RB Report: CZW Tournament of Death: Fast Forward

CZW Tournament of Death: Fast Forward
September 15th, 2007
A field, Smyrna, Delaware

*Ryan McBride vs. WHACKS vs. Greg Excellent
WHACKS bring lightubes out with him. Excellent apparently hails from Wherever The Food Is Aplenty. Fantastic. WHACKS and Excellent molest McBride and throw him across the ring with a double biel. WHACKS and Excellent reverse whips. Excellent gets taken out with headbutts and McBride takes down WHACKS with a missile dropkick. Tower of doom spot in the corner. Senton by WHACKS to Greg. He brings the tubes in only to get them smashed over his own head. Rope-assisted Tiger Driver get Excellent the victory over WHACKS(3:44).

Rating: DUD. I’m very thankful it didn’t go any longer.

*CJ O’Doyle vs. Jon Dahmer
The match the world has been waiting for! O’Doyle is fucking awful. I admit, however, to being a closet Dahmer fan. He usually puts on entertaining matches. He and DJ Hyde had a match with Chris Hero and Claudio Castagnoli at a show in early 2005 that was all kinds of greatness. Apparently there’s some kind of feud going into this, but it’s been so long since I regularly watched CZW, that I have no clue how the feud came about. CJ attacks before the bell, but Dahmer quickly takes him to the outside. The referee actually starts counting them out. In CZW. Idiot. Dahmer gets thrown into the guardrail and CJ puts chairs in the ring. This has to be the most heat-less brawling ever. Back in, SPINEBUSTER from Dahmer. CJ hits some shoulders in the corner, but gets whipped into a chair that’s in the corner. John Zandig breaks kayfabe on commentary, saying he hates guys who block chairshots. Doyle takes a back drop driver onto a chair and it only gets two. What? Dahmer weakly pounds away, but Doyle has FIGHTING SPIRIT~! He hits a chinbreaker and lays Dahmer out. Suplex on a chair. PIN HIM, YOU FOOL! He instead opts to set up a pair of chairs before weakly hitting Dahmer. He hits another chinbreaker and botches a powerbomb. He goes for it again and powerbombs Dahmer through the chairs. Two-count. Dahmer goes out and grabs a hammer. He hits O’Doyle with it and O’Doyle hardly even sells it. Christ, this is bad. Dahmer brings a table in. They go up and Dahmer powerbombs him on his head through the table(8:20).

Rating: DUD. Way to much nothingness between spots, just lots of setting things up.

**FIRST ROUND**

*Brain Damage (w/Maven Bentley) vs. Hellaware Assassin
For those not in the know, Brain Damage is a FUCKING BEAST! The man’s a monster. Hellaware, on the other hand, is a complete joke. A fat joke. There’s nothing worse than fat deatchmatch guys who do nothing but bleed like a pig. They trash-talk to each other until Damage just headbutts him. YEAH! Boots and HARD fists by Brain Damage. He hits him with a paddle with thumbtacks glued onto it. To the outside! Lightubes get used. Whodda thunk it? Damage cuts him up with a tube and Hellaware does nothing to stop it except scream lots. Damage slaps the sit outta him and goes back to the headbutts, busting Hellaware open. Chair over his head. This is a beat-down of the highest order. Hellaware comes back with punches and smashes a load of tubes over Damage’s back to THUNDEROUS~! “CZWDUB” chants. Vampires. Hellaware whips out the THUMBTACK SANDLE OF DEATH~! He scrapes it across Damage’s head. Back in, Damage takes Hellaware down with a single punch. They trade chops until Damage just LEVELS him with a SICK FUCKING punch! He gets the crowd to shush and hits him EVEN HARDER! FUCK! He puts Hellaware’s head over a chair and drops both his knees over it. Hellaware gets slammed to the outside through a bench with lightubes, barbed wire and a stop sign on it. Damage goes out, covers, and it’s all over(6:29).

Rating: *. This was a fun match. Damage’s punches were sick.

*Maven Bentley tells Brain Damage that he’s the best and no one in the tournament can beat him.

*Hellaware Assasin sucks up to John Zandig.

