411’s WWE Raw Report 03.12.07

In memory of Ernie Ladd (1938-2007)

I got lucky and flipped channels to discover Raw was an hour earlier than usual this week. I was in the midst of penning this week’s Furious on Film. I’m guessing it’s not live or something. I can’t keep track of what’s going on out in the real world! I have too much shit to do.

We’re in Washington DC. Hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.

PROMO TIME – John Cena

Mixed reaction for the champ. He says it’s tense. He asks himself; does he trust Shawn Michaels? He’s just waiting to get stabbed in the back and betrayed on the doorstep of Wrestlemania. He isn’t down with being backstabbed. He calls out Shawn Michaels and in kicks the DX music and out comes the challenger. Cena says the only reason Shawn has his back is because he wants the WWE title. Shawn says that’s right. He says he’s kept his word and not turned on Cena yet though. HBK brings up the possibility of Cena turning on him before Mania. He points out Cena will do whatever it takes to be the champion and that’s what he likes about him. HBK says he wants one day in the sun more than Cena wants to keep the belt. This brings out COACH. He doesn’t want them fighting because there are so many tag teams that want a shot at them. He says Vince McMahon isn’t bothered with Cena/Michaels so Coach has them running a gauntlet against three other teams and every match will be for the tag team titles. The third match, if they get to it, is a cage match.

BACKSTAGE or rather in the parking lot a limo arrives. There’s an ambulance back there too. In the limo is DONALD TRUMP. The announcers plug Carlito-Flair-Orton for the last MITB spot. Triple threat and elimination rules. More celebrities talk about Donald Trump’s hair.

MITB #3 Qualifier: RIC FLAIR v CARLITO v RANDY ORTON

Elimination rules. No Torrie Wilson because she has a match tonight. Lawler reminds us how many times Rated RKO fucked up Flair in the past. The faces go after Orton to start and Flair lays in some revenge chops. Orton backdrops him. Dropkick gets 2. Carlito rolls Orton up for 2. Flair cradles Orton for 2. Everyone trades strikes and the faces double up again. Carlito tries to challenge Flair to see who can chop Orton hardest and gives out some pretty good chops. Suplex on Orton gets 2. Flair gets his eyes raked but Carlito just takes over instead. Flair tells Carlito to back off and watch some chops. Flair clips the knee but Carlito wants in. Springboard back elbow. Carlito shouts at him to get up but Flair goes for the leg. Carlito argues so Flair shoves him off. Carlito takes exception and gives Flair the Lungblower. Orton throws Carlito over the top. RKO! Flair is pinned at 3.58.

Carlito comes back in with a dropkick (possibly springboard because it was off camera) and we hit the ad break. We return with Orton working on a Boston crab. During the break Orton used that DDT off the ropes again. I think I dealt with how I feel about that during Friday Night Fury. Orton breaks out the Garvin Stomp after Carlito gets the ropes. Orton measures a knee drop for 2. Lawler suggests that a ladder match would be more in Carlito’s favour as he’s more of a high flier. Orton hooks up the chinlock. Lawler now reminds us that the two previous MITB winners went on to take the WWE title. Carlito misses with a dropkick. Orton stalks him looking for another RKO. Carlito sees it coming and counters into a rana. He battles back with fired up punches. Million dollar knee lift. Spinning flapjack for 2. Carlito flips into an Enzuigiri for 2. Springboard senton gets 2. Orton crotches him on the ropes and stalks again. RKO! That’s another pin at 13.42.

Winner: Randy Orton via pinfall, twice. Orton qualifies for the MITB #3. JR questions the effectiveness of the move in a ladder match. Hmm. Edge, Orton, CM Punk, King Booker, Finlay, Mr Kennedy and both Hardyz are in there.

CLIPS – Vince McMahon interacting with Bobby Lashley.

Masterlock Challenge

Chris Masters has an open challenge on the Masterlock but no one shows up this week. He turns his attentions to the audience. He wants to see if Lilian Garcia can break the Masterlock. This brings out SUPER CRAZY. He dropkicks Masters legs out and he takes a faceplant into the chair. Masters counters a wheelbarrow into the Masterlock though and Crazy can’t break out of it. So it remains unbroken for another week.

BACKSTAGE another limo shows up. This one contains Vince McMahon. He spots Donald Trump’s driver and points out that his limo is bigger.

VIDEO TRIBUTE – Ernie Ladd. JR talks about him blazing trails and leading the way for African American wrestlers. We get clips of him cutting promos. JR adds that impressive though he was as a talent he was even better as a human being. RIP.

BACKSTAGE Rated RKO meet up. Orton says they’re no longer partners but opponents as they’re both in MITB #3. Edge says he’s won more ladder matches than all seven opponents in the MITB match put together. He’s had 12 ladder matches. He’s also undefeated at Wrestlemania. So he’s naturally confident. Orton says Edge is only undefeated at Mania because he’s never faced Orton. He adds that he’s younger and better looking as well.

