411’s TNA Impact Report 07.16.09

Welcome to 411’s TNA Impact Report for 07.16.09! I hope you all have had a great week and we’re about ready to dive into another exciting installment of TNA Impact. It seems as thought Bobby Lashley has signed a deal with TNA officially and will be at Victory Road. I hope this ends up being a good thing and he isn’t misused. Oh well. Let’s jump into the action. . .

TNA Impact opens with recap of last week. They show Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley’s promos from last week and highlights of the main event from last week with Kurt Angle winning and the beatdown of Mick Foley.

Tonight’s episode is entitled “On the Road to Victory”. Oh, I get it.

Pyro explodes everywhere, even the entrance ramp. They air a graphic for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match between Kurt Angle and Mick Foley. Mick Foley comes to the ring to begin tonight’s show. He’s actually wearing a dress shirt. This must be an important night. Foley wants to become TNA World Heavyweight Champion again as his shoulder feels “naked” without the title belt. He says he will try his hardest to get that title back over his shoulder this weekend. Foley says that the company is at a crossroads with the title match this Sunday. Foley wants to ask Angle for a couple of favors. He asks Kurt Angle to come to the ring without the Main Event Mafia to speak to him man-to-man. Angle’s music plays and he comes to the ring with his title belt this week that he got back from Sting who stole it the week prior. Angle is in a full suit as usual with the trademark Godfather rose in his left pocket. Seems Angle is growing his beard and hair back out. Strange. Foley said it hurt when he lost the title and he loved being champion. He mentions him being tied up in barbed wire last week. He yells to Kurt that they could have torn him to shreds, but they didn’t. They wanted to send a message. Foley tells Kurt to look at him. He has nothing much to offer. Foley calls Kurt Angle possibly the greatest wrestler of all-time. Foley says he’s not sure he can beat Kurt Angle. He does know that he will not tap out at Victory Road. Mick Foley asks Kurt Angle to get the Main Event Mafia involved in their match on Sunday. Angle tells Foley that he runs with the Mafia because of what they believe in. Angle says that the young punks are spoon-fed that can’t work tonight because they got blisters the night before and they are changing their world that they worked hard to preserve. Sting’s music hits and he comes to the top of the ramp to hop into the argument. Sting says that everything Kurt Angle has said is a bunch of bull. Sting screams to Angle that the Mafia is all about money and backstabbing. Sting tells Foley he is right that we will find out who has the power to run TNA on Sunday. Sting says he will take Samoa Joe and his handler up and down each side of the Impact Zone on at Victory Road. Sting asks Mick Foley to make Sting vs. Kurt Angle tonight! Mick Foley tries to speak, but Kurt Angle cuts him off. Angle says that Foley says yes. Angle says there will be one small tweak. It will be a Six Sides of Steel Match! Amazing! This should be awesome.

Mike Tenay and Don West are at ringside and rundown tonight’s card:

– Samoa Joe vs. Amazing Red
– Debut of Sarita
– Elimination Tag Match: Kevin Nash/Booker T./Scott Steiner vs. Beer Money Inc./AJ Styles
– Non-Title Six Sides of Steel Match: Sting vs. Kurt Angle

They cut to Samoa Joe backstage who is throwing Amazing Red all over the place. We head to a commercial break with Joe throwing Red’s face into a wall.

Samoa Joe vs. Amazing Red

We return to Impact with Joe kicking Red all the way down the entrance ramp. I’m guessing the match has begun? Joe clothesline’s the bologna out of Amazing Red on the floor. Joe takes the shirt off of Red and rolls him in the ring. The bell sounds. There we go. Samoa Joe stomps away at Red in the corner. Samoa Joe shoves Rudy Charles down and Charles disqualifies Joe.

Winner: Amazing Red by Disqualification
Match Thoughts: N/A. Wasn’t even a match. Just a brawl that lead to a full on squash ending in a DQ.

Joe hits a Muscle Buster after the match. He gets on Amazing Red and pounds away as security comes to the ring. It’s three-on-one in the ring, but instead Samoa Joe leaves the ring without fighting them.

A “Road to Victory” promo is shown featuring Samoa Joe.

