411’s WWE Velocity Report 07.26.03

From out the darkness comes a plea for retribution; injustices must be made right. All those who break in the face of adversity must be held accountable for their sins. Crimes against man are to be paid for; flesh with flesh, death with death. Fear not if ye be the righteous for this is not yet your hour, but those among us with the blackness in their hearts, their clocks tick no more. Let the heavens scream “VENGEANCE IS MINE!”

DOC MIDNIGHT
Like that teaser? I liked it enough to rip it off from the July 20, 2002 Velocity Report (Velocity #9)!
My thanks to TERRY GANT for last week’s fill-in. I will never look at Bad Boys II the same way again. Actually, I’ll just never look at it, period, but that’s beside the point. Thanks, Doc!

VELOCITY #62
So much speculation went into this week’s show. Would Velocity and Heat switch places? Would Alex Obal and I switch shows? Would anyone notice? Well the waiting is over. Save your nail biting for some other panic-inducing psychological problem; we’ve got our answer straight from WWE.com:

This week’s Velocity kicks off less than 24 hours before the start of Vengeance — the July SmackDown! pay-per-view extravangza. We’ll be counting down to Vengeance this week on Velocity, and taking a look at many of the matches on top for this Sunday night.

Take it away Josh & Ernest! Or at least, take me away. Take me back to San Diego and back to the lovely Amber B.

MATCH #1: NUNZIO v. ORLANDO JORDAN
Referee: Mike Sparks

Waist lock by Nunzio. Reversal by Jordan. Reversal by Nunzio then into a headlock. Jordan sends Nunzio to the ropes. Leapfrog by Jordan and then a backwards leap frog, too. Back body drop by Jordan. Johnson shuffle and a drop kick by Jordan and a cover for a 2-count. Armbar by Jordan. Fireman’s carry while still holding the armbar. Nunzio works to his feet and whip’s Jordan to the corner. Missed splash by Nunzio. Arm drag by Jordan. Nunzio says his hair was pulled! Dammit Sparks, stay on top of that! Nunzio backs Jordan to the corner. Nunzio climbs to the outer apron and guillotine’s Jordan on the top rope. Slingshot elbow over the top rope by Nunzio for a 2-count. Snapmare by Nunzio and he digs his knee into the back of Jordan’s neck. Nunzio goes to the ropes for a running neckbreaker but Jordan resists. Nunzio turns it into a waist lock by Jordan rolls thru into a cover for a 2-count. Mule kick by Nunzio for 2. Head scissors by Nunzio. Nunzio uses the ropes for leverage but Sparks breaks the hold. Jordan works to his feet with Nunzio on his shoulders and hits an electric chair. Both men down but Sparks only makes it to “two” before they’re back up. They trade blows. Both men are knocked backwards to the ropes. Jordan comes back with a diving forearm. Pancake by Jordan for a 2-count. Whip to the corner by Jordan and he charges. Nunzio gets an elbow up. Power slam by Jordan for a 2-count. Jordan sits Nunzio on the top rope. Nunzio hits a drop kick from up there. Nonchalant cover by Nunzio for a 2-count and Nunzio is busted open over his left eye. Jordan ducks a punch and hits Black Ice, which I cannot describe because the camera angle changed in the middle of it and I have no idea what the move actually is, but he then pinned Nunzio. Like a sit-down jaw-breaker, maybe?

WINNER: Orland Jordan (5:18)

Sable is hosting Slammin’ Saturday Night.

WrestleMania Recap: WM VII, 1991. Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker, as called by Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon. I miss you both, guys.

RECAP: Eddie Guerrero barks at Chris Benoit.

EXTREME BLAST OF THE NIGHT: Something to do with Torrie, Billy Gunn and Jamie Noble, but I wasn’t really watching it.

MATCH #2: KANYON v. RYAN SAKODA
Referee: Mike Chioda

A boot to the gut and a punch from Kanyon. Another punch and a whip by Kanyon. Baseball slide into an arm drag by Sakoda. Another armdrag by Sakoda into an armbar. Off the ropes shoulder block by Sakoda and a 2-count. Backslide by Sakoda for a 2-count. Cross body by Sakoda for a 2-count. Kanyon falls on his ass in the corner, telling Chioda to, “Back him off.” Boot to the gut and a punch in the corner by Kanyon. Another punch. Second rope bulldog by Kanyon. 2-count on Sakoda. Sakoda rolls to the outer apron. Superplex over the ropes by Kanyon for a 2-count. Sakoda staggers to the corner. Kanyon charges. Sakoda gets a foot up. Sakoda pulls Kanyon to the corner and stomps away at him. Reversed whip by Kanyon. Leap frog by Sakoda. Kanyon blocks a hip toss and counters with a neck breaker. 2-count on Sakoda. Sidewalk slam by Kanyon for a 2-count. Chin lock by Kanyon. Sakoda elbows out and hits the ropes but Kanyon applies a sleeper. Suplex by Sakoda to escape. They trade punches. Whip by Sakoda into a back elbow. And another back elbow. Russian leg trip (not sweep) by Sakoda for a 2-count. Sakoda goes to the top rope and jumps off. Kanyon catches him and hits the Flatliner for the pin.

