The Shimmy 10.18.06: The Big Show Report Card (Part Four)

Welcome once again boys and girls, to the grandest stage of all, The Shimmy! We have a special Wednesday Shimmy Wednesday this week, so enjoy new time change, here on the Sci-Fi Network. Next week I’ll be back on my regularly scheduled Monday spot. This week we take our final look at Big Show’s WWE PPV matches. For all of you that were looking for some bad grades, keep reading, because some will no doubt follow. Or will they? You’ll have to keep reading to find out. And for all of you that won’t stick around to the end of the column, please remember to send me your questions for the Great Positivity Debate III. It’ll be Team Hidden Highlights of JP Prag and James Tomlinson vs. Stephen Randle. Give me some hard questions, I wanna make these guys work! Now, on to El Report Cardo!

WWE Title, Triple Threat Match: JBL© vs. Kurt Angle vs. Big Show (Royal Rumble 2005)

From the Kurt Angle Report Card: Now we’re talking. Some may not like this match due to the massive amounts of interference, but that was part of the story of the match. JBL had his Cabinet, Angle had his lackeys and Big Show just one big mutha. I actually liked the warring factions of Angle and JBL, it was even sort of West Side Storyish (There’s gonna be some trouble tonight, a very Royal Rumble, that’s right!) Angle again delivers in the Triple Threat environment despite being the man to take the pinfall.

My Grade: A-

WWE Title, Barbed Wire Steel Cage Match: JBL© vs. Big Show (No Way Out 2005)

You know I really wasn’t expecting much, and yet this still managed to blow. Without a doubt one of the most boring main events in recent memory, even the relatively cool finish (even if we had seen something similar before) couldn’t salvage it. I wouldn’t have been quite as disappointed if they had just billed it as a regular cage match, but the Barbed Wire ended up meaning absolutely nothing. Not a good outing for either man, the first in a two game stinker-streak for both.

My Grade: D

Sumo Match: Big Show vs. Akebono (WrestleMania 21)

I’m not going to be nearly as hard on this match as some would be. Perhaps because it wasn’t even much of a match to begin with. To me, the worst part of this whole thing wasn’t that it featured someone that wasn’t a wrestler while there were plenty of people that weren’t on the card, or the fact that the actual affair wasn’t that interesting. I hated the vast amount of stalling they did at the beginning, ultimately teaming with Angle-Michaels to screw over JBL and Cena’s SmackDown main event. Akebono would go on to have classic matches with the likes of Brock Lesnar in Japan.

My Grade: D-

Big Show vs. Carlito (Judgment Day 2005)

Considering that this was just a match to set up a future Big Show-Matt Morgan match that never materialized, and that the two men just didn’t gel, this gets a low grade from me. As big of a Carlito fan as I am, there was no way this feud was going to do any good for his career, and fortunately it was dropped when Big Show went to Raw. This was the worst match on an otherwise stellar card.

My Grade: C-

Big Show vs. Snitsky (Unforgiven 2005)

This is going to be a very unpopular decision, but I really, really dug this feud and the match was pretty darn good too. I’m a Snitsky mark so I’m probably a bit biased, but who cares? They worked a good big man match and it wasn’t nearly as abysmal as most probably expected. They also had a really good Street Fight on Raw a week later.

My Grade: B-

World Tag Team Title Match: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch© vs. Big Show & Kane (Taboo Tuesday 2005)

The epitome of both boring and predictable. At least we got a decent Tag Title run out of Show and Kane.

My Grade: D+

Interpromotional, Ten Man Tag Team Elimination Match: Shawn Michaels, Big Show, Kane, Carlito, & Chris Masters vs. Batista, Randy Orton, JBL, Rey Mysterio, & Bobby Lashley (Survivor Series 2005)

From the Rey Myserio Report Card: Some people weren’t impressed with this match, but this match really summed up the whole “gang warfare” mentality of the invasion. Imagine if there had been clear sides like this during the WCW invasion, and heels and faces could team together without having to turn. This was a unique match up, and it delivered with other unique mini-match ups throughout. Some may dislike the brand fraternization, as I have my own criticisms of it, but it brought back some of the tradition of the Survivor Series while adding a new spin to it.

