411’s WWE Raw Report 01.01.07

We’re in Miami, Florida. Hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler. Tonight’s main event is John Cena v Kevin Federline. Tonight is also the last RAW show before the PPV on Sunday; New Year’s Revolution.

CLIPS – We get a few selected bits and bobs from K-Fed’s short WWE run. Including his challenge for tonight’s match.

JOHN CENA v KEVIN FEDERLINE

The main event is two hours early. Cena has gained two wrist tattoos over the festive period. “Celebrated recording artist” – Lillian of K-Fed. Federline has a “Team Federline” boxing style robe. Federline has a mic. He’s making a little change to this match. He makes this no DQ after talking to Coach. He introduces his personal trainer JOHNNY NITRO. He’s K-Fed’s corner man this evening. Federline stalls for time. “We want Britney” – Miami. Federline ensures his hands are well taken care of and puts on some gloves. Oh he has an amateur boxing helmet too. Cena gives him a free headlock. Cena throws him off. Nitro jumps on the apron to give Federline some more advice. Federline dumps the gloves to get a better grip. Nitro slides a chair in and Federline wants to do a Masterlock challenge. Cena goes along with it and the full nelson is on. Cena looks unimpressive and powers out easily. Federline wants more advice and Nitro is back up there. He dumps the head gear and the mouthpiece. Federline wants a test of strength. It takes two arms to get Cena’s one down and he tries for a cross armbreaker but Cena powers him up and dumps him on the buckles. Nitro runs in but Cena sees him coming, lays him out with a lariat and tosses over the top. Federline goes low but gets picked up into the FU. In comes UMAGA though to jab him in the throat. Wasn’t there a stipulation where they weren’t allowed to touch each other? Umaga gets the title belt and nails Cena with it then walks. Federline pops back in there for the cover and pins Cena.

Winner: Kevin Federline via pinfall. Stallmungus. They’ll be no living with him after that win. Not that anyone wants to live with him.

BACKSTAGE Team Federline celebrates. That’d be Nitro, Melina and a bunch of hangers on. MARIA wants an interview but Melina takes offence at her. She points out K-Fed just beat the WWE champion. Melina tells Maria to get in the ring later and slaps her.

ELSEWHERE DX debate something. No audio.

ELSEWHERE Team Federline’s celebrations continue and they’re joined by the COACH. He says it’s a new year and Cena’s night isn’t over. He books Cena against Umaga tonight AND Estrada AND Coach AND Nitro. 4 on 1.

RINGSIDE – Miami Heat. They’re the NBA champions.

CRYME TYME/HIGHLANDERS v TEXAS RANGERS/WORLDS GREATEST TAG TEAM

Shaq gets a meet and greet with Cryme Tyme and then thinks they’ve stolen his wallet. Black on black crime! Rory and Cade start out. Rory with a high crossbody for 2. JTG gets the tag in and Cade boots him down. Murdoch trips him up. Haas in with a hard Irish whip. Butterfly suplex gets 2. Cade in but he misses a Savage elbow. Murdoch tags in but Shad hot tags and lays out both Rangers. Boot for Cade. Back suplex for Murdoch gets 2. Everyone gets thrown over the top leaving Shad with Murdoch. JTG sneaks in an illegal assist and Shad gets the pin.

Winners: Cryme Tyme/Highlanders via pinfall. Shelton didn’t even get in there. Neither did Robbie. What’s that about?

WRESTLEMANIA RECALL – WM 3. Hogan v Andre.

JEFF HARDY v ROB CONWAY

Rob Conway comes out here and says it’s a new year and he’s tired of being a whipping boy. His new year’s resolution is that he’s a winner and if he can’t beat Jeff he’ll quit RAW. Lawler brings up La Resistance, which pretty much guarantees Conway is going to Smackdown. Jeff gets a Brisco corner roll up for the win.

Winner: Jeff Hardy via pinfall. Rob’s new year’s resolution lasted all of ten seconds.

POST MATCH Vincent Kennedy McMahon is out here. Conway shakes his hand. Vince brings up new year’s resolutions saying 99% of people won’t last the year. Conway didn’t last a minute. He has a few resolutions. He’s going to stop being so damn nice. He’s going to stop letting people take advantage of him like Donald Trump. He compares Rosie O’Donnell to Yokozuna then explains his own joke. Vince talks about The Donald’s “You’re Fired” catchphrase that he originated on RAW. He won’t let Conway quit RAW because he’s fired.

BACKSTAGE Todd Grisham talks to Kenny Dykstra. He says Flair’s handshake was him trying to change the story. He says the story was him beating Ric Flair not Flair’s good sportsmanship. Kenny intends to add a 4th death to James Brown, Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein; Ric’s career.

CLIPS – Rated RKO destroy Ric Flair. Then bash DX about with chairs a few weeks back.

BACKSTAGE DX walk. Lawler warns Rated RKO to get out of here.

