wrestling / TV Reports
Cook’s WWE Royal Rumble Review
Image Credit: WWE
Loading...Hey kids! It’s the thirty-fifth edition of the Royal Rumble PPV, which means that the event is old enough to run for President of the United States. Perhaps there is a future President on this card, given the way things have gone the past few years one never really knows. Anyway, the Rumble is usually good for some surprises & fun, so I fired up the Peacock on a Saturday night (not the usual Sunday night Royal Rumble) in January and had at it.
Cook’s 2022 WWE Royal Rumble Review
-Live from St. Lous, Missouri and The Dome at America’s Center with over 40,000 folks in attendance. Michael Cole, Pat McAfee & his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat are on the call for our opening match.
WWE Universal Championship Match: Roman Reigns (c) vs. Seth “Freakin” Rollins: Seth does the old school Shield entrance, even wearing his Shield outfit. That’s good shit. Roman seems all hot & bothered, so he goes right to the waistlock like all fighters do when they’re pissed. Rollins has the early advantage though, hitting the Slingblade & clotheslining Roman to the outside. Now the repeated tope suicidas. Back in the ring, Seth jumps into a punch, and now it’s Big Dog time. Drive-By. On the outside, Rollins decides he’s going to powerbomb Reigns through the table. Or a Shieldbomb, result’s the same either way. Froggy splash gets two. Rollins registers a mild amount of disbelief. He goes up for the Phoenix Splash, takes a little too much time though. Roman’s attempt at a spear in response gets met with a knee, then the buckle bomb. Stomp! Only gets two, and that gets more disbelief from Rollins & the crowd. I had a feeling Roman wasn’t losing in 5 minutes, but that’s just me. Rollins sets up another Stomp, but runs into a clothesline instead. Reigns lands numerous punches to the consternation of Charles Robinson. Rollins gets powerbombed for a two count. Reigns takes exception to Rollins’ laughing, but then gets put in a triangle choke. Reigns powerbombs his way out of it. They go outside and Rollins gets tossed over the barricade, then into the stairs. Seth picked a good night to wear his Shield outfit. Superman punch gets a two count back in the ring. Rollins rolls out of the ring, so Reigns rolls out and eventually spears him. Roman poses & goes for the spear, but Seth reverses with a modified Pedigree for the two count. Rollins pumps up the crowd now with the burn it down stomps. They enter into a series of strikes & reversals culminating with a spear from Reigns. Rollins still be laughing, and he wants a fistbump! He’ll always love Roman! Reigns pauses to ponder the moment, then locks in the guillotine choke. Rollins reaches for the ropes, and finally makes it just before he passes out. Reigns refuses to break the hold, and Charles Robinson has no choice but to disqualify the champion.
Winner: Seth Rollins (14:25 via disqualification)
Match Rating: ***3/4
Roman’s still very displeased after finally releasing the hold, and gets a chair to re-enact the Shield breakup angle. One time to the back, then several more times. As I said earlier, a good night for Rollins to wear his Shield gear for protection. Roman throws the chair aside, then gets it again so he can keep wearing Rollins out. Reigns finally leaves, and I keep waiting for Rollins to start laughing again, but he doesn’t.
I get the feeling most people won’t like the finish, as we’re trained to not like finshes that aren’t clean. I dug it as a way to keep the story going. Not that the story with these two will ever end, unless one of them were to go to a rival promotion or something like that. Good story to the match, and some good in-ring work as well. This should keep going.
Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton are here for the next match.