My Grade: A-

Interpromotional Match: Batista & Rey Mysterio vs. Big Show & Kane (Armageddon 2005)

I did not see the match or the show so I cannot comment.

My Grade: N/A

Big Show vs. Triple H (New Year’s Revolution)

Raise your hand if you dug this feud, too? Big Show standing up to Triple H after all he had done to the Raw roster was great, and having Triple H break Show’s hand only to have Show come back with the huge cast was awesome. Big Show’s uncanny healing power was a bit questionable, but hey, maybe he’s a mutant. The match itself was quite good, and I’m disappointed we never really saw a finish to this feud.

My Grade: B+

2006 Royal Rumble Match (Royal Rumble 2006)

You know, this wasn’t a classic Royal Rumble Match, and its placement on the card left a bad taste in many people’s mouths (mine included), but the emotional nature of the match can’t be denied. Big Show was either wasted or used properly depending on your point of view, as he did a few big man spots and then stood toe-to-toe with his tag team partner. I still hate the idea that someone like Show would pick up somebody and NOT throw them over the top at the first chance.

My Grade: B-

World Tag Team Title Match: Big Show & Kane© vs. Carlito & Chris Masters (WrestleMania 22)

A short, effective opener, I was there live to cheer on my favorite team of Carlito and Chris Masters. Alas it would not be their night, but I was able to see the Masterlock applied and dance to Carlito’s music, so all was well. I guess I have to give it an objective grade, so here goes.

My Grade: B-

Big Show vs. Kane (Backlash 2006)

And now we have made it to the worst match of Big Show’s WWE career. A match we paid to see. A match that is still my number one worst televised match of 2006. The match blew, the story blew, the “finish” blew, and the post-match “acting” blew. That was a agonizing eternity of my life wasted. Thanks a lot guys.

My Grade: F

ECW World Title, Extreme Rules Match: Big Show© vs. Sabu (SummerSlam 2006)

I didn’t really dig this match too much except for the car crash entertainment value. As far as car wrecks go I found this one to be more entertaining then the RVD-Sabu Ladder Match. I love how Sabu’s entire offense consisted of 1) set up weapon, 2) jump off of something and do the same move, 3) no sell whatever happens. Nice. In any event this was a decent enough feud that dragged on for a bit too long, but that happens when you don’t have too much PPV capability.

My Grade: C-

Interpromotional, Handicap, Hell in a Cell Match: Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, & Big Show vs. DX (Unforgiven 2006)

And now for our most recent entry. I’m still not entirely sure why Big Show was even involved in this feud, other than to have Vince have his bloody face shoved in Show’s ass. This was an odd combination of brutality and comedy, something I’m still not sure how I feel about. The match was your typical McMahon fun, so that’s always good.

My Grade: A-

So how did you like the grades? Fair? Unfair? Hate them all? Drop me a line and let me know. Or find your favorite message board and complain. Makes no difference to me.

A Reason For Bullet Points

I’m sure all of you read the 3 R’s so you all know my feelings on the WWE Family Reunion, but I still must give the Andy Enjoyment Index for the show.

Andy Enjoyment Index: Raw Family Reunion

1) Big Show-Jeff Hardy
2) SmackDown Six Man Tag
3) Street Fight
4) Shelton-Benoit
5) Cena-Taker
6) Kane-Umaga
7) Booker-RVD
8) Flair-Mitch
9) Lumberjill Match
————————————–

So WWE wants to start treating ECW like a third brand instead of a separate company, huh? Wait, when were they a separate company again? A lot of people are pissed about this news, but personally I couldn’t be happier. It seriously annoyed me that they had the ECW logo in the corner of the screen and not the WWE logo. Plus, the name ECW Vixens just sounded dumb. I’m glad to see the ECW is fully becoming what it should have been all along.

I’m very much looking forward to Bound For Glory on Sunday. Within the next two weeks there will be a special Bound For Glory column, so stay tuned!

