411’s TNA Impact Report 10.02.08

TNA Impact Begins…NOW!
-We get a video package from last week.

-Tenay and West welcome us to the show and run down the card for the show.

Angelina Love w/Velvet Sky and Cute Kip vs. ODB

Love jumps ODB at the bell and takes control with mounted rights. Snap mare and Love slams ODB’s head to the mat. Off the ropes and ODB gets a shoulder block. Clothesline follows and Kip and Sky try to distract her, which allows Love to toss her to the floor. Sky lays the boots to her as Kip distracts the referee. Love slams her to the apron and rolls her back in. Love follows and covers for 2. Love and Kip distract the ref, Sky chokes out ODB and then Love picks up ODB by the hair and slams her down. Love stands over her, ODB kicks her in the ass and then chops away at her. Corner splash by ODB, sack of shit slam follows and then ODB kips up, rusty trombone celebration follows. Sky takes a drink from the flask, Love tosses ODB away, Sky spits it into her face and Love gets the flatliner for the victory.

Winner: Angelina Love @ 4:00 via pin

It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t anything to write home about either. They wanted to tell a story of ODB losing to the numbers game and accomplished that.
RATING: *

-JB is with Jeff Jarrett and they discuss Angle’s interview in the UK Sun. Jarrett says he will address it right now. He leaves to go to the ring.

-ODB complains to Brooks about what happened. Brooks says she can have a tag match later tonight if she finds a partner. But she cannot have Kong, Roxxi or Wilde. ODB slaps Brooks on the ass, then the tits, and Brooks says her parents must be proud.

-We get a video package for Double J.

~DOUBLE J SPEAKS~
Jarrett says that some people are saying that he will regret facing Angle at Bound for Glory since he hasn’t been in the ring in so long. Those people don’t know Jeff Jarrett. His whole career his back has been against the wall, when he started as a skinny punk kid, he had the heart, but they said he was too small to make it. Over 6-years ago people called him crazy when he started TNA. Hundred’s have gone in the grave battling the machine up north. Those people didn’t know Jeff Jarrett. TNA is stronger then ever today. No one person will ever take down TNA. Angle was supposed to be promoting TNA, but instead he made negative comments about the company, aired dirty laundry. Well he can play at that game as well. Jarrett reads some parts from the interview. “Olympic Kurt Hero is considering options when his contract ends next year.” Jarrett continues to read, “Vince is the most intelligent and successful promoter of all time. We have a respect, we know how good each other is, and no one can break that bond, not even Jeff Jarrett. It is like a father/son bond.” Now that you know we have a match, you don’t want to be here anymore. You said we freed you from that living hell. 2-years ago you did an interview, 2-years ago, but I didn’t air it, because I wanted to protect you and TNA. Well I changed my mind. Check the screen and let’s watch the interview. The interview shows Angle discussing him being pissed and wanting to beat Vince, he has his head up his ass and he dared him to strike him. “Vince is a piece of crap. I will Knock Vince on his ass, watch what I do in TNA Vince, you’re dead to me. You will be kissing my ass two-years from now.” Ouch. Jarrett says he just broke the bond. At Bound for Glory, Jarrett will beat his ass so bad, even Pappa Vince won’t take you back!

-JB catches up with Angle, and tells him about the interview Jeff just showed. Angle is OFFENDED and wants to rip off Jarrett’s head. JB also says Cornette wants to see him right now.

