Dark Pegasus Video Review: Armageddon 1999

Armageddon 1999 by J.D. Dunn December 12, 1999 Live from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. Opening Match, #1 Contender Battle Royal. Your participants are the Dudleyz, the Hardyz, 2 Cool, the Headbangers, the Mean Street Posse, Mark Henry & Godfather, the APA, and Edge & Christian. The Posse keeps staving off elimination by cheating until the ref finally catches them. There goes Mosh. The Acolytes toss Mark Henry. Scotty and Christian battle on the apron, and 2 Cool gets eliminated. The fans are pissed. Whenever I talk about *everything* that the WWF touched in 1999-2000 turning to gold, this is probably the best example. 2 Much was nothing but a pair of jobber cruiserweights thrown together for lack of anything better to do. They had a slight gimmick change to 2 Cool and then one week they wound up on the same side as the returning Rikishi Phatu and talked him into dancing with them. It wound up reviving all three guys’ careers. The match comes down to the APA, the Dudz and the Hardyz. The Dudz hit Faarooq with a neckbreaker, but D-Von stops to pose, so Matt sneaks in and tosses him. That leaves the Hardyz and APA. Matt ranas Bradshaw to the floor, but the ref didn’t see who landed first. Faarooq gets tossed on the other side, but the ref doesn’t see it because he’s checking on Matt. Matt and Bradshaw tease getting eliminated, but it’s Jeff who gets LAUNCHED over the top to the floor at 10:57. The crowd was going nuts for the Hardyz, which is what made the result that much more puzzling. ** Kurt Angle vs. Steve Blackman. These two were teamed up, but Blackman wound up losing the match for them. Blackman charges the ring and gets an early advantage. Angle avoids a fist drop and hits a dropkick. A moonsault misses. Blackman locks in the Mutalock. The fans chant, “boring,” which JR tries to pass of as ‘getting into Angle’s head.’ Either that, or they’re chanting, “Doreen.” Angle blocks a pump-splash and rolls Blackman up for two. The German Suplex finishes Blackman at 6:57. Angle quickly dropped a lot of his repertoire that didn’t work and became a much more complete wrestler. *1/2 In the back, Michael Cole gets a word with B.B.. I guess someone had a problem with her being called “Barbara Bush.” WWF Women’s Title, Evening Gown Kiddy Pool Match: Ivory vs. B.B. vs. Jacqueline vs. Miss Kitty. Moolah and Mae Young are your special referees. The last one wearing an evening gown is the winner. Everyone teams up on Jacqueline and eliminates her. B.B., who looks like she’s having trouble staying in her evening gown just on her own, tries to fend off Kitty and Ivory. Thankfully, she floats. They strip her, but Ivory wants to tear off her bra. Kitty makes the save to HUGE heel heat. Kitty tries to strangle Ivory with B.B.’s evening gown. Kitty rips Ivory’s gown off to pick up the Women’s Title at 2:58. 1/4* Oh, but that’s too mundane, you say. Just a bunch of chicks in a pool. Wait for it. Kitty gives a victory speech and UNLEASHES THE PUPPIES! I’m switching my rating for Stacy’s itty, bitty, kitty titties. ***** Sadly, Sgt. Slaughter runs out and covers her with a towel after only a glimpse. Slaughter, you lousy motherfucker! I hate you, you bald son of a bitch. Mae Young says she doesn’t want people to be disappointed, so SHE starts to strip. Slaughter returns and drags her off under a towel. Thank you, Slaughter! I love you, you magnificent son of a bitch. Bald is beautiful! The Hollys vs. Viscera & Rikishi Phatu. See, the Hollys claim to be the true super-heavyweights. Rikishi squashes Crash to block a sunset flip. Hardcore breaks up the Banzai Drop. Viscera cleans house, although he doesn’t seem to like his tag partner so much. Hardcore avoids an avalanche and hits a missile dropkick. Crash tries another sunset flip, this time on Vis. It has much the same result. Rikishi tags in and hits the Rikishi Cutter. He no-sells a DDT because he’s Samoan and all. That sets up the Rikishi Driver. Viscera accidentally hits him with a spinning wheel kick, though, and Hardcore gets the pin at 4:24. After the match, Rikishi and Viscera slug it out. 3/4* Val Venis promises some celebratory European hunka-chunka when he wins the European Title tonight. But first, he hits on Lillian Garcia en Español. European Title: The British Bulldog vs. Val Venis vs. D-Lo Brown. The