Dark Pegasus Video Review: Insurrextion 2003

Insurrextion 2003 by J.D. Dunn June 7, 2003 Live from Newcastle, England. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. Opening Match, Women’s Title: Jazz (w/Teddy Long) vs. Trish Stratus. Trish goes avoidy on her and hits a few chops. Teddy Long trips Trish up from the floor, though, allowing Jazz to hotshot her. Trish comes back with the Thesz Press and avoids a charge. She schoolboys Jazz for two. Jazz comes back and puts Trish in the Boston Crab as JR wonders whether or not Jazz knows her way around the kitchen. Yeah, because it’s 1955 again. Trish hits a neckbreaker but charges into a boot. She does hit the Stratusphere for two, though. That leads to the Chick Kick for two. Jazz blocks Stratusfaction and hits a backdrop. Trish powers out of a Boston Crab and reverses to her own. She segues to an STF, which is Jazz’s finisher. Victoria runs down and tries to get in the ring. That distraction allows Teddy Long to sneak in, toss Trish into the post, and sneak back out. Jazz covers for the win at 9:45. That’s like an Iron Man Match as far as WWE women are concerned. It had some sloppy points, but for the most part they kept things interesting. **1/4 Recap of Christian robbing Booker T of the resurrected Intercontinental Title. Intercontinental Title: Christian vs. Booker T. Lawler immediately starts with his “Booker’s been in prison” jokes. Some funny, some not so funny. Booker clotheslines Christian over the top, prompting Ross to say Booker should be ahead on points. Well, while we’re coming up with useless metrics, I believe Christian is ahead on total yards from scrimmage. Booker grabs a headlock and holds on to it like some sloppy Ricky Steamboat. He catapults Christian into the corner, but Christian goes to the eyes and snaps Booker’s neck on the top rope. Booker elbows out of a chinlock but misses the side kick and falls to the floor. Back in, Christian comes off the top, but Booker hits him with a flying kick to the mush. He hits a flying forearm for two. A side kick gets two, as does the “Jack Brisco” rollup. Christian gets two off the reverse DDT, but Booker rolls him up for two. The flapjack sets up the Spinaroonie. Booker gets knocked to the apron, but he still manages to hit the Scissors Kick. Oh, but Christian bounces off the ropes into the ref. Booker gets two off a missile dropkick. Christian avoids another Scissors Kick, reverses a rollup, and grabs a handful of rope for the win at 15:11. This is like every Christian midcard match ever. It went a little long and dragged a bit. ** Steve Austin says he saw Teddy Long interfere. He puts Teddy in a six-man between Teddy’s boys and the Dudleys. Kane walks by and (presumably) scowls at Austin. We get a recap of the reason why – Austin came out and berated Kane for losing to Rene Dupree on Raw. World Tag Titles: Rob Van Dam & Kane vs. La Resistance. RVD dazzles La Res with fancy footwork then lets Kane destroy them. Dupree works in the French Tickler right in front of Kane, so Kane slugs him and lets RVD hit a flying kick. RVD hits a moonsault and Rolling Thunder. Kane adds an assist and whips Van Dam into a somersault plancha. Grenier saves Rene from a suplex, and La Res take over. Ross notes that he no longer drinks Evian, nor does he eat French fries. Jingoistic Ross is so fun because he’ll go from ranting about Serena Williams getting booed at the French Open to ripping Sylvain and Rene for being French without even realizing the hypocrisy. La Res hit a double flapjack on Kane, but RVD breaks up the pin. Sylvain crotches Van Dam and tosses him, but Kane hits a double chokeslam on La Res. RVD finishes Rene with the Five-Star Frogsplash at 9:03. If La Res had a little more credibility at this point, it might have been better. ** Al Snow catches up with Goldust. This was after Goldust developed a stutter when Evolution electrocuted him. Not surprisingly, the WWE was considered creatively bankrupt at this point. They dropped the whole stupid thing and then just got rid of Goldie for a while. Goldust vs. Rico. The fans amuse themselves with chants of “You screwed Bret” at Referee Earl Hebner. That should tell you how interested they are in this match. Speaking of silly gimmicks, Rico was still the super-effeminate quasi-homosexual… who was an expert in martial arts. Sometimes the dichotomy is just too much to overcome. Rico uses a lot of kicks. Everyone gets bored, even the wrestlers. Lawler starts busting out his D-list material, making jokes about Mad Cow Disease. The money line, though, is when they start talking about James Bond movies and JR says he loves “Pussy Galore.” Goldust avoids a moonsault and goes for the Golden Globes kick. Rico pulls the ref in the way. Rico scoops up Goldust and puts his feet on the ropes for two. He charges, but Goldust catches him with a powerslam for the win at 9:55. A powerslam. Seriously? The match was technically fine in that nothing was blown and it looked professional, but there was just no fire too it. *1/2 We take a break to honor Freddie Blassie, who died earlier in the week without whom the business would be far, FAR different. The Highlight Reel: Chris Jericho laments the absence of the Jeritron 5000 and gets some cheap heat by making fun of the soccer team and local politics. Eric Bischoff soon joins him, and they riff on the crowd until Steve Austin comes down. Austin works in all his usual catchphrases and turns the main event into a street fight. This is why this era sucked. Twenty-minute segments used to set up one tiny little stipulation change. That and Austin beating the crap out of active wrestlers that they were trying to build around. Speaking of which, KICK WHAM STUNNER to Jericho. I know what you’re saying: “But the crowd wants to see that, so they should give the fans what they want.” Yeah, and the 1996 crowd wanted to see Ultimate Warrior press slam people and splash them. Notice that they didn’t have him attack Austin during the 3:16 speech and destroy him. Rodney Mack, Christopher Nowinski & Teddy Long vs. The