in a suit and tie, and preferably a tux. At least Konnan doesn’t get to do his shtick. Storm and James to start. Storm with an arm wringer, reversed, then reversed again, some mat reversals, and we end up with hammerlocks reversed. James does a crotch chop, then Storm hauls off on him. James ducks a clothesline and tries the dancing punches, but Storm breaks it up at 2. He almost gets a superkick, but James catches the ropes and bails. 3LK playing the heel role in this one. James goes low, blind tag by Harris, and they get the reverse atomic drop/Russian leg sweep combo. Tag back to Storm, then some more double team work, and a Chris Harris bulldog lets Storm get 2. Storm tries a Tornado DDT, but James throws him off and tags in Killings. Killings with a flying forearm, then a running powerslam. Harris jumps in, then does a suplex into a stunner. Killings with a twisting superkick to storm, then a spinning toe hold? What, did we go back to 1977? Simon and Swinger on the ramp. Killings continue to work the knee. Tag to James, who continues to work the left leg with a kick and three straight knee drops. Crowd just seems out of it tonight. Storm manages to reverse an Irish whip to a DDT somehow, and we have double hot tags, and Killings and Harris exchange punches and kicks until Harris gets a full nelson slam. Lariat takes down Harris, then Storm takes down Killings, and a Hart Attack on Killings gets 2 as James makes the save. Killings gets dumped and Storm tries to follow him, but Harris bumps into him and knocks him to the floor, and Killings gets a two count on Harris after hitting a twisting superkick. David Young arguing with Simon and Swinger, and Killings and Storm take out all the heels. Ref bump, and Harris gets a spear on James, but there’s no ref. Harris with a sharpshooter, but Gilberti gets in with a chairshot. Killings with a twisting ax kick, and that’s your match. WINNERS: 3 Live Kru.

— Hudson in the back with Jarrett and Callis. Hudson asks Jarrett who his partner is, Callis tries to say he doesn’t need one, but Jarrett disagrees.

— Promo with the Gathering, who still have an unhealthy obsession with Raven.

— Tag Team Match: Redshirt Security vs. The Gathering: And I don’t think I’ve seen that superhot dancer with the Santa hat before. Gathering tries to rush the ring, and they put down the Redshirts and Punk gets a quick two on Northcutt, but then the Redshirts put a stop to that. Northcutt pounds on Punk in the corner, then gets an elbow for 2. Tag to Legend, more pounding on CM Punk. Legend gets a 2 count, then chokes Punk with his own jacket. Elbow drop gets 2. Tag to Kevin Northcutt, and they hit a back suplex/lariat combo for a 2 count. Armlock and chinlock combo on Punk as I get another beer. Punk gets out of the armwringer, but Northcutt prevents the hot tag, then the redshirts work a weird Giant swing/dropkick combo for two. I’d say Punk is playing Ricky Morton, but I think even Morton got in more offense. Punk with a surprise rollup, but the ref is distracted. Legend with a superkick for 2, then stands on Punk’s hair. Fistdrop gets 2. Armbar by Legend. Punk gets up to his feet, Legend yanks him down by the hair. Tag back to Northcutt. Kneedrop by Northcutt gets 2. Pounding on Punk in the corner. Dinero tries to get in the ring, allowing Legend and Northcutt both to choke Punk. Northcutt with a pumphandle Exploder suplex for 2. Big clothesline by Northcutt, then a tag to Legend. Legend working on Punk’s arms, then he gets a chicken wing sleeper type move. Punk flips out of it, Legend misses a leg drop, hot tag to Julio Dinero, who gets put down by a Northcutt superkick. Punk takes out Legend with a crossbody, and Northcutt goes for a powerbomb, but Dinero flips out and rolls him up for 3. WINNER: The Gathering.

— Scott Hudson in the back with The New Franchise. Franchise says he will only answer Jarrett face-to-face. Douglas says Sabin is looking past Shane Douglas to Ultimate X 2, which will be on January 7th.

— Making of the TNA Babe Calendar package. About what you’d expect.. .and that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing.

