Ring Crew Reviews: WWE Wrestlemania XXVII

• Relevant Storylines: Stone Cold secretly has his Sheriff Austin ATV shipped around in each week in hopes of being able to use it and he’s in luck, although he doesn’t rehire Shawn Michaels like last time. JR gets to announce the biggest match of the year just like Mick Foley would have wanted. Everyone involved in any way, shape, or form on the show gets an entrance except Brodus Clay. And Triple H and Undertaker haven’t had more than 5 matches combined in the last year.

• Scheduled Card:
1. World Heavyweight Championship: Albert Del Rio vs. Edge (c).
2. Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio.
3. Eight Man Tag Match: The Corre vs. Kane, The Big Show, Santino and Kofi Kingston.
4. CM Punk vs. Randy Orton.
5. Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler.
6. No Holds Barred: Triple H vs. The Undertaker.
7. Six Person Mixed Tag Match: Dolph Ziggler and LayCool vs. John Morrison, Trish Stratus, and Snooki.
8. WWE Championship: John Cena vs. The Miz (c).

• We start with the singing of America, The Beautiful by Keri Hilson. The entrance set up looks great.

• I suspect we’ll set some entrance length records tonight.

• Rock is out first and he’s wearing an upgraded version of his 99 track suit following gynecomastia surgery. Approximate entrance length from music starting to first talking: 4:10. Finally, he’s come back to Atlanta and Wrestlemania. The Rock says they are making history right now. Rock makes fun of Cena repeating the Fruity Pebbles line. He is really milking the crowd reactions for every possible cheer. The Rock makes a whatever line about drinking “The People’s Water” and they eat it up. He and the crowd play some sing along with Yabba and Dabba. Rock then does his catchphrase rundown managing to rhyme Santa with Atlanta and defiant and Andre the Giant if you smell what he’s cooking.

• After 15-ish minutes of pomp and circumstance (sorry Macho), we get the video package that is typically grandiloquent but a tad underwhelming for my taste. Not much focus on the feuds, much more so about the stage and some inserts proclaiming how much bigger and better things are this year compared to all the other WMs.

• World Heavyweight Championship: Albert Del Rio vs. Edge (c). Surprised the RR winner is curtain jerking in the abstract, but it makes perfect sense given how NOT top billed this match has been. Trips/UT and Cena/Miz/Rock were obviously higher profile. Cole says ADR is philanthropic because he employs over 100 works on his mansion. Lawler says he might be anthropomorphic because he has the personality of a jackass. ADR only clocks in at 2:00 on the entrance. Christian gets his own entrance because they have 4 hours to fill. Edge has a taped up elbow.

• Cole and Matthews are talking about Edge’s arm before they lock up so it’s official: this match will suck if it doesn’t involve arm psychology. Lock up goes straight to a rope break. ADR shoves Edge off the break and Edge smacks him to retaliate. Edge with a backdrop and ADR sells it like hugely devastating maneuver. ADR cuts him off with a kick to the arm and works over Edge in the corner with boots. ADR sends him off but Edge puts the brakes on and backdrops ADR over the top. Jerry takes a shot at ADR’s character being rich and Cole takes a shot at him about wearing jogging pants to the ring. Edge tries a baseball slides but whiffs and ADR shoves him into the barricade and then sends Edge’s arm into the ringsteps. Back in, cover gets 1 and ADR goes to the armbar resthold at 2 minutes in. Edge tries battling up to his feet but ADR pulls him down by the hair. ADR wraps the arm around the ropes as Charles Robinson gets aggressive about breaking it up. On the outside, ADR smashes his arm into the announce table and that gets 2 back in. ADR goes back to the rest hold at 4 minutes in. Is he gassed or just can’t think of another way to draw attention to the arm? ADR runs for a Bossman attack on the ropes but Edge avoids and ADR flies to the mats outside. Edge follows with a rope assisted flip splash and lands hand on the mat. Back in, Edge heads up top but ADR knocks him off with the pop-up super armdrag. Cover gets 2. ADR with the GnP and taunts for the crowd. ADR with a head of steam but runs into a spinwheel kick. Edge then takes him down with a big boot. Edge takes him down with a flying burrito and a flapjack. Cover gets 2. ADR cuts him off with a codebreaker to the arm. He goes for the flying armbar but Edge counters with the Edge-o-matic for 2. ADR tries a charge in the corner off a whip reversal but gets roll up. He rolls through and counters to the arm bar. That was nifty if most of the match has been on cruise control.

