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411’s TNA Final Resolution Report 12.07.08

December 7, 2008 | Posted by Chris Lansdell

Greetings, humanity~! This is the 411mania PPV Report for TNA Final Resolution, with your new live recapper Chris “I Write a Lot” Lansdell. I don’t know what to expect from this show, there’s a lot on the card that could work or suck depending on how lucky we are, so let’s just get to it.

Spiffy opening video, as normal, mostly backed with Rhino’s stellar mic work from the past few weeks. What a change in that guy.

Tenay’s voice is out of sync with his brain, I mean mouth. This does not bode well. They run down the card, there are no additions. Sign: “If Hemme wins, we riot”. Oh Hammerstein Ballroom, what have you started?!

Feast or Fired Match

TNA have learned a lesson from Survivor Series and are not doing individual entrances. Lance Rock looks like DOA-era Crush. Lethal is out to fight Dutt for the ninth PPV in a row. I wish I was exaggerating.

Bell. Everyone fights. Machismo and Dutt to the outside early. People are going for cases right away, Curry Man is close but gets taken down by Jimmy RAVE~! Oh good, Shark Boy pulls down Dutt’s tights and we get a full Guru moon. There go my retinae. Shining wizard from Shelley. Shark Boy and Curry Man take out the Guns, West calls them the Prince Justice Brotherhood. “Fallen Angel!” – Orlando. Yeah, the gimmick is over TNA. Guru uses Hernandez as a ladder to a case, but Machismo stops him and Rock takes them both down. Rave has his hands on a case but gets Border Tossed TO THE OUTSIDE INTO EVERYONE ELSE! Fuck me. Hernandez has a case. Rave got tossed to Dade County.

BG and Kip facing off, Kip goes down and Shark Boy cuts of BG. CHUMMER for Creed. Lance Rock KILLS him with a boot. GERMAN for Sabin! Shelley gets thrown! Rock goes for a case but Curry Man and Homicide stop him. Double whip, Rock runs through the double clothesline and nails both guys. Double chokeslam tried and broken up. Machismo is stopped by Rave. STO ON THE APRON BY RAVE on Lethal. Ouch. Curry Man and Lethal are both after the same case. Headbutt exchanges, Homicide goes down! Curry Man has a case but he can’t get down from the top as there is a welcoming committee with violence on their minds. SOMERSAULT SENTON TO THE OUTSIDE by Curry Man! 2 cases left now and Machismo is working on one, Rave and Dutt stop him. Jabs to Rave, Lethal Combo reversed by Rave into the Rock the World! Kute Kip out of nowhere with a boot, corner splash, FameAsser! Shelley in with feets! Missile dropkick by Sabin! Creed in, takes out both Guns. Damn this is fast. Neckbreaker by Homicide on Sabin! Somersault clothesline by Creed on Homicide! Insane leap into a rana by Dutt! Machismo reverses a Shiranui into a Dragon Suplex! Machismo goes up…stopped by Homicide! Gringo Cutter from the top!!! Homicide goes for case #1, Dutt is there to stop him but gets crotched by Homicide who can’t unhook the case, so he stands on Dutt to do it! One case left!! Kip and BG are fighting with Matlock DVD sets again. Dutt with a bodypress takes them both out! Rock is in with the Guns, DOUBLE KICK and Rock is down. Shelley goes up but Rave AGAIN stops someone. Rave goes up…Super Shiranui Bomb by the Guns takes Rave down! Damn. Machismo goes up, the Guns stop him…Missile Dropkick Doomsday Device!!! Shelley up again, Shark Boy is in to stop him! Creed whips Sabin into Shelley in the corner, Sabin comes out firing and hits the kick/DDT combo. Shelley up again with Sabin guarding, and Shelley has the case! He hits Curry Man and Creed, they celebrate…Machismo springboards in, grabs the last case and hits the floor!