Lauren is backstage with the newest TNA Knockout Sarita. Sarita says she’s been waiting for a long time by wrestling all over the world for her chance in TNA. Alissa Flash will be making her debut as well and Sarita speaks Spanish to her Spanish friends at home. Says something about a chicken. We go to another commercial break.

As we get back from commercial, they jump right into the feud between Jenna Morasca and Sharmell. What a waste of airtime. Sojo Bolt reminds me of a cheap version of Jazz.

Earlier today, Don West sat down with Sharmell, Jenna, Sojo Bolt, Raisha Saaed, and Awesome Kong. Lot of people sitting in chairs. Sharmell says that Jenna has been disrespectful has never apologized for just waltzing into the Main Event Mafia. Kong looks hilarious with a leopard print blanket it looks like. Jenna calls Sharmell cheap. This segment is awful. It’s like Jerry Springer, only worse if that’s possible. Sojo and Saaed get in each others faces as they cut away.

X-Division Champion Suicide’s match with Chris Sabin is next as we head to a commercial break.

A promo for Bound for Glory V in Los Angeles is aired. Go people. Go!

Jeremy Borash is backstage to get Kurt Angle’s reaction about the Six Sides of Steel Match made for tonight. Borash says he knows Angle very well and is having a hard time comprehending his thoughts about making this match. Angle tells Borash that he just wants to prove to Sting and the world that he is the real icon and will handle his business. Angle says Foley is right about everything he said with the future being decided at Victory Road. Angle says that next week Foley will be calling him boss.

Non-Title Match: Suicide vs. Chris Sabin w/ Alex Shelley

Suicide appears magically in the crowd with his TNA X-Division Championship belt. Solid camera work. Bell rings and here we go. Armdrags by Suicide. Chop follows. Sabin battles back, but is hit with another armdrag. Sabin armdrags Suicide into an armdrag and an armlock. My head huts. Another armdrag takeover by Suicide. Is that Ricky Steamboat under that mask? Sabin knees Suicide in the gut. Shelley grabs the leg of Suicide. Sabin kicks then dropkicks Suicide to the mat. Sabin chokes Suicide in the corner with his boot. He then stick Suicide over the middle rope and tries to take the mask off. Shelley kicks Suicide in the face. Sabin goes for a pin, but gets two. Sabin charges in and connects with an elbow. He goes to the top rope, springboard and misses. Clotheslines connect from Suicide. Neckbreaker by Suicide. Ace Cutter off the ropes by Suicide gets a close two count. Sabin hits an enziguri. Sabin goes to Suicide’s shoulders, he rolls him over onto the mat and Suicide splashes onto Shelley on the floor. Sabin drives Suicide face first to the mat for a nearfall. Jeez this match is in hyper mode. Sabin charges and hits Suicide with a boot. He has him in tree of woe position. Suicide comes to his feet and slams Sabin’s head into the turnbuckles. Suicide hits the Suicide Solution for the three count and the victory. Hoofa.

Winner: Suicide via Pinfall
Match Thoughts: *3/4. Super fast action. Very short match as usual, but it was good for what it was.

Alex Shelley attacks Suicide from behind after the match. Chris Sabin rolls to the floor and grabs a steel chair. Sabin top rope legdrops Suicide’s head into the chair. Homicide runs to the ring with his briefcase. He hits both members of the Motor City Machine Guns with the case. He picks up the X-Division title and stares at it. The crowd wants him to turn it in. He tells the referee he’s turning it in.

TNA X-Division Championship Match: Suicide(c) vs. Homicide

Homicide rolls Suicide over and covers. Two count! Suicide uppercuts Homicide. That sounds weird. Gringo Killer connects on Suicide! He covers and we have a new TNA X-Division Champion! Homicide has done it!

Winner: Homicide via Pinfall to win the TNA X-Division Championship
Match Thoughts: N/A. Can’t really rate it because it wasn’t much of a match, but a great moment for Homicide.

Homicide celebrates with the title afterwards. The crowd is going bonkers. Tenay asks if it was fair that Homicide won the title that way. The Beautiful People are headed to the ring as we head to commercial break.

Lauren is backstage with the new TNA X-Division Champion Homicide. She asks about the questionable decision. Homicide says he didn’t make up the rules. He could cash it in at anytime. This reminds me so much of CM Punk’s recent cashing in. Almost a complete clone. He grabs Lauren to go party.