• Edge gets the ropes to escape. ADR tries to go back on the offense but Edge stun guns him on the ropes. Edge heads up top but ADR hits the pop up enzuigiri and covers. Edge gets his foot on the ropes but Rodriguez removes it and the cover still only gets 2. Christian and Clay get into it. ADR hits the suicide baseball slide to take out Christian and then Clay gives him the massive gargoyle suplex and Christian should be kayfabe dead. Edge rolls up ADR for a close 2 and then hits the Edge-o-cutioner and preps the Spear. Crowd really into it since the interference. Edge goes for the Spear but ADR avoids and Clay smashes Edge’s arm into the ringpost. ADR applies the flying armbar. Edge rolls him up for 2 and then applies the half sharpshooter. ADR is close to the ropes but Christian takes out Clay with a tornado DDT off the apron. ADR rolls through and escapes but Edge hits the Spear and that’s enough to retain at 12:11. Originally, I was upset that ADR didn’t go over here. Despite all the mic time, cars, personal ring announcers, and the RR victory, a whole lot of that is rendered moot through this loss. However, Edge retiring and Christian’s storybook win put this in a new light. I’m just hoping that Del Rio’s push hasn’t completely stalled like Sheamus’s, Drew McIntyre’s, Daniel Bryan’s, etc. **1/4

• Post-match, Edge commits heinous acts of vandalism and destruction of property. Surprisingly, given his usual exuberance, ADR’s selling of the car beatdown is understated. I was expecting a Flair like emotional explosion but no go.

• Meanwhile, Cole shadow-boxes on his Pope-plexiglass fortress to taunt King.

• Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio. I get that Cody’s music is like a grunge version of his old one, but it sucks. However, I am digging the Mankind/Abyss/Kane character vibe this broken nose has given Cody Rhodes. Rey is dressed as Capt. America. Rey tries to sneak Cody before he can take off his coat. He gets backdropped to the apron but comes back with a shoulder shrug and a rana of the top. Rey comes off the ropes but runs into a masked-assisted flying burrito from Cody. Cody menacingly takes off the coat and immediately goes for the knee but Rey fights him off. He gives Rey a hard whip across. Rey tries fighting him off but Cody gives him a headbutt with the mask and a springboard gamengiri for 2. Cody goes to the Camel Clutch but Rey elbows out. Cody tries a charge but Rey gets up the boot. Rey headscissors into the octopus stretch but Cody flapjacks him onto the ropes and then gives him the Alabama Slam(!). Must have learned that one from tagging with Bob Holly but the commentators neglect to mention this. Nice sequence and cover gets 2. Very mild dueling chants start up in the first couple rows. Cody goes back for the knee but Rey resists so Cody just gives him some boots and a Bossman attack. Cody then goes to the nerve hold. Has Cody been brushing up on his mid 90s WWF midcard tapes? We’ve got Crush, Bossman and Sparky Plug so far. If he busts out a Pearl River Plunge or a Curtain Call, it’s official. Rey fights up. He gets sent into the corner. He tries an up and over headscissors but gets countered onto the apron AGAIN. It feels like I’ve seen that spot a million times lately. Cody says he’s had enough and headbutts Rey and gives him a hanging vertical suplex off the top rope that lasts almost 20 seconds. That was fucking awesome.

