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Hallmark Christmas Movies Observations
Hallmark Christmas Movies Observations
For almost the last two months I’ve been on a massive Hallmark Christmas movies binge. Going back and forth between the Hallmark cable channel and its sister channel Hallmark Movies and Mysteries, I’ve watched just about every new 2021 Christmas movie both channels have aired so far (I think there are still a few more left to premiere for this year) plus loads of older movies, some of which I’ve seen before and others I was completely unaware of. For the most part, I’ve enjoyed them, even the depressing ones (thankfully, there aren’t that many but they’re out there and they’re my least favorite type pf Christmas movie). While watching these various movies, I’ve noticed a few things about them, and I thought it would be interesting to write out these observations and share them with the world. So that’s what this article is: a series of observations about the various Hallmark Christmas movies I’ve managed to watch the last twoish months. Enjoy.
Hallmark Christmas Movies Observations
Who exactly are these movies made for?: I don’t think it’s wrong to say that the Hallmark family of networks are “female” centric. Just watch any of the various original movies and TV shows the network produces and almost all of them star and feature female characters. Yes, there are exceptions to that (Jesse Metcalfe has a series of mystery movies on the Movies and Mysteries channel), but for the most part everything is about women. But what kind of women? Almost all of the female characters featured in the various movies and TV shows produced by the network are professionals of some sort. There aren’t any stay-at-home Moms or even middle class/lower middle class women who work at fast food places or grocery stores or whatever. And I have no idea why that is. You would think that there would be a variety of female characters on display (professionals, non-professionals, stay-at-home Moms, single women who aren’t interested in having a family, single women who are interested in having a family, etc.). That just isn’t the case, though. Is this a case of “we need to represent women in stations of power in society so future generations won’t think it’s weird there are female bosses” and whatnot? Or is there something else at work here?
I mean, it’s cool that the various Hallmark movies showcase female professionals. But are event planners the only kind of potentially interesting people who go to a small town out in the Midwest during the Christmas season and fall in love with a plumber or newspaper reporter or whatever? I think I’m missing something here.
The Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel tend to be funnier than the Christmas movies on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries: If the Hallmark Channel movies aren’t funnier they’re certainly “lighter” than the movies on the Movies and Mysteries channel. I’m assuming that this is a result of Movies and Mysteries airing mystery movies during the non-Christmas/holiday season as most of the mystery movies I’ve seen aren’t laugh riots or “light.” The movies are fairly serious minded (it’s the whole “someone has been murdered and we have to find out who did it” thing). Movies and Mysteries does air reruns of Monk and Psych and those shows are, generally speaking, funny, but maybe those are meant to be outliers? It also seems like Movies and Mysteries movies don’t air on the Hallmark channel and Hallmark channel movies don’t air on Movies and Mysteries (if they do it isn’t all that frequently). So if you’re interested in watching a “light” Hallmark Christmas movie, you should check out the regular Hallmark channel. The more dramatic Christmas movies are for Movies and Mysteries.
Gingerbread house making contests are a thing: Every so often there’s a movie on where there’s some sort of gingerbread house making competition that, in the world of the movie, is a big deal that loads of people nationwide know about. If that isn’t the case, there’s usually a scene where various characters are really into making gingerbread houses. I know people in real life make gingerbread houses and there are people out there who can be considered “gingerbread artists,” but is all of this just a function of creative license by the moviemakers? They are making a Christmas movie and it makes sense to have characters in the movie doing “Christmas themed” things, like making gingerbread houses. But are they overdoing this?
Who knew there were so many small European countries with royal families vacationing in the United States who also end up getting stranded because of snow and whatnot?: I know I didn’t. It makes you wonder where, exactly, in Europe these small countries could possibly be. If you look at a map of Europe it doesn’t look like there’s much room for these small (and they’re usually small) countries. So, again, where the hell are they supposed to be in Europe? And why are so many princes upset with royal tradition? Why aren’t there more “king of small European country finds love with older women in America” type stories? Wouldn’t that appeal to audiences?
Why are there no princesses getting stranded/”going undercover” in America looking for love/a potential prince candidate?: If this plot has been used before on the Hallmark channel family of networks I don’t remember seeing that movie. Why hasn’t it happened? Has it happened on any other female centric/Christmas movie channel like Lifetime?
There are three basic jobs women tend to have in these movies: As I said earlier, most of the female characters in these movies tend to be professionals of some sort: they’re an event planner, a company executive, or a journalist. And, yes, they show up in a small town to take over a family business (a Christmas store, a bakery that’s been in the town for one hundred years and that’s known throughout the state for its Christmas cookies, the local newspaper that’s about to be sold to a newspaper conglomerate), but you never see a deli worker heading to Montana to take care of her seriously injured father/mother and run the Christmas tree lot/Christmas ornament store or take over the planning of the town’s Christmas parade. Why couldn’t a stay-at-home Mom plan a giant parade?
Lots of people are writers and musicians, too: And these musicians are always practicing for a big opportunity with an orchestra or something and they’re worried about using a Christmas song as the song for their audition. I don’t really get why that is. Wouldn’t an orchestra/band/symphony looking for musicians want a skilled player and wouldn’t the people running the audition want potential people to play their best song? Why couldn’t that be a Christmas song?
Hot chocolate is the most important holiday Christmas drink: Just about everyone is drinking hot chocolate in these movies. You see some people drink coffee in the morning, but the rest of the day it’s all about hot chocolate. And there are hot chocolate stands and rolling carts selling hot chocolate in every Christmas street fair/bazaar/parade. You very rarely see anyone drink eggnog in these movies. Is hot chocolate less controversial or something? Does eggnog have a sinister/bad reputation that I’m unaware of?
