Ring Crew Reviews: WWE Armageddon 2006

• DVD Packaging: Some fire imagery with Kane and UT in the foreground and MVP and Kennedy in the background.

• DVD Presentation: We get the same song from last year and almost every Armageddon, “The End is Here.” The foreground of the menu is more inferno imagery. The background is a mediocre montage. It tries to cover about 15 things (Batista and Cena teaming up, the history of inferno matches, close ups of hearses. UT vs. Kennedy, UT’s legacy, Booka and Finlay’s partnership, etc.) and it’s too generic to accomplish any of them.

• Relevant Storylines: JBL thinks Teddy Long is bloodthirsty. The Brits are afraid of heights. The Miz is not yet awesome. Chavo is money when he brings his working boots. Kennedy aint afraid of the learning tree. Finlay and Booka aren’t sure they can trust each other.

• Scheduled Card:
1. Inferno Match: MVP vs. Kane.
2. WWE Tag Team Championship: Dave Taylor and William Regal vs. Paul London and Brian Kendrick (c).
3. The Miz vs. The Boogeyman.
4. United States Championship: Chavo Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit (c).
5. WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Gregory Helms (c).
6. Last Ride Match: Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker.
7. Finlay and King Booka vs. Batista and John Cena.

• Opening video uses various quotes and definitions of Armageddon from the Bible and John the Baptist to highlight the different inflections of the word and how it applies to each of the three main events: the Inferno match, the Last Ride match, and the tag match. Sounds hokey but it’s cool.

• Holy fucking shit. Our PBP team is JBL and Cole but compared to the three women behind them I could care less. As long as we get a view of them all night, I’m a happy man.

• Inferno Match: MVP vs. Kane. So much for triple main event. For those who don’t know, you win by setting your opponent on fire. The “inferno” is actually connected to the ring, and whenever there’s a heavy bump or fall, the fire shoots up to 6-8 ft high. These matches usually end up sucking because you have two guys trying to have a match without getting set on fire to ruin the ending, where someone is barely set on fire. This feud had a street fight, a cage match, and this. That makes it sound more epic than it was. To start, MVP begs off but Kane Batista kicks him to a massive pop, so massive in fact that it sounds piped in. In the corner, Kane pounds away. He cross corner whips MVP and comes charging in but MVP gets the boot up. MVP goes up top to try to escape but is too afraid. He turns around into a throat thrust. Kane sends MVP off and back body drops him to massive flames around the apron. They jockey over a wristlock. Kane whips him into the turnbuckle again and clubs MVP to the back of the head coming out. Kane gets MVP’s legs and has him in a wheelbarrow position. MVP hand-walks the rest of his body toward the corner and Kane just lets him like they are in a company picnic race. MVP goes up the turnbuckle and Kane lets him fall to the mat. That sucked. Kane puts him on the top rope and follows. MVP knocks him off and hits a flying cross body. MVP pounds him into the corner and hits an Ole/yakuza kick and then clothesline him. Zombie situp at less than 3 minutes in. They trade shots. MVP tries a snapmare that goes nowhere. He switches to working the leg and Kane just gives him a big boot. Choke slam and looks like we’re taking it home. Kane removes the turnbuckle pad and puts it in the fire to set it ablaze. He tries to burn MVP but MVP low blows him and disposes of the pad. He boots Kane and hits a neckbreaker. A few basement dropkicks later and Kane is near the fire. He tries another but whiffs and Kane comes back with a clothesline. Kane pounds away in the corner. He sends MVP across and comes in with a running clothesline and hits a Ho Train. MVP comes out into a side slam. Kane punches some more. He paintbrushes MVP some in the corner to taunt. MVP smacks him and Kane is upset. MVP climbs the top rope again and jumps/is brushed off the top to the announce table. Kane follow with a plancha off the top rope to the outside. They trade waistlocks trying to send each other into the flames. Kane big boots MVP to counter. MVP tries to crawl under the ring to get away but Kane’s not having it. He guzzles MVP and just slowly pushes him into the fire for the win at 8:13. MVP is legit on fire for about 15 seconds running before the refs with fire extinguishers hose him down in the prearranged spot. *3/4 This wasn’t much but props to MVP for taking the burn even if he was wearing a suit. Most of the match, JBL threw little pot shots at Teddy Long for the barbarity of the match concept but post-match he really turns it up a few notches. Good stuff.