• Cover gets 2. Cody gives him a knee to the back. He preps Crossroads but that gives countered so he tries a gutwrench powerbomb. Rey counters that as well with a headscissors to send Cody to the floor. Rey gives him the suicide baseball slide and then tries a regular one. Cody ducks but Rey comes back with a headscissors that sends Cody into the apron. Back in, Rey heads up top and hits the seated senton. He tries a go-behind but Cody grabs him. Rey flips him through and rolls him up for 2. Rey tries the up and over for like the fourth time but lands on Cody’s shoulders. He tries to take the mask off so Cody drops him. Rey tries up and over AGAIN but Cody catches him with the wheelbarrow suplex for 2. Rey with a springboard headscissors for something like the third time. He trips up Cody and preps 619 but Cody catches him and slingshots him back into the ropes. Cover gets 2. Cody goes for the knee again and starts undoing the knee brace. He gets it off to the delight of the smart marks in the front row. Rey moonsaults into a cover off the top for a close 2. Cole smartly points out that Rey perfectly did a moonsault without the knee brace as Rey undoes Cody’s mask. Cody cuts him off with a kick to the gut. Rey with ANOTHER HEADSCISSORS to set up the 619. He hits the 619. He tries to Drop the Dime off the top but Cody gets up the knees and shoves him off. Rey with a standing enzuigiri that gets 2. Rey now puts on Cody’s mask and gives him a couple of running headbutts with the mask. Cody goes for an attack but crotches himself on the second rope. Rey hits a diving headbutt off the top but Cody kicks out at 2. Cody takes a breather. Rey goes for a suicide dive but Cody has the knee brace and waffles him with it. Back in, Cody hits the Crossroads (Roll the Dice) for the 3 at 12:00. Cody seemed game plus he’s really embracing the Hannibal Lecter-esque nature of his character but too much repetition in Rey’s offense drags it down. Loved the ending with the mask/knee brace switch. **3/4

• In the back, Snoop and Teddy Long set the hip hop culture back thirty years with an awkward handshake and some stilted, faux street talk. Dr. Dre would roll over in his grave if he saw Snoop doing this stuff. They do a pseudo-talent show. William Regal repeats most of the stuff he said when Flava Flav was the guest host on RAW. Khali and Beth Phoenix do a Grease revival. Zach Ryder sings that hideous “Friday” sing and gets taken out by a coconut wielding Rowdy Roddy Piper. Masters and Yoshi Tatsu do a cleavage version of Queen’s “We Will Rock You.” Snoop is not impressed by any of this. Hornswoggle is next wearing some NWA gear and Snoop likes it. Teddy tells him that HS can’t talk, so they leave before HS does some rhymes with the Bella Twins. This was a mixed bag of funny and not funny. Your mileage will vary.

• Eight Man Tag Match: The Corre vs. Kane, The Big Show, Santino and Kofi Kingston. Cole and Matthews try to put The Corre over hard by touting the belts and how they have “almost taken over Smackdown”, but really has any stable ever had such a disproportionate ratio of belts:heat? Putting the world title on any of them wouldn’t help, because since forming, they have been booked like JTTS nobodies. Santino tries to do Mayagi proud with The Crane at the bell but Slater, unlike Randy Couture avoids and knocks him down. Slater with the GnP. Santio gives him a hiptoss and brings in Show. Show tosses him around with a backdrop and a shoulderblock. Zeke ignores the tag rules and steamrolls Show with a clothesline. Kane does the same coming off the top with a flying clothesline. Gabriel tries the same but Kane gives him the throat thrust. Barrett cuts off Kane with a yakuza kick. Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise on Barrett and a crossbody off the apron on Zeke and Gabriel. Santino gives Slater the Cobra and Show gives him the KO punch and that’s it at 1:35. Rest assured, the safety of Smackdown is still secure. For a four hour show, this match is criminally short. Don’t get me wrong; I’m sure no one bought a ticket to see an unadvertised midcard multi-man tag, but they could have given them at least five minutes. 1/2*

• Backstage, Rock tries to make nice with Eve by letting her feel his bicep and using Ari’s “boom” from Entourage. Rock says he will make the dreams true of whoever comes around the corner and of course it’s Mae Young. Normally, they reserve this joke for heels or idiot guest hosts. First time, I can remember a face especially one at Rock’s level being the butt of the joke. Eve and Mae exit stage left and Rock laments his poor luck and turns around again but this time it’s Austin and the crowd goes BATSHIT. They soak in the tension and then share a handshake.