*Scotty Vortekz vs. Danny Demanto
The graphic says that Vortekz is the Junior Heavyweight champion, which is weird because he lost the belt to Danny Havoc at the last show. Demanto isn’t a deathmatch wrestler. He asks the fans whether they’d rather see wrestling or blood. I’ll leave it to you, the reader, to guess what it is they want. Armdrag from Demanto and he poses on the top rope. He comes back down to a thumbtack bat shot. He takes a shot to the back. Some back-and-forth stuff. Demanto gets crotched on the top rope and gets put in a tree of woe. Vortekz puts a chair in his face and dropkicks it. Demanto’s busted. Vortekz fakes a tube shot and just slaps him. TREMENDOUS! Demanto hits him with a tube. Crucifix pin gets two for Vortekz. Demanto picks him up while still in the pin and hits a Samoan Drop through some tubes. Demanto takes a barbed wire bat shot to the back and bails. Vortekz goes for a ‘rana and Demanto catches him and swings him into the guardrail and then powerbombs him onto the apron. You know you suck when you’re copying spots from a friggin’ Adam Flash vs. Heretic match. Demanto sits Vortekz in a chair and misses a senton out to him. They recover very quickly. He bridges the guardrail and apron with a ladder. Why does Demanto feel the need to ask the crowd if they want to see it before every single damn spot? They go to the top rope and Vortekz hits Demanto with a sunset flip powerbomb through the ladder to the outside. In the ring, Vortekz puts lightubes inside Demanto’s singlet and hits a double knee drop from the top rope onto them. Demanto counters a hurricanrana and throws him off. He sandwiches Vortekz between two sheets of tubes and goes to the top rope. Vortekz gets up and hits a solo Spanish Fly through the tubes(13:39).

Rating: 1/2*. Way too long and plodding. Demanto took some disgusting bumps, but that does not equate to a good match.

*Danny Demanto says he’ll do anything to get over with the CZW fans.

*”Diehard” Dustin Lee vs. CZW Junior Heavyweight Champion Danny Havoc
Diehard gets in the face of a fan before the match and refuses to slap hands with the fans. His match at the last show with Cloudy was the highlight of a horrendous show. Diehard attacks from behind, but Havoc hits a ‘rana. Headlock by Diehard, just to piss the fans off. They do some wrestling school 101 stuff. Diehard goes low, but Havoc shrugs it off immediately. Punches by Diehard and Havoc ‘ranas him into tubes. Diehard immediately gets out the ring. He looks to be in real pain. Havoc follows with a tope con hilo. OH, FUCK! Diehard looks like he’s been shot! There is a HOLE the size of a FIST on the man’s back. Havoc rolls him in and covers. The ref and Havoc haven’t noticed the wound yet, so seem confused when he stays down for three(1:33). When he’s roling out the ring, Havoc sees it and he’s all like, :O. Diehard quickly gets taken to the back as the fans chant “holy shit”.

Rating: Yeah, well, stuff happens.

*And whodda guessed, there’s backstage footage of the hole in Diehard’s back and him running around like a headless chicken. I feel sick. The skin is just hanging off it. This hole is like an inch deep and about two and a half inches wide. Whatever sells DVDs.

*JC Bailey vs. “The Psycho Shooter” Drake Younger
This is Bailey’s return to CZW after a stint in jail. Cliche tube battle. They both miss. They trade pin attempts. Bailey goes for an O’Connor roll, but Drake smashes tubes over his back. He headbutts a tube into his face. Back suplex gets two. They battle over the advantage and JC hits an ace crusher onto tubes. He puts tubes on Younger’s back and goes up top… DOUBAH STUMPAH! He goes up again, but gets crotched and tube over his head. He tapes tubes to Bailey’s back. This shit is so contrived. Oklahoma slam. He puts more lightubes on Bailey’s belly and hits a frog splash. He goes for the Drake’s Landing, but Bailey blocks and takes him down with a big roaring forearm. He goes on the top rope and misses the Barnstown Bam. He sets up a pane of glass in the corner. HALF-NELSON SUPLEX THROUGH THE GLASS! DJ Hyde runs out. You gotta be kiddin’ me. He lays Younger out with a Shadow Driver and puts Bailey on top for the win(10:19). Bailey is angry with Hyde and Vortekz comes out. Vortekz and Hyde take out them both.