Winners: Hernandez, Homicide, Jay Lethal and Curry Man
Rating: *** The match itself was fun, lots of good spots (mostly involving the Guns) and they managed to find some innovative ways to use the rules.

Borash is in to open one case. He makes sure that everyone knows what is at stake, and offers one person the opportunity to walk away and forfeit their case. Curry Man looks tempted, nobody goes for it. They are going to open case #2, held by Lethal. He has his fingers crossed. The Guns are still in the ring trying to get the case, Borash LAYS DOWN THE LAW! Very effeminately, but the Guns respack his authoritah. Lethal is ready, Borash is playing Howie Mandel. Lethal….has a tag title shot. Yippee. The Guns are now REALLY pissed. “Dammit would you let me do my job!” – Borash. He’s sick of their whining, their moaning, their complaining, their bitching…put some bass in your voice Borash. Shelley is the biggest pain in the ass that Borash ever worked with? Not going there.

Lauren is with The Beautiful People and Charmin, err Sharmell. Sharmell is ghetto as ghetto can be, allegedly. Dat Azz Squared are so fed up with beating the ugly out of Roxxi and Taylor, but they took the match because they wanted another crib. They do some more standard stuff and we get a video package for the match.

Sharmell and The Beautiful People (w/ Kute Kip) vs Roxxi, ODB and Taylor Wilde

I would hurrapop Velvet Sky all night long. Just sayin’. ODB is really old in that ring, and her antics are only funny backstage. Taylor Wilde has done nothing to impress me ever.

ODB wants Sharmell right off the bat, but it doesn’t happen. Love attacks Roxxi from behind and we’re underway. Whip countered into a stiff forearm by Roxxi, who tags in Wilde. Tag back to Roxxi who comes off the top with a double sledge to the arm. Wilde tagged again and it’s her turn to sledge the arm. STIFF forearms by Love to get out of the armbar, tag to Sky and a double back elbow takes Wilde down. Mounted punches to the, erm, elbows by Sky. Wilde fights back with forearms and a back leg trip. Tag to Roxxi, slam by Roxxi abnd another tag to Wilde. The faces go for a double team but Sky rolls out of the ring. Roxxi smacks Love off the apron and both Beautiful People are down. ODB tags in, Sharmell is reluctant but Kute Kip is in the ring facing off with ODB! Love and Sky tackle ODB from behind and take control, ODB fights back with chops but a boot from Sky fixes that. Tag to Love who drives ODB into the corner. Tag to Sky who kicks ODB hard in the back, basement dropkick by Love. Tag to Sharmell who hits some wild shots then bails as ODB starts hulking up. Love tags in, they go for the double clothesline but ODB ducks and takes both down! Wilde is in now, a pair of clohteslines, a pair of dropkicks. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker to Love gets 2. Roxxi throws Sky to the floor, they face off outside as do Roxxi and Love. Sharmell and ODB alone in the ring, Kute Kip is in again but ODB slaps him, goes between his legs and chases off Sharmell with Kute Kip in pursuit! Love and Wilde are legal and in the ring. Top rope crossbody by Love hits, Wilde rolls through and gets the 3!

Winners: ODB, Roxxi and Wilde via pinfall (Wilde on Love, roll through off a crossbody)
Rating: ** Nothing offensive, but not good either. Sharmell stayed out of the ring and Velvet Sky looked better than usual, but still nothing to make you want more.

JB has Eric Young backstage. Young puts over his change in attitude when the Guns interrupt and intimidate JB. They ask where Foley is, and of course he tells them.

X-Division Title Match – Eric Young vs Sheik Abdul Bashir (C)

Oh look, Sewell is the ref. What could possibly happen here?