• CM Punk vs. Randy Orton. Punk interferes at RR and helps Miz retain and Punk did it because Orton punted him back in 08 to keep him out of the scramble matches. That’s a decent enough set up but the repetitive week after week of Orton punting Nexus members was the EXACT SAME feud Cena had with Wade Barrett. But Punk is always gold on the stick so his promos helped sell this. Orton’s leg is taped kind of like Rey’s knee brace and Edge’s arm tape. I’m noticing a pattern here. Orton with the GnP early and a European uppercut. Punk tries a whip counter but Orton takes him down with a clothesline and another takes him to the floor. Orton with more European uppercuts on the floor. Orton tries sending him into the ring steps but Punk jumps onto them and kicks them back into Orton’s bad knee for good measure. Nifty. Back in, Punk comes off the top with a crossbody for 2. Orton drags himself into the corner and Punk mocks and then boots down the knee some more. Punk taunts to a mixed reaction. Orton comes back with the neck/backbreaker. Orton tries a kick but Punk catches and drops down with a badass kneebreaker and NOW WE GOT TO SCHOOL. Punk wraps the knee about the ropes, hits the step up knee in the corner and drops a knee for 2. Punk hooks him in a tree of woe and then stands on the knee in the corner but the crowd doesn’t care about the knee work much. Punk then drops a knee to the face and sends Orton to the mat for a 2. Punk goes for the G2S but Orton elbows out and goes for the RKO. Punk counters with a high kick for a close fall at 5 minutes? Is this Shotgun? Punk goes up top but Orton crotches him out of “pure adrenaline and pure desperation” according to Herr Cole. Orton hits the top rope superplex. Delayed cover gets 2 as Orton sells the knee. Punk trips him him and wraps the knee around the ringpost a few times and then applies the ever deadly, Bret Hart special RING POST FIGURE FOUR! Punk now goes to the Indian Deathlock and drops more elbows to the bad knee. Even if this were 1999 with Russo booking, Orton would still have to sell this kind of knee destruction for weeks, but with indestructible faces Orton headbutts out and clotheslines Punk a few times and hits a powerslam. At least, he’s still favoring the leg. Orton hits his shitty Thesz press and pounds away. Orton with an AngleSlam for 2. Punk goes to his kick combo and ends with the trip and Punk applies the Anaconda Vice out of nowhere. Orton counters with a roll through to get the ropes. Punk for no apparent reason decides to go to the apron to grab Punk and in a turn everyone was expecting Orton sends him into the ringpost and then hits the apron DDT. He ignores the knee and the arm and preps the punt. Orton tries it but his knee buckles in true Macho Man fashion. I love that. Orton goes for the RKO but Punk shoves him off and escapes. That was a nice tease. Punk springboards off the ropes right into an RKO for the unexpected finish at 14:47. Eh. I liked Punk’s knee work but the finish seemed thrown together with no build and Punk was doing out of character moves just to set up Orton’s moves too obviously. **1/2

• Rock is in the back and wants Pee Wee Herman to join Team Bring It and not looks like Mean Gene wearing Cena gear.

• Next, we have the HOF inductees introduced with Sunny looking gorgeous, The Road Warriors and Hacksaw getting big pops, Drew Carey getting booed out of building, and Shawn Michaels getting his own entrance and another huge pop.

• Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler. Booker T, JR, Swagger, and Stone Cold all got their own entrances before Cole and King. Cole interrupts and is dressed like he just had sex with Linda Fiorentino and he’s going after Shoot’s undefeated record. Swagger’s facial expression when Stone Cold’s music hits during his pushups is great. Austin almost kills him with the 4-wheeler and then drives Cole into the Pope-complex. Austin’s entrance is still only 2 minutes with all the extracurricular activities. Cole is doing the Simon Dean pre-match workout routine from the RR 2006. Austin rings the bell anyway. King sends Swagger into the ringpost and the barricade and now Lawler sets his sights on Cole. Cole begs off and tries to offer a shake through the bank teller hole in his plexiglass. Lawler shakes and then rams Cole about five times and then beats the hell out of him for a little while. This is currently resembling a miniature cage match. After more violence in the cubicle, Lawler wins the first match by escape but continues to ram Cole into the GM laptop podium. Swagger sneaks Lawler and rams him into the apron behind Stone Cold’s back. Cole with a baseball slide and now distracts Austin so Swagger can put the anklelock on Lawler. Cole demands that Austin start the count. Cole botches one of the Andre the Giant spots. Booker T: “Look like he was just doin’ some calf raises right there or somethin’.” “You can’t wrestle” chant gets going directed at Cole which is entirely right, but Cole isn’t a wrestler so they are basically shouting at the creative team or road agents. Cole continues with the slowest and worst legwork ever. Cole tries a VaderBomb but lowers to the bottom rope instead to do it. Lawler kicks out at 2 and the crowd is restless. This shit is dragging on absurdly too long. Huge “Boring” chant as the crowd noticeably turns on the match and this never-ending heat sequence. Cole drops the strap to apply the anklelock and JR says he’s mimicking Lawler. I know Angle is a jerk for pointing it out, but they are basically using his stuff. Angle didn’t invent the anklelock but for most fans today he is the guy most associated with it and the singlet and dropping the straps and the AngleSlam. That digression aside, this match sucks. No one’s buying this as a finish because they are just waiting for Austin to get involved. Lawler kicks Cole off and goes to the boots. Swagger throws in the towel like Helen Hart trying to call off Bob Backlund but Austin’s having none of it. Austin gives Swagger a Stunner to a pop. Cole lets Austin hear it and shoves him. Austin shoves back and Lawler goes to work with the rights to not much of a reaction because everyone wanted the Stunner. Lawler gives him the not so Bluechipper dropkick and drops the fist from the second rope. King covers but pulls him up at 2. Lawler applies the anklelock and Cole taps immediately. Stone Cold theatrically pretends not to hear it and asks him if he wants to quit. Finally, Austin rings the bell at 13:48. They gave this fourteen fucking minutes. This has the same problem as all announcer, special attraction, nonwrestler matches do. Once the bell rings and the audience realizes that they can’t work a decent wrestling match, the illusion is shattered and the heat evaporates. Of course, the solution is to NOT have a wrestling match, but just a glorified ass whooping that lasts a few minutes. But this wasn’t it and sucked. 1/4*

• Post-match, Booker T pulls a Larry Zbyszko and abandons the announce team after one match. He hits the Spin-a-roonie to celebrate but eats a Stunner from Austin. The GM chimes in to reverse the decision, but who gives a shit. Lawler tosses Matthews into the ring for reading the e-mail and Austin Stuns him which somehow is supposed to validate the last 40 minutes.

• No Holds Barred: Triple H vs. The Undertaker. The package for this has the decayed sepia tone of the beginning of Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid. It’s predictably very good as they have pulled out practically every stop for The Streak the past few years. Trips comes out to an edited version of Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls” and instantly I want him to win. He’s wearing skull king garb of his gimmick but he’s backlit so it doesn’t come off corny at all; instead, it’s badass. His entrance clocks in at 4:30 to surpass Rock. Remarkably, despite doing the zombie walk, UT only manages 4:20 for a close second.

• They come out slugging and H drives UT into the corner with rights. Taker shoves him back out and then tosses him into the corner and over the top so Trip’s can do his corner bump. Trips back on the offense with rights on the floor. UT responds by sending him into the ring stairs. UT preps the SAT but Trips spears him into Cole’s cubicle. Trips gets back in the ring and tells him not to sing it but to bring it. Back in, they slug it out. Taker hits the zombie flying burrito and hits a shoulder surge and preps Old School. Trips counters and armdrags him off the top. H with a head of steam and clotheslines Taker over the top to the floor. H whips him hard into the barricade. H preps the RAW announce table and sends UT into it.