New York City is “quaint”: If you watch a cop show or a lawyer show that takes place in New York City (or, really, any big city) odds are good that the city depicted in the show is a den of badness. It’s grimy, nasty, and filled with the scum of the Earth. In a Hallmark Christmas movie, though, New York City is quaint and clean and kind of nice. There’s no sense of “this city could kill you if it wanted to.” Is that because a good chunk of these movies are made in Canada?
At some point the Christmas song “Joy to the World” will appear on the soundtrack: These movies are, as you would expect, full of Christmas music, and just about every single one I’ve seen features “Joy to the World” on the soundtrack. Is that done to “appeal” to “Christian” audiences or is it because “Joy to the World” is a good/classic Christmas song? Is it both?
What sort of crime do the cops in these small towns actually deal with in their day to day lives?: I mean, do these small town cops deal with drug runners and drug dealers and murderers and bank robbers and other assorted criminals when they’re not dealing with the movie’s female protagonist who has amnesia after driving into a ditch? Do the big time criminals sort of take December off so the town can do the parade or bazaar or the big hooha Christmas festival, and then when it’s the New Year they get back to killing and stealing and dealing drugs? And how many of these small towns have serial killers in them?
I’d love to see one of the mystery movie franchises do a story in one of these Christmas movie towns just so we could see what sort of crime exists in them when it isn’t Christmas.
And why aren’t there any Christmas murder mysteries on the Movies and Mysteries channel? Shouldn’t that have happened at least once by now?
Danica McKellar has likely started a Christmas movie war: As this story shows, frequent Hallmark movies star Danica McKellar has left the Hallmark channel family of networks and signed an exclusive deal with GAC Family, a newish “family programming centric” channel run by a guy that used to run Hallmark’s channels. McKellar’s first movie for GAC Family is set to come out this January, and I would assume that McKellar will star in at least one Christmas movie for GAC Family for 2022. Will any of the network’s other stars leave for GAC Family? Will Lacey Chabert or Allison Sweeney or Kellie Martin or Holly Robinson Peete make a move or will Hallmark pay them more money to stay in the fold? Will Rachael Leigh Cook become a bigger presence on the network? And if any of them do leave, who will Hallmark promote?
And will Hallmark retire the movies McKellar made for them, both the Christmas movies and the non-Christmas movies? I don’t think I can handle a Hallmark Christmas movie season without seeing Crown for Christmas or Coming Home for Christmas.
Commercial breaks tend to slow the momentum of these movies in a big way, and you don’t really realize it until you watch one of them without commercial breaks: While I’ve generally enjoyed the Christmas movies I’ve watched, it sure seems like most of them start out strong and then start petering out in the middle. I really think this is due to the movies having commercials in them. When you watch one of these movies on your DVR or on DVD they play very differently. Watching them “live” can be a real slog sometimes. When Hallmark eventually does its mega marathon starting Christmas Eve night and runs its new movies commercial free you will see what I’m talking about. A 90 minute movie that airs from start to finish without commercial interruption plays differently than a 90 minute movie that has to be “fit” into a two hour window.
Candace Cameron Bure is less annoying in her Christmas movies than in her “regular” Hallmark movies: Frequent Hallmark channel viewers likely know Candace Cameron Bure from her Aurora Teagarden Mysteries movie series and her “seasonal” movies (like Valentine’s Day movies and shit like that). Most of those movies, especially the Teagarden movies, are often chores to sit through. CCB’s presence, for me, is just grating. But her Christmas movie output, for whatever reason, comes off as less egregious. I mean, yeah, I could do without seeing Christmas Under Wraps, the one where CCB is a surgeon working in Alaska and has Brian Doyle Murray in it, for the next decade or so, and that “Shoe Addict” movie she did is awful, but the other ones have been pretty decent. I really liked CCB’s newest one, The Christmas Contest (it had a nice “single camera sitcom/people talking to the camera” thing going for it). I’m surprised she didn’t do two new Christmas movies for the season.
Anyone else out there find Candice Cameron Bure kind of annoying outside of her Christmas movie output?
The more you watch these movies the more you kind of want to live in the small towns depicted in them: Outside of the depressing ones (Jesus Christ, I absolutely despise the new movie Five More Minutes for making me legitimately sadder than I already was), the worlds depicted in the various Hallmark Christmas movies I’ve seen is incredibly appealing. People are always smiling and laughing and there are no downer/sad endings. Just about everything works out in the end. Who wouldn’t want to experience that in real life even for a little while? Who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by friendly people all of the time?
I know I would.
Conclusion:
When the two main Hallmark cable channels stop airing Christmas movies 24/7 it’s going to be kind of weird not having them as an option after watching them for the last two months. I know I’ll find other programming to partake in, but I suspect I will be bummed out not being able to put Hallmark Christmas movies on in the background or checking to see what movie is on tonight (will the awesome The Christmas Card with Ed Asner run tonight? How about I’ll Be Home for Christmas, with James Brolin and Mena Suvari?). When do you think Hallmark will create a Christmas movie/Christmas programming channel? I’d be down for it. I’d be down for Hallmark eliminating its “Hallmark Drama” channel and turning that into a Christmas programming channel. I’d much rather have ready and daily access to Hallmark Christmas movies as opposed to reruns of Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons, and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Let that shit go somewhere else.
Should I make an effort to check out the Christmas movies on Lifetime? Or the ones on Ion? And what the heck are we going to get in 2022 with GAC Family? Are people going to take sides in a basic cable TV channel Christmas movie war?
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Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.
B-movies rule. Always remember that.
Merry Christmas!
Happy Holidays!