Headlock takedown by Bashir and a quick one count. Snap mare and another 1. Schoolboy and another 1. They run the ropes, LOU THESZ PRESS by Young! Fists of fire! Fists of fire with those piston-like right hands! Stone Cold, Stone Cold! Bashir comes back with chops in the corner. Young does the Ric Flair corner bump, comes back in the ring and hits a HIGH swank belly to belly for 2. They fluff a turnbuckle ram and Bashir looks like he just jumped backwards. Ugly. Irish whip reversed HUGE and Young FLIES to the floor. Bashir out and rams Young into the steps headfirst, then back first. Back in and a 2 for Bashir. Waistlock applied by Bashir and I’m having flashbacks to HHH-Kozlov. Young runs to the ropes but eats a back elbow. Series of elbows by Bashir and he gets a 2. Seated surfboard applied by Bashir. See WWE, you CAN mix it up on the mat!Young tries to escape so Bashir hits a low dropkick and goes back to the surfboard. Young back to his feet, nice counter with a mule kick and both men are down. Kip up by Young and he’s a House! En! Fuego! Back suplex, he goes to the top, flying elbow gets 2! What next, striking up the band? Roaring Lariat gets 2 for Young. Slam by Young, again he goes up top and vastly overshoots the moonsault, Bashir gets 2. Bashir goes for the WMD, blocked by Young! Jacknife pin gets 2. Wheelbarrow neckbreaker gets 1…2…2.78 and Bashir has a foot on the ropes. Bashir takes advantage of a momentary lapse to launch Young outside. Sewell tries to keep Bashir in the ring, Bashir pushes Sewell who starts to shake, his skin is turning green and his clothes are ripping! Not really. Young catapults over into a sunset flip, but Bashir holds the ropes! Sewell kicks his hands off the ropes, Young has the cover and gets the 3!

Winner, and new X-Division Champion: Eric Young via pinfall (sunset flip)
Rating: **½ Meh. Nothing special, they’ve had better matches. The later announcement that the title is being held up made no sense, we’ve seen refs do that “kick the guy’s hands off the ropes” bit a hundred times.

Post-match, Bashir is unhappy and takes it out on Sewell, who tried to fight back but eats a SICK shot with the title and is busted open. Bashir takes out Young, then goes to work on the bleeding Sewell. Bashir leaves the ring with a bloody turban in one hand, the belt in the other, and Sewell’s blood on his mouth. You sick fuck! As Bashir leaves, Cornette and security repo the belt from him but do not award it to Young. Sewell is dripping blood as we go to the Hemme-Kong video package.

Knockouts Title Match – Awesome Kong (w/ Raisha Saeed and Rhaka Khan) vs Christy Hemme (w/ scotch tape, priest reading Last Rites, and body bag)

Kong kills bitches dead. TNA bring out another miltary dude to introduce Hemme. I have to say this is a great thing for TNA to do. Dude does a decent job too. Mmmmm Hemme. I’ll miss you. Is it wrong if she’s still warm and twitching? “I don’t care if she channels Lou Thesz, she has no chance” – Don West. Excellent.

Kong overpowers Hemme to start, Hemme tries a whip and Kong moves not. Forearms by Hemme, Kong blinks. Dropkick, Kong shrugs. Kong pushes her off and charges, Hemme low-bridges her! HOLY FIREHEAD! High crossbody from the top to the floor and she takes out Kong! Hemme goes for the axe kick but Kong says playtime is over, catches the foot and throws Hemme away. Go on, git! Hemme gets rolled back in, Kong seems to be running through a list of ways to make her hurt. Lifting double choke and a tree slam by Kong. Kong takes Hemme up and does the accordion stretch. Stop kicking yourself. Stop kicking yourself. Hemme is slammed down. Whip, Kong charges but Hemme moves, climbs the ropes and kicks Kong in the head a few times! Sleeper by Hemme! Kong tries to get her off by ramming her to the corner, second time’s the charm. Tornado DDT by Hemme! Flying Firecrotch Guillotine!!! Saeed pulls Hemme off and they fight outside, Khan is over to help and apparently the ref is blind. Hemme escapes into the ring, Saeed follows and attacks Christy from behind, but gets dropped with a DDT! Khan tries to get in put is cut off. Kong then crushes Hemme with a corner clothesline and tries to annihilate Christy, who is fighting back! Security is out to separate them, but they don’t want to be separated! Pull-apart brawl!