VIDEO CLIP – A mystery voice talks about the battle of the billionaires match…IT’S THE ROCK! “Finally the Rock has come back to Monday Night Raw!” He says that Vince is going to get his head shaved at Wrestlemania because there’s no way Umaga can beat Lashley. He tells Vince that Umaga, in Samoan, means shrivelled up monkey penis. HAHAHA, the BEEP was late on penis. He points out you can’t “beat Donald Trump with a shrivelled up monkey penis”. Rock goes off on one of his patented promos and leaves in a huge pause during the “If you smell…” while the crowd chants “Rocky”.

ELSEWHERE Ashley does a Playboy signing. Loads of dorks call meeting her a “dream come true”.

Tag titles – JOHN CENA/SHAWN MICHAELS (c) v WORLDS GREATEST TAG TEAM

This would be match #1 in the gauntlet. WGTT shove the champs, which triggers a brawl. Cena takes over on Shelton and hits a fisherman suplex for 2. Haas cheap shots Cena but Cena no sells it and punks Haas out. Shelton kicks his legs away though and in comes Haas. Crowd seems lively with the youngsters chanting “let’s go Cena” already. Cena comes back with his version of the bulldog. Hot tag to Shawn. Flying forearm for Haas. Atomic drop, inverted. Shelton runs in and gets one too. Shawn spikes Haas with a DDT and sends Shelton outside. Cena tags himself in to heat. STFU for Haas and he taps at 2.52.

Winners: Cena/HBK via submission

Tag titles – JOHN CENA/SHAWN MICHAELS (c) v CADE & MURDOCH

Shawn gets isolated right from the get go. They do the big boot double team where HBK gets held in place for it. Shawn gets caught by Cade’s lariat for 2. Cade tries hanging on to Shawn but that only gets him caught with an Enzuigiri. Hot tag to Cena and the crowd boos. He cleans house on Murdoch. Protobomb. Trevor can’t see him. Cade can but all he sees is a punch. Five Knuckle Shuffle. Murdoch is back up and he gets the FU set up but Shawn superkicks him instead for Cena to pin at 6.13. Cena looks shocked.

Winners: Cena/HBK via pinfall

Tag titles – JOHN CENA/SHAWN MICHAELS (c) v MNM

MNM arrive during the break after the cage has come down. We return with Mercury working a chinlock on Cena. Shawn gets a tag but gets backdropped into the cage. Nitro in to put a beating on Shawn for 2. He chokes away and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Mercury has taken off his noseguard. Only 3 months with that on? Nitro goes up for the corkscrew but misses. Mercury in to prevent the hot tag. Shawn hits a desperation clothesline and gets the tag. Cena gets booed again. He cleans house with clotheslines. Mercury gets javelin’d into the cage. Nitro gets hip tossed into it. Mercury is bleeding. Shawn comes in to show Cena how he would throw Mercury into a cage. Cena has another go. Mercury is dizzy and gets set for the FU but Shawn Michaels is hanging around and Cena doesn’t trust him. Shawn calls for the superkick on Mercury and hits it but Cena grabs him before he hits the deck and the FU finishes at 15.02.

Winners: Cena/HBK via pinfall

POST MATCH the cage rises and the defeated teams return to assault the champs. They clear the ring out in short order though. Cena fakes a chair shot for HBK. “No, no, no” – Shawn. But Cena levels Charlie Haas instead and walks out. Both champs leave with everyone else left lying around the ring.

JEFF HARDY v EDGE

JR plugs Skittles with the usual enthusiasm. Edge isn’t dressed to compete, again. He says he’d like to beat him up and show him the pecking order BUT we’re in Washington home of the Redskins. “BOOO” – Washington. He says he won’t perform in a city that encourages a slur against native Americans. But he has a friend of Indian descent taking his place.

JEFF HARDY v GREAT KHALI

Hardy charges in and throws punches but they have no effect. Khali boots him in the face. Chokebomb. Edge is laughing. He stops when KANE comes out here with a hook on a chain. Edge bricks it and cheeses it through the crowd. Even Khali takes a walk when he sees that hook Kane has. That’d be the weapon from See No Evil. Kane uses the hook to destroy the announce table.

Winner: no contest

BACKSTAGE Donald Trump asks Vince’s makeup lady if he has fake hair or not.

HALL OF FAME 2007 – Rhodes, Hennig, Bockwinkel, Lawler and…MR FUJI. We get footage of his five tag title runs and his hugely successful managerial career. Bobby Heenan points out how much he looks like Oddjob.

