411’s TNA Impact Report 04.23.09

Greetings, humanity! No, you didn’t accidentally click on Brace for Impact. I’m covering the Impact report for Harrison this week, since he’s doing something that butts more butts in seats than TNA World Champion Mick Foley. Enough ramble, BANNER!

Oh, right.

Jeff Jarrett is out to start the show. Hot crowd tonight. He’s got the world title over his shoulder? Ah right, he’s bringing out Foley, who looks really old and broken down. Possbily because, you know, he IS old and broken down. Foley says this is a great moment in TNA history and thanks people. Apparently he had 25 stitches after the match. Coincidence, the thought of Foley holding a title in 2009 had me in stitches too. Foley says it’s a safe bet that we won’t see the Stinger in the Impact Zone for quite a while, which will probably cause his music to hit. No? OK. Jarrett hands over the title and the crowd, who seconds ago were chanting for Sting, are now chanting for Foley. FICKLE!Jeff says he never thought they’d be in this position, because he thought Foley wanted a career in wrestling outside the ring. Jarrett announces that he will defend the title in a 4-way match, but Foley only loses the title if he gets pinned. Everyone else has to sacrifice something to get in the match, and if they get pinned they lose that something. Foley wants to know who made this match, since Jarrett said “TNA Management” made it, and that means him and Jeff. Foley thinks Jarrett is jealous, and he books Jarrett in a match in response. A Cactus Jack Smack Attack (now that is whack!), in which Foley selects some items with which Jarrett and his opponent can do battle. Foley reckons the MEM would love to get their hands on Jarrett and makes Steiner-Jarrett in a Cactus Jack Smack Attack (now that is whack, and that’s a fact!) for later!

Lauren is with Dat AZZ CUBED who are celebrating. She says we can kiss their asses because they did it. SUBSCRIBE. Apparently they’re going to get loaded and laid. Dammit where’s my invite?

Don West is with Team 3D who thank the fans and Beer Money. Smell that face turn! They want to make tag team wrestling even greater, and they are having a Team 3D Tag Team Invitational with teams from all over the world. Winner gets a trophy, a hundred grand and a title shot.

Quarter Final Match in the Team 3D Invitational: Beer Money vs. Lethal Consequences

Beer! Money! This should be good. Beer Money look PISSED.

Storm and Lethal start, Lethal recovers from early kicks to hit a headscissors and a nice dropkick. Tag to Creed and they work a double-team segment ending with a springboard bulldog by Creed. Storm gets a tag but Roode runs into a Creed jab. Beer Money end up outside…crossbody by Lethal! Spinning tope by Creed! Creed brings Roode back in with a suplex and gets 2. Whip reversed, there was a blind tag! Spinebuster-lungblower combo!!! That gets a pair of 2 counts. Both Roode and Storm drop elbows on Creed for 2. Double-team suplex!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

BEER~! MONEY~!

Creed comes back with some rights. Hot tag! Clotheslines aplenty for Roode! Missile dropkick! 2 count only, Storm breaks it up but hits his partner. Creed in, enziguiri! Suplex-crossbody combo! Lethal Combo on Roode! 1…2…no! Lethal is caught in the wrong corner…superkick to the back by Storm! DWI and that does it!

Winners: Beer! Money! via pinfall (Storm on Lethal, DWI)
Rating: ** Lethal seemed a step off, but the others looked good and the teams have good chemistry

JB asks Kurt Angle about Jarrett’s decision not to join them. Angle says they beat themselves at Lockdown, and that he should never have trusted Jarrett. Steiner says it was his fault for suggesting they trust Jarrett. Then he goes off on a classic Steiner rant. Never give this man a live mic.

Jarrett is with JB and he is pissed. Screw Scott Steiner, screw the Mafia, screw Mick Foley and screw Flanders. Eric Young busts in with some shoot comments about never getting a shot despite having two titles stripped and being handpicked by Sting. Jarrett tells him he can be Holiday’s partner. Who’s Holiday?

We get a rundown of the card…wait was that…Trevor Murdoch?

We get clips of Foley’s night and morning after winning the title.

Lauren is with Nash, Booker, Jenna and Sharmell. Nash says his ring rust might be a concern if he was a mere mortal, but as he isn’t it won’t be an issue. We also get some tension between Jenna and Sharmell.

More clips of Foley, in a greasy spoon schmoozing it up.

AJ and Daniels engage in a lovefest with Jarrett.

Ladder Match for a future Knockouts Title Match: SoJo Bolt vs. Taylor Wilde

Now here’s something you don’t see every day: a women’s ladder match. They both try and climb right away but it doesn’t last long. Bolt gains control and props the ladder in the corner, a whip to the ladder is reversed. Wilde sets the ladder and tries to climb but Sojo goes up with her…back suplex off the ladder! Sojo tries to climb now. Taylor is up with shots to the back and slams Sojo down. Sojo has some BRASS KNUX! Wait, did she just put them on wrong? Both ladies are at the top of the ladder, Wilde with several shots but Bolt comes back with a rake of the eyes. KNUX SHOT…with the BACK OF THE FUDGING KNCUKLES. Ladies and gentlemen, Sojo Bolt just botched a punch. Wilde falls off the top of the ladder, right on her freaking neck. Easy pickings now for Bolt.

Winner: Sojo Bolt via retrieval
Rating: * Well, that was short. Seriously, she botched a fucking loaded punch.

Jarrett is once again interrupted, this time by Slick Johnson, who apparently doubles as secretary when he’s not a ref. He says Jocelyn just called and said something about school. Thanks Slick, now FETCH ME COFFEE!