The Beautiful People come out with Angelina Love in a germ suit. Hot. Looks like an astronaut. Angelina Love still does her trademark booty shake over the middle rope. Looks groovy in a germ suit with star stickers all over it. Madison Rayne has a broom. Angelina Love says she’s filed a report with Peter against Tara. Velvet Sky has spider killer. Angelina Love calls Tara a big ugly freak show. The Beautiful People do not recognize Tara’s victory last week and call it a fluke. Don West says “big time”. Great one-liner. Angelina Love says last week their match was never official and she is still the TNA Knockouts Champion. No contract was signed. She says she will make it official at Victory Road. Okay, so who the dumps is the champion? Tara comes to the ring with the title around her waist. Tara, from the top of the ramp, says that she is the officially the new TNA Knockouts Champion. She says she will prove it at their rematch this Sunday. Tara says she got there earlier tonight and brought her spider Poison with her and put it all over their clothes and inside the suit that Angelina Love is wearing. Angelina Love rolls all over the ring. Tara runs to the ring and hits the Widow’s Peak on Angelina Love. So I assume Tara is the official champion? Totally confusing segment.

Sarita’s TNA debut is next. Commercial break time.

Alissa Flash vs. Sarita

I guess Flash calls herself the “Future Legend”. Her theme song sounds familiar. Sarita is from Winnipeg, Canada by way of Mexico. Match starts and Flash spits her gum at Sarita’s face. Don West says that Sarita is from Madagascar. Greatest comment ever. Sarita dropkicks Flash to the floor. Suicide dive by Sarita follows. Nice move. Flash sends Sarita shoulder first into the steel ring post. Scoop slam on the floor by Alissa Flash. Both go back into the ring. Stomps by Flash. Alissa Flash bodyslams Sarita in the ring for a nearfall. Sarita fights back, but Flash throws her into the corner and boots the side of Sarita’s head. Punches to the stomach of Sarita. Sarita springs off the top rope and hits a crossbody block for a two count. Flash gets up and clotheslines her. Alissa Flash pulls the hair and chokes Sarita as the crowd tries to will her back to her feet. Sarita gets back to her feet and chops away. Roll through into an armbar, but Flash rolls over and tries to slam her. Flash takes her boot and curb stomps the head of Sarita into the mat for a very close fall. Sarita gets picked up and slammed down to the mat for a two. Sarita continues to fight back and gets caught mid-move and has her head thrown into the turnbuckle. Flash covers for a two count. Sarita gets a Victory Roll and wins the contest! Great match.

Winner: Sarita via Pinfall
Match Thoughts: ***. Best Knockouts match in a long time.

After the match, Sarita wants a handshake, but gets booted in the stomach then gets a Michinoku Driver into the canvas. We IMMEDIATELY go to commercial.

Don West goes over the TNA Live schedule. If they are near your town, go to their shows. They are great in person.

Lauren is with TNA Legends Champion AJ Styles. She asks about teaming with Beer Money Inc. tonight, his problems with Samoa Joe, and his match this weekend against Kevin Nash. Styles says that it is what it is and tonight he will take them out piece by piece. Styles screams saying that TNA was better off without Nash and that Nash took advantage of the system because Nash had to make the big money. So true. Styles says it’s not about the money and it’s about the love of the game.

Six-Man Elimination Tag Team Match: Main Event Mafia (Kevin Nash/Booker T./Scott Steiner) w/ Sharmell and Jenna vs. Beer Money Inc./AJ Styles

Beer Money Inc. still enters from the heel tunnel. I guess they haven’t “Crossed the Line” yet. Heh. No titles on the line in this contest. Hopefully we are in for a nice long war. Steiner and Styles begin the match with Scott flexing. They lock it up and Steiner works over the left arm of AJ Styles. Into a headlock AJ goes. Styles connects with an elbow sending Steiner to the mat. Jumping knee follows. Styles tags in Robert Roode. Roode chops the left arm of Scott Steiner. Roode hits a jumping neck snap ala Mr. Perfect. Beautiful. He tags in Storm and they hit a double suplex on Booker T. Beer Money Inc. plays to the crowd as Nash comes to into the ring. Styles hits the Flying Forearm for two. All six men are battling everywhere. Nash Jackknife Powerbombs AJ Styles for three?!