• Teddy is with some divas backstage. He says Santa is his guest tonight and he’s having a naughty or nice lingerie match. Meh.

• WWE Tag Team Championship: Dave Taylor and William Regal vs. Paul London and Brian Kendrick (c). This was during the rascals’ almost year long reign that is still one of the longest in WWE history. Teddy comes out and says he’s in the giving mood and changes the match to a ladder match much to the delight of the crowd and almost adds two more teams.

• Ladder Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: The Hardyz vs. MNM vs. Dave Taylor and William Regal vs. Paul London and Brian Kendrick (c). The Hardyz and MNM had a built in feud over the past month wherein they had wrestled against each other in singles matches on RAW and Smackdown and had a very good tag match at December to Dismember, that forgotten ECW pay per view. Big Hardy chant at the bell. Lots of indiscriminate violence early. Hardyz dump MNM and the Rascals dump the Brits. Standoff between the face teams. Matt hip tosses Kendrick. London hits a Frankensteiner on Hardy. Jeff comes back with a jawbreaker. The Hardyz hit a doubleteam wheelbarrow suplex on Kendrick. Cole: “That’s vintage Hardyz.” MNM and the Brits are back in. MNM works over the Hardyz and they take the fight to the floor. The Brits work over the Rascals with European uppercuts. Regal hits a brutal capture exploder suplex on London. Regal then follows up with a half nelson suplex on Kendrick. The Brits dump the Rascals. Meanwhile, the Hardyz and MNM are fighting into the ladders. The story for the next little bit is the Brits trying to keep ladders out of the ring while everyone tries to bring them in. That goes nowhere as Matt gets in and just rams them with a ladder. Everyone back in the ring. Jeff hits Air Hardy on Taylor. MNM follows with the Snapshot. Regal tries to fight back but runs into a double superkick from the Rascals. Matt hits a flying elbow drop on Regal and now they dump the Brits. A dropkick dumps Morrison. Matt whips Kendrick into a ladder that Jeff is ramming into Kendrick and Kendrick eats it hardcore to the floor. London fights back with an inverted atomic drop on Matt and dropkicks Jeff off the ladder. London starts to climb. Morrison eyes a slingshot something but London whips out and Morrison almost eats the ladder head first. That could have been ugly. Mercury in with a ladder and takes out everyone. He sets up the ladder and starts to climb but everyone join forces to pick up the ladder and dump him to the floor (on to Morrison). Matt hits a plancha on Taylor. Kendrick sets up the ladder but Matt whips him out. London dropkicks the Brits back to the floor. The Hardyz whip the Rascals into a set up ladder in the corner. Jeff goes for Air Hardy but London moves and Hardy eats it face first. Kendrick hits a nice leg lariat on Matt. The Rascals both try to climb but Matt pulls both off back to back and lays out London with a neckbreaker. Meanwhile, Regal eats a suplex on the floor. London somersault dropkicks Matt into a prone ladder. Kendrick heads up top and this the double foot stomp onto Matt onto the ladder. MNM back in and they dump the Rascals. Oh no. MNM sets up the ladder seesaw spot. You know what’s coming and you wish you could stop it. MNM perches Jeff on the top rope and tease a suplex but Matt breaks it up. They work on him but Jeff jumps off and legdrops the ladder that seesaws back into Morrison and Mercury. Mercury immediately gushes hard way. His nose is shattered. This is the spot that basically ended Mercury in the WWE. His eye swells up fast. Meanwhile, London backdrop suplex Matt off the ladder. The Brits are back in and they dump everyone. The set up two ladders across the top ropes in the corner. Taylor flapjacks Kendrick onto a ladder. Regal then hits another half nelson suplex on London and he eats it on the ladder. The Brits set up the ladder and Regal starts to climb but begs off citing fear of heights. Taylor does the same. Funny stuff. Matt in and hits a neckbreaker on Taylor. Matt hits the Twist of Fate on Regal as Jeff gets the Tommy Dreamer/Home Depot ladder and sets it up ringside. Another TOF for Taylor. Jeff climbs and teases a swanton but Morrison comes flying in with a suicide dropkick that dumps the ladder and Jeff falls and gets stun gunned on the top rope on the way down and eats it to the floor. That was fucking brutal. Morrison throws a ladder at Taylor then lays out Regal too. He rides the ladder HBK style into Regal. Morrison sets it up and tries to climb but London springboard dropkicks him off the ladder. Matt and Kendrick are up but Matt hiptosses him off the top of the ladder. London’s up and they jockey for position but Matt backdrops him off the top of the ladder. Jeff and Morrison up but Jeff hits the badass MDK/Arabian powerbomb off the top. Matt sets up 2 ladders for some stupid reason but the Brits just pull them apart. Taylor gets Matt in a fireman’s carry and Regal lays him out with a running high knee. The Brits each climb a ladder. Kendrick pulls off Taylor only to be pulled off by Taylor and dumped. London follows with a Cactus clothesline on Taylor and Regal is all alone. Kendrick back in and tries the hits the Acid Drop off the top but it’s sorta botched because there was nowhere for Kendrick to land. London and Matt both up. London wins the slugfest and Matt whips out. London grabs the belts to retain at 20:13.