DAT AZZ CUBED minus one are out to intro the minus one. God bless you, cameraman. Give that man a raise. Wait, she did. Angelina says it’s hard times for the fans, with all of them out of work due to burger joints closing. Zing! Velvet looks really awkward in those shoes. Maybe she should take them off. She also looks really awkward in that shirt and that skirt. They bring out 3 male dancers and uhh…this just got to be Small’s wet dream. Wait, KONG! She’s out to kill….ummm…bastards dead? AWESOME BOMB to a dancer! Ohhh boy Kong looks pissed.

TNA Legends Title Match: AJ Styles © vs. Kevin Nash

Jenna is out with Nash, and she looks awkward. To be expected I suppose. So, now we get to see if pure concentrated new hotness can drag old and busted to a watchable match.

Nash starts in control with knees in the corner, then same elbows. VINTAGE NASH with the foot choke in the corner. AJ ducks a pair of attacks and goes low to the knees. Nash kicks him off, Styles perches on the second rope to lay in some shots but Nash just elbows him off the ropes to the outside. Back in the ring, side slam by Nash gets 2. Short-arm clothesline gets 2 more. AJ tries to fight back but runs into a knee to the gut. AJ from the apron…flying forearm! 2 count. AJ runs into the ropes but gets caught by the throat! AJ breaks it…PELE! 1…2…no! AJ goes for it all with a springboard but Nash moves! Sharmell and Booker are out, Sharmell distracts the ref and Booker hits the axe kick! The ref blatantly looked at just the wrong moment. Nash hauls down the straps and sets for the Jackknife…the ref breaks it up! DQ!

Winner: AJ Styles by DQ (Booker-ference)
Rating: *¼ Better than most Nash matches, I don’t know what was up with that finish though

We see the MEM fracturing backstage.

Quarter Final Match in the Team 3D Invitational: No Rimit vs. Eric Young and Jethro Holiday

No Limit are out with Bashir and Kiyoshi.

EY and Yujiro to start. EY in control early and gets a tag to Jethro. Snap mare and a boot the the face, followed by a big elbow for 2. Jethro drops his head and almost gets caught but comes back strong with a full nelson slam for two. Yujiro goes to the eyes and tags Naito who comes in with a missile dropkick. EY tries to intervene but is dumped outside. Backdrop by Naito to Jethro gets 2. After a chinlock a tag is made to Yujiro who gets a scoop slam and goes up top…and gets nothing but sole. Tag to EY and he is a house~! En~! FUEGO~! Kiyoshi is up on the apron long enough to distract EY, Yujiro gets the Air Raid Crash! Bashir is holding EY! The attack misses!!! Crucifix by Young gets the 3!

Winners: Eric Young and Jethro Holliday via pinfall (on Yujiro, crucifix)
Rating: * Well that was a whole load of nothing. Actually, it wasn’t a whole load. It was far too short for that.

Lauren and Abyss are with Dr Stevie. It was horrible. This angle has officially jumped the Shark Boy.

Daniels is with Tenay. With the sunglasses and that moustache, Daniels looks like he should be wearing a motorbike jacket and hat while singing about the navy.

Foley walks!

Cactus Jack Smack Attack (that is whack and that’s a fact, to the back!) : Jeff Jarrett vs Scott Steiner

Foley is at the commentary table and calls Jarrett a “turd in the punch bowl of life”. Remind me to never have punch at Casa de Foley.

Jarrett starts quick with kendo stick shots. He clotheslines Steienr to the outside and hits Steiner with a walking frame! He takes a sign from a fan and uses it! Oh, it was a street sign. PLANT. Jarrett showboats and Steiner takes advantage. Steiner has a POGO STICK!! Holy fuck a Mr Pogo reference! Bounce! Bounce! Bounce! Clothesline! Jarrett takes Steiner of the pogo and grabs a mailbox! Steiner stops that idea and…I can’t believe I am about to type this…hits Jarrett with Santa. SUPLEX onto a garbage can as we go to break. Wow, is this the first match interruption of the night?

They’re LEARNDING!

Back just in time to see Jarrett take Steiner’s head to a chair, then hit some trash can lid shots. Double arm DDT to a trash can by Jarrett! 1…2…no! Steiner catches a belly to belly overhead to come back Lid shot by Steiner. Steiner Recliner locked in! Jarrett makes it to the ropes. A small package gets 2 for Jarrett, followed by a trash can shot. Jarrett sets up a chair and tries for the Stroke into the chair! Steiner blocks it and takes Jarrett to the chair instead, then puts a trash can over the head of Jarrett! Crutch shot to the can! Jarrett hits a low blow…STROKE! 1…2…NO! Jarrett was heading up top but Steiner cut him off with a trash can shot. SUPER SAMOAN DROP! 1…2…2.9466! He’s not even Samoan! Steiner Recliner locked in again, Jarrett escapes and he reaches for the guitar! “First time we’ve seen this ever!” – Don West. Amen brother. EL KABONG! Stroke! 3!

Winner: Jeff Jarrett via pinfall (Stroke)
Rating: ** The novelty of the weapons and some of the spots made this surprisingly watchable, but nothing more.

Angle is out! Angle slam! Ankle lock! Now Steiner simultaneously locks in the Recliner!! Foley hits the ring and waffle Kurt Angle with a chair??? Jarrett and Foley look like they’ve made up…WHAM! Chair shot! Down goes Jarrett! Down goes Jarrett!

Jarrett has a mic as we come back, with AJ and Daniels in the ring. Apparently the next time Jarrett sees Foley he will shove a pink slip up his damn ass. Lights go out and Bobby Lashley is out to get familiar with dead silence, errr I mean TNA again. Angle and Steiner act impressed as we go off the air.