— Singles match: Shane Douglas w/Traci vs. Chris Sabin: Traci has changed into a pair of tight jeans after having her pants ripped by Christopher Daniels. I’ve always had a thing for chicks with glasses. “Hail Sabin” chant. Shane, paying homage to Larry Zbyszko, uses the STALL OF DOOM. Sabin tries to sneak attack, but Douglas pounds on him. WOOOOOOOOO chops in the corner. Sabin fights backs with elbows, then hits an enzuigiri. Bodyslam by Sabin, then he tries to go up top, but Douglas crotches him. Superplex by Douglas for 2. Front suplex by Douglas, then the reverse rolling neck snap. I’d say Douglas ate a boot on the Idiot Charge, but he wasn’t moving fact enough to “charge.” Sabin catapults Douglas into the turnbuckles, then puts him down with 3 clotheslines for a 2 count. Sabin gets out of the way of an idiot charge, then a flying crossbody gets two. Midring collision takes out both guys. Traci on the apron with the chain, but Sabin kicks it out of the ring, then hits a rolling wheel kick. Michael Shane tries to interfere, but Sabin dropkicks him off the apron. Traci jumps in the ring to yell at Sabin for hitting her, and Douglas tries to bum rush Sabin, but Sabin moves and Douglas crushes Traci, letting Sabin get a victory roll for 3! WINNER: Chris Sabin.

— Hudson in the back with D’Lo and AJ, with Piper. Styles says this is all about Revenge. I just realized that AJ is stealing some of his mannerisms from D’Lo. D’Lo says he competes at any damn level he chooses. Piper tells Watts not to worry about getting fired, and sends out his new tagline to Callis, “Piss me off and watch me grow!”

— Don Callis and Abyss promo. Jim Mitchell is really the ideal manager for Abyss. Can we make this happen? Raven responds with a promo.

— Singles match: Abyss vs. Raven: I need to take a piss. Luckily, I got back before anything happened. And they need to show the dancer with the Santa hat again. Lockup to start, and Abyss takes control right away with some pounding in the corner. Irish whip, but Abyss crotches himself on an idiot charge and Raven repeatedly rams his head into the turnbuckle. Boot by Abyss, but Raven drop toe holds him out of the ring. Brawling on the floor. Abyss, weakly, put into the ring steps and guardrail by Raven. Abyss reverses an irish whip into the safety rail. Abyss pounding on Raven on the floor, then ramming him into the steel steps. T-minus 30 seconds until Raven blades. More slow brawling on the floor. Abyss hits Raven so hard he sends him over the guardrail onto the floor. Chairshot on Raven. Abyss ramming the chair into Raven’s ribs, as he apparently is selling a rib injury from last week, according to West. Back to the ringside area, Abyss with a choke, then rams Raven into the guardrail. Raven rolls back in, and Abyss gets the table and puts it in the ring. Abyss with a forearm to knock Raven back down. Abyss sets up the table in the corner, but he can’t get it set right. Abyss ducks a discuss clothesline and bearhugs Raven. Raven fights out, springs off the ropes, and goes right back to the bearhug. Now, Abyss tries to set up the table again, but he _still_ can’t get it right. Dude, let’s give up. Abyss misses an idiot charge and eats ringpost. Discus clothesline by Raven, then an Irish whip and clothesline, and a kneelift, the Raven sets up the table, and it only takes him ONE try. That’s a veteran for you. Raven goes for the Raven Effect, but Abyss stops it and gets a Torture Rack drop for 2. Abyss tries for another one, but Raven reverses to a bulldog, and out comes Legend for the ref distraction. Raven knocks him off the apron, but Abyss spears Raven, quite brutally, through the table for 2. Legend tries to hold Raven for Abyss, but Raven ducks and gets a roll up for 2. Abyss tries the chokeslam, but Raven reverses to a Raven Effect, and Legend pulls the ref out at 2. Kevin Northcutt in with an Exploder suplex on Raven letting Abyss get the … 2? “Let’s Go Raven” chant. Bearhug, again. Raven blading from his back from the table spot. Niiiiiiiiiiice. Ref raises the arm, it drops, raise, drop, raise, stays up. Raven fights up, then superkicks Abyss to the floor. Then the Redshirts back in, Raven puts them down, but Abyss in with a Black Hole Slam as the ref throws the match out. WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION: Raven. The Gathering comes out to make sure a postmatch beatdown doesn’t happen. All six men brawling and the faces are in control to start. The heels fight back and put the Gathering out. Redshirts and Abyss beating down on Raven, but Punk makes a last second save. Faces clear the ring, Raven _labels_ Abyss with a chair, and Raven gets on the stick and makes a 6-man cage match for next week… Raven and the Gathering versus the Redshirts and Abyss.