• In terms of the match itself, what more could you ask for? Some of the ladder set ups didn’t much sense but you had eight guys killing themselves in a non-advertised match. In terms of booking and long term relevancy, it’s insulting to use a match like this with the level of danger as merely a throw away. When the champs retain, it basically raises the question: what was the point with that? Why not use all the carnage and selling to give some new champs a nice moment? It’s just sort of a letdown when after all that you’re back at square one. Besides, I don’t think that the writers didn’t really cared about these titles anyway. They scrambled by throwing the Hardyz and MNM together in this match various times over the latter part of 06 and early 07 as a placeholder feud with no long term plans for any of the involved. ***** for entertainment, *** for historical value. Split the difference and call it ****.

• The Miz vs. The Boogeyman. The Miz gets mic time before the match and actually doesn’t come off as bad as I remember him. He’s pretty close to now except the crowd’s not responding as much, his timing is off as he somewhat rushes, and his catchphrase (“hoo-rah”) has nothing on his current one. Boogeyman does his rooster strut and oozes some worms. He clotheslines Miz and he takes a breather. BM hiptosses Miz back in. He clotheslines him and hits a scoop slam and the crowd is dead. It’s bad when the loudest pop is for your entrance. He whips Miz into the corner and Miz gets the elbow up. He goes for a spear but Miz throws him into the ringpost. Miz works the left arm and clotheslines Boogey for 2. Miz with a single arm DDT for 2. BM fights back with a hair toss and a backdrop. He rushes into the corner but Miz gets the knees up. Crowd is still lifeless. Miz goes up top but jumps into the double handed choke slam and that’s enough for the 3 at 2:50. I envy no one that had to follow that last match but this was typical Boogeyman: all sizzle for the first 20 seconds and no steak. * Post-match, BM and Miz play suck and blow with the worms.

• Vickie and Chavito cut a promo. Vickie says her neck hurts and swears revenge on Benoit for what he did to her.