Winner: Christy Hemme via disqualification (interference). Kong retains.
Rating: **½ Far better than I expected. Hemme looked like a true threat and the pull-apart stopped Kong from looking weak. Hemme is improving, no question.

JB has Kurt Angle. Angle is stoic, then starts talking about ecstacy. Then he talks about gutting an animal and eating it. Dude, seriously. He says he’s lost it, he’s on a hunt for Jeff Jarrett and there’s a Rhino in his way. There’s a fire in Rhino’s eyes, but it’s like a puff of smoke compared with the fire he holds for Jarrett. He’s obsessed with Jarrett, thinks about him and his girls morning, noon and night. GAY! He also says Mick is taken care of.

Tag Title Match – Beer Money Inc (C) vs Abyss and Matt Morgan

Abyss attacks right off the bat. All four men are in the ring, Carbon Footprint for Storm and a big backdrop for Roode. The champs recuperate outside and we have yet to hear the bell.

Abyss chases Beer Money backstage, Morgan is left alone. He climbs the ropes and as Beer Money come running back to ringside Morgan launches himself into both champs with a crossbody! Nice. The champs try and leave, we still haven’t started the match. Nor does it appear we will. Or will we? The ref makes the old forfeit at 10 call and Beer Money hit the ring at 9 then slide back out. Abyss is unhappy. Guess he had a hangover. We’re playing mind games still as Morgan decides he should start. Roode starts with a headlock, then gets overpowered. Morgan places Roode’s neck on the top rope then jumps on him, impressive. Roode fights back and tags in Storm who tries a crossbody and gets caught. Tabletop suplex by Morgan and a tag to Abyss! Storm bails and Abyss drags Roode in. Goozle is broken up, Roode hits the ropes and eats a side slam for 2. Whip, Abyss charges into an elbow, Roode tries to tag out but Storm is getting a beer. Morgan is in, double shoulder block gets 2. Whip by Morgan, he tries to charge but Jackie has his foot! Dropkick to the knee by Roode and he goes to work on the leg. Tag to Storm who also attacks the knee. Roode uses a distraction by Storm and wraps Morgans leg around the post. Roode is in now, Morgan fights back from his knees but gets chop-blocked. Leg grapevine by Roode. Tag to Storm who takes over on the grapevine, then turns over into a single-leg crab. Beer Money pull a switch while Abyss is remonstrating with the ref and puts on the single crab himself. Morgan fights his way to the ropes, Roode tags Storm who hits some kneelifts and tags Roode. Rocket Launcher gets 2! Shades os the New Foundation! Double suplex attempt is blocked and Morgan takes both heels over! I smell hot tag…RICKY MORTON STYLE~! Abyss is in and is taking it to Roode, as Storm has bailed! Roode is up for Shock Treatment, broken up by Storm’s foot. Abyss no-sells some shots then press slams Storm. Roode tries to come off the top but gets caught, goozled and slammed. Shock Treatment to Storm! 2 count only. Abyss charges and misses, Storm has a beer bottle but gets stopped! Abyss has the bottle! Jackie is in to stop the carnage but Storm has knux! WHAM he connects and then hurls the knux about 50 yards for a toucbhdown! Cleveland should sign him. 1…2…3!

Winners: Beer Money Inc via pinfall (on Abyss, Power of the Punch)
Rating: **¼ I just didn’t dig this match. Oh sure it was OK, but I really can’t say any more. The chemistry just wasn’t there and the match is already blurring in my mind.

The Guns interrupt Foley and Lauren and tell Foley he’s a dinosaur. Kids love dinosaurs, says Foley. “Kids also eat dirt, are we really using them as a baromoeter?” – Shelley. Gold. The Guns want Foley to go to the ring and overturn the decision from the Feast or Famine, which he’s going to take under advisement. Foley looks even more like a bum than normal.

