The Name on the Marquee: WWF Superstars of Wrestling (09.20.86)

-We’re still in Providence, RI.

-Your hosts are still Vince McMahon, Bruno Sammartino, and Jesse “The Body” Ventura.

U.S. EXPRESS vs. DREAM TEAM (with Johnny V)
-This is U.S. Express 2.0, with Danny Spivey in place of Barry Windham. They’ve also discarded “Born in the USA” by Bruce Springsteen in favor of a different entrance theme, “Stars and Stripes Forever” by Publicton J. Domainski. Rotundo & Valentine start. They have a battle over each other’s legs until Rotundo just gives up and slams Valentine instead. He slams Beefcake for good measure. Snapmare and an elbowdrop by Rotundo for two. Valentine blocks a backdrop with a forearm and tries for the figure four right away, but Rotundo kicks him away and tags in Spivey. Irish whip and a clothesline by Spivey. Bodyslam and a legdrop get two. Valentine beel throws him and tags in Beefcake, who drops a forearm for two. Side headlock and a few punches, and a few more by Beefcake. Rotundo tags in and Irish whips Beefcake right into his own corner, and Valentine tags in. We have all four men in the ring battling. In the melee, Rotundo airplane spins Beefcake and slams him, but Johnny V runs in and drops an elbow to break the pin. Referee catches it, though, so it’s a DQ win for the US Express. Bit of an attempt at retconning by Vince McMahon, who says the Express is continuing their trek to “regain the tag team title,” as if Spivey was a former champion.

UPDATE
The Honky Tonk Man: He likes dancing on Saturday night! He likes his sweetheart Mary Lou! He likes to strut & stroll, and he likes to rock & roll! He’ll make the bad guys shake all over! God, can we please turn this guy heel already?! His face promos are excruciating.

JUNKYARD DOG & GEORGE “The Animal” STEELE (with Captain Lou Albano) vs. TONY NARDO & STEVE LOMBARDI
“If brains were dynamite, George Steele couldn’t blow his nose.” Thank ya, Jesse. Steele starts with the pride of Clarksburg, WV, Tony Nardo. Nardo gets tired of that quickly and tags out to Lombardi. Lombardi takes a licking in short order and here comes JYD with a bodyslam and rolling headbutts. Randy Savage gives us an insert promo to tell us that JYD & George Steele don’t have what it takes to be champion. Tony Nardo tags back in and walks right into the Thump for the three-count.

-Ken Resnick talks to Big Machine, Super Machine, and Captain Lou Albano. They introduce their partner for the next MSG show, the mysterious Hulk Machine. Hulk Machine wants to slam Big John Studd for the 15,000 yen. “That’s a lot of rice paddies!”

-We look back at the Flower Shop, where Roddy Piper takes a racist shot at Slick, and of course Slick is a heel for being upset about it.

HERCULES HERNANDEZ, NIKOLAI VOLKOFF, & IRON SHEIK (with Classy Freddie Blassie & Slick) vs. BILLY JACK HAYNES, MARIO MANCINI, & NICK KINISKI
-Man, who did Billy Jack piss off? We start with…oh, excuse me, we need to rise and show respect for a moment…We start with Sheik & Kiniski (yes, son of Gene). Shoulderblock by Sheik, but Kiniski catches him off the ropes with a hiptoss. Eyerake and a shot in the turnbuckle in the face corner, so Kiniski tags Mancini and Sheik is ready with a suplex. Hercules tags in and gets the backbreaker to finish immediately. The commentators speculate that finishing before Haynes could tag in was an important bit of strategy.

-Hulk Hogan comes in to talk about his upcoming title defense at Nassau Coliseum. He accuses Paul Orndorff of being a spy, as if he wrote down a bunch of bad things to call somebody and then drew one out of a hat for this promo.

-We look at Superstar Billy Graham, who trains by letting tarantulas crawl on him.

JAKE “The Snake” ROBERTS vs. TONY GAREA
-Jake the heel gets a decent face pop here. Hard to believe they waited another five months to turn him. Arm wringer by Snake, but Garea armdrags out. Snake tries again, but Garea armdrags out again. Lock-up and Jake attacks the abdomen in the corner. Irish whip and a series of slams by Garea. Bodypress off the ropes gets two and Snake goes to the floor for a breather. Back in the ring, Garea goes for an arm wringer, but Snake punches to freedom. Garea goes for a backdrop, but Snake simply DDTs him and gets the sudden win. The referee sympathetically rolls Garea out of the ring before Damien can do his thing.

-Hulk Hogan cuts his third(!) promo. He again talks about Paul Orndorff.

-Roddy Piper & Adrian Adonis prepare for the upcoming Pit vs. Flower Shop debate.

KILLER BEES vs. JOE MIRTO & JACK KRUGER
-WWF fans of this era probably best remember Jack Kruger as “the referee who always screamed and acted like he was shitting himself.” Mirto & Brunzell start. Headscissors Brunzell gets a one-count. Jimmy Hart cuts a promo about the Funk Brothers, which is weird given that Hoss/Dory was gone by this point. Blair gets a sunset flip for two. Slam and a kneedrop by Blair as Kamala, King Curtis, and Kimchee head to the ring for some reason. Mirto suddenly catches Brunzell in a backbreaker and in comes Kruger. Irish whip and another one by Kruger. He goes to a side headlock, but gets sent into the ropes and dropped on his face. Blair tags in and monkeyflips him. Mirto re-enters and gets caught in the Bees’ corner. High knee by Brunzell and a Stinger by Blair finish things, and the KKK leave without incident. Random.

-Dick Slater drives a truck past a bunch of hound dogs, with a Confederate flag hanging around his neck. Then he introduces us to his diseased-looking pet mule. Then he steps on your foot and says, “I am from the south.”

MAGNIFICENT MURACO (with Mr. Fuji) vs. LEAPING LANNY POFFO
-Lock-up and Muraco snapmares Poffo down right away. Poffo fights out and hammerlocks Muraco, but Muraco backs him into the corner to break the hold. Lock-up and Muraco takes Poffo down with a Russian legsweep. Another snapmare and an elbow. Chops to the throat and referee Danny Davis doesn’t see any reason to reprimand him. Muraco sends Poffo to the floor and Fuji gives him a cane across the back. Poffo goes back into the ring and fights back with punches, and of course Davis is right there to give him a stern warning about it. Dropkick by Poffo gets two. Bodyslam and a moonsault get two and Muraco kicks out so hard that Poffo clotheslines himself on the ropes. Powerslam by Muraco followed by a kneelift. Piledriver dedicated to Jesse Ventura gives Muraco the win.

-Ken Resnick is backstage for an interview and it’s a miracle that it’s not Hulk Hogan. It’s Cowboy Bob Orton, cutting a shockingly decent promo.

Next week, it’s the Pit vs. The Flower Shop, plus Slick has a surprise for us all!

Here’s a plug for Game Show Utopia. No surprises there. And here once again is the archive I’m visiting for these Superstars reviews.

The 411: Hey, it's "Superstars."
Final Score:  5.3   [ Not So Good ]