WINNER: Kanyon (5:07)

RECAP: Cena and Stephanie.

RUNDOWN: Of the PPV matches. You already know what they are so I see know need to repeat them.

REACP: Lesnar, Angle, Gowan, Show, Haas, Benjamin, my Sofa.

BURN OF THE NIGHT: Kidman & Mysterio securing their Tag Team match for Vengeance.

MATCH #3: SPANKY & FUNAKI v. THE BASHAM BROS. (w/ SHANIQUA)
Referee: Brian Hebner

Collar & elbow tie-up, our first of the evening, by Funaki & Danny. Waist lock by Funaki. Elbow to the face by Danny. Danny works over the arm. Trip by Danny and he hyper-extends the shoulder. Funaki works up but Danny keeps his grip. Three two-footed kicks by Funaki finally breaks Danny’s grip. Schoolboy by Funaki for a 1-count. Reversed whip by Danny into a head scissors by Funaki. Knee by Danny and he tags in Doug. Drop kick to the knee by Funaki. Armbar by Funaki and he tags in Spanky. Knee to the elbow by Spanky from the top rope. Drop toe by Funaki. Chin lock by Spanky and Funaki hits the sit out drop kick to the face. Nice Taka reference, Josh! 2-count on Doug. Spanky keeps working the shoulder. Whip by Doug. Baseball slide by Spanky and an elbow to the face. Reversed cross corner whip by Doug and he charges. Leap frog by Spanky. Spanky runs up Doug and kicks his face. Heel kick by Spanky for a 2-count. Shades of Tiger Mask, says Josh. Doug ducks under a whip and catches a Spanky kicks. Doug flips Spanky. Spanky lands on his feet and ducks a clothesline. Shaniqua grabs Spanky’s foot. Danny kicks Spanky out of the ring. Shaniqua rolls Spanky back in and the Basham’s double-team him. Clothesline and a cover on Spanky for a 2-count. Clothesline by Danny (no tag was made) and he tags in Doug for a double team face buster. 2-count on Spanky. Clubbing forearms by Doug. Scoop slam by Doug followed by a second rope elbow drop for a 2-count. Spanky made it to the ropes. Boot choke by Doug followed by the boot choke by Danny. One of these guys needs a goatee because I cannot tell them apart. Elbow drop by Danny for another 2-count. Cross arm choke by Danny, using Spanky’s own arm. Spanky fights up and ponds on each Basham in the corner. Hair pull by, uh, a Basham. Meat curtain by the Basham’s and a cover. Funaki breaks it up. Whip to the corner by a Basham and he charges. Knee to Spanky’s face. Tag. Chin lock by Basham. Like a Million Dollar Dream. Spanky fights out but Basham pounds him into the corner. Jaw breaker by Spanky and he tries for a tag but Doug (Thanks, Josh) drags him back. Single leg drop kick by Spanky and he finally makes the tag to Funaki. Forearm to one Basham. Drop kick to another Basham. Enziguri to a third, uh, or whatever. Funaki is a man-afire! Whip by Basham. Funaki hops behind and hits a bulldog for a 2-count. Danny broke up the count. Missile drop kick by Spanky. Forearms by Spanky. Knee to the gut by Basham. Suplex by Basham. Funaki catches Spanky and they hit a double drop kick on Basham. Doug distracts Funaki while Danny whips Spanky to the corner. Shaniqua pulls Spanky out and rams him into the steel steps. Back in the ring the Basham’s hit poor Funaki with the Ball and Gag for the pin.

WINNER: The Basham Bros. (7:03)

-360 VELOCITY
Last year this week…
1. Billy & Chuck (w/ Rico) beat Shannon Moore and the Hurricane
2. Tajiri beat the RETURNING Mike Awesome.
3. Jamie Noble (w/ Nidia) retained his Cruiserweight Championship against Billy Kidman
4. Hardcore Holly beat Rico (w/ Billy & Chuck)

JAKKED JUKEBOX
Last year at this time I was listening to:
GALACTIC COWBOYS The Horse That Bud Bought
This year it’s:
KISS Alive IV
Sadly disappointing for as good as it could be.

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS GOING ON?
It’s a PPV weekend so that means PK has a Vengeance Roundtable up somewhere and I’m in it! And maybe W. DAL BUSH is in it too, but I don’t know for sure. Wait, this just in! The Roundtable is up and Dal’s in it! And funnier than me, dammit!! Cut that shit out, Bush!

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
This marks my last Year Two column. Seriously, it’s been that long. How do I plan to celebrate? By taking the next two weeks off. Don’t worry; I’m sure to ask someone (or two) to fill-in, I just haven’t, yet. Jimmy? Mike Lee? Terry? George? Thad? Anyone?
See you in a few!