The SmarK RAW Rant – October 28 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – October 28 2002

– I would of course be remiss in not plugging my latest DVD review, for Oz Season One, over on the 411 Movies section. Tentative next review: The Scorpion King, but that might change depending on what I pick up this week. Likely buys are the special edition of the Santa Clause, and of course the big one on Friday which I need not even mention by name.

– Onto other matters, I used the power of EB Games to trade in Legends of Wrestling and Wrestlemania X-8 for Resident Evil and Eternal Darkness. And while Resident is basically the same ol’ same ol’ (I like Code Veronica for DC much better, as Resident Evil spinoffs go), Eternal Darkness is just about the creepiest goddamn game I’ve played in months, while at the same time being nicely challenging without being either too easy or too hard. The sanity meter is incredible, playing all sorts of mind-games with you while you’re trying to navigate a level (I won’t ruin the surprises here for anyone who hasn’t played yet), and the controls are like someone played Resident Evil and then thought “Hey, how can we improve on this game in just about every way possible?” Highly recommended if you have a GameCube – pick up Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem here. Also highly recommended is my other video game junkie fix (which most longtime readers know about by now) – TONY MOTHERFUCKING HAWK, baby. #4 hit the shelves last week, and after scouring the videogame outlets in town, I picked up a copy on release day and haven’t regretted it one bit. Some of you may remember my glowing praise of Aggressive Inline, which quickly became my favorite extreme-sports title on the GC due to the lack of 2-minute timed runs and cool features not found in the Hawk lineup. Well, guess what – apparently the Activision O2 crew liked that game as much as I did, because Tony Hawk 4 is now chock full of a heapin-helpin of the same cool ideas that made AI such a winner in my books. And apparently the one-upmanship will continue with the sequel to the Dave Mirra BMX game from Acclaim. Winner: Me. I haven’t played Mat Hoffman 2 yet, and the mixed reviews don’t exactly fill me with excitement for it, but fans of the Hawk should definitely give the fourth part of the series a go – missions are now based on talking to other skaters, you can unlock the worlds pretty much in any order, difficulty has been ramped WAY up on the later levels, and you can switch freely between skaters as you work through career mode, giving you different variations on the goals as a result. Cool, cool, stuff, and once I finish blowing away zombies in Eternal Darkness, I’ll be getting right back into the Hawk groove again. Pick up Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4, TODAY.

– Final bit of silliness before we start with the televised silliness, as I was thinking recently that we haven’t had a big budget Lone Ranger remake in FOREVER, and it seems like a natural vehicle for some of the younger stars out there right now, ala Young Guns. So who should play the Ranger? I was personally thinking Colin Farrell, but maybe he’s too Irish for the role, I dunno. I also figure Benjamin Bratt as Tonto, since if you’re gonna toss realism out the window, go all the way with it. But who’s the villain gonna be? And the leading lady? Just something to think about.

– Live from Hockeytown, USA.

– Your hosts are JR & Jerry “Gone With the Wind” Lawler.

– HHH and a coffin open the show. Oh, yeah, that’s just what I wanted to see – more of the necrophilia storyline. HHH mocks the fans who were offended by last week (great strategy for winning fans, guys) and interviews the telltale mannequin. This is what happens when people complain about the WWE’s programming – Vince gets defensive and shoves more of this shit down our throats, because HE’S the billionaire and we’re not. HHH gives us the double-whammy of bad ventriloquism AND dick jokes, once again taking the moral high ground by telling everyone who was offended to kiss his ass. Speaking of ventriloquism, you can bet that Vince had his hand up HHH’s ass for that interview. Hurricane interrupts, getting absolutely no reaction, and shows us footage from the “hospital”, as a guy in a HHH mask has various objects removed from his ass, complete with bad sound effects and unfunny sight gags. This just goes on for insanely long amounts of time, with none of the “jokes” actually having anything to do with humor (a squirrel? A steering wheel? This is funny?), until HHH finally snaps and attacks the mannequin. What a heel. Kane makes the save, but officials pull them apart (is this supposed to put face heat on the MANNEQUIN?) The worst thing is that the mannequin was close to carrying HHH to a ***1/2 match and they cut it off! I guess she was working too stiff for him. Eric Bischoff declares that it’s THE END. Thank god. He makes a match tonight, casket style. Well, that’s just what we needed more of. Not. One note: During the horribly unfunny video, the HHH stand-in was wearing a cut-out paper mask, and as each gag changed, the expression on the mask changed with it. That was cute. The rest was ugly. REAL ugly.