30-Woman Royal Rumble Match: Sasha Banks is the #1 entrant for the women’s Royal Rumble match. I would say that doesn’t speak well for her chances, but Edge won the darn thing last year from #1, and Bianca was like #3. So maybe that means she’s winning. She’s also dressed as Sailor Moon, which I’m sure has a segment of the audience heading to their bunks. Melina is #2 & the paparazzi is still taking her pictures however many years later. She looks to be in game shape. Sasha & Melina talk a ton of smack and do a ton of posing, which is as good a way as any to stall. Melina gets dumped out pretty much immediately & Sasha does a splits of her own. #3 is Tamina, who get met with a Meteora on the floor. Tamina avoids getting tossed out, but Sasha continues with the offense in the ring until getting headbutted by a islander. Kelly Kelly is #4. Sasha barely avoids elimination, Kelly runs right down to get her some of Tamina. Some old school diva booty dancing by Kelly gets met with a Northern lariat from Tamina. Kelly does Candice Michelle’s old move with the ropes, but that results in Sasha dumping her to the floor. Aliyah is #5, and she faces off with Sasha. Tamina takes exception to Aliyah removing her own shirt. Liv Morgan is #6, and she’s in a rush to get down there. Liv nearly eliminates Sasha, but Tamina puts an end to that. Liv still wants some of Sasha, and gets both Sasha & Aliyah down in the corner so she can point at the WrestleMania sign. Queen Zelina is #7. Kelly apparently went outta here at some point. Tamina lifts Sasha onto the apron, and Zelina boots Sasha off! Relatively short night for the Boss, but what can ya do. Bianca Belair is #8, and that’s a good number for her. Liv gets knocked onto the apron, but is holding on even after Bianca handspring kicked her. Dana Brooke is #9, looking to unify the 24/7 title with one of the women’s championships. Dana tries to lift some people outta here, but it doesn’t work out for her. Reggie is still at ringside for reasons. Lots of clubbering going on between the women while Bianca tries to press Aliyah over the top rope. Liv comes over to make things more difficult as Michelle McCool is #10. Ah, Reggie is here so he can catch Dana and keep her in the match. McCool with the Faithbreaker to Morgan. Brooke jumps into a boot, and Dana gets eliminated this time.
Sonya Deville is #11, You would think she could have gotten a better number if she was really an abuser of power. She chooses to keep her jacket on and join the announcers. Sonya has kind words for Bianca & Liv as the clock ticks down, and Natalya is #12. Liv meets Nattie, Bianca tries to eliminate Tamina. Natalya tries to eliminate both, but only succeeds in eliminating Tamina. Cameron is #13. Somebody call her momma! Sonya is informed that Cameron & Naomi are friends, so Sonya removes her jacket and goes right after Cameron. Sure enough, Sonya gets Cameron right outta there. Shockingly, Naomi is #14. I think we all saw that coming except for Sonya. Naomi goes to town on Sonya and sends her over the top rope and outta there. Natalya attacks Naomi from behind and gets stunned for her trouble. Carmella is #15, to the joy of Corey, Zelina and not many others. Carmella goes to chat with the announcers while muiltiple eliminations are teased but not done. Rhea Ripley is #16. She grabs Carmella from ringside and rolls her into the ring. Carmella & Zelina work Rhea over, with some help from Natalya. Rhea responds & eliminates the Tag Team Champions. Everybody else gets similar treatment. Charlotte Flair is #17, which seems like a favorable number for her. Natalya barely hanging in there while Charlotte runs in and starts clearing some of the deadwood. Aliyah’s out. Naomi gets chopped, then falls to the floor. Might have been some assistance from Sonya there, not sure. Sonya should probably put her jacket back on so she can be an official again. Ivory is #18, and she’s still repping the Right To Censor. She sees a lot of wayward, lost little girls. She wants to see women taking care of their families, but Rhea dumps her out of the ring. How dare her! Brie Bella is #19 and Brie Mode is in full effect. The crowd chants “Yes”. Brie goes at it with Natalya while Bianca & Rhea combine to try & eliminate Charlotte. Mickie James is #20, and is all about that Hardcore Country thing. Michelle McCool goes right after her, but Mickie ends up ranaing Michelle out of the Rumble. Finally some revenge for that Piggy James business.
Alicia Fox is #21 and gets some height on her dropkicks. Axe kick to Mickie before Alicia & Natalya renew old hostilities. I assume they had issues at some point. Nikki A.S.H. is #22. Rhea turns her back on everybody in the ring and looks at the ramp, allowing Nikki to attack from behind. The plot to eliminate Rhea fails at first, so Nikki bails outside while Charlotte goes after Rhea. Nikki goes back in only for Bianca to nearly eliminate her. Summer Rae is #23, and she goes right after Natalya. They exchange slaps before Summer gains the advantage with a kick. Charlote knocks Summer down, and Natalya takes advantage of that for the elimination. Charlotte tries to dump Natalya out, but Natalya’s still in it. Nikki Bella is #24, and she goes right after Bianca. Natalya gets slammed down. Brie rescues Nikki from a slam, and the Bellas faceplant Bianca. Alicia tries to join in the fun, but gets eliminated instead. Sarah Logan is #25, and looks a bit more feral than she used to. Sarah doesn’t last too long before the Bellas dump her out. Liv tries a crossbody, but ends up on the apron and outta there. Some people that thought Liv was winning this and going to WrestleMania gonna be mad about that. Lita is #26. Mickie hasn’t forgotten their past and goes after Lita, but ends up getting DDTed out of the match. Lita & Charlotte go at it. Mighty Molly is #27 and we’ve got multiple superheroes in this match. Nikki attacks Molly due to her jealousy. Molly gets sent headfirst into the steps. Nikki dumps Molly out in short order. Ronda Rousey is #28 and not dressed in her traditional fight attire, but she sure looks angry. The Peacock stream gets all jumpy for the first time tonight as Rousey starts eliminating people. Nikki A.S.H. & Bella end up biting the dust. Brie helped her sister leave the match, and gets beat up by Ronda for her troubles. Shotzi is #29, which is a hell of a draw in a match without Ronda Rousey. She goes to town on all in her path while Ronda dumps Brie outta there. Lita & Shotzi go at it while Ronda goes after Rhea & Bianca. Shayna Baszler is #30, and starts teaming with Ronda.