Monster’s Ball Qualifying Match: Motor City Machineguns (Sabin and Shelley) vs. LAX (Hernandez y Homicide)

Alex and Cide to begin. Counters, off the ropes and a belly to back suplex by Cide. Tag to Cide, dump suplex by Hernandez and a clothesline by Cide gets a cover for 2. Bear hug by Hernandez, escape by Alex and a tag to Sabin. A shoulder block by Hernandez and then another. Sabin with a kick to Hernandez, rolls up the body of Hernandez for a RANA but eats a back breaker, cover for 2. Stalling suplex stopped by the Guns, they try a double suplex but Hernandez suplexes them both. Tag to Cide, corkscrew elbow and a cover for 2. Alex with a kick to Cide, dropkick by Sabin and Cide to the floor. Suicide dive by Sabin and he wipes out Cide. Back in and a tag to Alex, corner attack by the Guns and then a double basement dropkick and a cover for 2 by Alex. Tag back to Sabin, Alex knocks Hernandez to the floor but Cide slams the Guns together. Tag to Hernandez, backdrop to Sabin. Overhead toss to Alex. Press slam on Sabin is countered, but Hernandez gets a cracker jack for 2 as Alex makes the save. Forearms by Alex, Hernandez then eats an Enziguri by Sabin. Cide in and then a double-team DDT/Flatliner on LAX gets 2. Sidekick by Alex, sliced bread countered and Cide gets a Gringo Cutter. Cide and Alex to the floor, Sabin superkicks Hernandez and then springboards in, caught, SIT OUT MEX BOMB and that is all.

Winners: LAX @ 6:00 via pin

I thought Monster’s Ball was an invitational, so why are we having a qualifying match? The match was “fine,” but it just feels as if they were going through the motions out there. No sizzle. I figure that the Guns will get tossed into the Steel Asylum Match.
RATING: **

-Alex begs off and says shit is cool and then when LAX turns their backs, he flips them off. DAMN YOU ALEX SHELLEY!

-We get a rough cuts segment on Roxxi, specifically when she got her head shaved.

-JB is in Cornette’s office with Angle. Cornette says the comments were not good. Angle is a big money ball player, and because of that he if fined $25,000. Angle says he will stick the $25,000 up Jarrett’s ass.

-We get a video package for Suicide.

X-Division Title Match: Sheik Abdul Bashir © vs. Jimmy Rave w/Hemme and Rock vs. Eric Young

Bashir and Rave attack Young to begin, and then Rave gets tossed to the steel post. A whip to the corner, float over by Young, but Bashir with a back suplex for 2. Chin lock by Bashir, Young works to get to his feet and escapes, tosses Bashir to the floor but Rave is back in with the tilt a whirl into the arm bar. Young out, jawbreaker on rave, Bashir back in and they all brawl. Clothesline by Young, a slam to Bashir and a cover for 2. Rave to the floor, boot by Young to Bashir and then a slam. Young up top, MISSES the moonsault. Bashir gets the WMD, and demands Sewell count, and he does and that is all.

Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir @ 3:00 via pin

It was a 3-minute match, it was fine for the time they got but they really need to dedicate more time to a title match because it came off way to rushed.
RATING: *½

-After the match Bashir demands that Sewell raise his hand, he does and Bashir makes him flinch with a fake punch. That’s it. Bashir owes him two for flinching, at least that’s how it worked when I was in high school. But that was 13-years ago, so adjusting for inflation, that would be like, 2.75 punches.

-JB is with Lethal, Cage and AJ. Cage says it is like this, ask Machismo, give him the spotlight. Lethal says thanks for letting him run with the big dogs. He may have lost to Booker, but he realized he took Booker to the limits, he learned from their match, and tonight this kid takes out a legend, OHHH YEAH! AJ then asks if he and Cage are cool, Cage says he is the champ, and that he is always cool.

Team 3D and Booker T w/Sharmell and Briefcase vs. Black Machismo, AJ Styles and Christian Cage

Machismo and Booker to begin, they trade shots, off the ropes and a hip toss, cartwheel and basement dropkick by Machismo gets 2. Rights and a back elbow by Booker, tag to Ray and he just clubs away at Machismo. We’ll head to a commercial @ 1:30.