– Meanwhile, we get the return of GTV, as Trish gets undressed. I see we’re hitting new cultural highs in the name of desperation.

– William Regal & Lance Storm v. Tommy Dreamer & Rob Van Dam. Welcome to midcard hell, Rob. Boy, that HHH, he sure made a star out of RVD, didn’t he? Storm eats a spinkick from Van Dam for two, and Rob gets a crossbody on Regal for two, but gets hit with a half-nelson suplex to turn the tide. Storm gets an elbow for two. Rob comes back with a flying kick, and makes the hot tag to Dreamer. He’s apparently setting a trend for us unhip white dudes by wrestling with a backwards baseball cap on. It’s the proverbial Chinese fire drill, and Rob misses a dive and hits the railing. Storm hits Dreamer with the flag, and Regal gets the pin at 3:12. Can you say style clash? Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Bischoff has a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT later tonight (assuming he can say “Survivor Series” without cracking up), and chews out the Three-Minute Warning. He notes that if Big Show wins the title at the PPV, then he’ll look incredibly stupid. Well, two points there: 1) He’s got nothing to worry about if Show winning ANYTHING is the problem, and 2) It’s pretty much too late for anyone on this show to start worrying about looking stupid anyway. Anyway, if Rosie & Jamal don’t “make an impact”, it’s over for them. Gee, it’s not like all us smart marks who don’t know anything about wrestling haven’t been saying that for WEEKS now, is it?

– Meanwhile, Stacy & Test try to think up a catchy name for Test’s fans: Testicles. Well, it’s suitable, since there’s only two of them.

– World tag titles: Christian & Chris Jericho v. The Dudley Boyz. Rosie & Jamal decide to make their impact by beating down the Dudleyz during Jericho’s introduction. Good, that’s what I was wanting, LESS WRESTLING.

– Goldust v. Test. Goldust (amused by Test’s new fanbase) attacks to start, but gets crotched and Test pounds away. JR makes the first mention of Scott Steiner, which I guess is gonna build up the free agent thing. Goldust comes back with a bulldog for two. Goldust goes for the Shattered Nuts, but Stacy runs in and stops him. He puts her in the corner and she spreads for him (the jokes ABOUT the show just write themselves this week, unlike the show itself), but she goes low on him and Test gets the pin at 2:29. Breathtakingly bad and stupid. DUD

– Meanwhile, Bischoff tries to placate Bubba by offering him another partner against the Long-Haired Canadians. Anyone he wants.

– BUT WAIT! It’s an RNN news break, as Randy Orton breaks in to let us know that he’s OKAY, and he’s working hard to come back and perform for us.

– Meanwhile, Coach lets us know that the casket match is non-title.

– World tag titles: Christian & Chris Jericho v. Bubba Dudley & Jeff Hardy. The mix-and-match midcard continues, as four guys they have nothing better to do with fight for titles that mean nothing as a result. And given a choice of anyone in the promotion, Bubba picks JEFF HARDY? BFD. Jeff gets his legdrop on Christian to start, and Bubba pounds away in the corner. Flip Flop and Fly, but Jericho trips him up and the heels work him over in the corner. Double backdrop gets two for Christian. Bubba flapjacks Christian to come back, hot tag Jeff. Christian goes for the Unprettier, but it’s reversed for two. Ref is bumped and the Canadians go for the Conchairto, but Bubba ducks and the faces clean house. Jeff gets a pescado on both champs, and the 3-Minute Warning charge the ring and attack Bubba, which leads to him diving off the top onto them. Back in, we take a commercial break. We’re back as Jericho dropkicks Jeff on the mat and Christian gets a backbreaker for two. Christian hits the facelock, and they do the old false tag bit and the heels take appropriate liberties as a result. Jeff fights back, but gets hit with the Flashback for two. Remember when Jericho was on Smackdown and Michael Cole actually called that move? JR is so three years ago. Jericho makes with the chops as the commentary gets increasingly inane and off the subject. Hot tag Bubba, and he hits Jericho with a samoan drop, but can’t get the Bubba Bomb. He opts for a sideslam instead, and that gets two. Hardy comes back in for the Whazzup Drop, and Jeff is drafted into table-duty. Christian baseball slides it back in Bubba’s face, but the heels collide and Jeff gets two on Jericho. Jeff’s corkscrew gets two. Christian wants to use the belt, but gets speared by Bubba. However, the Evil Fat Samoans torture Spike on the rampway, which leaves Jeff alone and DOA following the BELTSHOT OF DEATH at 15:41. They should push that tag title belt as HHH’s next opponent – it never sells for anyone. Match was a pretty good formula affair, but got to be a bit of a mess during the periods when it was breaking loose in Tulsa. ***

– Meanwhile, it’s the peeping tom cam again (“F-View?” Does everything have to be a pseudo-clever play on dirty words this week?) as HHH complains that his invisible cellphone buddy isn’t here yet.