Last Friday was a lot of fun as I checked out John Cena’s new movie “The Marine.” You may have heard of it. Anyhow, the movie itself was actually rather entertaining. In possible case of art imitating life, I think the bad guys were actually more likeable with Cena. Cena no doubt did well, but his character didn’t really allow him to show much personality. Robert Patrick as the lead villain Rome was pretty funny, and Patrick is great as far as Michael Madsen knock offs go. The large black enforcer type villain, Morgan, was also particularly humorous, and probably my favorite part of the movie. The humor was pretty cheesy, but still had to make you laugh, and it was at least better than your typical DX skit. Was this the greatest movie ever made? Of course not. But is it worth a look? Probably.

So we learned this past Monday (or Sunday if you were being naughty) that the Champion of Champions Match at Cyber Sunday will now have one of the titles defended. Now, I thought I was a toss up as to who would win before, but now I think it’s even more confusing. You could have Cena win since he’s the face, you could have Booker win as the sneaky heel, or you could have Big Show win because he’s just a huge man. Everyone will say that the champion that will defend their title will be the one to win, but I’m not so sure. If they really want to give the fans some bang for their buck I think they need to do a title change at the show. Hopefully WWE will have either Batista beat Booker on Friday or RVD beat Show next week to make the actual match a bit more appealing.

So the ROHbots have waged jihad against 411, because of two of the three people on this site that actually give a damn about them. That’s pretty sad. I’m pretty sure that not one of those elitist monkeys are going to read my column, as I’m sure I fit into the “guy that shits on a keyboard a calls it a column” category, so it really doesn’t matter what I say here. Reading their amusing little ramblings on their message board made me contemplate responding over there, but I’ve long decided that since I’m not a hardcore ROH-er, then I wouldn’t waste their space. Plus, with our very own ROH guys not responding over there, I figured I’d let it slide. But now we’re on my space and I’ll say what I like about those little hypocritical assholes. It’s amazing how they write “I love how they think I actually care what they say…” as they have an entire topic devoted to it. Nice work, fellas, how about a nice fish biscuit? I’m sure you’re smarter than the average bear. Well, at least the mildly retarded ones. Part of me actually feels bad for attacking them, because some of the guys over there like gregh actually seem to be good, rational thinking people, so for those of you that don’t suck, I offer my aplogies. The rest of you can just fuck off a die, you miserable slags (Name the horrible movie that line came from and win a prize!). Oh knows, I said “die.” Shame, shame Andy.

Andy! Andy! At Last You Have Some Feedback!

Angelo Velotta adds to last weeks WWE-TNA joint card:

The Monday Night Raw after Wrestlemania 0: Bound For Glory is an explosive one. The show starts out with Jarrett coming out and saying he got screwed out of his title. This prompts Cena to come out and call Jarrett “washed up” etc etc. This brings out The Big Show who says Cena got lucky, but could never go toe to toe with the Big Show, which brings out Booker T who claims none of them are even on the same level as him. A tag match is set up as the main event: Cena and Booker T vs Big Show and Jeff Jarrett.

Next we have the 8man tag match between DX (HHH, Bentley and the James Gang) vs LAX (Konnan, Hernandez, Homicide and new member.) LAX introduces the newest member…….REY MISTERIO! Misterio’s gone heel. The match ensue with Bentley accidently superkicking HHH leading to a 619 from Rey to give LAX the win. After the match Bentley apologizes to HHH as DX dissapointedly walks back from the ring.

The next match is an athletic contest between Shelton Benjamin and Chris Sabin. Sabin wins the match with the Cradle Shock.

The next match is Mr. Money in the Bank Randy Orton versus Petey Williams. Williams goes for the Canadian Destroyer but Orton slips out and hits the RKO for the win.

After commercial break the lights go off and the Taker comes out and brags bout his undefeated WM streak continuing. He says out of all the records in wrestling he has the greatest. This brings out the undefeated Samoa Joe who gets in Taker’s face. Joe slaps him but Taker gets Joe in a chokehold. Joe hits an enziguri knocking Taker down but he sits right back up. Joe hits a running knee to keep the Taker down. Security comes and breaks the two apart.