Rating: **. Good match, but does EVERY CZW match have to end with a fucking DJ Hyde run-in?

**NON-TOURNAMENT**

*Niles Young (w/ Noel Harlow) vs. Sabian (w/ Chrissy Rivera and Ruckus) vs. CZW Tag Team Champion Drew Gulak
I am utterly DREADING this match. But I feel like that about every Niles Young match. Seriously, CZW, get this man off my screen. Noel and Chrissy exchange some words until Noel kisses her. What…the…fuck? They get out and the camera zooms in on Noel’s ass. There’s lots of stalling here. Sabian and Gulak double team Niles. He gets dumped and Sabian and Gulak go at it. They have a little exchange and Sabian bails. Niesl gets in and he goes at it with Gulak. Gulak goes for the CHIKARA SPECIAL~! Sabian breaks it up. Not much happens for a long while. Sabian with a nipple twister on Niles. Gulak takes one too. Sabian tries to work some comedy into the match. Leglock on Niles by Gulak. Niles has obviously been watching his Chuck Taylor tapes as he botches a Sole Food. Backpack stunner by Sabian on Gulak. Niles hits a reverse lungblower on Sabian. Chrissy and Noel gets in and NOEL GETS KICKED IN THE VAG! BIG BOOT TO THE HEAD OF NOEL! Please, just kill me now. Sabian and Gulak trade pin attempts. German suplex by Gulak. Gulak drops Sabian RIGHT ON HIS FACE with a back drop driver. I’m surprised he didn’t break his neck. I genuinely shouted “OH!” when it happened. He locks in the Nazi Stretch, but Niles breaks it. He rolls Gulak up and grabs the tights. Ref counts to three and it’s all over(10:05).

Rating: DUD. Is a cheap win really all that necessary in this match? I was damn near bored to tears during this. Lots of sloppiness and cliched three-way spots. These guys attempted nothing new.

*CZW Iron Man Championship
“The Fat Worthless Prick” DJ Hyde (w/ Maven Bentley) (c) vs. Steve “Monsta” Mack
Mack brings a barbed wire table out with him. They brawl on the outside. Hyde gets thrown into the crowd. Hyde weakly throws a chair at him and the fans are NOT AMUSED! Hyde gets thrown into a fence. Lots more mindless brawling that’s no doubt making the fans happy. Hyde spears Mack into the guardrail. “Shut up, whore!” DJ sure has a way with the ladies. Mack tries to powerbomb Hyde through the barbed wire table, but Bentley pounds at his back. It has no effect and he chases Bentley, only for Hyde to catch him with a clothesline. They get back in the ring and Mack nails a lariat. There’s a siren ringing somewhere. Mack can’t get him up for a powerbomb and gets taken down by a lariat. Hyde unloads on some shots and Mack ducks a lariat. Michinoku Driver II gets two. Barbed wire table is put in the centre of the ring. Mack goes on the top turnbuckle, but gets crotched. Hyde hits a superplex through the table. Lariat. Finish(12:19).

Rating: 1/2*. Surprisingly, this wasn’t the worst match of the show.

*CZW World Championship
Ruckus (w/Chrissy Rivera and Sabian) (c) vs. “The Notorious 187” Homicide
Homicide attacks before the bell. Ruckus controls with ACROBATICS~! He misses a flippy kick when Homicide calmly steps to the side. He throws Ruckus to the outside and hits his hilo between the middle and top rope. Homicide beats him with a chair. Back in, Homicide puts a chair in Ruckus’s face and kicks it. Two-count. Ace crusher and Homicide exchanges words with Chrissy Rivera. Rolling suplexes by Homicide. Rolling Germans. Homicide struts. FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK! Ruckus gets put in a tree of woe and Homicide stands on his groin. Ruckus comes back with a slam and a standing SSP. RAZZLE DAZZLE! Moonsault press gets two. He goes to the top turnbuckle and a diving headbutt connects. Ruckus charges, but Homicide takes him down and locks him in a Crippler Crossface. What’s with all the Chris Benoit stuff in this match? Ruckus misses a moonsault and Homicide turns him inside-out with a lariat. Ruckus rolls out of the Cop Killa and a victory roll out of nowhere secures him the win(7:52).