• United States Championship: Chavo Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit (c). Chavo jumps from behind at the bell. Benoit cuts him off with chops and a running back elbow. Snap suplex gets 2 and Benoit pounds away. High angle backdrop suplex and Benoit follows it up with more elbows and chops in the corner. Benoit sends him off and backdrops him down. Scoop slam and Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter already but Chavo kicks him off. Again and Benoit just catapults him over the top rope and dumps him. On the floor, Benoit throws him around and then back in. Chavo takes a swing but Benoit ducks and hooks him up for the Rolling Germans. Three later and Benoit signals for the headbutt but Chavo cuts him off and crotches Benoit. Chavo mounts the top rope but Benoit headbutts him off. Chavo comes back though and hits the top rope suplex on Benoit and it’s the double KO spot. I love the top rope suplex. Chavo gets to his feet first and whips Benoit hard across and Benoit does the Bret Hart bump. Chavo then gives him a rib breaker submission (inverted bow and arrow) around the ring post. Then baseball slide dropkicks Benoit ribs first into the post. Awesome stuff here. Chavo though switches to working the back instead of the ribs/sternum area(?). He gives Benoit forearm shots across the back, drop toeholds him down, and then more shots across the back. Chavo goes to a camel clutch. Benoit sells it then rolls around and sort of stands up out of it. He goes for a backdrop suplex but Chavo floats over to counter and that gets 2. Benoit staggers to the bottom rope and Chavo chokes him. Chavo goes to hard forearms across the chest on the apron. Chavo goes for a punch but Benoit dodges and gets the armbar takedown but Chavo crawls for the ropes. He kicks Benoit around and gives him a crucial European uppercut to the back of Benoit’s head. Chavo hits a couple of nice back arm-capture back suplexes and the crowd lets him hear it. Chavo gets two with a knee across the face cover. I love Chavo heel when he gets it rolling. He puts Benoit in a Tree of Woe and chokes him and then dropkicks him. He goes for another but Benoit pulls up and Chavo does the Perfect crotch on the ringpost. But he gets up quickly and gets Benoit in an electric chair but Benoit counters and gets to his feet. He chops Chavo but he counters with a rack to the eyes. Chavo shimmies and goes for the 3 amigos but Benoit slides out of the second and goes for the Rolling Germans. Benoit hits 8 in a fucking row. Cover but Chavo gets his foot on the bottom rope. He preps the Sharpshooter but Chavo tries to fight him off. Benoit locks it in but Vickie is in the ring for the strap. Benoit releases the hold and scares off Vickie. He thinks about putting her in the Sharpshooter but Chavo rolls him up from behind. Benoit rolls through it and puts him back in the Sharpshooter and that’s enough for the submission to retain at 12:17. ***1/2 Could have easily gone another half star if Chavo’s moves consistently targeted a body part. I liked this marginally better than Benoit/Booker from the previous year but never thought Chavo could win the match so it’s a wash.

• WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Gregory Helms (c). Helms looks like a sun dried tomato. He must have been in the tanning bed overtime. Shoving match to start. Waistlock by Yang and a go behind and another. Helm with the headlock TD. Yang to the headscissors and Helms kips out. They trade places and do it again for the ECW standoff. Lock up and another stalemate. Helms smacks Yang off the break but Yang fights back. Yang sends him off and takes him down with a back elbow. Yang sends him into the corner and goes for a top rope moonsault but Helms takes a breather and Yang lands on his feet. Helms runs him around and cuts him off with a boot coming back in. Helms sends him off but Yang comes back with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors and a dropkick. A vertical suplex gets 2 and Yang immediately goes to the kimura. Yang with some muay thai knees. He sends Helms into the corner and goes for a flying something but Helms dump him and dropkicks him into the apron. To the floor, Helms hits a swinging neckbreaker on the floor. Back in, that gets 2. Helms chokes him then stun guns him much to the ref’s chagrin. Helms with a snapmare and a legdrop and goes to a resthold. Yang elbows his way out but gets elbowed back down. Helms chokes more and postures. Helms with a neck/backbreaker for 2. Yang comes back with a shotgun chop and dumps Helms. Yang goes up and hits a cross body from the top rope to the floor. Back in, Helm cuts him off with a flapjack into the ropes and just blatantly chokes some more. He goes back to a modified crossfire as the crowd gets restless. Yang gets to his feet and goes off the ropes but Helms counters to a sleeper. Yang counters to a roll up that gets 2 but no one bought it as a finish. Yang clothesline Helms out of his shoes. Double KO. Yang up first and pounds away. Helm sends him off but Yang comes back with a flying burrito. A clothesline and a back body drop later and Yang is feeling it. Yang hits a flying heel kick in the corner and goes up top. Missile dropkick gets 2. Yang chops away as JBL calls him “a handsome son of a bitch.” Yang goes for a charge but misses and eats post. Helms puts him up top and nails a fucking top rope swinging neckbreaker. Crowd barely cares but fuck em. Double KO spot again. Helms staggers to his feet and goes back up top for whatever but eats a spinwheel kick on the way down from Yang. That gets 2. Yang sends him into the corner and runs in for a charge but eats boot. He kicks Helms back down and goes up for the corkscrew moonsault but eats canvass. Helms up and hits the single leg codebreaker for the 3 to retain at 10:52. Crowd just didn’t seem to care too much about Helms or the title for that matter. Yang was over and they perked up somewhat for major moves but that was about it. **1/4