The next match has Abyss defeat Tatanka after a Black Hole Slam.

The next match is for the X-Division Title. Helms defending the strap against Senshi. Senshi goes for the Warrior’s Way but Helms moves out of the way causing Senshi to jam up his legs and allow Helms to hit an easy Shining Wizard for the win to keep his title. Helms gets on the mic and says he is the longest reigning Cruiserweight into X-Division champion and demands real competition. This brings out Kurt Angle. Angle says the X-Division is about no limits and that’s Angle’s mentality. He challenges Helms next week on Raw for the title. Helms says he’ll only put the title on the line if Angle’s puts his gold medal up for grabs too. The two agree.

The main event is World Champ Cena and Booker T vs Big Show and Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett leaves the Big Show stranded and heads back to the locker room leading to Cena and Booker manhandling Show. Booker hits the axe kick and Cena then hits the FU on Show and goes for the pin but Booker axe kicks Cena down too. Booker goes up top to hit a missile dropkick on Show but Show has recovered and catches him in midair for the chokeslam victory!

Quick Results:
LAX def. DX
Chris Sabin def. Shelton Benjamin
Randy Orton def. Petey Williams
Abyss def. Tatanka
Big Show and Jeff Jarrett def. Booker T and John Cena

Next week:
Angle vs. Helms (X-Division Title/Gold Medal)
Big Show vs Jeff Jarrett
Booker T vs John Cena (non-title)
Finlay vs Samoa Joe
DX vs. The Paparazzi (Shelley, Devine, Nash and A1)
LAX vs. The Highlanders

I can’t say that I know what Angelo’s motivation for such a project is, but he seems to be putting a lot of work in it and it shows. As long as you send them Angelo I’ll print them, and I enjoy to see how far you can take this!

David Irving doesn’t like Mr. Velotta’s ideas so much:

Your correspondent had a not bad idea for a combined PPV (except I agree, let’s get a new name for it instead of Wrestlemania/Bound for Glory), but his booking was, unfortunately, pure WWE mark, so his results sucked. Match by match, let’s look at it:

the X division unification match — look, I’ve liked Helms since he was Shane Helms in WCW, but Senshi is so much more of a legitimate bad ass than anyone else in this match, you’ve gotta book him to win

Tag Team Gauntlet — where the hell is AMW? and only a WWE mark who never watches TNA could have the over the hill (and they were never that good in the first place) James Gang running through everyone — either AMW or LAX would clean house here — and either of those teams would also destroy the middle aged DX — please, is there anyone who hasn’t seen by now how lame it is to resurrect that gimmick with two guys as old as Michaels and Helmsley? (And I’m older than either of them, so don’t hit me with the agist thing, I’m just tired of this silliness.)

Samoa Joe/Umaga — one genuinely great in ring performer (and he’s been doing really good promos lately too) and the talentless bum who was brought into WWE to attempt to capitalize on Joe’s heat — this is pure squash, with Joe kicking the crap out of Umaga, hitting the muscle buster, then choking that bitch out

Monster’s ball — when are the WWE marks going to realize that Mark Calloway is so far over the hill it’s pathetic to have him win anything anymore? And Kane never was much but overdone booking. Raven, of course, is so injured and fat that he can hardly move these days. So let’s have the new monster, Abyss, go over here — he’s what those other guys used to be: scary

Tag Team Unification — get real. Neither of the WWE teams even belong in the same ring as Daniels and Styles. Did you see that dive Daniels did in the tag X match to grab the belt? The most holy shit moment in rasslin’ since Big Show collapsed the ring — Styles and Daniels are the only way to go here

Money in the Bank Match — I’d like to see Rhino in this one too, but Edge or Angle should get the contract — they’re just on a different level from the other guys here — and forget Orton, he’s even weaker on the mic than he is in the ring

Retirement Match — well, since Sting is the only guy under 50 in this one, I’d say go with him — I can’t help but feel that Flair damages his legacy with every match he appears in these days, and Hogan should’ve left years ago

World Title Unification — since it’s being done in elimination fashion, isn’t it obvious that the first thing that happens is the three heels join together to get rid of Cena? Then the two remaining WWE guys get rid of Jarrett? That leaves Booker’s experience, smarts, and athleticism against Big Show’s strength and power, and since they’re both guys who had their best days in WCW, I’m happy with either of them winning here LOL

Anyway, there’s some improved booking to make a pretty good idea actually work out.