Mean Street Posse escort Bulldog to the ring, but referee Teddy Long sends them to the back fearing they’ll cause problems. The MSP actually broke up a #1 contender’s match between Val and D-Lo, which backfired because now Bulldog has to face both guys. D-Lo wipes out both of his opponents with his over-the-top tope. D-Lo blows a springboard move, and Val takes over. He beats D-Lo down and drags Bulldog in. Now, D-Lo and Val team up to… drop Bulldog right on his head with a hiptoss. Ugh. This match sucks somethin’ fierce. Bulldog bails and lets Val and D-Lo fight it out. He waits for Val to cover and then yanks him out. Bulldog hits the powerslam, but D-Lo forearms him. The Rydien Bomb sets up the Lo Down, but Val comes off the top with the Money Shot at 9:19. I’m not sure I could adequately describe this match without using the prefix “cluster.” The European Title was meaningless at this point anyway. * Cage Match: X-Pac vs. Kane (w/Tori). The deck is stacked toward Pac here, as Kane has to win by pinfall, but X-Pac can escape if he wants to. X-Pac goes after Tori, leading Kane to come out after him. Pac hits him in the face with the ringbell. Kane chases him back in and overpowers him. X-Pac crotches him on the top rope. Kane comes back with a tilt-o-whirl backbreaker and tosses X-Pac into the cage. The New Age Outlaws run down and cut open the cage and slam the door on Kane’s head. X-Pac recovers and X-Factors Kane’s face into a chair. He handcuffs Kane and goes up, but Tori runs in and yanks him down. He gives her an X-Factor, much to the consternation of JR. X-Pac goes over and out, but Kane snaps the handcuffs and catches him before his feet hit the floor. Kane tosses him back in and hits the flying clothesline off the top of the cage. That sets up the Tombstone at 8:13. X-Pac would have the last laugh, though. **1/2 Intercontinental Title: Chyna (w/Miss Kitty) vs. Chris Jericho. Jericho attacks from behind, but Chyna avoids a charge and sends Jericho to the floor. Jericho drops her on the table and grabs a chair, but Miss Kitty takes it away from him. He grabs her and kisses her, pissing off the King. Chyna goes low and hits the Handspring Elbow. A DDT gets two. Jericho ties her up in the ropes and dropkicks her injured thumb. He picks her up for a powerbomb, but Chyna counters to a rana for two. Jericho goes after Chyna’s back. He hits a bulldog, but the Lionsault finds Chyna’s knees. She catapults him into the turnbuckle, but it only gets two. Jericho counters the Pedigree to a backslide for two. He tries a backdrop superplex, but Chyna reverses and lands on top for two. She tries a sunset flip, but Jericho rolls through into the Walls of Jericho. Chyna holds out for a while but has to tap at 10:21. Big win for Jericho, and people were practically frothing at the mouth to cheer for the guy. *** In the back, Chyna congratulates Jericho and shakes his hand. WWF Tag Team Titles: The New Age Outlaws vs. The Rock ‘n’ Sock Connection. Mankind and Road Dogg start out, but the Rock tags in and the place goes BALLISTIC. Like an idiot, Billy talks trash to the Rock and then tries to take his shirt off, so Rock just jumps him while his shirts up over his head. Mick, who is undeniably sylphlike compared to today, tags back in. Rock and Ass brawl into the crowd and back again. Billy hits the Running Ass Crusher for two. Road Dogg tags in and tries to give Rock the Anal Sex Slam, but Rock goes low. Curiously, he waits until after the anal sex is over. Mick gets the hot tag and hits the Shake, Rattle & Roll. Sort of. He actually winds up rolling the ref. He helps the ref up, but Mr. Ass jumps on both of them, bumping the ref again. Mankind busts out Mr. Socko and tries to put Roadie out with the Mandible Claw. Al Snow, who was jealous of the Rock’s partnership with Mankind, runs down and gives Mick Head. By the way, what’s the funnier running joke on Scrubs – Dr. Mickhead or “EAGLE!”