• Triple H goes for the Pedigree but UT counters to the attempted ChokeSlam. H counters back to the Pedigree and UT just backdrops him off the table to the floor. Holy shit, that was brutal. H is selling the hell out of the bump and UT looks blown up already. UT gets a head of steam and hits the outta control, no hands, zombie plancha and both are down. JR calls this match, “athletic annihilation.” Taker puts the stairs in front of the SAT. H slides out of whatever and they headbutt each other. UT gets a running start but Trips catches him and hits the spinebuster through the SAT. That got a “holy shit” chant but that’s about as protected a move as you could have going through a table. Back in, UT hits the ChokeSlam out of nowhere and Trips kicks out at 2. King and JR are in full-on sell the feud, not the match mode because Lawler is talking about how “remorseless” Trips is but he hasn’t done shit other than some rights, an armdrag, and a spinebuster. UT preps Last Ride but H drives him into the corner. Dueling chants get going. H mounts in the corner with right hands and predictably UT goes for Last Ride again. H slides down the back and hits the boot and goes for the Pedigree. Taker reverses and hits Snake Eyes but runs into a spinebuster to counter again. Cover gets 2. Nicely, the referee whispers to UT to get his hand out from under the ropes. H rolls to the floor distraught because apparently the spinebuster doesn’t beat ’em all. He gets a chair but UT counters with a big boot. UT gives him a chairshot hard across the back. UT goes for another but Trips counters to the Pedigree. Taker kicks out at 2. Triple H puts Taker on the top rope and preps a superplex but UT counters to the Last Ride. H kicks out at 2 and Taker is pissed. This is falling sorta flat. Just doesn’t have the necessary juice for what they are trying to do.

• Taker hits his taunt and the Tombstone. Triple H kicks out again and Taker is still upset. Taker plants the chair to set up a Tombstone on it. JR: “Steel chair is legal in no holds barred. Let’s remember that. Everything is legal in no holds barred.” H counters and hits the DDT on the chair. They both sell exhaustion. Taker shoves Trips’s head out of annoyance. The extended selling time here isn’t really necessary but I suppose it helps sell the moment and toil of the match better to someone. H hits another Pedigree to a pop and again UT kicks out at 2. Triple H with another Pedigree and UT kicks out AGAIN. This is approaching UT-Kane 98 in terms of finishers not finishing. H gets the chair and gives Taker some chairshots to the back. H screams for Taker to “STAY DOWN!” Trips gives him five more chairshots to the back. Trips gives him the unprotected chair shot to the head that got both of them fined. He pulls the classic horror movie mistake and dumps the weapon before making sure the monster is dead and sure enough Taker is staggering. Triple H again screams for Taker to, “STAY DOWN! JUST DIE! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!” UT grabs his throat but H is not having it and it appears the Dead Man has lost his touch. H casually brushes him off and Taker stumbles backward. It’s awesome seeing the normally no-selling dominant force reduced to being easily dismissed by a rival. Triple H gives him the throat slash and gives Undertaker his own MOTHERFUCKIN’ TOMBSTONE! H with the Undertaker cover and even his cover mannerism but Taker kicks out at 2 to possibly the loudest pop of the night. Trips begs off in disbelief. Front row: “This is awesome!” H gets the sledge from under the ring. He says, “It’s time,” but UT’s corpse pulls him into Hell’s Gate. He struggles. In a callback to putting over Batista in the HIAC, H tries to grab the sledge at the last moment but is forced to tap out at 29:25.