I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m not so sure you have quite the tact required to handle this task. A few of Angelo’s choices I wouldn’t have made myself, but to come on here and attack him as a “WWE mark” isn’t fair, particularly when you come off as a “TNA mark” or an “IWC smark” on your own. Let’s examine your points, though.

1) I think the X-Division Unification is a toss up. I’d tend to agree with you to put Senshi over, but I can’t say I’d be displeased with Helms winning either.

2) Again you have a good point here, but you present it in such a way that it makes it difficult to agree with you. I would have AMW win the match, but I think LAX match up better with DX (although I don’t know which would be worse, watching DX make Hispanic jokes at LAX or watch them make gay jokes about AMW).

3) Making Joe-Umaga a squash would be completely counterproductive. The draw here would be to see two ass kickers go toe-to-toe. Sure, Joe should win, but not even having Umaga in the match is purely a smarky overreaction. I’m actually surprised you didn’t inaccurately call him a Samoa Joe ripoff.

4) First of all, Undertaker can still go. Secondly, if this is WrestleMania then Undertaker needs to win at all costs. Nobody deserves to beat Taker at WrestleMania and I will maintain that until the day Taker retires.

5) Daniels & Styles are my favorite tag team in wrestling right now, but I don’t think it’s fair to say that neither of the WWE teams belong in the ring with them. Hell, I think this match would actually rule nobody who won, so who cares?

6) Ah yes, the ever popular “Randy Orton sucks” POV. Very nice. At least you give credit to one WWE performer in Edge, something I’m quite shocked about.

7) Wow, you have the TNA guy winning, shocking. Flair damages his legacy every match he’s in? Have you not been watching Ric Flair for the past three years? He has had some great matches with Triple H, Big Show, Edge, Kurt Angle, and more. Despite what it may be doing to his body Flair can still go, and nobody is going to force him out.

8) Yeah, having the match come down to three heels is just BRILLIANT booking. I’ve got to say that I’m not keen on Angelo’s idea to make it an elimination match, because elimination matches don’t work to well on television, given time constraints and all. I think Cena and Booker are the only two logical choices here, with it probably coming down to Cena and Jarrett, representing the true WWE-TNA nature of the event.

So there you have it. Feel free to respond to this or Angelo’s newest bookings.

500 Good Words w/ Andy Critchell

Confessions of a Hater

Through my first few editions of “500 Good Words” I have written about my mostly positive views on wresting. In general, I am a pretty positive guy. I have a great family, a nice place to live, a new car, a wonderful job, and fantastic friends. I am pretty positive when it comes to wrestling as well, I don’t take it too seriously and I am happy to be entertained. Once in a while though, I do get negative about certain wrestlers or stories or events in the world of pro wrestling. Last year a young IWC darling named Samoa Joe burst on to the scene in TNA. I had heard a lot about him from regular ROH viewers so I was looking forward to seeing what this guy was all about. Needless to say, I was less than impressed. In fact, I am still waiting to be impressed. This led to a few choice comments on the illustrious 411 message board and some debates that ended up being pretty funny. Stalwart poster Marquis made mention of these debates and upon looking them up, I thought a trip down memory lane was due. Keep in mind that these comments are now more for their comedic value than anything else. On with the show…

Here is my first post about Joe on 09/19/05:

“After hearing all the hype, I was really looking forward to seeing this guy wrestle. The first match I saw of him was against Alex Shelley on Impact. It wasn’t a bad match per se but definitely nothing special. I thought maybe I had just seen an off match for him or maybe it was because of Alex Shelley. Anyway, after watching the Unbreakable replay I still don’t see what the hype is all about. In my opinion, AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels had to work their asses off to carry that fat load around the ring. I thought that the Styles/Daniels Ironman match was the best match of the year but throwing in that tub of goo completely ruined what could have been an awesome match, bringing it down to average. I will admit that for a guy his size he moves well but he’s still nothing to write home about. He knows a bunch of submissions and works stiff. Big deal.”
(Needless to say, this garnered quite a few responses.)

