411’s NWA TNA Report 03.12.03

– Hey everyone. I’d like to correct myself on something I did last week. I got a lot of e-mails telling me I overlooked Raven’s hard work and sick blade job against The Sandman last week on TNA. I still didn’t like the match that much but Raven most certainly busted his ass to make it a classic. I still think it wasn’t but I didn’t give Raven his due for his end of the deal. Raven is still one of the best all-around wrestlers around and I couldn’t be happier that he’s working with TNA.

– Oh yeah, some NEWZ site called Impact Wrestling has been copying my reports verbatim and acting like I work there. I don’t though. I don’t really care because it’s one of those interchangable shitty websites that has crap like “Babe of the Day” so they can cater to the seven fat kids who read them. So no sweat off my back.

– Also for the new folks, just a quick refresher on the ratings system here for the 411Mania TNA Recap.

A – Classic wrestling match. This would make Curt Hennig proud.
B – Really well executed match.
C – Match was alright and stuff but not anything mind blowing.
D – Match was just not very good. But hey, it wasn’t a total waste.
F – THE BUSHWACKERS EXPLODE! They settle the score in a two out of three falls Coal Miner’s Glove match.

– Live from the TNA Asylum.

– Mike Tenay and Don West is your commentary team.

– Jeff Jarrett kicks thing off with a baseball bat and he wants some S.E.X. tonight.

– Konnan makes his way down to ringside. He introduces his latest team… Damien and Halloween. Here’s hoping we get La Parka at some point soon.

– Damien & Halloween vs Jerry Lynn & David Young
Apparently this was supposed to be Paul London but he’s out sick, we get David Young instead. Why not Jason Cross? Oh well. Young starts with Damien. Konnan gets some funny jabs at David Young (“he should try out for Tough Enough 4”). The match starts to rock once Jerry Lynn gets in there. David Young appears to hurt his knee and is taken to the back. Hope he’s okay (even though I don’t like him). La Familia double team Lynn but Lynn pulls out a cradle for the cheap and quick pin. Konnan beats on Lynn after the match.
Winners: Jerry Lynn & David Young (4:24)
Grade: C (too short)

– In the back, Jeff Jarrett and Erik Watts go at it with baseball bats and it spills to the ring.

– TNA introduces the latest member of their roster… D’LO BROWN!! Thank God, D’Lo has arrived in TNA. D’Lo is one of the best workers in all of North America and he’s going to nothing but good for TNA. HELL YEAH! D’Lo grabs the mic and the crowd chants for him. D’Lo says he doesn’t give a damn about the WWE or anyone who works there. D’Lo says he’s tired of banging his head on the glass ceiling. Damn straight. Sonny Siaki makes his way to the ring. Siaki is down with the Brown and wants him to join S.E.X. The crowd is not liking that idea. D’Lo respectfully turns Siaki down. Siaki is about to play the card but D’Lo doesn’t do that crap and he hits the Sky High (or are we still calling it the Fade to Black?) on Siaki for opening his mouth. Damn, I marked out hard for that entire segment.

– X Title Match: Kid Kash (w/ Trinity) vs Johnny Storm vs The Amazing Red
Why do people still give themself the last name Storm? I think Lance Storm, Devon Storm, James Storm, and the Quiet Storm have it all covered. Oh well, I digress. This match should be pretty good. Red and Kash give each other some stinkeye as the match starts. Challengers go on the offensive on the champ to start it out. Then everyone hits a bunch of flippity floppity offense that doesn’t hit and we get a weird looking three-way stand off. Red hits a top rope rana on Storm and Storm is caught by Kash and gets KILLED WITH A POWERBOMB for two. Kash picks up Storm and hits a fisherman shoulderbreaker for another two. Red and Kash batter each other and this match is such a crazy spotfest that I can’t really keep up. Red goes to the top and Kash goes for a GERMAN SUPERPLEX but Storm hits a German of his own on Kash as he’s hitting is so we get a DOUBLE GERMAN SUPLEX! Amazing spots in this match. Storm hits a Seesaw DDT on Kash but Red hits a clothesline on Storm before he can attempt a pin. Action spills to the outside and we get some LUCHA from everyone including Trinity who kicks Red in the head during a moonsault. Storm and Kash go back in and the Moneymaker ends it in a great spotfest, the kind of thing I expected the X division to be. A frustrated Red shoves around Trinity after the match but gets his ass handed to him.
Winner and Still X Champion: Kid Kash (9:41)
Grade: B+

– The Harris Twins vs The Sandman & Steve Corino
I think they should pull a Kane/RVD and call them the Unlikely Duo of The Sandman & Steve Corino even though these guys have teamed up a few times before. Corino starts it off by warding off the Twins with some OLD SCHOOL OFFENSE. But the Harris Twins immediately hit the H-Bomb on Corino while The Sandman was drinking beer with the crowd. What the fuck was the point of making Corino look like such a bitch, in less than 30 seconds no less? That match was weaker than the original content on Impact Wrestling. Lots of brawling and bleeding between the two teams afterwards, once again leaving to wonder why didn’t AT LEAST do this and have a no contest instead of blowing all of Corino’s credibility to get the USELESS Harris Twins over.
Winners: The Harris Twins (0:26)
Grade: F

– Mike Sanders tells everyone he has no B game and that’s he all A Game. I suppose he’s not going to call his finisher the 3.0 anymore then. The Gift warns him to beat his opponent tonight or else not to bother coming back to the S.E.X. lockerroom. The Gift then warns Holly Wood to show off her T&A during Sanders’ match or she’s not doing her job.