• The last 5-10 minutes is the WWE at its finest in its current format: epic storytelling combined with the biggest stage and characters possible that other companies just can’t match produced the most compelling match of the year. But this is hardly new territory. The same palpable tension and electricity for less than stellar wrestling has been there for Rock-Hogan WM XVIII, Trips-Cena WM XXII, Flair-HBK WM XXIV, and this one. Each match had very basic back and forth matches with simple moves but off the charts heat due to the charisma of the wrestlers, the built-in legend or top dog status of each performer, the weeks of anticipation, and the match being at Wrestlemania. Put simply, the WWE knows how to book and put on dream matches better than anyone else. Generally, your opinion of the wrestlers and emotion for the feud/moment influences your rating. That’s why some see Match of the Year and other’s see decent match with an inflated time due to stalling and selling for too long. All that being said, I like Triple H and liked the feud and him stealing Taker’s Tombstone and pin cover had me buying the finish and will probably be my spot of the year, BUT still doesn’t entirely redeem a rather pedestrian and dull hardcore match for 20 minutes. ***1/2

• Post-match, Triple H staggers out and UT takes his time selling the beatdown and it’s almost 10 minutes before the flatbed golf cart stretchers him out.

• Six Person Mixed Tag Match: Dolph Ziggler and LayCool vs. John Morrison, Trish Stratus, and Snooki. Vickie is out first to do some bird calls and Dolph quickly follows. LayCool jumps the faces before the bell. Ziggler tells Snooki she doesn’t belong in the ring and she smacks him. Well subjectively, she sucks but objectively she wasn’t the legal man so he’s right either way. McCool and Trish circle and then exchange shoves. Trish goes to the chops and tags in Snooki but she doesn’t come in. Thanks for that. Trish tries the Matrix but McCool kicks her and sets up the Styles Clash. Trish counters with the Kidman facebuster. They brawl in the corner and tumble over the top to the floor. Trish shoves her into the barricade and then hits a double clothesline off the apron on LayCool. McCool tries to kick her but Layla eats it instead. Trish rolls her up for 2. Trish hits the chick kick and covers but Dolph breaks it up. Morrison clotheslines him to the floor. WHERE IS THE ORDER! IT MUST BE RESTORED! Morrison hits the Starship Pain to the floor and that was cool. Trish tags in Snooki to huge boos. Awesome. She hits the handspring elbow and a handspring splash for the 3 at 3:10. Morrison’s finisher to the floor is cool but this whole thing is a waste of time. At least, Snooki didn’t botch anything. DUD.

• WWE Championship: John Cena vs. The Miz (c). First off, each guy gets a package and these are undoubtedly the best of the whole show. Miz’s shows him in a production area behind the dials watching footage of all of the signature champs of the modern era: Hogan, Flair, Austin, and Rock. It also shows some Real World footage of The Miz’s character infancy. This package says everything about his character that you need to know. He came from unlikely and undesirable roots but was driven by the success of past greats to emulate them but still carve his own path. Miz’s portion has Nas’s “Hate Me Now” play over it. Miz’s video and entrance puts him at just over 5 minutes. But Cena is up next. He’s got a full choir and an amazing soloist singing a version of his entrance song. Cena gets a video as well. It shows him as a warrior for God trying to do his work but struggling to do right. When combined with the promo from before WM on RAW about how Cena is a rebel and Rock doesn’t like him because he’s “different,” they are portraying Cena as Christian rebel. This is set to DMX’s third prayer from And Then There Was X. The crowd boos the choir when they are finished which is understandable but regrettable. They are booing Cena but that rendition was amazing and the choir didn’t deserve that. Cena wins the pool with 5:20. Crowd is split but Miz gets the most cheers.