Here are two excerpts from one I wrote on 10/24/05:

“You are giving this guy way to much credit. His look sucks. He is agile…for a fat piece of no-selling crap.”

“Anyone who can see him wrestle on the same card as AJ and Daniels and still think Joe is not a hack obviously needs to have their head examined.”

And from 10/25/06:

“You can talk about ROH all you want but I don’t care. All I have seen of him is from TNA and what I have seen is boring, repetitive, and awful and it makes him look like a fat, over-rated, no selling bitch. Why in the world would I want to waste my time looking to prove that he’s more than the hunk of crap I think he is?”

From 12/12/05, talking about Joe’s “disrespect” of the X Title belt:

“Why stop there? He should be shown melting it down into some kind of necklace or collar for his dog since it’s basically worthless now. When is he going to wrestle Akebono for the X-Division title?? That will be an instant MOTY candidate!”

From 12/29/05, talking about Joe in the WWE:

“Joe would look like a fat bitch in the WWE and you know it. If he went to the WWE he would be Rosey 2, bank on it. At least he would make a nicer living, can’t fault him for that. I just would hate to read him crying on his livejournal about how he’s “not being used right, boo hoo hoo.”

From 01/03/06, regarding Joe’s first TNA promo:

“Well, this is it. I’ll finally get to see if the big lug can string together more than five words in a coherent sentence. My guess is that it will be as weak as water (I hear that Joe sounds like on the guys from “Men on Film”) but all the Joe apologists will line up and say “OMGZ! Promo of the year! I can’t believe how hard it got me!” Yikes.”

Two excerpts from 01/11/06:

“I think you are completely on the ball here but you are as likely to get through to Joe marks as Joe is likely to run a mile without having a heart attack.”

And before a TNA fan spouts off with “well would you rather have that or no crowd reaction at all?” let me say that like any fan I would rather there be some crowd interaction but the Impact Zone is too far to the extreme. I mean they pop for just about anything. I bet Samoa Joe could come down to the ring, crap in a box, write “workrate” on it and the Impact Zone would go freaking crazy. Then some guy would talk about how Joe’s crap looked realistic and how the WWE would never be able to use Joe’s crap properly. I love it. (This one is my favorite)

From 01/29/06, excerpts regarding the Joe’s undefeated streak and the upcoming Styles/Daniels/Joe match for the X Title:

“When are they going to feed Sting to this guy? He’s obviously hungry!”

“What I don’t get is why it is only Joe against two guys. They should make it Joe vs. the entire X division and go ahead and get it over with, just bury everyone at the feet of Captain Doughnut. But then again, if Joe doesn’t have smaller guys to “beat up” then there is no way to make him look like a bad ass so that probably won’t happen.

“As much as it saddens me to say it, Fallen Angel = Stuck Pig Bitch. I bet those DVDs are flying off the shelves, nice work TNA.”

From 02/14/06 regarding the upcoming Ultimate X match with Joe, Styles, and Daniels and how Joe will get the belt:

“Maybe he’ll just no-sell gravity.”

Eventually, I got off my Joe hate bandwagon because it was getting annoying and it made it hard for people to respect my opinion about other topics. The lesson here kids is that if you hate something, whether it’s too much Vince, DX’s toilet humor, or seeing Regal’s butt just mention it once or twice and move on. It’s hard to respect negativity. Anyhoo, I hope you enjoyed these old Joe musings and appreciated them for their humorous spirit. Feel free to drop me a line at [email protected] and let me know what you think.

Until next time…

Andy The Real Andy is Back!

So I’m posting on a day that doesn’t have wrestling to preview. How weird is that? Anyhow, that finishes off his week’s column, I’ll be back on Monday. Until then, don’t die. Clark…out.