AJ Styles has been eliminated.

What the heck. Roode comes in the ring and Nash hits a side slam for two. I’m astonished at AJ’s elimination. Kevin Nash tags in Scott Steiner. Steiner chops Robert Roode. Clothesline by Steiner followed by an elbow drop for a two count and push-ups. Mike Tenay informs us that Jeff Jarrett will be commentating for the main event tonight. Booker T. tags in and chops at Roode’s already red chest. Roode rallies back, but gets kicked in the face. Booker T. goes for a sidekick, but catches nothing but the ropes. Storm and Steiner tag in. Storm clotheslines Steiner many times. Storm hits Booker off the ring apron. Backstabber gets two for Storm on Steiner. Chop by Storm to Kevin Nash. Kick to the back of the head. Clothesline by Roode. Booker hits Storm off the top rope. Steiner slams Storm’s head to the mat and gets a pinfall.

James Storm has been eliminated.

Robert Roode is all by himself. We jump to a commercial break as Roode looks scared for his life. Roode hits clotheslines on all members of the Mafia, but gets hit with a Bookend by Booker T. Booker pulls Roode’s head up before three to toy with him. Spin kick connects by Booker. Booker tags in Scott Steiner. He stomps at Roode’s side. Chop by Steiner. Belly-to-belly suplex by Steiner. Steiner tries pinning him with one finger, but fails at two. Steiner tags in Nash. Nash corners Roode and pounds him with knees. Elbows and punches by Nash in the corner. Roode is trying to will his way back into the match. Short arm clothesline gets two for Nash. Roode goes for a Jackknife, but Roode low blows Nash for the pin. Nash has been pinned!

Kevin Nash has been eliminated.

Steiner comes in and chops Roode. Overhead release belly-to-belly suplex connects from Steiner to Roode. Roode dodges an elbow and punches away at Steiner. Nash, from the floor, trips up Roode. Steiner chokes Roode. Storm starts coming down the ramp with a chair, but Matt Morgan runs down and throws him into the guardrail. Roode double clothesline’s Booker T. and Scott Steiner. Steiner accidentally clotheslines Booker. Neckbreaker for Roode on Steiner. Spinebuster by Robert Roode on Booker, but the pinfall is broken up by Scott Steiner. Steiner puts Roode on the top rope. Steiner tries a belly-to-belly, but is shoved off to the mat. Roode hits a neckbreaker from the middle rope. Booker goes for an Axe Kick, but misses. Payoff by Roode on Booker, but Sharmell distracts the referee. Booker hits a kick on Roode that’s held up by Steiner for the final pinfall.

Robert Roode has been eliminated.

Winners: Main Event Mafia (Kevin Nash/Booker T./Scott Steiner)
Survivors: Booker T. and Scott Steiner
Match Thoughts: ***. Robert Roode got a lot of time to showcase what he can do and he did very well. I’m surprised AJ Styles was eliminated so early and that Nash was actually pinned.

After the match, Sharmell and Jenna start shoving and pulling each others hair and weaves. We go to commercial.

Jeremy Borash is backstage and says that you can follow TNA on Twitter at Twitter.com/TNAOnline. Oh great. Team 3D comes into the backstage set and apparently they will meet the British Invasion at Victory Road. I like how Team 3D actually brings out their IWGP Tag Team Championships instead of ignoring them. Brother Devon says that the British Invasion will go to school and listen to their rules. Brother Ray says that after twenty-two tag team titles that they should have earned some respect. They blame their title loss to the British Invasion for screwing them at Slammiversary and at the #1 Contenders Match two weeks ago. They have revenge on their minds on Sunday. The British Invasion comes into the backstage area. Magnus says that the IWGP Tag Team Championship will be on the line at Victory Road. They brawl. Wahoo!