• They decide to ring the bell twice just in case the crowd missed it the first time. Miz goes to the side headlock and Cena powers out. Miz goes back to the side headlock and Cena shoves him off but Miz takes him down with a shoulderblock. Miz goes for another but Cena hits the hiptoss and Miz begs off in the corner. Cena goes to the side headlock to boos. Miz gets a rope break in the corner but does not give a clean break and goes to punches and kicks in the corner instead. Miz hits a cross corner whip on Cena and Cena sells it hard though it was rather average. Miz then hits the leaping corner clothesline and covers for 2. Miz with more left hands on Cena. Cena knees him to the gut to counter and hits a gutwrench for 2. Miz hits a Side Effect for 2. Now, Cena begs off for a rope break. Miz goes for the clothesline again but Cena ducks and Miz eats turnbuckle. Cena goes up top and hits the top rope fameasser. There is definitely tension in the air but the crowd isn’t going with the match. There is a fervor but it’s like it’s sitting at a stoplight just waiting for the Rock or for something to happen in the match – something different than regular matches and they aren’t getting it. Miz ducks a Cena charge and he eats turnbuckle to crickets. Miz with a Batista kick for 2. Miz with a big boot for 2. This is the wrong layout for these two guys. Cena is playing punch drunk like this is 30 minutes in even though it’s about 5. Miz with more boots on Cena. Miz sends him off and ducks a Cena shoulderblock or some shit. Miz hits a knee lift on the apron. Cover gets 2. Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale and Cena shoves him off and comes back with the flying shoulderblocks, the ProtoBomb and the 5KS. Cena goes for the FU but Miz slides out and hits a DDT for 2. Cena goes for the STF but Miz kicks him off and comes back with a neckbreaker combo for 2. Miz tries to take the turnbuckle cover off but Chioda sees him. Cena cradles Miz but Chioda is busy with the turnbuckle and it only gets 2. Miz tries to send Cena into the exposed turnbuckle but Cena puts the brakes on. Cena tries the FU but Miz slides out only to get drop toe held into the STF. Miz struggles but gets the ropes. Riley hops on the apron behind the ref’s back and rams Cena into the ringpost. Miz hits the SCF to a pop but cover only gets 2 for a mild yelp of excitement from the crowd. Miz goes for it again but Cena shoves him off and into Chioda. Cena hits the FU but no ref. Riley is in with the briefcase and waffles Cena but they don’t get fined. Cover still gets 2. Riley gets on the apron and yells to the ref to stop slow counting. Miz gets the briefcase now but accidentally waffles Riley. Cena hits the FU but Miz kicks out at 2 to a huge reaction. Miz rolls to the floor. Cena gets in the 10 point stance and clotheslines Miz over the barricade and this is when bullshit finish detectors start going off in everyone’s head. Cena tackles Miz over the barricade and busts his head right on the floor which caused a concussion. Chioda counts to 10 and says to ring the bell at 14:46 for the double countout and the crowd is READY to boo that finish out of the fuckin’ building but obviously Rock has to come out to fix this travesty. Sure enough, Rock comes out and the GM e-mail arrives. Rock hits a catchphrase and disposes of the PC laptop. Must be a Mac guy. Rock demands that they restart the match.

• WWE Championship: John Cena vs. The Miz (c). Cena goes for the FU but Miz lands on the apron. Rock hits a Rock Bottom on Cena instead to a loud reaction. Miz covers and gets the 3 at :37. Post-match, Rock rushes the ring and hits the spinebuster and a People’s Elbow on Miz.

• The first 10 minutes are about as boring as you can get for a Wrestlemania main event with Miz punching his way through the heat segment and Cena overselling it. Once Cena kicks out of the SCF, it STARTS to feel sort of like a PPV main event but the match hadn’t earned the necessary emotion for people to care that they were kicking out of finishers. With a better first half, the match could have been a really solid WM main event but they were on autopilot and it was evident. That’s not even taking into account the ridiculously terrible idea to end it as a double countout and then restart it only for interference to end it. That’s a terrible finish on RAW when they used it for Miz/Cena vs Corre much less on the biggest show of the year. Also, the ending helps no one other than Rock and he won’t even be around to take advantage of it. Instead, Cena is left to be steward for top dog until next year’s WM and Miz, despite being the best promo on the roster (other than Punk) right now and having a few great matches with Danielson and Morrison, has yet to have a PPV match to justify his billing. **

The 411: Wrestlemania used to be the show where the WWE put their best foot forward (and that's still true on the production end). It was the place where even if for 11 months of the year you got dicked around with squashes, DQs, and nWo and Dusty finishes, you had a match that DELIVERED on expectations, pulled no punches, and pulled out all the stops. It's supposed to be a showcase for the best that professional wrestling or sports entertainment or whatever you want to call it can provide, but when the main event is treated as angle advancement to set up the main event for the next year's WM, you know something's rotten in the state of Connecticut. The show's not bad; it just could and should have been so much better.

Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]