– Meanwhile, Al Snow complains to Chris Nowinski that he’s being a jerk. Chris guarantees that he can beat ANYONE in the WWE tonight. That’s never a good boast to make.

– Uncle Eric comes out to boast about the talent he received in trade for Big Show (no one actually mentioned of course). He reveals that he’s behind the hidden cameras (was he behind GTV as well?) and hypes the Elimination Chamber. And he’ll tell us all about it…next week. It’s part Survivor Series, part Royal Rumble and part WarGames, it’s for the title, and it’s HHH, Chris Jericho, Booker T, RVD, Kane and Shawn Michaels. Well, that pretty much covers it, actually. Depending on how they handle it, the match is probably veer to the extremes of either being terrific or horrible, with no middle ground. If they do it like the 98 version of the WarGames (which is what it sounds like), it’ll be a disaster, but at least it’ll have two upsides over that match: 1) Ultimate Warrior is not likely to be involved, and 2) DDP is retired and thus probably won’t win. Booker T interrupts and tries to work in his “Damn skippy, hippie” catchphrase again. Man, that thing is like a poor skunk lying dead in the road waiting for someone to put it out of its misery. Much like the RAW brand. Booker calls out Nowinski for our big challenge match.

– Booker T v. Chris Nowinski. Booker attacks to start, so Chris bails and takes out his problems on Snow. Back in, Booker hits him with clotheslines for two. Nowinski charges and hits elbow, but comes back with a hotshot and Main Event Spinebuster for two. Powerslam gets two. Chris hits the chinlock, but Booker gives him a receipt on that spinebuster and gets a spinkick and forearm to come back. Sidekick gets two. Man, anyone else notice that 50% of the arena is blacked out? That’s a REAL bad sign. They’d better start doing smaller arenas again for these TV tapings because it’s turning into Nitro out there. Nowinski bails again, drawing Snow into the ring, and it’s a DQ win for Nowinski at 3:05. Wow, how clever. Ѕ*

– Women’s title: Trish Stratus v. Molly v. Jackie. The faces attack Molly to start, but Jackie cradles Trish for two. Legsweep gets two. He gets a half-crab, which Molly turns into a full crab, but the challengers can’t get along. Molly gets her handspring, but Trish can’t get the handstand rana and instead falls victim to a tornado DDT for two. Jackie cradles Molly for two. Backslide gets two. Molly gets a backbreaker on Jackie, but Trish bulldogs her for the pin at 2:33. They were pretty much sent out there to die. Ѕ*

– Casket match: HHH v. Kane. Bet you whoever HHH was calling on the cellphone is hiding in the casket. Kane gets a clothesline or three to start and hammers away in the corner. Powerslam and Kane calls for the casket, but HHH stops it and fights back. Back in, Kane powerslams him again and tosses him, so HHH hits him with the ringbell. They do the usual weak brawling as the crowd dies, and back in HHH hammers away. They slug it out and HHH gets the Main Event Spinebuster, which Kane no-sells. Facecrusher and DDT put him down again, but Kane prevents a trip to the casket. Kane goes up but gets crotched, and superplexed. JR notes that this is the first casket match since 1998, but that’s not really true – Russo booked a bunch of them in 1999, including Rock N Sock v. Undertaker & Big Show, and Mick Foley v. Viscera & Mideon. Kane prevents the casket from closing again, so HHH tries KICK WHAM PEDIGREE instead. Kane reverses, so HHH goes to the Main Event Sleeper to really get the crowd revved up. Kane makes the comeback and wins a slugfest. To the top for the flying lariat, but HHH hits him with a chair, and indeed Shawn Michaels appears out of the casket and attacks HHH. Sweet Chin Music wakes up the crowd as Kane revives, chokeslams HHH, and closes the lid at 11:14. Major yawner. **

The Bottom Line:

The usual brutal show with a good match thrown in the middle to keep me from completely losing my mind. The Elimination Chamber sounds interesting, at least, which is more than can be said for the mess that is RAW these past couple of months. This show is in desperate need of help from SOMETHING, and I think it’s time Vince called Austin and made nice-nice with him once and for all.

Until next week, Hi Ho Silver, away…