– Dusty Rhodes makes his way to the ring. Dusty calls out the Sons of Legends. S.O.L. make their way down to the ring without Erik Watts. Dusty says that both Ric and David Flairs assholes. Dusty tells Brian Lawler that he can be the King… of Dusty’s nuts. Yuck. Dusty hits some bionic elbows but the two-on-one is too much. D’Lo makes the save but Erik Watts makes it a handicap again. Jeff Jarrett runs in to even it out and S.O.L. gets cleared out of the ring.

– Video package on the situation with the vacant NWA Tag Team Titles. It’s XXX vs AMW tonight to crown new tag champs.

– Low Ki cuts a JAMES EARL JONES sounding promo on AMW. Man, that dude has one deep voice.

– “A Game” Mike Sanders vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Oh yeah, this was touted as a mystery opponent and look at who we get. Well, Duggan still draws pops from the crowd but this wasn’t as big as the ones he got from WCW fans. We kick off this match which may or may not have headlined WCWSN back in the day. Duggan tries to take control but Sanders is all like “Duggan you buggin” and he gets choked out on the ropes. USA chant starts up because we all know patriotism revives Duggan. Duggan rallies back and hits the three point stance to end a surprisingly decent match.
Winner: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan (5:55)
Grade: C+

– A.J. Styles cuts a promo on Raven in preparation for their match tonight.

– Match for the Vacant Tag Titles: America’s Most Wanted vs XXX
It’s going to be Christopher Daniels and Low Ki in this match apparently. Big brawl kicks it off. AMW is in brand new match blue trunks now, for those who keep track of people’s tights like I do. Either Cowboy or Wildcat need to get a haircut because I have a little trouble telling them apart sometimes. I know they look different but at a glance, they’re identical. So don’t send me e-mails about how they look different please, I’m aware. Elix Skipper stops the one-sided beating of Low Ki and Daniels and Daniels regains control of the match with some offense on Cowboy. XXX beats on Cowboy for a bit until Cowboy hits a hard clothesline and rallies back and tags in Wildcat. Wildcat is a MANSION ENGULFED IN FLAMES! All his power moves do is get him two counts. AMW hits the Death Sentence on Daniels pulls out the ref. Skipper interferes and hits the Play of the Day on Cowboy, but Daniels only gets two. Wildcat grabs Daniels and locks him in the Sharpshooter. Low Ki tries to break it up but gets hit with the Catatonic instead. Wildcat grabs a title belt and smacks Daniels but the doesn’t like that and while he grabs the belt from Wildcat, Low Ki hits Wildcat with the other tag belt for the pinfall to win the titles. I didn’t like that ending but I LOVED the match.
Winners and New Tag Team Champions: Low Ki & Christopher Daniels (11:42)
Grade: B+

– The Gift comes out with Holly Wood and makes fun of Athena. The Gift then focuses his attention to Lollipop (the super hot TNA dancer) and challenges her on Holly’s behalf. We got ourselves a cat fight. And OH MY GOD we got ourselves some NUDITY! Hey you know what, if you’re going to do T&A, do it all the way! That made me very happy. SOMEONE SEND ME VIDCAPS and I will hook you up. Thanks a lot, have I mentioned that I love my readers? Jeremy Borash’s face during this segment was absolutelty brilliant! So yeah seriously, send me some damn vidcaps of this, I’ll make it worth your while.

– Winner Faces Jeff Jarrett for the NWA Title: Raven vs A.J. Styles
I tell you what, you just concentrate on getting those vidcaps of Lollipop to me and I’ll watch this match for you. I mean, it’s gonna be good and all but boobies are better. I’ll shut up before I sound like that old perv Jerry Lawler. Raven tosses Styles around the ringside area to start. Jeff Jarrett is on commentary for this and he’s kind of boring in this role. If anything, he’s a throwback to no B.S. babyface champs like Bret Hart and I can totally hang with that. Match gets back in the ring and Styles is bloodier than an inmate’s as… jeez, I don’t like where that joke was going. Styles wrestles the so-called “heavyweight style” really well, which is nice. Not that I ever doubted the Phenomenal One was a multi-dimensional competitor. Action spills to the outside but Raven blocks Styles’ lucha offense by putting the knee up. Nice. Raven provokes Jarrett on the outside and officials send Jarrett to the back. Jeff Jarrett has a thing for pastel muscle shirts is what I just noticed. Ref gets bumped and Raven hits the Evenflow but the second ref only counts two. That ref gets bumped and Styles hits the Clash for two (as counted by the now revived first ref). Raven grabs a chair and Styles preps a superkick and they do the Superman/Doomsday finish and fall onto each other. Both refs count different men out and the match has no actual winner presumably to set up a three-way between Jarrett, Styles, and Raven. That’s cool with me as long as we eventually get Jarrett vs Raven in a one-on-one match. Solid match though.
Winner: Me for seeing boobs earlier (9:54)
Grade: B

– Yeah, I wish TNA had replays and I wish my VCR wasn’t busted because this show was awesome! Styles and Raven delivered the goods in the main event despite the slightly contrived finish, Duggan’s match DIDN’T SUCK, D’Lo Brown’s debut, awesome X title match, awesome tag team title match, and dammit… BOOBIES! Best show of the year. First person to send me vidcaps of Lollipop with her shirt off gets a bag full of free CDs and other great stuff from my job. I mean it. Until then, see you in seven.