• Last Ride Match: Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker. Surprisingly going into this feud, Kennedy wasn’t made to look like a total coward or douche. They let him, for the most part, keep his cool in the presence of Undertaker’s theatrics including hearses, fire, and a raining blood bath that provided a nice visual. In the previous matches in the series, Kennedy even got in a fair amount of offense. The hearse gets its own entrance. Taker cuts off the ring and Kennedy takes a break. Back in, Undertaker cuts off the ring again and drops Kennedy and sends him to the floor and follows. UT sends Kennedy into the stairs and then the SAT. A few more shots and Taker tosses him into the apron. Back in, UT throws Kennedy into a turnbuckle and chokes away. UT scares off Charles Robinson then runs in for his hip check in the corner but Kennedy ducks and UT eats turnbuckle and sails to the floor. Kennedy on the offense. He gets in some shots. He runs off the apron for a splash but UT catches him and sends him into the ring post. UT picks up Kennedy and heads all the way to the hearse. Kennedy slides out and rams Taker into the hearse and pounds away. Kennedy opens the hearse’s door and punches Taker some more and almost puts him in there but Taker boots Kennedy to counter. On the floor, UT punches more and sends Kennedy into the ring post. UT boots him on the apron and then drops the leg. UT then kicks Kennedy a couple Batista kicks. Kennedy tries to escape but UT crotches him. He sits Kennedy on the top rope and hits the top rope vertical suplex. Nice but they haven’t done much. UT dumps him and heads back to the hearse. Kennedy counters and applies the sleeper and UT’s going out. Taker goes to sleep and Kennedy puts him in the hearse and shuts the door but UT had moved to the driver’s seat and gets out. Back to the ring, UT sends Kennedy into the post and into some chairs. Taker clears the announce table but Kennedy’s got a chair. He gives Taker about 7 gut shots with it. He throws Taker back in and gives him another shot to the back and one to the head. UT gets up and Kennedy gives another to the head. UT no sells again and Kennedy begs off all the way up the ramp. He starts climbing the set and UT follows. They reach the top and slug it out. This is pretty damn high off the ground. Taker signals for the choke slam but Kennedy goes low and just tosses UT off the top all the way to the floor. The camera is positioned so that you can’t see the landing. It’s probably a giant padded mattress or something of the type. Ah shit. When we get the reveal of Taker’s body, it’s obvious he’s lying on a giant mat. I mean really obvious. Poor camera choice in the truck that sort of ruins the appeal of the fall and the dense thud that went with it. Kennedy drags Taker’s body and puts him in the hearse as Cole accuses him of murder. Kennedy starts to drive as we cut to interior camera. UT does the zombie sit up in the back. That’s right. Taker no sold a toss off the set. Back out of the hearse, Taker tries to nail Kennedy with a chair and then with a pipe but Kennedy keeps ducking. Then Taker waffles him with a chairshot to the head and Kennedy blades. Taker pounds away and puts Kennedy on the roof of the hearse. UT follows and chokes slams Kennedy and then tombstones him on the roof much to the crowd’s delight. Taker throws him in the hearse and drives to victory at 19:06. Most of UT’s match types (casket matches, buried alive matches, last ride matches) aren’t conducive to good matches. Kennedy got shit (a bunch of punches, a sleeper, a bunch of chair shots, and a toss off the set) and took his fair share. As usual, the match was about getting over Taker’s gimmick and getting retribution in the feud. If that’s your thing, cool but it’s not really mine. **1/2

• Booka and Finlay “promise” not to double cross each other tonight.