— West and Tenay pimping merchandise. Ladda Ladda Ladda. Next week, Low Ki versus Michael Shane for the X-Division Title… and we go to the back.

— Hudson with Callis, and he confirms the 6-man match. Callis accuses Goldilocks of “working the board” at night and goes on a sweet rant against Piper and Erik Watts. “You’re about four brains short to match wits with me.”

— Main Event: Jeff Jarrett and a Mystery Partner vs. AJ Styles and D’Lo Brown: And the mystery partner is… Kid Kash! Can I call ’em? And thank you, TNA for showing Santa’s Little Helper again. And I’ve got 10 bucks on Piper’s NWA flag being used in this match. Heels try the Pearl Harbor job, but Styles takes out Jarrett with a flying clothesline, and they hit a double dropkick on a _flying_ Kid Kash. Then D’Lo back drops AJ into a moonsault plancha on both heels! NICE! AJ rolls Kash back into the ring as D’Lo and Jarrett brawl in the crowd. Pinfalls exchanged, and we cut to the crowd where Brown hits Jarrett with a chairshot. Vicious back suplex by Styles on Kash, and we get the match proper going as AJ tags D’Lo. D’Lo with a kick for a two count, then a tag back to AJ. AJ gets a blind tag on D’Lo as he hits an assisted Missile dropkick on Kash. Sliding lariat by D’Lo gets 2. Kash gets rammed into the turnbuckle, then D’Lo does that floatover irish whip counter, but Kash ducks a clothesline and takes out D’Lo’s legs. Tag to Jarrett, double elbow puts D’Lo down. Announcers talking about Jarrett’s big news, D’Lo with a shoulderblock on Jarrett, and gets the tag to AJ. AJ with some right hands, Jarrett fires back, then AJ with an Irish whip, a leapfrog, a rolling somersault, then a dropkick. Bodyslam and kneedrop by AJ gets 2. Irish whip reversed, and Jarrett drops AJ over the top rope then tags in Kid Kash, who chokes Styles. Kash rams AJ into the turnbuckle. Irish whip, AJ moonsaults into an inverted DDT attempt, but Kash reverses to a shoulderbreaker for 2. Tag to Jarrett, who hits a spinning back suplex, and he does the Flair strut. Jarrett with a vertical suplex for two. Tag to Kash, drop toe hold/assisted leg drop combo move gets two. Kash with a top wristlock type move, but putting pressure on the shoulder too. AJ hits the ropes with his foot, AJ chant, but Kash ends the rally with a clothesline. Tag to Jarrett, and the sleeperhold by Jarrett. Styles shoots him off, and we get our double-KO spot as they collide mid-ring. AJ makes the hot tag and (cue NBA Jam audio) HE’S ON FIRE!!! Flying forearm on Jarrett gets 2. Powerslam gets 1 as Kash breaks it up. D’Lo telegraphs a backdrop, tag to Kash, but D’Lo with 2 quick clotheslines and an Osaka Street Cutter (check your copy of Here Comes the Pain for what _that_ is). Kash with the comeback, hitting a somersault dropkick from across the ring onto D’Lo’s nuts. Styles with the save, inverted DDT on Kash for 2. Clothesline by Jarrett puts Styles down for a 2 count, then D’Lo and AJ hit a double Sky High on Jarrett. Match has completely broken down. Jarrett with a chair, AJ and Kash battling on the top turnbuckle, the ref stops Jarrett allowing Piper to use the flag to knock out Kash (can I call it?), and set up a MID ROPE STYLES CLASH for the win! WINNERS: AJ Styles and D’Lo Brown. Heels are arguing as Kash explains to Jarrett how Piper hit him, then Jarrett yells at Callis, and Erik Watts is in the crowd. He makes Jarrett put the title on the line, and Jarrett says he won’t defend against D’Lo or AJ, so Watts makes it against Sting! Jarrett insists it won’t be a title match, and Watts has moved to the top of his victims list. Heel beatdown on Watts in the crowd to take us out.

— Lackluster show. Just kinda felt, I don’t know, blah. Nothing bad about it, but nothing terrific, either.