Shayna hits a slam on Lita & goes after Natalya. Shotzi’s night comes to an end thanks to Ronda, as does Natalya’s thanks to Bianca. Natalya re-enters the ring to get eliminated again. What an odd duck. Lita hits the Twist of Fate on Charlotte. Lita ranas Ripley, but misses in the corner. She teases the moonsault, but Ripley avoids it, and Charlotte ends up eliminating Lita. Rousey with a armbar variation on Ripley. Charlotte nearly eliminates both, ends up knocking Ripley out but not Rousey. Bianca, Charlotte, Ronda & Shayna are the final four. Charlotte does the Flair flip onto the apron, but manages to hang in there. Shayna & Bianca go at it, resulting in Charlotte eliminating both of them when Bianca goes for the KOD. Down to Ronda & Charlotte. They stare each other down. They finally go at it, and about fifteen seconds later, Rousey maneuvers Charlotte out.
Winner: Ronda Rousey (59:40)
Match Rating: ***
Ronda points at the WrestleMania sign as it explodes with pyro. (Apparently the pyro got a bit out of hand there, which isn’t too surprising considering how much there seemed to be.) I’m sure the complaint will be made that somebody regular should have won, but the simple fact is that people care more when Rousey is involved. Gotta do what brings the eyeballs. The question, of course, is which of Becky & Charlotte gets the rub of working with her again.
WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match: Becky Lynch (c) vs. Doudrop: Doudrop is a bit bigger & stronger than Becky, which comes in handy early. She’s not as fast though, which Becky can use to her advantage. It’s the power of Doudrop early, and the back senton sends Becky outside. Doudrop’s cannonball into the steps changes the momentum for Becky. Becky locks in a sleeper. Doudrop gets out of it, but misses in the corner. Becky stomps away as she talks some trash. Doudrop slaps Becky down and hits a back suplex. Back senton gets two. Doudrop misses the crossbody, and Becky locks in the Disarmer. Doesn’t have it totally locked in, but goes to the cross armbreaker and kicks to the face. Doudrop powers out and hits the sitout powerbomb for two. Doudrop with a splash in the corner and a cannonball gets two. They sure love showing Doudrop moves in slow motion. A Vader bomb gets nothing but knees. Becky hits the ol’ Molly-Go-Round for a two count. Becky with all kinds of forearms to Doudrop, misses a stomp and Doudrop with some headbutts. Becky regains the advantage & legdrops Doudrop down to the mat for two. Doudrop blocks the Manhandle Slam and hits the Rikishi Driver for two. Doudrop keeps trying to go for that Vader bomb, it becomes her downfall as Becky hits the Manhandle slam off the middle rope for three.
Winner: Becky Lynch (13:00 via pinfall)
Match Rating: **1/4
Bit of a foregone conclusion here. Seems like Doudrop would have been better served as a Rumble competitor, as she would have been tough to get out of the ring.
WWE Championship Match: Brock Lesnar (c) (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Bobby Lashley (w/MVP): They sure did a job hyping this one up. Lengthy collar & elbow tieup doesn’t lead to much. Lesnar hits a German suplex, Lashley pops back up. Lashley hits a German suplex of his own. Lesnar responds with two German suplexes. Lashley with some punches, Lesnar goes for the F-5 but it’s blocked and Lashley hits the spear. Another spear sends Brock outside. Lashley tries a third, but Lesnar evades it, leaving Lashley to spear his way through a barricade. Lashley does send Lesnar into the ringpost and back into the ring. Lashley misses a spear in the corner. Lesnar with another German suplex. One more, and it looks like Brock wants to do a third. There it is. Lesnar just suplexing Lashley repeatedly. Lashley avoids the F-5 & goes for the Hurt Lock. Lashley holds it for awhile, but eventually Lesnar smashes Lashley into the referee & the corner. Lesnar hits the F-5, but the referee goes down in the process. Roman Reigns makes an appearance to spear Lesnar and stare at Heyman. Heyman…hands Reigns the WWE Championship? Well then. Reigns knocks Lesnar out with the belt, and Heyman walks off with Reigns. Lashley gets the three count and re-gains the WWE Championship.