? Rock chases Snow back up the aisle as Billy nails Mankind with the title belt. It only gets two. Rock gets the hot tag and spinebusters Road Dogg. Billy takes the Rock Bottom, but Snow returns and attacks the Rock & Sock Connection for the DQ at 16:26. This was supposed to set up a feud between Rock and Snow to give Rock something to do and give the rub to Al, but a number of things wound up derailing that. **1/2 WWF Heavyweight Title: The Big Show vs. The Big Bossman (w/Prince Albert). The Big Show got one of those Ronnie Garvin-ish reigns where everyone knew he was just the transitional champion. Of course, the WWF didn’t want to job anyone important to him, so they elevated the Bossman to do the job. No seriously. He even beat the Rock in a #1 contender’s match. Bossman did a number of over-the-top heelish things to get heat. 1) He dug up the coffin of Papa Show and dragged it around the cemetery, 2) he badgered Mama Show into admitting that Big Show was an illegitimate child. Bastardization – it’s not just for Leprechauns. Show charges the ring and destroys the Bossman. Albert gets involved, so Show chokeslams him through the table. Bossman is able to jump him from behind and waylay him. He tosses Show back in, but Show kicks him away and kips up. Seriously? The chokeslam sends Bossman back down to the lower midcard at 3:13. Not that I mind these guys only getting three minutes, but they spent an awful lot of time hyping this match with the vignettes for less than 2-percent of the show. 1/2* No Holds Barred: Triple H vs. Vince McMahon. Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley is in the crowd, scowling at her new husband. If Hunter wins, he gets to stay married to Stephanie, and he gets a WWF Title shot. If Vince wins, the marriage is annulled. Again, I understand the impetus to involve McMahon in *every* big angle, but couldn’t this just as easily have been a star-making angle for Test, who was not only Steph’s fiancé but an actual WRESTLER? I know he was battling injuries at the time, but he was well enough to work the following night. Vince tosses powder in HHH’s eyes to block the sledgehammer shot. They brawl out into the crowd and into a darkened portal. Vince actually wins the brawl. Mankind wheels down a shopping cart full of plunder… and no doubt a wallet full of coupons for 25-pecent off plunder. See, Mick is notoriously cheap. Hunter stops to wash out his eyes, and Vince goes to town on him with a trashcan lid. Hunter fights back and rams the shopping cart into Vince’s head. Vince reverses a whip and sends HHH into the helicopter on the set (this PPV had a military theme). Hunter drags him out to the parking lot. Hunter disappears while we’re checking on Stephanie’s reaction shot, so Vince scours the arena. Suddenly, a car tries to run Vince down. Oh, just like Austin! Vince goes all John McClane on our asses and lunges out of the way. HHH slams Vince on a limo and drags him back inside. He slams Vince’s face into a snack machine (and my Twizzlers are *still* dangling there!). Back to the arena, Hunter scurries up a scaffold, and Vince follows. Hunter knocks him off into some sandbags. Hunter looks around and thinks about following before realizing that shit’s for midcarders. Instead, he grabs the house mic and taunts Steph. Vince, who is cut open now, staggers back to the ring. Hunter taunts Steph with Vince’s bloody face. He picks up a steel pipe before deciding he wants to use the sledgehammer. Vince goes low before HHH smashes his skull in. Now, it’s Vince… in the ring… with the lead pipe. He decides he wants to use the sledgehammer instead. Steph hops the rail and asks to be the one to do it. Hunter begs off, so Steph decides she can’t do it. HHH uses that opportunity to grab the sledgehammer and nail Vince with it for the win at 29:45. Steph checks on her dad, so Hunter teases smashing her brains in before embracing her. Oh, it was all a clever ruse. The match was an okay brawl – typical for the time. *** Okay, I have to admit, I never, AND THE ROCK MEANS NEVER, thought that Stephanie had the chops to be a convincing heel. I mean, she had only exhibited sub-Disney Channel acting abilities to that point. Now, I have a hard time accepting her as a babyface.

The 411: This is another one of those shows that is a clear dividing point between the Russofied leg of the Attitude Era and the Kreski portion. Hunter assumed his rightful place as the one and only top heel in the business. Mick and Rock were back on top as babyfaces. Pretty soon, the Radicalz would make the jump, and things would get REALLY good. It also foreshadowed the dominance of Vince and Triple H, as at least one of them would be involved in the main event at any given time over the next decade. Thumbs up.

Final Score:  7.0   [ Good ]