The RAWtopsy 3.05.07

WWE Raw
by J.D. Dunn

March 5, 2007

Live from Phoenix, Az.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton (w/Edge).
Before the match, Shawn and John Cena made nice, but Shawn doesn’t want Cena’s help, so he goes it alone. Randy storms the ring but takes a swinging neckbreaker. Shawn clotheslines him over the top, and Orton staggers around the ring like JR on a pint of Skittlebrau. Orton gets his foot up to block a charge and takes over. This time, it’s Shawn getting send to the floor via a backdrop. We come back from commercial to Orton holding a Boston Crab. Shawn crawls to the ropes. Hey, someone has a “Jimmy Rave” sign in the audience. JIMMY RAVE! THE CROWN JEW-ELL! Michaels counters a backdrop suplex to a crossbody and goes after Edge for poops and giggles. That allows Orton to hit the rope-assisted DDT. Orton boots Shawn and hits a knee to the back of the head. The Ortonlock kills some time before Shawn counters to a backdrop suplex. Shawn comes back with the usual, but Orton blocks Sweet Chin Music and goes for the RKO. Shawn shoves him into the ref, so Randy calls for the tag title belt. The ref isn’t that groggy, though, and intercepts the belt. The confusion allows Shawn to schoolboy Randy for the win at 11:28. Randy gives Shawn an RKO on the chair, but Cena makes the save, despite Shawn’s early admonitions that he doesn’t need Cena’s help. You know, Shawn, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world. **3/4

Recap of Lashley squashing Umaga like a bug, thus becoming the most heated match at WrestleMania.

Armando Alejandro Estrada promises Vince McMahon he has nothing to worry about. Vince reminds Jonathon Coachman that he is the head of the Board of Directors, so he still wears the big boy pants in the WWE. In fact, he made a suggestion for the Special Guest Referee at WrestleMania — Shane McMahon.

Intercontinental Title: Umaga (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. Jeff Hardy.
Umaga is pissed, so he tears back the protective mat outside the ring. Jeff avoids a charge and dropkicks Umaga to the floor. A rolling plancha takes Umaga down, and Jeff avoids another charge, sending Umaga into the post. Back in, Jeff hits a low dropkick, but Umaga levels him with a clothesline. Things grind to a halt as Umaga systematically squashes Jeff. Jeff fights back and hits a jawbreaker, but Umaga ends a comeback with a clothesline. The tree-of-woe headbutt knocks Jeff silly (sillier), and Umaga hits the running buttalanche. The Samoan Spike finishes at 4:06. *1/2

Celebrities let us know who they think will have their heads shaved. John Travolta thinks Donald would look better bald. Great, now Vince legally belongs to the Church of Scientology.

Todd Grisham stirs up trouble by reminding Ric Flair and Carlito that they had problems in the past. Flair says he’ll win tonight because he has more passion. Carlito says he is fired up.

Apparently, Shane is very optimistic about his chances of being the special guest referee.

Masterlock Challenge:
Jim Duggan answers the call. The power of Amrrrricanism allows Duggan to hang tough, but he finally succumbs. Masters is finally back on the winning track.

In the back, Shawn is apparently upset with Cena, but he’ll still have his back.

Vince McMahon is out to announce the special guest referee at WrestleMania. He also announces a contract signing for the hair match next week. Eric Bischoff, of all people, interrupts Vince. I specifically did not expect him. You know, I kinda missed him. How is the search for his replacement going, anyway? Bisch isn’t the special referee. He’s just here to voice his hope that Vince gets shaved. Turns out the real referee is Mick Foley! Vince tries to suck up to Mick, hiring him back and giving him access to plug his book, “The Hardcore Diaries”, available at bookstores everywhere. Mick asks Vince to pay his porn bill at the hotel too. Oh wait. Turns out that Mick isn’t really the guest referee for that match, he’s the referee for a rib-eating contest at a local restaurant. Now Shane McMahon comes out, but it’s not him either. THE GLASS SHATTERS and, yep, it’s “Stone Cold” Steve Austin! I think we all called that one. As happy as I am to see the Rattlesnake, the last match he refereed sucked something fierce. Well, at least he set low expectations.

In the back, Ron Simmons sees Mick Foley hanging out with the Phoenix Sun’s Gorilla. You can guess his reaction.

WWE Women’s Title, Falls Count Anywhere: Melina vs. Mickie James.
Ashley is your special ring announcer, hyping her “Playboy” spread. Melina stops to pose for the paparazzi and gets dropkicked. Melina tosses Mickie into the barrier and runs to the back. Mickie catches up with her in the women’s locker room where Torrie and Maria get involved. Victoria jumps Mickie from behind but gets sprayed in the eyes with hairspray. Candice comes out of the shower in a towel, which immediately gets ripped off. We head to commercial before we see her jubblies. Not that anyone with Cinemax hasn’t already seen them. We come back to Mickie fighting Melina all the way back to the ring. A Fisherwoman’s Suplex gets two for Mickie. Melina blocks a rana, and Mickie nearly Litas her own neck. Melina stacks her up for the win at 7:24. Melina objects to Ashley holding her title, so she gets in her face. Ashley shoves her down and helps Mickie up. Having the match over black increased their workrate exponentially. *1/2

Money in the Bank Qualifier: Ric Flair vs. Carlito (w/Torrie Wilson).
Carlito backs Flair to the corner but takes a series of chops. WOOOO! Carlito comes back with a backdrop and a dropkick. Carlito climbs for the mounted punches, but Flair counters to an atomic drop. More chops, but Carlito comes back with the springboard elbow. He goes for a quebrada but hurts his knee when Flair moves. Flair clips the knee as the Great Khali walks down and destroys both guys. He gets on the mic and explains he wants a can. I say give it to him. Oh! Kaaaane! Only about four minutes long and about average for the two. *1/2

The newest inductee will be Nick Bockwinkel, who probably would have been what Flair is today if he were about ten years younger and the AWA hadn’t gone south when it did.

In the back, Orton says he won’t have Edge’s back tonight because he doesn’t really care about him. Edge sits there pondering what he could have possibly done to his friends in the past to deserve this.

Okay, first of all, weightlifters don’t listen to Fall Out Boy. Second, get your sweaty earphones out of my ears, you sick fuck.

John Cena vs. Johnny Nitro (w/Mercury, Melina & Edge).
Turns out Johnny Nitro’s great, great grandma was black, so he wants to run Arizonians good fun because they were the last to recognize Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. Mercury and Nitro swarm Cena. Nitro dominates for a bit before Cena makes the comeback with the Five-Knuckle Shuffle. He goes for the FU, but Mercury clips his knee for the DQ at 3:20. MNM hits the Snapshot, and the heels beat Cena down. Shawn Michaels runs down and…lets them. He turns and walks away before his conscience kicks in, and he finally makes the save. Cena is confused. *

The 411: Par for the last few weeks. Nobody trusts nobody, which is pretty fun. I was hoping for a full turn by Shawn, but I guess we still have three weeks left. The WWE is firing on all cylinders at this point.