• Santa and the divas are out. Layla’s music sounds like a techno remix of the old People’s Court theme music. The divas pseudo strip and dance around. BD Johnson turns out to be Santa and he dances with them. Hilarity does not ensue.

• Finlay and King Booka vs. Batista and John Cena. The promoted selling point about this match is that it’s the first time that two current world champions have teamed up. Whatever. We have the annoying entrance where Sharmell says, “All hail King Booka!” like 5000 times. Batista sporting a wrap on his left tricep. They stall early as everyone decides who will start and it’s Cena and Booka. Almost no boos for Cena from the crowd. Lock up goes nowhere. Booka tries a shot off the break but Cena ducks and takes him down with an arm drag. Booka powers to his feet and into the corner and punches Cena a few times. Cena comes back with some shots and another arm drag into an arm bar. Batista and Finlay get tagged in. Cole says Batista and Finlay have “a long history.” Batista works the side headlock and Finlay tries to counter but Batista counters back and hits some short-arm shoulder blocks. He whips Finaly into the corner but he gets up the knee. Finlay heads up top and jumps but Batista catches him and then pauses for the crowd to react. Then Batista just sits him down and smacks him. WTF? That was a letdown. Batista with an inside trip and catapults Finlay into the top rope and hangs on for the rebound backbreaker. Moveset. I like it. Batista puts him on the top rope and then hits a muscle buster. Badass but Booka breaks up the pin. Booka in. Booka gets the advantage off a lock up and chops away on Batista. He sends him off and tries a hiptoss but Batista counters to a clothesline for 2. Cena in. Cena tries some shitty punches and Booka says fuck this and cuts him off with an eye poke. Booka hits the arm-twist crescent kick and that gets 2. In the corner, more chops. He sends Cena across but Cena counters and comes out with a facesmash. Protobomb later and Cena wants the shuffle. He hits it and Cena tries the FU but Booka slides out. He runs forward straight into the drop toe hold and the STF. Finlay in to break it up but Batista in to cut him off. Hard shoulder blocks in the corner by Batista. Patrick is distracted with Batista wile Booka rams the scepter into Cena’s throat. Back in, Booka hits a superkick for 2. Finlay in with a short arm clothesline and he goes for the chinlock. Cena powers out and gets a head of steam but runs into a clothesline. Finlay goes for something else but Cena gets a small package for 2. Finlay quickly puts the boots back on him and then hits Batista with “a cheap shot” from the front. Hornswoggle, that little bastard, in and tries the punt on Cena but accidentally punts himself in the head and Finlay sends him back to the floor. Booka in. He goes to an Americana/KFC. Cena powers up but Booka goes back to the knees. He tries a body slam but Cena slides out and hits a DDT. Cena gets the tag to Batista. Batista is a house of fire with clothesline, Bulldog powerslam, and a spear for everyone. Another spear for Finlay. More clotheslines. He whips Finlay into Booka. Finlay tries to recuperate and grabs Batista to set up Booka’s kick. But Batista ducks and Finlay eats it. Bossman/Black Hole slam for Booka. He sets up the Demon bomb but Finlay takes him down from behind. Cena in with a belly to belly on Finlay. On the floor, Finlay takes out Cena with a clothesline. He grabs a chair and tries to uses it on Batista but gets it kicked back at him. Batista hits the spinebuster and the Demon bomb on Booka and that’s enough for the 3 at 11:26. Finish felt anticlimactic. This was basically a free TV main event. Respectable work but little to no suspense. What’s the point of Batista even having a “tricep injury” if you’re not going to work it over? Basic tag match that is mildly improved by the wattage of the participants. **3/4

• DVD Extras: The first WWE inferno match from Unforgiven 1998 and it’s Kane vs. Undertaker. Kane’s old music with the organ introduction is one of my favorite entrance themes ever.

The 411: Show had some OK matches, a good match, and a very good match but it peaked too early. The main events left a little too much to be desired.
Final Score:  6.0   [ Average ]