The Guns are out. This isn’t going to end well. Shelley says they fouind some chairs with excellent lower lumbar support. God this man is tremendous. The Guns say they are not leaving until Foley comes out, but Cornette is out instead. Foley has more important things to do than wet-nurse a couple of crybabies. The Guns had better get out of the ring and the building right now. Or what, says Shelley. Do they look like a cross-eyed Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson? Cornette calls for security, which does not seem to bother the Guns much. Oh dear God. The lights go out and Suicide comes in on a rope. HAVE WE NOT LEARNED FROM OWEN? Suicide OWNS the Guns with some nice offence and leaves. Who was that masked man?

Lauren is with Rhino. Apparently he’s been pacing all day, and he looks rather pissed. “I shouldn’t be here, should I?” – Lauren. Rhino cuts an intense promo saying he’s fighting for Jeff’s girls.

Rhino vs Kurt Angle

Is anyone doubting the outcome of this one? No? Good. They circle and lock up, Angle gains control with a headlock. Shoulder block by Rhino and Angle bails. Yeah, he’s pretty strong Kurt. Rhino with some more shoulders and a headlock takedown. Rhino runs the ropes and blocks a hip toss, then levels Kurt with a clothesline. Shots in the corner by Rhino. Back elbow to a charging Angle gets 2. Clothesline gets 2 more. Angle with a whip, he charges into Rhino’s knee and Rhino goes to the second rope. Angle would rather not get hit with that so he pushes Rhino off and to the floor. On the outside Angle whips Rhino to the railing hard. Back in and Angle gets a 2. Back suplex by Angle gets 2. Chinlock by Angle, Rhino powers up and slams Angle but Kurt holds on to the chinlock! Rhino up again, whip reversed by Angle who catches Rhino and takes him over with a belly to belly for 2. Rhino tires to mount a comeback but a rake of the eyes ends it. Rear chinlock by Angle again, Rhino elbows out, Angle runs the ropes and a double clothesline sends both men to the mat. Rhino in control with shots and a spinebuster for 2. Whip to the corner and a shoulder charge by Rhino. He goes for a belly to belly but Angle goes behind Rhino and hits a sloppy German. Angle slam reversed into a belly to belly by Rhino! He sets for the Gore and gets nothing but turnbuckle, and Angle locks in the ankle lock! Rhino fights for the ropes but Angle pulls him back to the middle of the ring. Rhino manages to kick Angle off, takes him up for a powerbomb then DROPS HIM BACKWARDS face-first to the turnbuckle! Sets for the Gore again, boot to the gut, ANGLE SLAM!! 1…2…2.81!!! Angle stays on top with shots, a whip is reversed and Angle almost crushes Johnson! Rhino charges, Angle dodges and Johnson gets GORED! Angle gets a chair, Foley is in to stop the usage. Rhino rolls up Angle from behind for 2! Angle goes up top, Rhino stops him with shots and follows him to the top. Superplex…hits! 1…2…2.89! Foley is making the counts now. AL SNOW is here! He slaps Foley! Chair shot by Angle to Rhino! Angle Slam! Foley in and has to count! 1…2…3!

Winner: Kurt Angle via pinfall (Angle Slam following chair shot)
Rating: **¼ Again, did nothing for me. It was watchable, and that’s about it.

Post-match, Angle wants to cripple Jarrett and then he is going to beat the shit out of Foley. Ooooh potty mouth. So has Al Snow signed or is this a one-shot deal?

Lauren is with the Main Event Mafia. Finally they are letting Sting talk for the group. The Front Line is going to learn what the MEM and the title represent.

The Front Line is with JB, who wants to know if they can trust Team 3D. No, no they can’t, but AJ doesn’t see it that way. By the way, PremiumBlandrew has it right in the Comments. Let’s just all get along.