Winner: Bobby Lashley (10:15 via pinfall)
Match Rating: **1/2
The love triangle takes another twist, with Paul going back to his new daddy Roman and spurning his old daddy Brock. To be fair, it seems like Roman treats him better most of the time. Match was pretty basic stuff, your mileage may vary but it didn’t do much for me. Just one man’s opinion, not looking to make anybody mad. (Certainly not Lesnar or Lashley, they seem like bad people to have mad at you.)
When did Lashley become a babyface, by the way? I catch most of Raw most weeks and missed that development.
Edge & Beth Phoenix vs. The Miz & Maryse: Beth chases Maryse around the ring and Miz ends up winning the ensuing tug of war. Edge gets the upper hand on Miz early, until Maryse gets a shot in on Edge. That Maryse is a tough cookie, I’ve always said it. Miz hits some It Kicks, misses the big one and Edge rolls him up for two. Back/neckbreaker combo gets two for the Miz. Maryse continues to get her shots in, frustrating Beth. Edge hits the Edgecution, kicks Miz out of the ring and tags Beth in. Beth dominates Maryse some. Twisting sidewalk slam gets two thanks to Miz. Beth stares Miz down, then drives him into the corner. The referee yanks Beth off of Miz, while her back is turned, Maryse hits Beth with the brick purse. Only gets two. Maryse poses and makes Beth humble with a camel clutch. Maryse blocks the Glam Slam, Beth blocks the DDT, both women clothesline each other and it seems like time to tag in the men. Miz gets tagged by Edge. They end up on the top rope, and Beth grabs Miz for a powerbomb. Edge comes off with an elbowdrop that gets two. Maryse sends Beth into the steps while Edge faceplants Miz. Edge misses the spear, so Maryse goes to the top rope and ranas Edge. That’s a new one for her. The DDT I remember, she hits that on Beth and Miz hits the skull crushing finale for 2. Poor Miz, that was his best chance. Miz gets speared by Edge & Beth. Double Glam Slams end it.
Winners: Edge & Beth Phoenix (12:30)
Match Rating: ***
Fine little match to give the people what they wanted, which was Edge & Beth beating up Miz & Maryse. It doesn’t always have to be rocket science, sometimes it can be really easy.
30-Man Royal Rumble Match: AJ Styles is #1, and out here doing Shawn Michaels poses. Shinsuke Nakamura is #2, and I’m old enough to remember when the Internet marked out for this like it was Elmo vs. Rocco. They have some of that perfectly acceptable wrestling before Austin Theory comes out at #3. He jumps right into the fray, getting the upper hand on the two veterans. Robert Roode is #4 and he’s got spinebusters to deliver to people. Styles & Roode get a “TNA” chant, which probably isn’t something that was expected tonight. Roode being the first man out? Probably more expected. Theory with a nice backbreaker on Nakamura. #5 is Ridge Holland. Probably not a great draw for him, but he does manage to throw Theory around while Styles eliminates Nakamura. #6 is Montez Ford and he goes right after Styles. Then he does some gymnastics and dropkicks Theory. Holland with a big slam on Ford. That facemask doesn’t seem to be doing him too many favors. Damian Priest is #7, and he’s ready to lay waste to some people. Not ready to eliminate anybody though. Sami Zayn is #8, and pauses before getting attacked by Ford. The fans chant “Olay”, I’m not sure they have any idea what Sami is up to these days on SmackDown. Stuff with Jackass star Johnny Knoxville who is #9 and has some of his friends with him. Wee-Man survived his interaction with Brock Lesnar last night. Knoxville runs down to interact with Sami Zayn. AJ decides he wants to trade shots with Knoxville, and it doesn’t go well for Johnny. My stream pauses as Knoxville takes some offense from the Superstars, and it’s Sami who eliminates Johnny with the Helluva Kick. AJ eliminates Sami as he celebrates. Angelo Hawkins is #10, and now both Street Profits are in there.