Mike Tenay and Don West rundown the Victory Road card for this Sunday:

– Jenna Morasca vs. Sharmell
– Abyss vs. Dr. Stevie
– Matt Morgan vs. Daniels
– TNA Knockouts Championship Match: Tara(c) vs. Angelina Love
– IWGP Tag Team Championship Match: Team 3D(c) vs. The British Invasion
– Samoa Joe vs. Sting
– TNA Legends Championship Match: AJ Styles(c) vs. Kevin Nash
– TNA Tag Team Championship Match: Beer Money Inc.(c) vs. Scott Steiner and Booker T.
– TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Kurt Angle(c) vs. Mick Foley

A “Road to Victory” promo for Sting is aired following the rundown of the card for Victory Road.

Lauren is with Abyss. Abyss has a bag in his hand, I presume that its tacks. He pets Lauren. Abyss says that Dr. Stevie tricked him and has been treated like an animal. Abyss claims he is not an animal. He screams that he is an angry monster. Dr. Stevie taught him to control his carnage, but he failed miserably. Abyss sprinkles tacks all over the ground and sticks thumbtacks into his arm. Sick. Abyss says that he doesn’t need Dr. Stevie anymore or therapy. One last therapy session this Sunday, this one is on Abyss.

Jeff Jarrett is shown on his way to the Impact Zone for his commentating role as we go to a commercial break. On a side not, the Victory Road card for Sunday looks absolutely stacked. It should be a great show.

Non-Title Six Sides of Steel Match: Kurt Angle vs. Sting

Jarrett gets full pyro for his entrance to the commentator’s table. I guess that’s what you earn when you own a company. Don West stands up and claps for Jarrett. Jarrett just stares at him. This is billed as a Grudge match. Angle wears the TNA World Heavyweight Championship belt around his waist to the ring for the first time in history I think. He always carries it, but he’s actually wearing it. Wow. Crowd pops pretty well for both wrestlers. The bell rings and here we go! Main event time. They circle each other. Headlock by Sting. Angle sends him into the ropes, then catches a shoulder. Angle is slow to his feet. He shakes it off. Lock back up again, this time Sting grabs Angle’s back, they switch, and again, and again, and again. Sting takes Angle down to the match and applies a headlock. Angle twists over and rings Sting’s arm. Crowd is screaming. Jarrett tells Don West to shut up. Elbow by Sting breaks the hold. Punches galore for Angle by Sting. Angle kicks Sting in the ggut and sends him into the corner and follows, but is hit with a boot that takes him down. Suplex by Sting. Sting covers and gets a two count. Angle gets to his feet and throws Sting head first into the steel. Sting goes down and we go to a commercial break. Argh.

Finally back from commercial with only five minutes left of TV time. Angle throws Sting head first into the cage again. Angle chokes Sting with his boot and stomps down Sting. Angle picks Sting up and punches him in the face. Sting punches back. They trade blows. Sting clotheslines Angle three times. Angle is sent face first into the cage and Sting goes for a pin, but gets two. Stinger Splash in the corner to Angle’s back. Angle reverses the Scorpion Deathdrop and sends Sting into the corner. Sting throws Angle into the cage three times and clotheslines him. Pin attempt gets a nearfall. Angle shoots up and hits a belly-to-back suplex on Sting. Angle drops the straps. Angle Slam is reversed into an armdrag and sting applies the Scorpion Deathlock. Samoa Joe comes from the back and attacks Jarrett. He gets the key from the referee and opens the cage door. He puts the lock back on so that no one can get back in. Sting slugs Joe in the face. Scorpion Deathlock on Joe! Lights go out! “Survive if I let you!” and “FTW” appear on the screen in orange and black! Angle hits Sting. Jarrett and Foley try to get in the cage, but Angle knocks them both off. Joe has the Kokina Clutch on Sting. The Main Event Mafia brawl with Foley and Jarrett on the outside of the ring while Joe still has the submission on Sting. The bell rings. I guess there is no winner?

Winner: No contest.
Match Thoughts: *1/2. One big cluster of a main event. The commercial break killed the match then the total disaster of a finish left me with my head spinning.

Final Thoughts: Two good matches on tonight’s show and one decent match. The rest were just awful. The finish to the main event made my head hurt. Six guys make a run-in during a cage match. What the heck kind of booking is that? It was a nice build-up to the pay-per-view and the presumed adviser being Taz, but still they could have done something differently.