TNA World Title – The Main Event Mafia vs The Front Line

The MEM just look like a stable of champions. They exude charisma and confidence. The Front Line just look like two teams of two. JB has the SUPER-SPESHUL ring announcing.

AJ and Booker to start. I expect AJ and Joe to do most of the work until the swerve. Booker with knee strikes and chops, he goes for the crescent kick but AJ comes back with stiff strikes and a seriously high dropkick. Ray is in, so much for that idea. Armbar by Ray, Booker backs him to the corner and fights back with knees. Steiner in, Booker hits a side slam and Steinr lays in the boots. Steiner line, Ray avoids the elbow drop, hits some jabs and hits the Rock Bottom! Tag to Joe, double shoulder block by Joe and Ray. Charging elbow in the corner by Joe followed by an enziguiri. Steiner goes to the eyes and goes to tag Nash but Joe is ready for him, so we get Sting instead. Chops galore from Joe, kicks now and Sting is being battered! Jabs in the corner, headbutt by Joe but Sting goes to the eyes and comes back with a slam and a high elbow drop. NOW Nash will come in, he hits the knees in the corner and then the elbows to the temples. Joe fights back out of the corner and tags in Devon! Flying shoulderblock by Devon! Steiner and Booker come in and get taken out! Back elbow by Devon gets two before Sting catches him from behind and Nash hits the big boot. Side slam by Nash gets 2. Steiner in now with shots and a bear hug which he turns into an overhead belly to belly for 2. Booker in now and he maintains control with shots and a big spin kick for 2. Chinlock now by Booker. Tag to Sting who lays in the boots and tags in Steiner. Chops in the corner, Devon is perched on the top but Steiner gets pushed off. Diving headbutt by Devon! Both men are down now. Ray and Nash are in, corner splash and a back suplex by Ray! Cover gets one before Booker makes the save. Joe is in, high knee drop gets 1. Booker is in and whips Joe to the corner, Steiner crotches him on the post while Booker ties up the ref. 2 count for Nash after a clothesline. Elbow drop gets 2 more for Nash. Sting in and hits a dropkick. Old white man can jump! Another dropkick! Tag to Steiner who has chops, the Steiner Line and the elbow drop/pushup combo. Chinlock by Steiner, Joe escapes but gets nailed with a Flatline variant. Tage to Sting now who hits a suplex. Another tag, to Booker this time. Knees by Booker, then a chop exchange. Booker catches Joe coming off the ropes with a back heel kick and tags Steiner. Joe gets perched on the top by Steiner, SUPER BELLY TO BELLY hits!!! Another chinlock by Steiner. Nash gets the tag in and goes to typical Nash offence. Big boot by Nash and Sting comes in with a top rope splash…that gets all knees! It doesn’t change anything as Sting is able to tag Booker who applies the abdominal stretch. Tag to Steiner, he whips Joe and charge…STJoe! Tag to AJ!!! Shots to Sting! Clotheslines! One for Booker! One for Steiner! Corner splashes for all 4! High-angle back suplex gets 2! Whip by Sting, BLIND TAG to Joe who KILLS Sting with a T-bone! He dropped Sting on his face, that was NASTY. Everyone is in now, 3D to Booker!! Steiner in, clohteslines for both Team 3D! T-bone to Devon! Bubba Bomb to Steiner! Chokeslam from Nash to Ray! Flying forearm by Styles to Nash! Scorpion Deathlock applied to AJ! Joe breaks it up with slaps and goes for the muscle buster on Sting! LOW BLOW by Nash, Scorpion Deathdrop to Joe and we have a 3!

Winners: The Main Event Mafia via pinfall (Sting on Joe, Scorpion Death Drop following nut shot)
Rating: ***¼ Ahhhh much better. This was exciting and although the result was hardly in doubt, I still found myself asking what might happen next.

Sting walks off alone to close the show. Drama~!

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Chris Lansdell

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