Back from commercial @ 5:30, Cage with chops to Booker, tag to AJ and he delivers rights to Booker. Corner clothesline, tag to Machismo and he gets a top rope ax smash. Chops by Machismo, knee by Booker and Machismo tries to fight off 3D, but they pull him down and crotch him on the steel post. Sucks to be him. Superkick by Booker and a cover gets 2. Tag to Devon, head butt to Machismo and then just beats him down. Off the ropes and a spinning back elbow connects, cover again for 2. Devon clamps on the chin lock, Machismo tries to fight out, he gets to his feet and elbows out. Devon slams him down, tag back to Ray and he gets elbows to the top of the head of Machismo. Elbow drop to the balls as the ref was distracted, tag to Devon and after a back elbow Machismo is able to get a leg lariat, BOTH men are down. Tag to Cage and Ray, Cage on fire with rights. Nails Devon, eats a big boot and then off the ropes and a double clothesline by Cage. He avoids a corner splash, Ray on the 2nd rope, Cage up with him and a RANA follows! 1…2…NO! Devon and AJ in and to the floor they go. HUGE backdrop on Cage, and then on Machismo! Ray then gets one on AJ, but then AJ and Machismo backdrop Ray, Cage up top and gets a big cross body for 2. Booker nails Machismo with the briefcase, AJ wipes out Devon with a plancha. Cage rolls up Booker, Ray distracts the ref, AJ in and but we get miscommunication, AJ hits Cage with the superman forearm after Ray moves, and Booker pins Cage.

Winners: Team 3D and Booker T @ 12:00 via pin

This had more energy than anything else on the show, and was a fun little match. The end plays perfectly into the angle they have been building with AJ, Cage and Booker, so all is well.
RATING: **½

-After the match AJ helps up Cage, AJ wants a hug but Cage refuses. They argue a bit; damn, I thought those crazy kids would make it.

-JB is with Angle, who is trying to break into Jarrett’s office. Angle is pissed and says he will stick the money up Jarrett’s ass. He really wants to stick something in Jarrett’s ass. Not gay at all.

-Tenay met with Joe and Sting earlier today. Sting says on 2001 WCW ended, so when he got a call from Jarrett, he came back because he thought these wrestlers would take wrestling into the future. He was wrong. Joe asks why he is so concerned, since he has supposedly done everything he wanted too. Because he is afraid of the future. Sting says that Joe and AJ shouldn’t so what they have to Angle and Booker, but Joe says that he is just doing what they did to him. Joe then says Sting is never there for the fans, but Sting says he hasn’t been coasting. Joe respects what he WAS, Joe just handle things a bit differently. Sting then says talking is over, it is time to walk the aisle. Joe says he will walk it, but they will be rolling Sting out.

-Lauren is with Morgan and Abyss. Abyss says the asylum is for crazy people, does he look crazy? He rambles on, and Morgan says Abyss just has to wrestle, Morgan will take care of the weapons. Morgan says that that they are unstoppable, and they are the future of tag team wrestling. Size does matter. Morgan pump up Abyss and that’s that.

~BEER MONEY SPEAKS~
BEER MONEY comes to the ring! Storm has a BEER HOLSTER around his tag title belt! Roode is sporting a sweet hat as well. He says Beer Money along with Jackie’s boobs are the tag team champions, and they are alive and doing well, thanks for asking. But some people are not doing so well. The little wench Salinas, who had a “talk” with Jackie, and no one has heard from her since. And then there is Hector Guerrero, who has been forced back to the announce booth. That’s where his old Latino ass belongs. It’s nice to see you Hector, not! Beer Money has an open invitation for ANY TAG TEAM IN THE WORLD from anywhere! Team 3D makes their way out, and before they can talk, Abyss and Morgan make their way out as well. LAX is now out, and says they only have a beef with Beer Money. Cornette is now out and says before this blows up like a Meth Lab, Beer Money better not let their alligator mouth’s overload their humming bird asses. Tremendous, Cornette then makes Monster’s Ball a 4-way Tag Team Title match. Cornette says he doesn’t know who, but he figures that someone will beat Beer Money.