PROMO TIME – DX

Loads of DX signs out there. Crowd reaction is very strong. HHH stalls on a promo to listen for a while. Shawn cuts HHH’s standard DX thing off to talk about how he can’t pretend what he just saw in the clips didn’t happen. He says between them DX have taken on everyone over the last five years. He talks about the stars of tomorrow including “the greatest in ring performer of his generation”. He says everyone is gone and jerking the curtain some place else but HHH and Shawn are still here. He says that Edge & Orton appear to have a set but then they smacked around Ric Flair’s lifeless body. He points out that Rated RKO beat up on DX and made them bleed. He says they have a set but they don’t know what to do with them. This Sunday they’re going to kick Rated RKO’s nuts down their throat. HHH gets the mic and says he’s disappointed. He thought they’d be having a big fight but Rated RKO aren’t even hear, double yeast infection is what he heard. He knows they’ll be at the PPV because Rated RKO think they have DX. HHH points out they bested Vince McMahon making them different. HHH compares DX to Frosted Mini Wheats. They have a sugary good side that people love and they also have the other side. That’s the side Rated RKO will get because they’re ruthless bastards. “Welcome to the other side”. HHH says they’re going to tear flesh, break bones and leave them in a bloody heap. HHH gets all intense and the fans have two words for us.

MELINA PEREZ v MARIA KANELLIS

Maria is still selling the slap from earlier. This is interupted by VICTORIA though before the bell rings. She joins the commentary team. Maria jumps and pounds away. Melina facelocks her. Victoria talks about how she’s done all the PR and everything but she’s never gets a match at Wrestlemania. She has space for another name on her list. Victoria calls these two “washed up bikini models”. Melina ties Maria in the ropes by her hair and beats her. Melina runs into a boot. Maria frees herself and punches. She misses with a dropkick and Melina jack knife pins her for 2 before actually pinning for 3 at the second attempt.

Winner: Melina Perez via pinfall. That was total ASS.

POST MATCH Victoria eyes up Melina but doesn’t whomp her. Instead she goes after Lillian Garcia. Mickie James saves her from a Widow’s Peak. Victoria bails and they have a stare down.

CLIPS – WWE in Iraq.

RIC FLAIR/CARLITO w/Torrie Wilson v KENNY DYKSTRA/CHRIS MASTERS

Masters wusses out of wrestling Carlito. Kenny in to wail on him. Carlito hits a rana and goes after Masters. That allows Kenny to sweep him back down and tag Masters. Flair is in and he takes out Masters’ knee then chops at him. Figure Four! Masters struggles so Kenny runs in to break it. Ad break. We return with Masters working over Carlito with a backbreaker. During the break Carlito went springboard and Masters tripped him. Hence the heat. Kenny gets into a striking duel with Carlito but manages to tag out with a facelock. Masters grabs Carlito’s leg for Kenny to elbow drop him. Kenny with a chinlock. Carlito runs into a big flying back elbow. Masters back in to work at the back. Carlito tries to fight his way out of the heel corner but Masters suplexes him for 2. Chinlock. Masters with a press slam for 2. Carlito with a springboard back elbow. Masters is down. Kenny knocks Flair off the apron and runs him into the steps. Masters with a clothesline on Carlito and he calls for the Masterlock. It’s on. Carlito struggles in it but Masters wears him down. Flair runs in to clip the knee. That breaks the hold. Kenny gets the tag though only to miss a splash. Flair gets the tag and chops away at Kenny. More knife edges. Flair lines up the figure four but Masters lays him out. Carlito double legs him and they bail to fight up the ramp. Kenny looks for the figure four but Flair kicks him off. Kenny pins using the ropes though to get another pin on Flair.

Winners: Kenny Dykstra/Chris Masters via pinfall

POST MATCH Flair gets on the stick. He calls for Kenny to come back in here and fight. RANDY ORTON is here out of nowhere and hits the RKO. EDGE is here too. They grab a pair of chairs and look at Flair with evil intentions. Conchairto for Naitch. They leave through the crowd before DX can react.

The guy behind Lawler looks just like Scott Keith.

SHILL – New Year’s Revolution. Masters v Carlito, Mickie v Victoria, Flair v Kenny, Nitro v Hardy, Cena v Umaga, DX v Rated RKO.

UMAGA/JOHNNY NITRO/ARMANDO ALEJANDRO ESTRADA/THE COACH v JOHN CENA

Kevin Federline is out here first. He says he told everyone that he never backs down and overcomes everything. He says he shocked the world when he beat John Cena earlier. He’s sit ringside to watch Cena get his ass kicked, again. He’s on commentary, which entails him shouting “that’s my man” everytime he sees Nitro. Estrada doesn’t have his ring gear on. Everyone bails apart from Umaga when Cena gets out here so they start with a brawl. Cena dodges a corner charge and hits a flying shoulderblock for 2. He dodges another charge with Umaga falling over the top. In comes Nitro to pound on Cena but he gets clotheslined a few times. Fisherman suplex and Nitro eats ring post. Umaga is back in with the Samoan drop though. Umaga hauls Cena’s body over to the heel corner to hit a Banzai drop but he gets knees in the nuts. Nitro in to get clotheslined again. Coach and Estrada are dragged in. Umaga gets tripped into the STFU. Cena sees Estrada coming with a chair and steals it to bash Umaga and cause the DQ.

Winners: Umaga/Nitro/Estrada/Coach via DQ

POST MATCH FU for Nitro. FU for Coach. He bails for Federline and drags him into the ring. FU for K-Fed. Umaga has a stare down from the ramp but Cena rules the ring.

I’ll be back with Smackdown at week’s end and then the PPV Sunday night. Until then, take it easy. Oh, I need a name for the Smackdown report. I was thinking Furious…something. But I’ve drawn a blank. So I’d appreciate suggestions. And watch out for a new feature on next weeks RAW recap.