Dudley Boyz. Nowinski was nearing the end of his run with the WWE thanks to multiple concussions. He now runs an institute that specializes in identifying the long-term damage from concussions and was key in coming up with new information in the Benoit murders. It occurs to me that he might be the first professional wrestler to be nominated for a Nobel Prize. Too bad Iceman King Parson’s work with Cold Fusion fell through in the 1980s. The Dudleyz storm the ring and dominate early and work in the spot where they press Spike out onto the pile. JR notes that Nowinski is a legitimate genius, prompting me to recall the random episode of Dream On where Brian Benben gets tired of having sex with dumb beautiful women because they aren’t intellectually stimulating so he meets and beds a really smart woman. So then she takes him to a MENSA meeting, and he has no idea what anyone is talking about because he’s only of slightly above-average intelligence, and it’s at that moment that he realizes that he’s just her “himbo.” The Dudleyz clean house and hit a double flapjack. The heels isolate Spike, though, and let Teddy have his way with him. Not nearly as erotic as it sounds. A heel doubleteam backfires, though, and Rodney Mack clocks Teddy. Spike knocks Mack to the floor and pins Long at 9:15. The heels try to get the drop on the babyfaces and put them through a table, but the Dudz turn the tables (pun intended) and put Nowinski through a table with the 3D. This was not so bad, nor was the episode of Dream On that I was daydreaming about instead of doing a straight recap. I’d check out the one where Martin and Eddie smoke pot, though, because I think that’s the high point of the series. ** Recap of Test being a prick to Stacy Kiebler and Scott Steiner being a complete gentleman. Damn, that Spielberg is something else! Test vs. Scott Steiner. No interesting stipulations tonight because the real match goes off at Badd Blood. Val Venis is your special ref, though. Stacy Kiebler is your guest announcer. Test jumps Steiner as Scott is watching Stacy step through the ropes. Test chokes Steiner out with a big boot in the corner and wraps a towel around Stacy because she’s showing too much skin. A sleeper slows down what was up until now a thrill ride… of suck. Stacy tosses her towel at Test, distracting him long enough for Steiner to come back and hit a belly-to-belly suplex. Test puts his feet on the ropes and gets two. Val catches him and gets in an argument with him about it. Steiner is able to roll him up for two. Stacy gets on the apron to protest the removal of the turnbuckle pad, so Test shoves Steiner into her and hits the big boot. It only gets two, and Stacy prevents Test from using a chair. Test is so distracted that Steiner is able to finish him with the Flatliner at 6:48. This only sucked slightly. Steiner was severely limited at this point, and Test was not the man to carry him. *3/4 World Heavyweight Title, Street Fight: Triple H (w/Ric Flair) vs. Kevin Nash (w/Shawn Michaels). Nash got sucked into the HHH vs. HBK feud against his will. Hebner admonishes both Shawn and Flair to keep out of it, although he’s really powerless to do anything about it since it’s a Street Fight. Nash takes it to the floor early, and Flair takes a cheapshot. Shawn attacks Flair and tosses him into the post, busting Flair open in old-school fashion. The fans don’t seem nearly as impressed as JR, bombarding Shawn and Earl Hebner with “You screwed Bret” chants. Even Nash doing the old “double clothesline the heels” spot doesn’t get them in it. Referees finally run down and drag Flair and Michaels to the back, thus killing off the possibility of something interesting happening. HHH tries to make things fun by bumping around, but he’s just not as mobile as he used to be. Nash backdrops him on the entrance ramp and hits him with a chair. He takes HHH over to the announce table (remember, it used to be up by the entrance). Hunter scurries back to the ring, though, and goes after Nash’s legs. Nash blocks the figure-four and whips Hunter to the floor. Hunter snaps Nash’s neck on the top rope and tries to smash his head in with the steps. Nash uses his catlike quickness to drop toehold Hunter. Oh, the fickle hand of irony. Hebner gets bumped (as he is contractually obligated to in all HHH matches). Flair runs down with a chair, but Nash sees him coming. Hunter grabs the chair and nails Nash as a new ref runs down. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Hunter knocks out the new ref, and HHH and Flair put the boots to Nash. Shawn returns and makes the save. Sweet Chin Music to Flair! Shawn keeps Hunter from using the sledgehammer but eats a Pedigree. Nash is up, though, and hits the Jackknife. New ref! ONE, TWO, THR-Flair pulls him out. Nash tries to Jackknife Flair, but HHH nails him with the sledgehammer as Earl Hebner conveniently comes out of his coma to count three at 14:57. If not for Shawn and Flair running around trying to save the match, this probably would have bottomed out. The “Hunter Formula” was being driven into the ground, and Earl Hebner’s probably lucky he got out when he did because he was taking more bumps in Triple H matches than HHH’s opponents were. HHH would wrestle the same basic main event match from 2001-2006 (which was one of the criticisms of Flair as well), and the only difference was how good his opponent was. Nash, who was coming off a knee injury and wasn’t very mobile when he was healthy, was not the guy to have good matches with. *3/4

The 411: Outside of the Women's Title match, which started the night off on a good note, the matches were bland and clichéd. Everyone seemed to be suffering from a severe case of jetlag. No one put any effort into their moves. It looked like a walkthrough on the day before a big football game. The main event, the only match the agents seemed to put any effort into, was so predictable that I was able to write bullet points for the action and fill in the rest for the recap. That's how sad 2003 PPVs were. Thumbs way down.

Final Score:  4.0   [ Poor ]