-ODB says she has found a partner, look behind you and meet her. It’s Rhaka Khan.

The Beautiful People (Angelina Love and Velvet Sky) w/Cute Kip vs. ODB and Rhaka Khan

Sky and ODB to begin. Sky tries to attack from behind, but she gets beat down for her efforts. Tag to Khan and Sky runs to the floor. Kip primps her hair, Khan grabs both of them by the hair, drags them in and then clotheslines them down. They roll to the floor, Khan licks herself and I think ODB approves. Kip is in, and he is just as tall as her. Sky tries to sneak in, Khan beats her down. Tag to ODB, off the ropes and a reversal, Love trips up ODB and that allows Sky to take control. Rights from Sky, tag to Love and they get the double team elbow drop. Love tries to rip off ODB’s nose and bites her! YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE SHE HAS BEEN! Tag back to Sky, kicks to ODB and then a cover for 2. Sky mounts her, yes thank you, and then tags in Love again. Double team boots to ODB, off the ropes and ODB fights back, boot, clothesline and then she slaps her own ass and tags in Khan. Khan with rights and sloppy kicks, she’s a house of mild. She does the standing split leg drop dealy that Melina uses, but does it very badly and gets the win.

Winners: ODB and Rhaka Khan @ 5:00 via pin

Wow, that sucked.
RATING: DUD

-Kip and the beautiful People attack after the match, Rhino is out to make the save. He clears the ring and that is that.

~FOLEY…~
Foley is sporting the leather vest, no flannel. Crowd loves Foley. It’s an honor for him to stand in the same ring, where a few short minutes ago CUTE KIP just stood, thank you! This is a huge night for him, one of the biggest in his career, and he wants to thank us all in the Impact Zone and at home. Especially all of those that just tuned in from the vice presidential debate. He thanks SPIKE TV, and wants to thank Jeff Jarrett for having the faith to bring him here, but to refer to him as the greatest acquisition in TNA History. He also wants to thank someone special, because the moment wouldn’t be possible without him. Vince McMahon. He thanks Vince for the opportunities and for making the decision to leave WWE an easy one.

Kurt Angle breaks this up and makes his way to the ring. Foley says he didn’t even get a chance to say thanks but no thanks on the bridge to nowhere. Angle is sorry to bust this up, but JJ pissed him off. He embarrassed him by showing a 2-year old interview and fine him $25,000. JJ said Foley was the greatest acquisition in TNA history, well, JJ is full of shit and so are all the fans that buy into the crap. 2-weeks ago JJ said that Angle lost everything, and he is right, he did lose everything. JJ said he lost the title, he’s right. His gold medal, he’s right. He lost his wife, well Jeff, I am not the only one to lose his wife. As far as Foley is concerned, what did he ever do? This is Angle’s ring, he carried the company, alone for 2-years. Foley says he will not listen to Angle say he carried the company. How dare he diminish the accomplishments of Joe and AJ. Foley knows who was doing the heaviest lifting. The main reason Foley is here. He didn’t want to hear a millionaire say “SAY IT, SAY IT, SAY IT DAMNIT” every week. He got to call great matches, he saw HBK vs. Jericho, Edge vs. Taker, even HHH and Cena. And then he got to thinking about Angle, but not only had he tore the house down with all of those guys, but you defeated them at all. Maybe JJ was wrong about Angle and him, Angle was the greatest acquisition to TNA. Hell, you may even be the best performer ever in wrestler. But I THINK you are, but I do NOT know. I need to be that close to the action once again to see if it is true. Angle ask if he will replace West, go ahead, he’s replaceable. Foley says he didn’t come to take his place, no Kurt, he will figure it out, but he will need to be a bit closer, next to the action. Angle asks if Foley wants to be in his corner for the PPV, and Foley says no, at Bound for Glory, he will be granted the power to be the special enforcer in the Angle vs. JJ match. Kurt, read my lips, it’s true, it’s damn true!

*End scene…