BACKSTAGE Todd Grisham talks to MICK FOLEY. He plugs the Hardcore Diaries, available from bookstores everywhere…including right here in Washington DC! Foley once again takes a pop at Vince McMahon and suggests that Trump will shave him bald. Ashley Massaro shows up offering a trade of her Playboy for a copy of the Hardcore Diaries. He says he can’t look at the pictures because it’ll make him feel weird. Ashley shows him anyway and Ron Simmons shows up…DAMN!

TALE OF THE TAPE – Trump v McMahon. I love Vince’s style of walk; “arm flapping power walk”.

BACKSTAGE Vince tells his hair person, Jill, that he’s going to shave Trump bald. Coach crashes in there and Vince tells him his lack of hair upsets him. “Look at the light shining off that sucker”. Vince kicks him out and admires his hair in the mirror.

MELINA PEREZ v TORRIE WILSON

Title is not on the line. The idea here is that Torrie posed in Playboy so Melina wants to eliminate her to show Ashley she means business. JR says the Wrestlemania match Vs Ashley is officially signed now. Torrie dodges in the corner to get a roll up for 2. Melina hangs her up on the ropes. Melina pulls at the hair for a while. Torrie double legs into a missionary pin for 2. Big hair throw for Melina and Torrie hits a few clotheslines. Melina escapes a follow up with a roll up with the tights at 2.16.

Winner: Melina via pinfall .

POST MATCH Melina continues her beatdown but MICKIE JAMES makes the save. VICTORIA runs out to kick her ass. All the girls fight but it’s Mickie who ends up battling Melina. That is until she runs for it but Ashley is out here to beat her up some more. Big pop for Ashley when she came out here. Mickie and Torrie treat this like a Lumberjill match briefly until Melina scarpers.

BACKSTAGE Vince McMahon walks until EDGE shows up. He says that Lashley was out of line so Rated RKO are going to ECW to take care of him personally…by booking Orton v Lashley with Edge in Orton’s corner. BUT if Orton fails to make it to the ECW show he should be “thrown out of the MITB match”. Edge scheming there. Vince buys it.

NEXT WEEK – Wrestlemania Reversal Night. Shawn Michaels v JBL???? Cena v Benoit?? Colour me interested.

Main Event Contract Signing

Vince McMahon is out here first. He nearly falls off the apron causing a comedy recovery where he pitches a fit. He says we’ll be laughing at something else at Wrestlemania; Donald Trump’s hair. The crowd start with the “what” crap. “Don’t start with the what crap” – Vince. He calls the crowd a bunch of jerks. He says Trump is entering Vince McMahon’s world. He created Wrestlemania and he’s damned if he’ll be embarrassed at it. He brings out SHRIVELLED MONKEY PE…er…UMAGA w/Armando Estrada. He speculates that Donald Trump has turned tail and fled to avoid this contract signing. Out comes THE DONALD. He has Candice on one arm and Maria on the other. Crowd chant for “Donald”. Vince tells them to shut up. He tells Vince his grapefruits are no match for his Trump Towers. He brings out BOBBY LASHLEY. “Back off Sonny” – Vince @ Lashley. The “billionaires” sit down to sign the contract for Wrestlemania. Vince says this will be the last contract Trump signs while he still has hair. Umaga starts ranting at Lashley causing a moment of tension. Both guys sign. Vince once again reitterates that he’ll be shaving Trump’s head at Wrestlemania. Vince says 95% of the celebrities they polled wanted Vince to shave Trump’s head. Trump says the crowd want Vince’s head shaved. Vince says this crowd are idiots. Trump calls the crowd “a very smart group of people”. They continue until STONECOLD STEVE AUSTIN comes out here. He treats Trump and McMahon with similar disdain. He says they have a disagreement out here so he’s out here to settle it. He asks the crowd if they think Vince will win. Some people shout “hell yeah”. He switches it and asks if Trump will win and gets a bigger “hell yeah”. He decides to formally introduce himself to Donald Trump by telling him this is his ring. He tells Trump he has a hell of a tie. He points out he doesn’t work for Trump and never will so he can’t fire him. He warns Trump not to piss him off or he’ll whoop his ass. Austin says he’ll open up an “eight billion dollar” can of whoopass if anyone upsets him at Wrestlemania. He spots Vince smirking at Austin’s assault on Trump so Austin comes around to wipe the smile off his face. Austin suggest Vince may have a problem with bald people. Lashley is staring at Vince in a great visual pickup by the camera. Austin reminds us how Vince made his life hell so he’ll make sure that whoever loses gets all their hair shaved off at Wrestlemania. Austin leaves. Vince adds in that he’ll win. Then he leaves too. Trump still has a live mic though. He’s mocked up a picture of Vince with his head shaved bald. Trump invites him back into the ring for a fight. Trump tells Lashley to take the night off and invites Vince back in. Vince gets back in there but Trump shoves him clean over the contract signing table.

That’s it for Raw. Next week is Reversal Night. Sounds like a blast. I’ll see you in seven.