#11 happens to be Omos. Not sure about his stamina, but he’s gonna be tough to dump out of the ring. Dawkins takes the tumble out of the ring thanks to Omos. Ford is next. Theory tries something, doesn’t really work. AJ goes after him and gets slung into the ringpost. Styles rolls under the ropes to the floor. Ricochet is #12, and he gets tossed into the lights by Omos. Chad Gable is #13, and is supposed to be an intelligent man, so he rallies the troops against Omos. Priest takes the first shot at Omos, gets clotheslined out of his boots. Priest gets eliminated, then everybody tries to eliminate Omos. Dominik Mysterio is #14 and joins the party. AJ gets a running start and pushes the pile enough to get Omos out. Happy Corbin is #15. He gets rid of Ricochet. Styles manages to stay in, but gets a shot from Corbin. Dolph Ziggler enters his 15th Rumble at #16. Dominik evades Happy Corbin until he gets Deep Sixed and tossed out of the ring. Theory gets eliminated by Styles after 22 minutes. #17 is Sheamus, who won this thing the last time it was in St. Louis. Ridge gets dumped out right in front of Sheamus. Sheamus is not happy with Styles after this. Chad Gable goes after Sheamus, but that doesn’t last long and Sheamus delivers forearms to Styles. Rick Boogs is #18. I didn’t know he had theme music! Boogs military presses Gable out of there. We see a replay since it was missed the first time. Madcap Moss is #19. I also didn’t know he had theme music. Boogs presses Ziggler, but can’t quite get him out. Happy hits Styles with the chokebreaker, and Madcap throws AJ out! 29 minutes for AJ Styles. Riddle is #20. Happy & Madcap doubleteam him right away, but Boogs helps break that up. Boogs is the next one out courtesy of the “Happy Folks”. As good a name for them as any, I suppose.
Drew McIntyre is #21, back from his neck injury. He hits whatever’s in his path, and eliminates Madcap & Happy. Drew beats them up some more outside the ring. He introduces the Happy Folks to the ring steps. Moss gets suplexed on the ring steps. Kevin Owens is #22. He’s happy to fight Drew, as happy as he is to fight anybody else. Cannonball to Ziggler. Riddle gets his foot stomped on. #23 is Rey Mysterio. Rey tries to eliminate Riddle, but that doesn’t happen and he ends up getting stunned by KO. Drew & Sheamus take turns punching Owens. Kofi Kingston is #24 and ready to avoid elimination somehow. He does not, as both feet hit the floor when Owens sends him toward the barricade.. Not sure if they were supposed to or not, but that’s what happened. That’s a bummer! Otis is #25. Goes right after Ziggler, then suplexes Riddle. Otis hits the front slam on Drew for the Academy. #26 is Big E, and lets hope his Rumble stay goes better than Kofi’s. He suplexes Owens & Riddle, then does some hip gyrations before splashing Owens. Sheamus with the Brogue Kick on Big E. Rey gets caught & backbroken by Sheamua. Lucky #27 is Bad Bunny. Bunny cross-bodies Sheamus, then headscissors Owens. Then he hits the Destroyer on Riddle. Sheamus then tries to make him humble, but can’t eliminate him. Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick, misses and gets eliminated by Bad Bunny! Rey tries to make friends with Bad Bunny because of course he would. Ziggler eats the 619 and gets eliminated by Bad Bunny. Bunny then tries to eliminate Rey, then gets stunned by Owens. Rey got eliminated by Otis while Shane McMahon made his entrance at #28. Owens tries to renew his hostilities with Shane, but Shane tosses the big fella out. Shane & Drew go at it in the corner while Big E joins in. Randy Orton is #29, and he must be friends with whoever made the order of the match. RKO for Big E, who gets tossed by RKBro. RKO to Otis, then Riddle hits one on Drew. Otis gets tossed out. Bad Bunny clings on to the bottom rope, keeping his spot in the ring. #30 happens to be Brock Lesnar, who lost his title earlier tonight.
Brock, Randy, Riddle, Shane, Bunny & Drew are the final six. Orton gets eliminated to the dismay of the partisan St. Louis crowd. F-5 for the Bad Bunny, and he’s outta there. Riddle gets chucked into Orton’s lap on the floor. Shane gets clotheslined over the top, and we’re down to Brock & Drew. Drew blocks the F-5, Brock blocks the Claymore. Brock F-5s Drew outta there.
Winner: Brock Lesnar (51:10)
Match Rating: **1/2
Gee, I wonder which champion Brock will choose to face at WrestleMania? The sign explodes again and I’m somewhat surprised they tried that again but not really. Kind of sums up my feelings towards WWE most of the time. I’m a little surprised they do some of things they do, but not really.
-Brock celebrates as the show ends.