Rating: **. Ruckus was made to look like a total jobber here, getting beaten the entire match then pulling a fluky victory out of nowhere. The action itself was solid, though. Nothing was botched, which is a rarity in a Ruckus match.

**TOURNAMENT OF DEATH FINAL**

*Ultraviolent Underground Championship
Scotty Vortekz vs. Danny Havoc vs. Brain Damage vs. JC Bailey
This is an elimination match for the vacant. You’d think that Havoc would be a favourite to win this considering he done nothing later. But, then again, whenever you’re in the ring against MOTHER FUCKIN’ BRAIN DAMAGE, you’re at a disdvantage. Brain Damage should win every match. Even if he’s not in it. He’s also the only guy in this match who doesn’t weigh like 130lbs. Some slut bares her chest to JC. He gets her to get to the front row and expose them again for everyone. My girlfriend would not be happy if she knew I was watching this. Big brawl to start. Damage rubs a barbed wire bat in Havoc’s face and goes on to slam him onto it. Bailey takes a TKO onto a bunch of lightubes from Vortekz. Danny Havoc gets powerbombed ONTO a table on the outside. Damage them powerbombs him through it. Bailey gets whipped into tubes. Havoc tries to go after Vortekz, but Damage refuses to let him get away. He drops his knees over his head onto a chair. Damage beats down Bailey. Havoc puts some tubes against Vortekz back and hits a backbreaker. That was nice. Bailey manages to take Damage down and smashes a few tubes against his back. Havoc gets tubes kicked into his face. Brain Damage actually busts out a DROPKICK, sending Bailey through some tubes in the corner. Havoc and Vortekz go to the outside and Vortekz hits a SOLO SPANISH FLY TO THE OUTSIDE THROUGH A BARBED WIRE TABLE! Bailey puts Brain Damage on a barbed wire table at the entrance-way. He climbs a ladder behind the entrance and hits a double stomp on Damage through the table. That looked like crap. Havoc is back up on his feet and looking fine like a minute after taking the Spanish Fly. He throws tubes across Vortekz’s stomach. Damage makes his way back to the ring. Bailey hits a ton of headbutts on him. He and Havoc double superplex Damage through a chair with a ton of lightubes on it. Nobody chooses to cover him. Bailey grabs a fish taped to a trash can and hits Damage with it. They set up four chairs in the centre of the ring. They all take a sea t. They all dish out unprotected punches to each other. Of course, Damage’s are the sickest, almost knocking Bailey and Havoc out. He just kills JC with another punch after they’ve finished the spot. He powerbombs JC through some tubes and picks him up and powerbombs him through another load. He pins him and Bailey is out(15:13).

I wonder if there’s anyone that doubts that Vortekz is the next out. And, yep, Havoc DVDs him through some tubes, eliminating him seconds later(15:44).

Tornado DDT on the outside by Havoc. Havoc fails to smash some tubes on the outside. He rolls Brain Damage in and misses a corkscrew moonsault. Damage busts out the punches. Havoc takes like fuve of them until he gets grounded and Damage just pounds the shit out of him. He covers and Brain Damage is the TOD champion(18:51).

After the match, some skinny little retard kid gets in Brain Damage’s face. Does this little ‘tard think he’s hard? Security should’ve let Damage pound his face into mush. There are lots of replays after the match, including that girl shaking her ta-tas in slow-motion. Classy. Bailey and Havoc have a beer backstage. Drake Younger says they’re his crew. He has some tough words for Maven Bentley, Diehard, Brain Damage and Scotty Vortekz. OH, they have that girl backstage and she’s getting her tits out again. Fuck sake.

Rating: **. Fun deathmatch, lots of sick bumps and always fast-paced.

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The 411: This was hard to watch. The deathmatches themselves were nothing special and the non-tournament matches were absolutely dreadful.
Final Score:  2.5   [ Very Bad ]